Season 4 Game 19 (4-7 November)

THE ‘Saga Continues for Gwen Tracy on Eggheads’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of P Diddy (surely time to ditch the silly name at 46, Sean?), Emma Stone (28) and former Egghead, CJ de Mooi (48).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Charlton’s {Ademola} Lookman eyes up second round’
Chris: *Absent*
Howard: [Sure I had one here, but nothing exists in the Barney archive. I think it was deported by Donald Trump.]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes Mr Trump will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood Town’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln City’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Crawley Town’s Andre Blackman had a lot to say against Bristol Rovers, so much so he was booked for foul and abusive language and subsequently red carded for dissent. A reality show with him and Ross Flitney (see below) could see Channel 4, beat it’s own swearing record.

Pagga!Pagga!
This category has enjoyed a decent run recently but it’s drawn a blank today. It might have to fight itself, like the winos outside Bargain Booze.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Colchester United’s Tarique Fosu-Henry has been here before so we’ll go with the superbly named Duane Ofori-Acheampong at Dartford instead. Clearly named after a gas cloud in the Surrey town…. A Cheam Pong – see what I’ve done there. [EDIT: Barney wrote this. I feel he should get the full kicking. er credit, he deserves here]

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Accrington Stanley’s Romauld Boco appears in another category, having racked up the requisite 10 clubs in his career, including Accrington (not once, not twice, but thrice), Sligo Rovers (Twice) and of course, FC Bharat of India.Here he is (above) looking cross-eyed, shortly after saying he was delighted to be back at Accrington….

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney – called Bournemouth v Sunderland at 1-0 on 21 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard – called Shrewsbury Town v  Barnet at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Braintree Town v Eastbourne Borough at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 7-0 – SUCCESSFULLY GUBBED (A Wham, in fact)!!

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes the new President will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Old SchoolOld School
Gillingham’s Frank Nouble scored twice against Brackley Town to save them from an embarrassing defeat against lower league opposition. [EDIT: as a late zinger entry – “it’s a Nouble effort from Frank”. What do you mean, “No” ?]

Miscellany

Drama(rama) in the first round ofthe FA Cup tie between Whitehawk and Stourbridge (bet they were thrilled to be drawn against each other rather than a glamourous home tie v Rochdale). Local Boy Javier Fevarel hit a screamer (“left foot…CRACK!” ?) for the home team around two seconds after referee blows the final whistle. Consternation ensues, interrupted only by referee dishing out a straight red to Whitehawk’s veteran goalie Ross Flitney for an exquisite outburst of foul language that you usually only get from one of Barney’s favourite unpleasant comedians. Or Wayne Rooney, who is probably funnier.

As is always the case in the first round of the FA Cup, there were some heartening tales of plucky part-timers getting gubbed (Merstham 0-5 Oxford United) and Mullahed (Northampton Town 6-0 Harrow Borough) in true Darwinesque fashion, plus Chris’ choice for the Stealth Gub – Braintree Town, who as you’ve already read, whammed Eastbourne Borough, 7-0.

[EDIT Alas, Braintree’s impressive efforts count for naught as we are directed to the far North of Scotland, where Rothes 0-9 Wick Academy is a full-time score, it’s a dry Wyngarde in deepest Morayshire and that’s got to sting a bit.]

This week’s sponsor is not an actual sponsor as such, as whilst an anonymous donor is paying for Save The Children to be emblazoned on the front of Heart Of Midlothian’s home shirts, the Jam Tarts (no really) don’t appear to have an away shirt backer. This is because their away shirts for the 2016/17 are bloody awful. Supporting evidence below:

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixConnor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Glenn Whelan (Stoke City)
Hallam Hope (Bury) x2
Marnick Vermijl (Preston North End)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


FourBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
SevenDarren Bent (Derby County)
Frank Nouble (Gillingham) x2
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
ThreeRoarie Deacon (Sutton United) x2
Steve Sidwell (Brighton and Hove Albion)


Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Ched Evans (Chesterfield)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Ryan Flynn (Oldham Athletic)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley) o.g.

