Season 9 Game 06 (17-20 September)

THE ‘Common People in the Madagascar Jungle’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Birthdays on this skivey week were for Jarvis Cocker (58), Jada Pinkett Smith (50) and Goldie (56).


So named due to the weekend birthdays of………

Howard Usually this will have a punishment in a hastily-written zinger, but even I can’t be bothered this week as we’re so far behind and travel wi-fi is still poor.

Barney – called Accrington Stanley v Wigan Athletic at 0-2 on 22 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

No others were recorded (a likely story).



This should’ve been a full edition, but anything to do with it has vanished from the Barney Archive. This is what we know of:

The title was almost “Cocker, David Seaman and Joanne Catherall – Common People ‘shed’ One Man…”.

Categories were to be: Make Ya Ma Proud, It Don’t Mean Nuthin’, Unpleasant Local Derby, Darwinism Incarnate and Category Without A Name.

Arbroath’s Michael McKenna, Morecambe’s Cole Stockton and Ben Brereton-Diaz at Blackburn Rovers may become fresh meat for the Eternal One.

No candidates for the Dread Hand of Barney were identified – obviously they were given a temporary reprieve from eternal damnation.


Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Lee Nicholls (Huddersfield Town) o.g.
Stevie May (St Johnstone)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Adam King (Alloa Athletic)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jack Payne (Crawley Town)
Josh McQuoid (Weymouth)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Michael Bostwick (Burton Albion) o.g.
Saido Berahino (Sheffield Wednesday)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Andrew Shinnie (Livingston)
Josh Umerah (Wealdstone)
Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers)

Arsenal
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)

Ben Whiteman (Preston North End)
James Wilson (Port Vale)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)


A CLEAR POSH WIN. SO THERE.

Season 9 Game 05 (10-13 September)

THE ‘Stay with Der Kaiser in Benidorm’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Siobhan Fahey (63!) Frans Beckenbauer (76) and Johnny Vegas (50) are this weeks birthdays. So there.

Barney: ‘Bowler scores against the run of play and Fulham are stumped’ [Josh Bowler of Blackpool]
Chris:  [ABSENT]
Howard: ‘Matt Jay scores for Exeter City and Scunny’s defence are Busted’

Didn’t note any talks from Mr Mojo but did enjoy the annual Sean Dyche lecture where the Burnley manager made his way down to the third circle to speak on ‘Keeping your real identity secret’. Dyche proudly noted he’d yet to be rumbled by those ‘above ground’ and put this down to his performances and post-match interviews.

Having seen said interviews, our colleague begged to differ but had other things to do, namely concentrating on denying goals to Cheltenham Town’s Callum Wright, Hamilton Academical’s Andy Ryan and Swansea City’s Joel Piroe. Another blank, which was embellished further by all three scoring midweek.

A fairly easy starter category and three very good choices here spring to mind. Witness goalscoring centre-backs Ash Taylor (Northampton Town-Aberdeen-Walsall), Dominic Ball (Peterborough United-Aberdeen-Queens Park Rangers) or Matty Pearson (Barnsley-Luton Town-Huddersfield Town).

Tony Mowbray’s installation as Blackburn boss a few years back was regarded as the first reasonable piece of business from the rather naive Venky’s ownership. That was four years ago and the Rovers fanbase is becoming rather disaffected with the club now firmly ensconced as a middling Championship club. Watching the away team, Luton Town, score twice in the second half after the Bedfordshire outfit went in 2-0 down at halftime won’t help matters.

A regular visitor to this particular shore again makes the grade in Dunfermline’s Bulgarian Nikolai Todorov. Joining him was the Tanzanian-born Yeovil winger Adi Yussuf. St Kitts and Nevis international Lois Maynard, who scored for the equally exotic Solihull Moors, might have counted but for the technicality of being born in Manchester.

Barney – called Peterhead v Clyde at 3-1 on 21 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Walsall v Mansfield Town at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cambridge United v Lincoln City at 0-3 on 23 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!

Swansea 0-0 Hull City. Swansea racked up the possession with 69% of the ball and 16 shots whilst Hull managed just 1 shot on target throughout. The fact that both teams ended with a point will have the BT Sport pundit sending the kebabs “oop north” [as no-one from the North has ever said]. Reports said kebabs arrived with a message stating ‘Plough Lane should be the new national stadium’ can’t be confirmed or denied.

BREAKING NEWS…Kelty Hearts 1-1 Elgin City. Elgin scored with their 1 shot on target? Their only shot full stop? And it was a penalty? Can you redirect those kebabs to the far north of Scotland? Ta.

Best seems to be St Mirren v Dundee United game, which combined for 4 shots on target. From a combined total of 24 shots. Were the players aware of what constituted a ‘goal’? Not even asking for a friend, more the 4894 spectators who watched the alleged ‘action’.


Torquay United’s Armani Little and Tyrhys Dolan of Blackburn Rovers would be definite nominees to be Born In Burberry. But behold, the prodigal son returns in the shape of the reason why the category came into being, Kallum Higginbottom, who scored very late on for the new and moneyed kids in town at Kelty Hearts.

Matty Blair of Cheltenham Town (32 years old), Matty Lund of Salford City (30) and Huddersfield Town’s Matty Pearson (28). All scored at the weekend but all should be hearing the admonishment of You’re Not A Kid Anymore, Sonny.

Double mentions for Glovers winger Adi Yussuf. Not only is he a Local Boy Makes Good (as mentioned above) but those 18 clubs at 29 years old will see another of those dwindling amount of Claridge Clock(s) handed out.

Finally Plymouth Argyle 3-0 Sheffield Wednesday will have seen some rather masochistic souls supporting the S3 outfit traipse 586 driving miles over 10 hours and 20 minutes of a thoroughly unrewarding away trip. Could be the longest Where’s Russell we’ve spotted so far this season. You wouldn’t get Posh thumped like that away, oh no, we lost 0-4 at home to the Pilgrims. Beat that, ya lightweights [Barney is not bitter, you know, and is just hoping for a new manager, chairman,…team? before it’s too late].