OVERALL RESULT: BLADES AGAIN! DOING ALMOST AS WELL AS IN REAL LIFE!

Season 4 Game 17 (21-24 Oct)

THE ‘keeping Up With The Tall Man in the Deadpool’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Golblum (63), Kim Kardashian (36) and Ryan Reynolds (39).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘East Kilbride’s Gibbons gets sent off, goes ape’ [after the defender’s red card for violent conduct].
Chris: ‘It’s good-night from Joe Day’ [following the Newport County keeper’s dismissal v Plymouth Argyle].
Howard: ‘”What’cha talkin’ about Willis?”’ After Stenhousemuir’s Willis Furtado gets a second yellow for Foul and Abusive Language. [EDIT: I don’t remember suggesting this one!]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Found the recent reruns of Time Team series 1 to be fascinating, though it wishes young Mick Harding would get a haircut. Our semi-supernatural acquaintance managed to stall the goalscoring runs of Preston North End’s Hughill and Dundee United’s Toni Andreu, alas, Barrow’s Byron Harrison’s goal against Woking prevented a clean sweep.

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Has produced nothing this week. Maybe because of the Southern Rail strike. Is keeping a watchful eye on Sunderland and Fort William though.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
It’s a blank. Not even a drink-drive offence. Football players, sort it out. Dover Athletic’s Ricky Miller was the closest, having been found not guilty of aggravated assault. Let’s hope he didn’t use the same legal chicanery as Ched Evans’ lawyers…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Shrewsbury Town’s Ivan Toney was a teenage star at Northampton Town before joining Newcastle United for an ‘undisclosed fee’ a couple of years back. He’s thrived there, which is why he’s made zero starts for Ashley Inc. and is on loan at League One’s bottom club, where he scored both Shrews goals against the Cobblers in a 2-4 reverse. Mind you, it could be worse, he could be working at Sports Direct…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Forest Green Rovers (2nd in National League) 3 Guiseley (Last) 0. And the Nailsworth outfit hit the post twice.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Huntly v Spartans [NOTE: not the amateur side from The Arsenal StadiumMystery] called at 0-2 on 25 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Blackpool v Doncaster Rovers at 4-1 on 50 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Dover Athletic v Braintree Town at 4-1 on 41 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUBBED!!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Torquay United 0-0 Aldershot Town. Five shots on target. That sounds good to these ears and this category. [NOTE: Torquay’s own website described the first half as “lively” !]

Miscellany

Quite a bit to cover (ie. a lot of waffle!)

Couldn’t help but notice Solihull Moors’ Damson Park ground is now known as The Automated Technology Group Stadium. Accusations the team played like robots may be closer to the truth than usual.

A HIH ‘chapeau’ to the aforementioned Ricky Miller, who indulged in a one man ‘good seeing to’ against Braintree Town [this made it 15 goals in 15 appearances in all competitions this season].

Because The Cavendish actually put the sound on, we were blessed with hearing a 60p from Chesterfield’s Proact stadium, which was built all those years ago in 2009. We also got a vintage Merson-vous-anglais, where Leicester City’s Algerian target man (Islam Slimani) was described as “Isam Salami” by Mr Merson to the amusement of his fellow panellists.

Fun and games in the Scottish cup qualifiers, can you guess what happened in this game?

30:37, GOAL!!! Derek Young (Formartine United)

31:09 Kane Winton (Banks O’Dee) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

31:44 Derek Young (Formartine United) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

A PAGGA!, in the home of PAGGAs.

A PAGGA! Is rarely bettered, but Preston Athletic’s efforts against Montrose are worthy of least an honourable mention:

Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose.

91’ Jack Jardine (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for a dangerous tackle.

92’ Gavin Stephenson (Preston Athletic) is shown a second yellow card for foul and abusive language

92’ FT Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose

Danny O’Rourke (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for foul and abusive language.

We’re in rarified air for this week’s sponsor, as it is Premier League club Hull City (won’t be saying that next year, according to Barney) and their 3 year deal with SportPesa which, as I’m sure you all know, is a sports betting company based in Kenya. Yes, Kenya. Not quite the most economically stable of countries, but Hull’s commercial department were clearly swayed by the company’s assurances that business was ‘doing pretty good’ and they ‘employed many people’ (from Financial Times-click here for link) So that’s just fine, nothing to worry about there.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
OneGrant Holt (Hibernian)


EightDanny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall) x2
Gabriel Zakuani (Northampton Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
ThreeAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Matt Fry (York City)

Arsenal
TwoAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)


10Alex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
Andy Taylor (Blackpool, o.g.)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)-counting double against old club
Chris Porter (Colchester United) x2
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: THE LUFF JUGGERNAUT ROLLS ON. ANOTHER WIN!

Season 3 Game 50 (13-16 May)

THE “ELIZABETH LIKES THE FORCE” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE OF THE SEASON – THE FINAL HIH OF THE SEASON

So named because of the birthdays of Cate Blanchett (47), Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg (32), and Star Wars’ George Lucas (72)

THE CATEGORIES

Miscellany

Nothing here. Other than a Pope-like kissing the ground and thanking everyone and everything that it’s all over.  Almost…

And for one last

ZingerZINGER
It was the beginning of the STOREY for Inverness (at Dundee), the second wasn’t DEVINE, and they were starting to DRAPER themselves in glory with the third, but ended up scoring FOR(AN). Well, that should have killed them off, it must indeed be the end.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoMichail Antonio (West Ham United)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)


NilA rare blank!

charlton02
NilAn even-rarer blank!

Arsenal
OneCesc Fabregas (Chelsea)


TwoMark Bunn (Aston Villa) – og
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: A LAST HURRAH FOR THE BLADES AND THE OWLS – HALF EACH

Season 3 Game 49 (6-9 May)

THE ‘IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN, ON THE BEACH’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because all good things have to come to an end. And unremittingly mediocre tripe like this does too.

NOTE – Despite Barney’s title, there were enough clubs the following week for a HIH. As this was unplanned, it will be presented as just a midweek-style results-only edition. But we all know who’s ‘won’…

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Wahbi} Khazri’s goal leaves Newcastle in the Khazi’
Chris:
‘{Dwight} Gayle takes wind out of Stoke’s sails’
Howard:
‘It’s all gone ‘flat’ at ‘Stanley’ {Accrington Stanley’s 0-0 draw meant they did not qualify for automatic promotion to League One}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Goals from Will Grigg and a double from Brentford’s Scott Hogan meant only Aberdeen’s Adam Rooney was struck by the hand’s foul malady. Though The Being didn’t care too much, as it had retired to its holiday crypt for the summer, vowing to return when the days begin to shorten and the words ‘Peterborough, nil’ are heard again.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Stoke City’s Charlie Adam, Burnley’s Sam Vokes, and for that matter, Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy probably qualify here. But MK Dons’ Nicky Maynard probably has the best claim.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Always likely to be a fun category at this point in the year, we’ll start with John Terry’s Red Card in the final minute of what may well be his final home game for Chelsea. {EDIT: It wasn’t. He just can’t let go and neither, it seems, can they}

West Ham United’s final Saturday home game resulting in a 1-4 scunnering to Swansea City, who were clearly irritated at having to leave the beach for the game (as irritated as some of us are by the word ‘scunnering’, if indeed it is an actual word at all!). That contest also featured a more traditional Make Ya Ma Proud moment as Swansea’s Stephan Kingsley was credited with an own goal on his debut – Peterborough United are rumoured to be preparing a bid…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Oxford United 3-0 Wycombe Wanderers. 26 driving miles. So there you go. [And cue Barney’s weekly Peterborough United rant………..} Oh and Wycombe should be without a manger soon as if Posh have any sense Gareth Ainsworth would be their next manager {EDIT: He wasn’t; as expected, Grant McCann got the nod}. And they’ve released “The Tank” (Gabriel Zakuani), though Tafazolli at Mansfield is pretty good. Ahem….. {Not that you would catch me moaning about my club…doing the double over the champions…blah blah…ten points behind….fume…Leicester £$%$^$^ City?!?…. and so on}

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Plymouth’s Tyler Walker or Portsmouth’s Kai Naismith would be solid winners. But Chav overlord Wayne Rooney’s oldest son is called Kai, so that’s where the prize is heading.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Charlton Athletic v Burnley, called at 0-3 on 52 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Luton Town v Exeter City, called at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Hull City v Rotherham United, called at 4-1 on 52 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED! 