 


Giles Coke (Grimsby Town)
Jack Marriott (Peterborough United)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic) x2

 


Danny Andrew (Fleetwood Town)
Dominic Ball (Queens Park Rangers)
Harry Toffolo (Huddersfield Town)
Kieran Sadlier (Rotherham United)
Ricardo Santos (Bolton Wanderers) o.g.
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

 

charlton02
Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers)
Martyn Waghorn (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Myles Weston (Dagenham and Redbridge)

 

ArsenalJosh Rees (Boreham Wood)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Rhys Murphy (Southend United)

Cameron Carter-Vickers (Celtic on loan from Tottenham Hotspur)
Conor Sammon (Alloa Athletic)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Jordan Slew (Halifax Town)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Scott Boden (Boreham Wood)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)


A NARROW WIN FOR THE BLADES!

SPARE SOME CHANGE GUV!

Season 9 Game 04 (27-30 August)

THE Tribute to Red Noses and Lungs’

So named because of the weekend birthdays [a lack of ‘decent’ ones, Barney says] of Jack Black (52), Sir Lenny Henry (63) and Florence Welch (35).


Barney: ‘Gallagher’s scored twice for Palace – he’s smoking’
Chris: [deleted….] oh, sorry hang on, ahem: ‘A Red Card for Exeter’s Kite – he certainly made his ‘mark’ on the Harrogate player’ [I believe that’s Mr Smith’s first zinger in a month. Well worth the wait, I’m sure you’d all agree].
Howard: ‘Halifax winger Debrah wasn’t ‘Messing’ about’

Found itself at another Mr Mojo lecture, this one entitled ‘How to be less demanding’. The host was again compelling viewing for our undead companion and it barely noticed the lack of other attendees at the lecture. Indeed, it hardly noticed the oration had concluded until the chamber became rather more crowded.

Thoroughly intrigued by the lecturer, it vowed to find out more about this strangely unmagnetic individual. You’d have thought this distraction would’ve allowed one of Plymouth Argyle’s Luke Jephcott, Reading’s John Swift or Forest Green Rovers’ Mathew Stevens to score. You’d be absolutely wrong.

It seemed a tough old cookie to crumble as Barney could only find Blackburn Rovers’ target man Sam Gallagher as a unisexed-named player, but it turned out he/she also had fellow Sams Barratt (Maidenhead United), Nicholson (Bristol Rovers) and Cosgrove (Shrewsbury Town) for company. Maybe also Emi Buendia of Aston Villa? And Yoann Barbet (Queens Park Rangers) also sounds like Joanne.

It happened.

It finally happened.

We got a PAGGA!.

And it was a good one [Sorry Barney, I refuse to use the word ‘doozy’].

Shrewsbury Town v Gillingham. Gills midfielder Dan Phillips is red-carded for a second bookable on 88 minutes. This started a rumble which eventually saw Shrews midfielder David Davis and Gillingham’s assistant boss Paul Raynor both red-carded. Any PAGGA! involving non-playing staff is always one for the records but this is made even more special by the Shropshire outfit’s reserve goalie, Harry Burgoyne, also seeing red, allegedly for ‘pithy’ remarks made to and at Raynor.

The fun and games begin at around 1:30:

[LINK] – Warning: Contains handbags.

Remarkably, the ‘fractious’ Gills manager Steve Evans wasn’t involved in the melee. Was he there?

One of those categories that always somehow survives the cull, though it may actually be extended to cover the acting profession as well as musicians. Old favourite Michael Smith (Ah, you know him, the Rotherham United striker who also doubles as a soundtrack composer and a sideman in The Good, The Bad and The Queen) will just about be enough to pass muster, mister.

There’s a couple of winners. Man City (7th) 5-0 Arsenal (One position higher than 21st) can’t be ignored, Howard, but rather unexpectedly, Huddersfield Town (4th) 4-0 Reading (21st) in the Championship is technically a better selection.

oHuddersfield Town’s Sorba Thomas and West Ham United’s Michail “Not Good Enough For Wednesday” Antonio both netted and that’s plenty enough to get the job done. And maybe we could also throw in Byron Webster (Bromley) and Jesse Debrah (Halifax Town). BUT WAIT!!! step forward and take the spoils, the scorer of the only goal against Bolton Wanderers, Cambridge United’s Shilow Tracey.

Barney – called Salford City v Newport County at 3-0 at 45 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Sunderland v Wycombe Wanderers, called at 2-0 on 15 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Manchester City 5-0 Arsenal, called at 2-0 on 33 min – Finished – GUB (Technically)!


A great celebration at Spotland on the 27th August, where Rochdale FC celebrated their 100th birthday. Colchester United were the visitors and the game utterly failed to match the auspicious occasion as the teams played out a 1-1 draw where there were just 3 shots on target throughout the game. The home team’s right-back, Max Taylor, certainly made sure his name would be well-remembered by the Colchester faithful with this effort:

It gets awkward for Mr Taylor from 0:40

[LINK]

A Ricket like that? On your second appearance for the club? On their 100th birthday? Not so much a Make Ya Ma Proud, more a real knuckle-biting moment for the extended clan Taylor.

It’s not been a happy start for Sheffield United on their return to the Championship with the team not being able to play in the style the coaching staff prefer whilst Jokanovic makes increasingly showy comments about the lack of new players being bought in. A 0-0 draw at Kenilworth Road where the teams shared 2 shots on target would indicate those resilliant Blades fans would’ve been more enthused by An Evening With Paul Robinson!!!

542 miles and 9 hours and 42 minutes. That’s the distance there-and-back from Wycombe to Sunderland, where the away fans could be heard asking Where’s Russell? Perhaps.

Jordan Slew was strongly believed to be a future Premiership player after breaking into the Sheffield United team at 17 years old and scoring 3 goals in his first 8 games for the Blades. Whilst he did get to the Premier League with Blackburn after they paid an initial £1m for the then 18 year old, it didn’t really work out and he spent almost all of his contract out on loan to lower league teams.  This ‘Slew’ (!) of clubs – 16 at the age of 29 (on the 7th September) – means the now Halifax striker is transparently eligible for the Claridge Clock following his maiden goal for the Shaymen on Monday. Get the timepiece whilst it’s still around, as it might not be there for much longer…


Michail Antonio (West Ham United)

Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Josh McQuoid (Weymouth)
Mohamed Eisa (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02Conor Gallagher (Crystal Palace on loan from Chelsea) x2
Conor McAleny (Salford City)
Joe Pigott (Ipswich Town)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United) x2
Myles Weston (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Regan Charles-Cook (Ross County)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

ArsenalSemi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

[Ben Heneghan (AFC Wimbledon)
Ben Whiteman (Preston North End)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jordan Slew (Halifax Town)


FIRST POINT ON THE BOARD FOR CHARLTON.