Miscellany

Bought to you this week by the Ashburton Grove Stadium, or The Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal FC, you may have heard of them. The Emirates Airline group is owned by an absolute monarchy which favours the Saudi interpretation of Sharia Law and builds its stadia with slave labour, whilst deporting UN investgators into human rights violations. And the rest of that Barney rant has just been cut…

Plymouth Argyle 5-0 Hartlepool United. 774 miles and around 12 and a half hours of a round trip on the final day of the season.

 

Elsewhere, Neil MacDonald’s Half-time Churchill at Peterborough United can’t be ignored, his stirring words influenced the Tangerines’ impressive five-goal meltdown in 5-1 reverse, whilst rather closer to home, the Sheffield United players lap of honour after a 0-2 home defeat to the mighty Scunthorpe saw most of the fans indicate how many goals the away had scored, accompanied by an unrelenting chorus of boos which saw the players retreat halfway through.

Finally, The Valley reeked of brimstone as Sean Dyche spoke of his disappointment over Burnley not being presented with the Championship trophy. Football chiefs were said to be locked away in the headquarters of the FA inside a magic pentangle chanting ancient protective spells whilst wearing silver crucifixes.

Bendtner
Languishing in mid-category limbo is… BENDTNER! – QPR’s veteran Karl Henry is now in double figures for goals in his professional career, after 468 appearances. non-strikers need to average 1 every 40 games to qualify and strikers match the profligacy of the former Arsenal man at 1 every 10 games, so Henry handily makes the grade. [Or so Barney says. But this Category is for misfiring STRIKERS!!!!! He’s not a striker. To be fair though, neither was Nicklas….]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveChris Maguire (Oxford United)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Ryan Lowe (Bury) x2
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


11Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone, on loan from Coventry City)
Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace) x2
George Boyd (Burnley)
Jake Livermore (Hull City) x2
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town) x2

charlton02FiveDale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
David Mooney (Southend United)
Franck Moussa (Southend United)
Michael Turner (Sheffield Wednesday, on loan from Norwich City) – own goal
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet for the Gunners 🙂

Five Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
John Egan (Gillingham)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: EASY TO SEE WHO WON THIS WEEK – BARNEY’S PETERBOROUGH!

Season 3 Game 48 (29 Apr – 2 May)

THE Dirty Den’s Midnight Special with a Redheaded Stranger HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of convicted murderer and sometime-actor Leslie Grantham (69), Kirsten Dunst (34) and professional stoner Willie Nelson (83, looking like 237).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
{Joe}‘Mason free to score for Wolves’ [?!]
Chris: {Scott}‘Hogan’s a hero for Brentford’
Howard: {Jimmy}‘Spencer off his marks for Notts County’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Our undead friend was feeling pleased with itself when Ayr’s Michael Moffat and Motherwell’s Louis Moult failed to score. Alas, Brighton’s Tomer Hemed’s very late goal caused it to shake its skeletal fist at fate.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
As always, when this is a category, it’s a blank. See the previous week’s entry as to why.


Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Best I can find out there is Shrewsbury’s Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro, which doesn’t really count

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
…g
oes to Mark-Antoine Fortune of Coventry, with 11 teams at 32. No doubt he’ll be presented with said award by the MD, with uneasy, forced grins abounding for the corporate magazine.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Manfield let the 6ft 5ins striker Ollie Palmer go, citing a need to play a ‘less primitive’ brand of football. (Mansfield and ‘Less Primitive’!?). Palmer contained his Neanderthal nature to score the only goal in Leyton Orient’s win over Mansfield. He then celebrated by bashing a woman over the head and dragging her back to his cave (not really).