Season 9 Game 03 (20-23 August)

THE ‘Little Earthquakes Break Things in 9.58 seconds’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named due to the weekend birthdays of Tori Amos (58) Fred Durst (51) and Usain Bolt (35).


Barney: ‘Only the Alloa player knows ‘Howie’ got two yellows within 34 minutes’
Chris: [a suspicious blank]
Howard: ‘Fulham make it 2-0 – Cue the Fresh ‘Hull’

Was indeed at the WI again, though quite perturbed at the sparse turnout for the guest speaker, a Mr Mojo, who waxed lyrical regarding the subject of ‘How To Attract Friends’. The decayed one couldn’t help but notice how crowded the room had been before he’d been introduced but they remained rapt throughout and would certainly be looking forward to the next month’s lecture.

With its attention elsewhere, it wasn’t wholly surprised by the news Bradford City’s Andy Cook scored, but still arranged for Brentford’s Ivan Toney and QPR’s Lyndon Dykes not to trouble the goalscoring column.

Always a long shot to come through and we didn’t note any rumbles which saw one off from either side. That’s because there weren’t any.

On the contrary, this category always comes through and there were so many players from overseas scoring for League 1 and below teams that Priti Patel (the offspring of Ugandan Asians herself) sent out the Immigration vans just in case. Zimbabwe-born Macauley Bonne was the first of many, but we also saw Congolese natives Offrande Zanzala (Barrow) and Kabongo Tshimanga (Chesterfield) netting.

In terms of unlikely settings Portuguese striker Ruben Soares-Junior scoring for Queen Of The South takes the rosette. Here’s the 21 year old in one of the most cliched signing pictures of all time: [LINK].

Burton Albion’s Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink does a fine job at the Pirelli Stadium but a 3-0 away loss to Cambridge United from 2 own goals and a deflection would’ve been ample reason for him to launch the cannons, but the former Leeds United man was gracious in defeat though not really vitriolic towards his own team’s performance. Regular viewers will be mightily unsurprised to read there’s more on this result in the Miscellaneous section.

Delighted to report that Luton Town 0-5 Birmingham City drew an unexpectedly brutal missive from Hatters’ boss Nathan Jones, who is almost as well known for his evangelical Christianity as he is for his managerial acumen:

“It’s not often we put in performances like that but today we’ve been a mile off in both boxes. The work-rate, the aggression wasn’t there today. We were lacking in the real important bits and I don’t know why.
We’ve put in as many good set-plays as them but they’ve got their head on theirs and scored. The third goal absolutely kills us – we give it away on the edge of their box and that’s just symptomatic of us today.
I’m a little bit embarrassed by the performance. If we put in too many like that we’re not going to be anywhere near where we want to be”

We had some worries about this as there wasn’t too many new boys scoring who could polish the shoes of established types such as Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Happily for some of the housemasters with ‘a reputation’ Queen Of the South’s Ruben Soares-Junior and Huddersfield’s Levi Samuels-Colwill scored late on and will be learning the house song as we type this.

As much as some of us would like to, the Rotherham United v Sheffield United game can’t be ignored. Even Radio Sheffield have given up trying to re-name the match the ‘X1 derby’. There’s really not all that much else to go with, maybe Crewe Alexandra v Accrington Stanley and Sheffield United v Huddersfield Town may just get in within the 35 mile boundary.

Barney – called Wealdstone v Woking, called at 0-2 on 28min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Exeter City v Bristol Rovers, called at 3-0 on 24 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Manchester City v Norwich City, impressively called at 1-0 on 7 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!

Cambridge United 3-0 Burton Albion. Cambridge’s goals came entirely from Burton players’ misfortune, their first arrived via a huge deflection and two Tom Hamer own goals saw the Brewers droop (that call from QUEST EFL can’t be too far away…) to the reverse.

As mentioned above, the Fresh Hell eluded us due to Hasselbaink’s honesty. It was 0-0 at half-time so that’s an unfortuate Reverse Churchill to Hasselbaink and that day for Hamer is an immaculate Make Ya Ma Proud.

Andy Cook’s quite the marksman in the lower divisions of the 92, but didn’t really shine in his Mansfield tenure accruing a modest 9 goals in 43 games. He’s now at Bradford and scored the late winner against his old team at Field Mill. But did he celebrate? You bet your beeswax he did: [LINK]  – It Dont Mean Nuthin’? We think not.

Dominic Solanke was briefly famous for being signed out of Chelsea’s reserves by Liverpool, who had offered an eight-figure sum to sign him from Stamford Bridge whilst he was under contract, then paid around £5m in compensation to secure his service when he was a free agent. It’s still hasn’t worked out for him to date but he did score at the weekend for Bournemouth. That would be Chelsea – Liverpool – Bournemouth and an unusual And Stay Out! involving three (then) Premiership clubs.

We were in discussions about kicking a few categories to the curb over the off-season but have kept faith with almost all of them. This is due to us not having the creativity to think up any replacements or forgetting how the new categories would’ve worked. Alcohol may have been involved.

Well, Greenock Morton’s Kyle Jacobs scored at both ends on Saturday and that’s now twice in the first three weeks A Day Trip To Brighton has been logged. Both occurances involved lower league Scottish teams, so there would’ve been many a mile racked up travelling to the South Coast.

Not bad for a category we were convinced was as rare as a PAGGA!

Finally, another section where we didn’t see much action in the previous season was the Category Without A Name, which sees a player score and get sent off in the same game. It blanked when it was a named category on the opening week but Bournemouth’s David Brooks got the dubious accolade last week and Dundee United’s Peter Pawlett matched this on Sunday.


Aden Flint (Cardiff City) x2
Benik Afobe (Millwall on loan from Stoke City)
Connor Kirby (Altrincham on loan from Harrogate Town)
David Jones (Wrexham)
Gary Gardner (Birmingham City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United) x2
Rhys McCabe (Airdrieonians) x2
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)


Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Kane Ferdinand (Maidenhead United)
Kwesi Appiah (Crawley Town)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)

charlton02Abraham Odoh (Rochdale)
Chuks Aneke (Birmingham City)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Josh Umerah (Wealdstone)
Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers) x2
Patrick Bauer (Preston North End)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

ArsenalBenik Afobe (Millwall on loan from Stoke City)
Chuks Aneke (Birmingham City)


Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Sam Vokes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City) x2


A WIN FOR THE WEDNESDAY!

Season 9 Game 02 (13-16 August)

THE ‘InBetween Katniss and Catwoman’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named for the birthdays of James Buckley (34), Jennifer Lawrence (31) and Halle Berry (55).


Barney: ‘Exeter’s veteran defender gets red card and he can have no ‘Grounds’ for complaint’ [Exeter went on to lose 3-0 to Leyton Orient]
Chris: {Nothing. Really?!]
Howard: ‘Fylde’s Tollett scored at his convenience’ [Ben Tollitt of AFC Fylde who beat Guiseley 4-2 away)

Our occasionally-sentinent being made good on last week’s pledge to get out and about around its dwelling and has become quite a regular at the Hades WI (of course there’s one down there, they’re everywhere). It has stated it will be taking notes at next week’s meeting where the guest speaker will be discussing ‘How To Attract Friends’ though the actual speaker’s name is a mystery to date.

Perhaps musing on this rather too much, the being failed to prevent Fulham’s Aleksandar Mitrovic scoring on Saturday, though Martin Boyle at Hibernian and Charlie Wyke at Wigan Athletic blanked.

Given the the category title, you have to give best to an Austrian’s half-time efforts resulting in a defeat after looking good for the win. So when Southampton’s Ralph Hasenhuttl’s interval talk sees the Saints descend to a 1-3 loss after being ahead after 45 minutes, well, it kind of writes itself.

On the subject of descent, Sean Dyche oversaw a 1-0 Burnley lead at the break develop into a 1-2 reverse to Brighton & Hove Albion in what BT sport couldn’t help themselves to call ‘an early relegation six-pointer’.

And we mustn’t mention Newcastle United in the concept of ‘relegation’ but Steve Bruce saw his charges 2-1 up at half-time and or the wrong end of a 2-4 result on the full-time whistle. Tough to take for someone who is currently the ‘4th best British manager’ (BT Sport). There’s a back-handed compliment.

Familiar name David Goodwillie is here as ever, but also we have the wee Scottish man who’s better than Zidane* (aka Barry Bannan) – [LINK] – multiple charges dating back to his Aston Villa days.

* fact-check: “No.”

It’s been quite a few months since Darren Moore catching the X78 to civilisation from Doncaster in joining the Owls from the Keepmoat Stadium outfit. Any reasonably sane individual would do the same but the timing was very strange because yon Owls were and are in a proper mess.

There’s still a good bit of enmity between the teams supporters regarding the move but Mr Moore would be enjoying the bragging rights after Wednesday beat Doncaster Rovers 2-0 at Hillsborough particularly after a Donny missed penalty/missed rebound 3 minutes from the end.

A manager who absolutely didn’t enjoy a game opposing a team where he was never accepted was Karl Robinson at Oxford United, who won’t have enjoyed winning 2-1 against Charlton Athletic. Not a bit.

A very poor selection of teams being whupped on their travels. So much so we’re having to go with just a 2-0 home win in the shape of Portsmouth 2-0 Crewe Alexandra. That would be a 416 miles, 7 hrs and 36 minutes round trip but I’m really not sure 2-0 is a big enough results.

Did I mention ‘2-0’ on enough occasions in the above paragraph?

Barney – called West Bromwich Albion v Luton Town at 2-0 on 40 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Howard
called Walsall v Forest Green Rovers at 0-3 on 44 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cove Rangers 5-2 East Fife at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished – FAILED!

The second week of the EFL saw quite a few games where the fans in the stands got nostalgic about the last season’s non-attendences. Birmingham City v Stoke City, Swansea City v Sheffield United, Port Vale v Tranmere Rovers and Rochdale v Scunthorpe United all qualified for the category, having ended 0-0 and combining with less than 5 shots on target between them.

Amazed that Lee Angol is still just 26. He’s already picked up the ‘well-travelled’ moniker (League Paper) but having 12 clubs at that age is certainly eligible for the Claridge Clock category (before its imminent retirement).

As for the Category Without A Name, where a player scores and gets a red card later in the game. David Brooks is a very unlikely nominee here as he looks about 14 and Barney’s Blades-supporting brother can barely remember him making a tackle without getting injured. But he did indeed score on 28 and saw red on the hour so there you go.

A lengthy trip over the border sees us pitch up at the Lowland League, which are experimenting with the inclusion of Celtic and Rangers’ under 21s in a bid to give young Scottish players meaningful and competitive minutes against older, more savvy players. In terms of ‘Competitive’ initial results aren’t promising:

Rangers B 9-1 Gretna 2000

Vale Of Leithen 0-10 Celtic B, including a one-man gub for Owen Moffat.

Finally, it was the first round of the Welsh FA Cup. Sample results include:

Caurau Ely 3-8 Brecon Corries

Pencoed Athletic (Amateur) 5-0 Treharris Athletic (Western)

Is there a professional Pencoed Athletic, just up from Bridgend? Is Treharris blessed with four teams for every main direction? Why is no-one asking these questions?


Chris Lines (Stevenage)
Jacob Murphy (Newcastle United)
Josh Onomah (Fulham)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Danny Andrew (Fleetwood Town)
Lee Angol (Bradford City) x2
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers) x2

charlton02
Harry Pell (Accrington Stanley)
Karlan Grant (West Bromwich Albion)

Arsenal
Chris Willock (Queens Park Rangers)
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Aberdeen)
Luke Ayling (Leeds United)

Callum Robinson (West Bromwich Albion)
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Joe Riley (Carlisle United)
John Lundstram (Rangers)
Sam Vokes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Stefan Scougall (Alloa Athletic)


RESOUNDING WIN FOR THE BLADES

Season 9 Game 01 (6-9 August)

THE ‘Doing the Tango with Wai Lin – But Is It True?’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Oti Mabuse (32), Michelle Yeoh (59) and Wikipedia’s founder Jimmy Wales (55) are this week’s birthdays.


They return like a new COVID strain.

Barney: ‘Kelty go 3-0 up – there’s a run on Stirling’
Chris: ‘Reading equalise a minute after conceding – that’s a ‘Swift’ response from the Royals’ midfielder’
Howard: ‘Sutton’s striker scores their first EFL goal but will Bugiel blow his own trumpet?’

You can imagine how busy our acquainance has been over the recent few months, dispensing all kinds of malady throughout most of the planet. Clearly enthused by the results of getting out more, the being has decided to spread its fingers, become rather more sociable and look to get more involved in the worlds it lives in.

But it has indicated some things won’t be changing and Paul Mullin at Wrexham, Joe Piggott at Ipswich and Conor McAleny at Salford City all blanked as the lifeform of uncertain origin clearly started as it means to go on.