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Huddersfield fans will have thoroughly enjoyed that 402-mile round trip to Bristol City, watching their team stay on the West Yorkshire Riviera and receive a 4-0 good seeing to in the process.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Millwall v Oldham Athletic, called at 2-0 on 39 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Hamilton Academical v Kilmarnock, called at 0-3 on 56 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Brentford v Fulham, called at 2-0 on 9 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

We’ll head to the South Coastal area and Basingstoke’s Camrose Stadium, which is now rejoicing under the wholly unlikely name of The SOCCER AM Stadium. The stadium has seen rather better days, as has the show since Tim Lovejoy quit.

Another coastal team, Blackpool, is heading for Division 2 and Neil MacDonald’s halftime Churchill, mutating a 0-0 draw into a 0-4 home reverse to Wigan. Exemplary.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveChris Maguire (Oxford United)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Gary Gardner (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Aston Villa)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FourJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kenneth McEvoy (York City)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)

charlton02
TwoJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet for us 🙂


FiveColin Kazim-Richards (Celtic)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Stephen Quinn (Reading)

OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN THE STEEL CITY CLUBS. HALF EACH FOR CHRIS AND STEVE!

Season 3 Game 47 (22-25 Apr)

THE ‘Sugababe and The Joker: The Awful truth’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Amelle Berabbah (32 – who?!), Jack Nicholson (79) and Michael Moore (62) enjoyed various amounts of birthday cake over the weekend.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Matt Cash puts Dagenham quids in’
Chris: ‘{Liam} Nolan put Southport In The Mood For Dancin’’
Howard: [Nothing recorded but er… ] ‘Elphick for Bournemouth – is he taking the Michael’. No? Oh well…

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Our ethereal acquaintance clearly didn’t find the unusually chilly weather to his liking, as whilst Nahki Wells failed to score, it was a brace each for Dundee’s Kane Hemmings and Josh ‘Son of SMASHING!!’ Windass at Accrington Stanley. Who’s Dean Windass? ask yer grandad…

Pagga!Pagga!
It seems like there’s been a dearth of mano et mano violence on the pitch this season, which is another way of saying it’s a blank.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Plymouth Argyle’s Graham Carey has been a regular in this category over the season so we’ll go with Lionel Ainsworth, who’s at Motherwell via Shrewsbury Town and Rotherham United.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Take a bow Emmanuel Dieseruvwe. Despite the exotic name, his career has taken in such glamour clubs as Sheffield Wednesday, Chesterfield, and Mansfield, which is the Stagecoach 53 route. Maybe he works on the buses like Reg Varney, who knows.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Was very nearly a wholly unlikely blank, but then old faithful Troy Deeney scored late on for Watford.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro at Shrewsbury. Seems to play for a different club every season and probably qualifies for The Claridge Clock. Has brothers called Jean-Jacques and Jean-Daniel, and a sister called Jean-Jean. The last bit of that may be completely false…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Wigan Athletic v Southend United at 2-0 on 18 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Peterhead v Ayr United at 0-3 on 54 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Altrincham v Welling United at 3-0 on 64 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

MBi Llandudno have booked their maiden journey into European competition by finishing third in the Welsh League. No doubt their progress will be stalled by some former Russian outpost with an outrageous consonant-to-vowel ratio but I’m sure they wouldn’t have reached such balmy climes without the strategic partnership struck with MBi Consulting, a local firm (No, based in Halifax) which supplies student accommodation. Llandudno’s funky new ground, MBi Maesnu Parc held the Welsh cup Final this year. Ground capacity: 1013.

Always worthy of a mention is an all-too-rare Brighton from West Bromwich Albion’s Craig Dawson, who got both goals in his side’s 1-1 draw with Tottenham Hotspur. Of course, if Barney had had it as a Category…!

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveConnor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Mansfield Town)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


ThreeCraig Morgan (Wigan Athletic) og
Shaq McDonald (Halifax Town, on loan from Derby County)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)

charlton02
OneDarren Bent (Derby County)

Arsenal
TwoHenri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) x2

ThreeDavid Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)

OVERALL RESULT: TOO LITTLE TOO LATE – A WIN FOR THE WEDNESDAY!