The categories are usually chosen at random but Make Ya Ma Proud is almost always selected for the opening day for two reasons. These are they’ll always be a few players ‘who endured a nightmare debut’ (trad arr. Sue Thearle, EFL on QUEST) so it’s like shooting fish and also to avoid a complete blank on first blush. We’ll save those for later when the realisation that we haven’t got any better 8 or 9 seasons in has set in.

The early winner was Port Vale’s goalie, Lucas Covolan, who has eschewed the Brazilian top flight with Athletico Paranese for the bright lights of Whitehawk, Lewes, Torquay United and now the Staffordshire outfit. Straight red on debut after fetching down Northampton Town’s Nicke Kabamba when he was through on goal.

But what’s this? Kristian Dennis at St Mirren? Bought on in the 77th minute for his debut when his team are 2-0 down? ‘The Buddies’ fetch a goal back on the 85th? And Dennis elbows Hearts’ Haring and gets an early bath on 86, 9 minutes after coming on? You love to see it. Unless you’re Jim Goodwin, the St Mirren boss, who in 2021 strongly resembles a ‘before’ to Rylan Clark-Neal’s ‘after’ in a Just For Men advert.

Liam Boyce got the winner for Hearts. Cliftonville – Ross County – Burton Albion – Hearts? That’ll do nicely, as they used to say on the American Express ads of the mid 80s. Josh Magennis and his previous parishes at Kilmarnock, Charlton Athletic, Bolton Wanderers and now Hull City would be a rather apt alternative.


Barney – called Rotherham United v Plymouth Argyle at 2-0 at 45 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Stirling Albion v Kelty Hearts at 0-3 on 65 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Wycombe Wanderers v Accrington Stanley at 2-0 on 20 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!

Previous denizens Fred Oyedinma and Harry Cornick at Luton Town are present and correct (they certainly were against Peterborough United but that’s not too tough when you’re facing Dan Butler at leftback…) but are joined by Swindon Town’s Harry Parsons. I’m sure his goal was appreciated by team-mates Kevin Horlock and Paul Bodin, who are also looking forward to their first season in the Premier League under Glenn Hoddle’s management.


Ooh look, it’s a new category and it might not be the only one if we can think of a title for the other two potential newbies.

So it’s a case of a dominant (in stats) team ‘throwing everything, including the kitchen sink’ (Nick Halling, EFL on QUEST – that’s now two more credits than the show deserves) at the opposition and the defending team coming away with at least a point, maybe more.

Your scribes don’t have to travel too far to locate a most appropriate example of the above as Bramall Lane welcomed fans back for the first time for a long old time. Those fabled vibes powered Sheffield United to a 0-1 reverse against Birmingham City, who had 24% possession and scored with their only shot on target.

Remember, it was the lack of the fans at t’Lane which saw Sheffield United’s rapid decline, not a £20m striker scoring zero Premiership goals and a £22m midfielder racking up the injuries.

A blank for its’ season debut? It appears so.

Rotherham United’s Freddie Ladapo score against Plymouth Argyle at the weekend. This constitutes a double whammy as the ‘nomadic’ striker’s on his 16th team at just 27 and one of those former teams is the Devon outfit. It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ as he collects his Claridge Clock via zoom.

Some debate over this one as Sky had Northampton Town’s goalscorer as Bernard Ashley-Seal whilst the BBC claimed his first name to be ‘Benny’. If Sky are correct, he should’ve qualified for Old School but either way he’ll be only eating biscuits from the packet whilst making the toast after hearing the rhetorical question ‘Are You My Fag?’ whilst learning the ropes from one of the regulars in Hull City’s Keane Lewis-Potter.

Elgin City’s defender Darryl McHardy scores quite a few goals for a non-striker. He netted at the weekend and would be described by Scotsport as ‘Quite the character’. We would describe him as Known To The Authorities and there’s been a few… [this section is long enough as it is so for further info, see the Police Gazette].

Historic moment for Sutton United as they notched up their first ever goal as part of the 92. Omar Bugiel, who’s been one of their more frequent goalscorers over the past couple of seasons got the accolade. The Berlin-born striker represents Lebanon in international football and that’s easily enough to be a Local Boy Makes Good.

Finally, Kelty Hearts are a reasonably new Scottish team who have quite a bit of money behind them and are now in League Two. Kelty made some waves when they announced they were turning professional in the 2021/22 season and doubled down on this with the signing of former Hibs and Dundee centre-back Jordan Forster on a pro contract. They marked their league debut with a convincing 3-1 away win at Stirling which was made more auspicious when one of the original Born Under Burberry types, Kallum Higginbotham scored plus Forster enjoying a Day Trip To Brighton and scoring at both ends. Forster clearly was delighted to have got out of Dens Park [CLICK LINK]. Though given his debut, one would also hope the residents of the former mining heartland are rather more enlightened than this rather illuminating missive would suggest: [CLICK LINK].

Queens Park Rangers v Millwall was the definition of an Unpleasant Local Derby. Let’s say no more there.

And finally – Buckie Thistle 10-0 Keith in the Highland League, which saw Keith go in with seven players unavailable and 12 players full stop, of which only 9 saw the full 90 minutes. Three games into the Highland League, Buckie are top with 18 goals scored and 0 against. Keith are bottom, having scored 0 and conceded 16. This has to be the earliest Darwinism Incarnate we’ve recorded yet.


Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Callum McManaman (Tranmere Rovers)
Conor Grant (Rochdale)
Rhys McCabe (Airdrieonians)


Danny Lloyd (Gillingham)
Gwion Edwards (Wigan Athletic)
Jason Naismith (Kilmarnock)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Mohamed Eisa (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)
Macauley Bonne (Ipswich Town on loan from Queens Park Rangers)
Naby Sarr (Huddersfield Town)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

Arsenal
Marc Bola (Middlesbrough)


Alex Baptiste (Bolton Wanderers)
Callum Robinson (West Bromwich Albion)
Conor Sammon (Alloa Athletic)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
John Brayford (Burton Albion)
Kyle McFadzean (Coventry City)
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)

 


OPENING WEEK WIN FOR THE BLADES!

PAY ME VIA THE LINK!

Season 8 Game 26 (12-15 March)

THE ROUND-UP

In the spirit of our motto – None Shall Escape – here is a much-truncated collection of the final weeks of Season 8. It may be later than Northern Rail, but it’s finally got here. Somehow. This means no Categories or Zingers (shame!), just the results.

Anyway, before the break, the scores were :

ARSENAL – 0
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY – 3
CHARLTON ATHLETIC – 3 1/2
PETERBOROUGH UNITED – 9
SHEFFIELD UNITED – 9 1/2

GAME 26 – The Voice of a Desperate Housewife Freakin’ Out (12/3 – 15/3)

Will I Am, Eva Longoria (both 46) and Graham Coxon (53) are your birthdays.

Categories would be Darwinism, Not A Kid, Local Boy, Cup Week and Category without a name with Dallas at Weymouth, Watson at Northampton and List at Stevenage going up against an enemy unknown to mankind…

Sheffield Wednesday 2
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham) x2

Sheffield United 4
Che Adams (Southampton)
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Middlesbrough)

Arsenal 3
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Livingston)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town) x2

Peterborough United 8
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Middlesbrough)
Rhys Bennett (Carlisle United) x2
Ryan Tafazolli (Wycombe Wanderers)

Charlton Athletic 0


GAME 27 – Keep This Fire Burning through Captain Kirk’s Darkest Hour (19/3-22/3).

Beverley Knight (47), William Shatner (90!) and Gary Oldman (63) are your birthdays.

Fresh Hell, Shirley, Burberry, Fag and PAUL ROBINSON!!! are your categories.

Hemmings at Burton, Ayew at Swansea andCharles at Accy face a grim, unyielding future.

Sheffield Wednesday 5
Aden Flint (Cardiff City)
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Kieran Lee (Bolton Wanderers)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Sheffield United 2
Callum McFadzean (Sunderland)
Scott Boden (Torquay United)

Arsenal 3
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Josh Rees (Aldershot Town) x2

Peterborough United 5
Danny Lloyd (Tranmere Rovers)
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Josh McQuoid (Weymouth)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Charlton Athletic 3
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


GAME 28 – No titles or Categories given – [26/3-29/3]

Sheffield Wednesday 1
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)

Sheffield United 3
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
James Hanson (Grimsby Town)
Stephen Quinn (Mansfield Town on loan from Burton Albion)

Arsenal 0

Peterborough United 4
Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town)
Jack Payne (Eastleigh)
Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)

Charlton Athletic 3
Frank Nouble (Colchester United on loan from Plymouth Argyle)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Sullay Kaikai (Blackpool)


GAME 29 – ‘Frank and the Manageress are In For A Penny’ – [2/4-5/4]

Michael Fassbender (44), Cherie Lunghi (69) and Steven Mulhern (44) are this week’s birthdays.

Categories are Where’s Russell, Day Trip To Brighton, Old School, Don’t Mean Nuthin’, Claridge Clock. and Ennis at Plymouth, Marquis at Portsmouth and Magennis at Hull taking on something semi-mythical that’s not the Easter Bunny….

Oh, alright, here’s a Zinger from Barney: ‘Cuddihy’ open the scoring for Clyde?

Sheffield Wednesday 4
Aiden McGeady (Sunderland) x2 (2 games)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)

Sheffield United 7
Callum Robinson (West Bromwich Albion) x2
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Clayton Donaldson (Bradford City)
John Brayford (Burton Albion)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)
Sean McGinty (Greenock Morton)

Arsenal 3
Chris Willock (Queens Park Rangers)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Josh Rees (Aldershot Town)

Peterborough United 2
Callum Elder (Hull City)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)

Charlton Athletic 6
Callum Harriott (Colchester United)
Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic) x2
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Paul Smyth (Accrington Stanley)
Sullay Kaikai (Blackpool)


GAME 30 – Rey is The One That Got Away down Old Town Road – [9/4-12/4].

Birthdays for Daisy Ridley (29) Hardy Kruger (93!) and Lil Nas X (22)

Categories are Known To The Authorities, Make Ya Ma Proud, Darwinism, Reverse Churchill and Born In Burberry

Pukki at Norwich, Reid at Stockport and Henderson at Salford face a harder challenge than jumping Becher’s Brook without a horse….

Sheffield Wednesday 4
Jacob Murphy (Newcastle United)
Kieran Lee (Bolton Wanderers)
Sam Winnall (Oxford United)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Sheffield United 6
Callum Robinson (West Bromwich Albion)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Kieran Dowell (Norwich City)
Marc McNulty (Dundee United on loan from Reading)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)

Arsenal 1
Chris Willock (Queens Park Rangers)

Peterborough United 4
Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
George Moncur (Luton Town)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)

Charlton Athletic 7
Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United on loan from Plymouth Argyle)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Joe Dodoo (Wigan Athletic)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Sullay Kaikai (Blackpool)


GAME 31 – When Saturday Comes, The Tenth Doctor is a Bad Boy – [16/4-19/4]

Sean Bean (62), David Tennant (50) and Martin Lawrence (56) are your birthdays.

AND STAY OUT!. PAGGA!. Cup Week, Diamond Lights and Local Boy are your categories.

Greonwald at Bournemouth, Dykes at QPR and Earing at Halifax hope ‘that’ is busy elsewhere today…

Sheffield Wednesday 2
Sam Winnall (Oxford United)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Sheffield United 4
Harrison McGahey (Scunthorpe United)
Lee Evans (Wigan Athletic)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Shaun Miller (Bolton Wanderers)

Arsenal 2
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Livingston) x2

Peterborough United 3
Kyle Vassell (Fleetwood Town)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)
Peter Grant (Queen’s Park)

Charlton Athletic 6
Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Joe Dodoo (Wigan Athletic)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Sutton United)


GAME 32 – Scarface and Bridget Jones at the crease – [23/4-26/4]

Al Pacino (81), Renee Zelwegger (52) and Sachin Tendulkar (48) are the birthdays.

Categories are Don’t Call Me Shirley, Are You My Fag?, Unpleasant Local Derby, Not A Kid Anymore and Oyster Card.

Scully at Lincoln, Cole at Motherwell and Oates at Hartlepool are the week’s new adversaries for an old, old foe.

Sheffield Wednesday 4
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Sheffield United 6
Clayton Donaldson (Bradford City)
Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Conor Sammon (Falkirk)
Marc McNulty (Dundee United on loan from Reading) x2
Matt Done (Rochdale)

Arsenal 1
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Peterborough United 3
Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)

Charlton Athletic 3
Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)


GAME 33 – The Rock Says World Of Sport was Absolutely Fabulous – [30/4-3/5]

Dwayne Johnson (49), the great and powerful Dickie Davies (88) and Joanna Lumley (75) are your birthdays.