Season 3 Game 46 (Midweek Madness 19-20 Apr)

THE ‘Anakin Skywalker, Almost Famous for 127 Hours’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Hayden Christiansen (35), Kate Hudson (37) and James Franco (38).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard finally came up with a ‘Another goal for Lester’ when Luton’s Joe Pigott scored. [The other ones I came up with were ‘humanely’ destroyed by Barney.]

Miscellany

Cambridge United 7-0 Morecambe… a 456 mile round trip for the Morecambe fans in a very fine ‘Where’s Russell’?’

Football can often be an art form, but we noted two examples of sheer terror bringing late equalisers in the shape of Ipswich (Mick McCarthy) and Burnley (Sean ‘Hoarse’ Dyche, maybe mentioned is despatches in Dantes Inferno)

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilNo goals, goals, goals!!


ThreeJosh McQuoid (Luton Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Toumani Diagouraga (Leeds United)

charlton02
OneGreg Halford (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
TwoAbu Ogogo (Shrewsbury Town)
Mark Randall (Milton Keynes Dons)


EightGreg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
John Egan (Gillingham)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbleon) x2
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)

OVERALL RESULT: ONLY ONE TEAM IN THIS TITLE RACE – THE BLADES WIN AGAIN!

Season 3 Game 45 (15-18 Mar)

THE Hermione and Professor Farnsworth… What’s Going On!? HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Emma Watson (26 – steady, Barney!!), Futurama’s Billy West (65 – who?!) and Four(4) Non Blondes’ Lynda Perry (53 – one hit wonder).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“{Duncan} Watmore could go wrong for Norwich” [Sunderland go 3-0 up in the relegation six-pointer]
Chris: “{Joe} Bunney bugs Blackpool” [THE WINNER!]
Howard: Absent, drinking in Shrewsbury, Chester and Wrexham

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Celebrates a clean sweep as Exeter City’s Watkins, Wimbledon’s Taylor and Peterhead’s McIntosh all blanked. Though they all scored in their next games, spooky, no? (No)

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Notts County’s current manager Mark Cooper has been set a points target by the board if he is to get the job on a permanent basis. The three games since this announcement have seen defeats of 4-0, 1-0 and 5-0. No rush to place your paperweight on the desk, Mr Cooper.


Fresh HellFresh Hell
Mick McCarthy. And I quote ‘Gently pointing out his displeasure to the Ipswich players as they headed down the tunnel’. McCarthy was only around 3 miles away from his High Green childhood home, maybe that was why he was irate. Alternatively, it could be said that is his default setting…


Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
A veritable plethora of entrants this week and two stand out, Wrexham’s Kayden Jackson and Forest Green’s Kieffer Moore. Bassline skankers for them both.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Cheltenham Town v Halifax Town at 2-0 on 23 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Brechin City v Peterhead at 4-1 on 45 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Chelmsford City v Gosport Borough (!!) at 3-0 on 32 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUBBED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Neither Mitch Brundle at Braintree Town (Braintree again) or Mitch Rose at Manfield got the unaminous nod through, but Milton Keynes Dons’ Nicky Maynard, 29, most certainly did.

Old SchoolOld School
Dover’s Jack Parkinson takes the plaudits here, running on from inside left to a knockdown by Eric Mortensen, who took a George Eastham tackle from behind in the process. It were a man’s game in those days, lad…

Miscellany

When you think of the City of Chester, think not of the Roman settlements that gave the football stadium its name,  think of how you can afford that shiny new Vauxhall Zafira, as the stadium is now known as the Lookers Vauxhall Stadium. By no-one.

Incidentally, car dealership Swans Way have just moved in next door to Chester’s ground selling Fiat, Citroen, Jeep and Alfa Romeo. I bet the club sponsor’s are chuffed to bits.

Impressive effort from Milton Keynes Dons reserve keeper Cody Cropper, who in Cropping Preston’s Eoin Doyle [attempting another Zinger, Barney?], came a cropper on receiving a red card for the transgression. Said penalty was saved by emergency keeper Alex Revell, who picked the coffee sweet out of the bag [I think that means it was ‘a goal’. Blimey, it’s like the BBC text commentary who said Arsenal’s game with West Ham was started by the referee with a toot on his tooter]

And A LUBBOCK! A few of the Strathspey Thistle players will be forever blowing bubbles after their 0-10 reverse to Formartine United.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourDanny Mayor (Bury)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Leroy Lita (Yeovil Town)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)


FourGeorge Boyd (Burnley)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Toumani Diagouraga (Leeds United)

charlton02
FourLeroy Lita (Yeovil Town)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth, on loan from Swindon Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)

Arsenal
TwoJay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2


EightAdam Chapman (Mansfield Town)
Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers) x2
Christian Nade (Dumbarton)
Craig Beattie (Stirling Albion)
Matt Kilgallon (Blackburn Rovers) og
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe)
Note: Some sources gave Carl Ikeme an own goal in Wolves’ 2-1 away defeat to Hull. As the BBC did not, it just goes down as a footnote

OVERALL RESULT: THE TITLE IS PRETTY MUCH RETAINED BY THE BLADES. ANOTHER WIN!

Season 3 Game 44 (8-12 Apr)

THE ‘mulder and scully under seige from ming the merciless HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Cerys Matthews (47), Steven Seagal (64) and Max Von Sydow (87).

Note: Barney entitled this one “The ‘I Am The Mob, Out For Justice on Ming The Merciless’ Head In Hands League’, but I thought the replacement was better. It is included here for the sake of equality, and an easier life. I’d also add that Sleeper were far better than Catatonia, though Barney would never agree.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Ross County’s Dutch player scores, is it back to the {Alex} ‘Schalk’ face for Partick?”
Chris: No entry!
Howard: “Mansfield’s {Reggie}Lambe roasts Carlisle?”  or “‘It’s a knockout {Jason}Puncheon for Norwich”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
A blank day for Fernando Forestieri and Billy Paynter, but Barnet’s John Akinde defied the dark side and netted twice against Leyton Orient.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Either Swindon Town’s free-scoring striker Nicky Ajose or Hamilton’s midfielder Ali Crawford make the grade here.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Fulham 0-1 Cardiff at half-time magically transformed into 2-1 following a “stirring” Russell Slade teamtalk. ‘Stirring’ only in reference to Mr Slade’s tea, and not his Cardiff side, who book-ended their capitulation, conceding within 45 seconds of the restart and 50 seconds before the end.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
We’ve noted Arbroath’s Josh Todd (Buckcherry) and Southport’s Paul Rutherford (Frankie Goes To Hollywood) before, so here’s a new one……
Steve Sidwell organised the strings on Robbie Williams’ Swing When You’re Winning.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
This doesn’t get more well-defined than Derby County (5th) 4-1 Bolton Wanderers (Travel Pages), sending Bolton into the league where goblins, witches and Peterborough United lurk.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Yeovil Town v Exeter City is known as the ‘Scrumpy Derby’ by media folk and ‘not an actual derby’ by those in Exeter and Yeovil due to lack of games played.

There’s also Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra to consider but more on that below….

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called East Stirling v Queen’s Park at 0-3 on 47 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Crawley Town v Oxford United at 1-3 on 49 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Chris
– called a Defensive Stealth Gub – Bristol City v Sheffield Wednesday at 3-0 on 45min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED…but as Wednesday remained un-gubbed, maybe it wasn’t a total failure!

Miscellany

Bought to you this week by The Sports Direct Arena, or Boundary Park, the home of Oldham Athletic. “If you want sports gear from a 100% UK sweatshop where even this government has named and shamed as probably breaking minimum wage laws, go to Sports Direct!” – legal note: this is Barney’s own opinion and not shared by myself or Chris, so sue away Mr Ashley…

Unpleasant Local Derby and Make Ya Ma Proud for the away team? Why, that’s surely the case in the Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra game, where Crewe needed to get at least a point to keep the fight against relegation going for another few days. Result? Port Vale 3-0 Crewe. [Note: the rest of this text was blocked due to mentions of the ‘R’ word potentially causing offence to Network Rail employees]

And because it was a category seven days previous [EDIT: it wasn’t], we had a Bendtner [see the ‘former categories’ section] in Peterborough defender Michael Smith’s 3rd goal in 173 games total. Barney will happily assure you, he’s a better striker than he is a right back.