Sarr at Watford, Mendes Gomes at Morecambe and Fernandes at Man Yoo hope against hope for some end of season cheer…

Categories were to be: Fresh Hell, Old School, Born In Burberry, Don’t Mean Nuthin and Paul Robinson!!!!

Jeff “Wiggy” Stelling asked Lee Hendrie to describe the Swansea City v Derby County game so far – “It’s raining.” [It perked up later, Swansea winning 2-1].

Sheffield Wednesday 4
Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United) x2
Ryan Croasdale (Stockport County)

Sheffield United 6
Ched Evans (Preston North End)
Conor Sammon (Falkirk)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Kieran Dowell (Norwich City) x2
Matt Done (Rochdale)

Arsenal 3
Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Livingston)

Peterborough United 6
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jason Cummings (Dundee) x2
Josh Davison (Forest Green Rovers)
Ricky Miller (Aldershot Town)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Charlton Athletic 3
Joe Dodoo (Wigan Athletic)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)


GAME 34 – Are you still having fun on Planet Earth? Fat Chance… – [7/5-10/5]

Birthdays for Eagle-Eye Cherry (53) David Attenborough (95) and Paul Heaton (59).

Categories are Russell, Claridge, Proud, Darwinism and Category without a name and we’ll go with Pigott at AFC Wimbledon, Nisbet at Hibs and Rees at Aldershot to have the same sinking feeling of a Labour councillor 24 hours before the polls open…

Two ROCK Birthdays to cheer you up though. Motorhead’s lead guitarist Phil Campbell (62) and the ‘proper’ Whitesnake axeman Bermie Marsden (70)

Sheffield Wednesday 5
Hallam Hope (Swindon Town)
Lloyd Isgrove (Bolton Wanderers)
Sam Winnall (Oxford United)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Sheffield United 5
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Kyle McFadzean (Coventry City) x2 [1 o.g.]
Stephen Quinn (Mansfield Town on loan from Burton Albion)

Arsenal 1
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)

Peterborough United 4
Ben Nugent (Barnet) o.g.
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Lloyd Isgrove (Bolton Wanderers)

Charlton Athletic 2
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County) x2


GAME 35 – [14/5-16/5]

Thought to be the last of the season and didn’t have a title or categories. However….

Sheffield Wednesday 0

Sheffield United 3
Che Adams (Southampton)
Scott Boden (Torquay United on loan from Chesterfield) x2

Arsenal 2
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Theo Walcott (Southampton on loan from Everton)

Peterborough United 2
Joe Lewis (Aberdeen) o.g.
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Charlton Athletic 0


GAME 36 [21/5-24/5]
Actually there were enough teams so, for the final time…

Sheffield Wednesday 2
Connor Kirby (Altrincham on loan from Harrogate Town)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)

Sheffield United 0

Arsenal 0

Peterborough United 2
Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)

Charlton Athletic 0


ARSENAL – 0
SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY – 4 1/2
CHARLTON ATHLETIC – 5 1/2
PETERBOROUGH UNITED – 12 1/2
SHEFFIELD UNITED – 13 1/2

IT’S ANOTHER TITLE FOR THE BLADES!!!

GIVE ME MONEY VIA THE ABOVE LINK!

Season 8 Game 25 (5-8 March)

THE ‘Walter White’s The King – Alright!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bryan Cranston (65), Sir Viv Richards (66) and Gaz Coombes (46).

 


Barney: ‘Colchester winger collects second yellow – that’s not Nouble’ [Frank Nouble, whose dismissal was part of their 2-0 home loss to Newport County]
Chris: ‘Whitely scores against his old club – should he celebrate? That’s a conundrum’ [Corey Whiteley scored the opening goal in Boreham Wood’s 2-2 draw away to Dagenham & Redbridge]
Howard: ‘Patrick makes it ‘Brough’ for Mansfield’ [Barrow’s Brough scored 2 goals shortly after Ryan Sweeney was sent off.]

Is losing control of all the COVID mutations out there – the South African, the Brazillian and now a newer strain that it believes is named after it misheard a mortal describe the Prime Minister. Who knows how the Kent COVID will affect future plans?

These ruminations utterly failed to prevent Kyle Wootton at Notts County[they didn’t even dare play during this week!], Mallik Wilks at Hull City or Heung-Min Son at Tottingham Hotspurs from the Dread Hand’s blandishments and another blank was recorded.

It’s been a fairly grim old season for both Sheffield clubs with a dual relegation looking increasingly likely for yon Blades and Owls. The latter also have the added burden of being snookered by FFP. One of the higher earners at Hillsborough is defender Julian Borner and to be fair, he has been one of Wednesday’s better players. But that’s really not saying much and his double-whammy of a pass to nobloodybody followed by last man rugby tackle on George Puscas = straight red for Borner and a converted Reading penalty is plenty enough to get the prize.

The unravelling begins at around 0:25 [LINK].

And this is another blank, I’m honestly not sure if there’s been a multiple red-card rumble when we’ve put this up as a category. It’s the lack of fans meaning a lack of atmosphere, said Russ Abbot [maybe they’re on an All Night Holiday?].

 

Kilmarnock’s veteran striker Kyle Lafferty was busted by the footballing authorities over betting on matches and was £23,000 out of pocket at the end of the hearing.

Failing that, we have the side-issue of Gavin Whyte who scored twice this week on loan with Hull City, but back in his Oxford United days, he was caught exposing himself in Belfast city centre [LINK]. Just to make it even worse, it was the same night that he was being honoured at a sports dinner at an awards ceremony for his on-field achievements. He was “spoken to” by the authorities.


Barney was feeling rather smug when Preston North End’s midfielder Daniel Johnson scored as his namesake was a musician of occasional genius and very wobbly health much admired by Kurt Cobain. But it was a case of ‘best laid plans and all that’ as that’s actually Daniel Johnston.
So, this meant we had to fall on the old stand-bys of Traffic co-founder/Burnley target man Chris Wood, and Busted bassist/Exeter City striker Matt Jay.


Aston Villa v Wolverhampton Wanderers. It’s Villa v Wolves. It’s Birmingham [and Wolverhampton]. Barney was about to suggest further Dagenham & Redbridge v Boreham Wood…but the referee intervened, invoking the mercy rule. No son, you’ve done enough.