And a quick tip of the hat to Morecambe’s Barry Roche. Two Red cards in four games, the latter on returning from a one match ban for the former. All the more impressive from a goalkeeper.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenChris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Leon Best (Rotherham United)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Richard O’Donnell (Bristol City) og
Vadaine Oliver (York City)

FiveChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Kelvin Langmead (Kidderminster Harriers, on loan from Ebbsfleet United)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale) – counting double against his old club

charlton02
FiveKadell Daniel (Welling United)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Rhys Browne (Aldershot Town)
Scott Parker (Fulham)
Simon Church (Aberdeen, on loan from Milton Keynes Dons)

Arsenal
ThreeJames Dunne (Cambridge United)
Samir Nasri (Manchester City)
Steve Sidwell (Brighton and Hove Albion, on loan from Stoke City)


EightBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Harry Maguire (Hull City) og
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Michael Doyle (Portsmouth)
Michael Higdon (Tranmere Rovers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: DESPITE CHRIS’ BEST EFFORTS, IT’S ANOTHER NOTCH FOR THE BLADES. SORRY STEVE!

Season 3 Game 43 (1-4 Apr)

THE ‘Steve Jobs and Tony Stark’s Four Candles’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Michael Fassbender and Robert Downey Jr (39 and 51 respectively). And it would be remiss not to mark the passing of the legendary Ronnie Corbett (85). “Moronic Orbit?” 😉

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney records a blank, which I find difficult to accept. However, no names leap to mind. For those suffering withdrawal symptoms…er..  erm… how about “Hamill was on the Mark for Barnsley [in the JPT Final]” ?

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
The recent warmer weather is clearly to the liking of our undead colleague, as he put the kibosh on Bristol Rovers’ Billy Bodin, Macclesfield Town’s Reece Styche and Everton’s Romelu Lukaku.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Continuing a run of blanks when it’s an actual category. Expect someone to score at both ends next week.

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Surely it’s time to mention Aston Villa? The defeat to Chelsea sent them 15 points away from safety.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
AJ Leitch-Smith at Port Vale. Again. Barney writes: “Used to play for Crewe, may be a ‘Tony Craig’s Oyster’ there?”. Sadly not though – not only Newcastle Town, but Icelandic side I B V were amongst his previous clubs.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Jamal Campbell-Ryce is on loan at Chesterfield from the Blades. Scored at the weekend for his 11th different club to date.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Hull 4-0 Bristol City. A 454-mile round trip for the Red side of Bristol. Doesn’t get more textbook than that.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Nothing, apparently – So – FAILED!
Howard
– called Shrewsbury Town v Wigan Athletic called at 1-3 on 56 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Nothing, apparently, so again – FAILED!

Miscellany

This was to be put under the old ‘Bendtner’ category…
(Channel 5 voiceover) ‘It was a VERY Good Friday for Harry Beautyman of Peterborough, as he scored his first goals in 13 months’ .
However, Barney put this down as a Category, despite it having stopped months ago. Rather like the man himself.

An appropriate sponsor this week, as we highlight the Corbett Sports Arena at Belle Vue, home of Rhyl Town. Capacity 3000. Average crowds around 600 so the George Jones stand ‘used specifically for away fans when segregation is required’ may not always be required…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoJon Shaw (Gateshead)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)


ThreeDwight Gayle (Crystal Palace)
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

charlton02
SevenBradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Conor McAleny (Wigan Athletic, on loan from Everton)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Greg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Chesterfield, on loan from Sheffield United)
Kadell Daniel (Welling United)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth, on loan from Swindon Town)

Arsenal
OneNico Yennaris (Brentford)


Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United) x2
Greg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Michael Tonge (Stevenage)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe) x2
Steve Davies (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: NO-ONE’S STOPPING LUFFY’S BLADES THIS WEEK! SURELY THE TITLE BECKONS (AGAIN!)