Barney – called Morecambe v Carlisle United at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Norwich City v Luton Town at 3-0 on 72 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Reading v Sheffield Wednesday at 2-0 on 64min in a fit of desperation – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

 

As mentioned above it’s been a shocker of a season for the Sheffield clubs. Both outfits can share in the delight of having ex-players score against them over the weekend with Lucas Joao of Reading and Southampton’s Che Adams netting against the Owls and Blades respectively. At least It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ to them.

However, this wasn’t the best set of It Don’t Mean Nuthin’s as Dagenham & Redbridge v Boreham Wood saw the Daggers’ Angelo Balanta and Boreham Wood’s Corey Whiteley [two mentions in one post! Need any more publicity doing Corey?] score against their former clubs.

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink’s back at Burton Albion, and the Brewers are going up the league table apace since his arrival. Their win over Peterborough United saw Kane Hemmings score the opener. The well-travelled [“old”] striker’s last three clubs are Notts County – Dundee – Burton, which will always be enough for an AND STAY OUT!!!

Sunderland v Rochdale ended in a rather predictable home success. We have to ask Is It Cup Week? as that’s a Premiership v League Two clash 10 or 15 years back.

It’s always gratifying to see a Local Boy Makes Good and Inverness Caledonian Thistle’s Bulgarian striker Nikolay Todorov’s goal for the away team against Alloa Athletic in the Scottish Championship certainly would have warmed the hearts of some of Thistle’s more parochial followers.

Finally Middlesborough lost 2-1 to Swansea City after the home team were awarded a contentious penalty in the 8th minute of 2nd half injury time when 5 minutes was shown on the fourth officials’ board. Boro’s boss Neil Warnock was in familiar philosophical form and in no way at all was this a Fresh Hell.

“WHERE DO I START?!” Raging Neil Warnock blasts match officials after defeat to Swansea [LINK].


Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South) x2
Lucas Joao (Reading) – counting double against his old club
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham) x2


Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Kyle Vassell (Released) was Fleetwood
Omar Bogle (Doncaster Rovers)
Shaq Coulthirst (Boreham Wood)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)
Toumani Diagouraga (Morecambe)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

charlton02
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South) x2
Jamie Ward (Solihull Moors)
Joe Dodoo (Wigan Athletic)
Omar Bogle (Doncaster Rovers)

Arsenal
A blank!


Che Adams (Southampton)- counting double against his old club
James Hanson (Grimsby Town)
Jamie Ward (Solihull Moors)

 


A NARROW WIN FOR THE POSH

Season 8 Game 24 (26 February – 1 March)

THE ‘let’s just get this over with and published eh’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because this has gone on long enough. In unrelated news, over this weekend were the birthdays of Timothy Spall (64), Derren Brown (50) and Chelsea Clinton (41).


Barney: ‘Did the Swindon equiliser arrive in first half stoppage Twine?’ [Scott Twine’s goal was the first in Swindon’s 2-1 win over Northampton Town]
Chris: [had one but it was digitally removed by chicanery]
Howard: ‘Knowles’ goal has snookered Dagenham(or it deserves a “Tony”)’ [Tom Knowles’ goal won the game for Yeovil Town 1-0]

The Dread Hand of Barney sat back again sat this one out, watching the Brexit disaster continue to play out. the next hundred waves of Covid appear, and waited for the next disaster to happen.


Barney – called Charlton Athletic v Blackpool at 0-3 on 63 min – Finished : 0-3- FAILED!
Howard
– called nothing this week – FAILED!
Chris
– called Leyton Orient v Tranmere Rovers  at 0-3 on 63 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!


Was that a pagga at the end of Bournemouth v Watford? Why yes. Just 16 minutes for Jack Wilshere to come on and get two yellow cards.

Also a fine make ya ma proud from Bromley’s Chris Bush. Red Carded on his first game back from two match ban for a straight red on 6 February.


Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Danny Mayor (Plymouth Argyle)
Michael Morrison (Reading)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)


Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Junior Morias (Boreham Wood on loan from St Mirren)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Luton Town)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)
Tyler Denton (King’s Lynn Town)

charlton02
Brandon Hanlan (Bristol Rovers)
Brendan Sarpong-Wiredu (Colchester United) o.g.
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Michael Morrison (Reading)
Scott Sinclair (Preston North End)

Arsenal
Josh Rees (Aldershot Town)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)


Ched Evans (Preston North End)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Shaun Miller (Bolton Wanderers)

 


A CLEAR POSH WIN!

Season 8 Game 23 (19-22 Feb)

THE ‘Buffy’s Secrets & Lies – rated R’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Anthony Stewart Head (67), Mike Leigh (78) and Rihanna (33).


Nothing else called, so the usual punishment applies:
Howard: “Jamar’s team are not going to Loza this one”

The Dread Hand of Barney was not on call this week, which is possibly why Shane Long was allowed to score his first goal in over a year. Had it still been a category, it would have qualified for a ‘Bendtner!’. Bournemouth still lost 2-1 to Queen’s Park Rangers, so maybe there was a little demonic intervention.


Barney & Chris – didn’t call anything – FAILED!
Howard
– called Huddersfield Town v Swansea City at 4-1 on 55 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!


Wiggy update – after Marlon Pack scored in Cardiff City’s game with Preston North End, Mr Stelling told the Soccer Saturday faithful: “Preston have been sent Pack-ing” [Cardiff won 4-0, by the way]. Has he been reading our Zingers section? We did that gag ages ago! And if so, how about a scriptwriting job, Sky TV?
He was on form, as later Charlie Brown scored for Milton Keynes Dons, the Great One said “MK Dons bought Charlie Brown from Chelsea. You know how much they paid for him? Peanuts!” [We can’t claim credit for that one]. MK beat Northampton Town 4-3.

Also – James Coppinger (40) scored in Fergie Time (90+12! – could this be a new category??), earning Doncaster Rovers a 3-3 draw with Hull City. Given that Hull were 3-1 up, this would certainly have qualified as a Reverse Churchill.


Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)

Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Jason Cummings (Dundee)
Jermaine Anderson (Aldershot Town)
Josh Davison (Leicester City on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Omar Bogle (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02Ademola Lookman (Fulham on loan from RB Leipzig)
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Omar Bogle (Doncaster Rovers)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Sutton United)

ArsenalMarc Bola (Middlesbrough)

Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
James Wilson (Salford City)
Marc McNulty (Dundee United on loan from Reading)
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Shaun Miller (Bolton Wanderers)

 


HALF EACH FOR THE BLADES AND THE ADDICKS!

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