Season 4 Game 30 (2-4 Jan 2017)

THE ‘Ebenezer Goode, Show Me The Money and Get Lucky’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of The Shamen’s Mr C (49), Cuba Gooding Jr (49; also Mr C) and Daft Punk’s Thomas Bangalter (42; Mr T) had an extra day’s celebration over the new year. Mr C’s real name by the way is Richard West, who I feel looks like an evil Judge Rinder (seems not only I am thinking this – LINK).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Exeter’s Harley is streets ahead of Leyton Orient’
Chris: [No Comment-well, none recorded by Barney anyway!]
Howard: ‘Lewis Dunk scores for Brighton – that takes the biscuit’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Accidentally saw the New Year in with some style, after having a senior moment and getting the recipe for brimstone all wrong. The resulting explosions and cordite in the air were passed off to the alarmed neighbours as a seasonal firework display. Friendly relations were maintained with next door via an invitation to a quiet get-together sometime. This unexpected occurrence did not prevent the sentient being continuing its recent run of fine form, as Cardiff City’s Peter Whittingham, Wycombe Wanderers’ Scott Kashket and Fulham’s Stefan Johansen all failed to find the net, the latter missing a penalty in the process.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Cancelled due to the Southern Rail dispute. Rail replacement buses have been provided.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
It’s a no-no here, though Sheffield United’s Kieron Freeman (Nottingham Forest, Mansfield Town, Notts County, Derby County, Notts County, Sheffield United) looked good until the Portsmouth loan spell earlier in the season. Always one there to spoil it.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Can it really be as far back as April 2015 when Carlisle United’s Keith Curle suggested he ‘Didn’t have enough players with male genitalia’ [not even in the women’s side?] to field a competitive team? It surely was, and his rant certainly did the trick as the Cumbrians rallied in their last few games and comfortably avoided relegation. This season has seen Carlisle regularly in the top 3 in Division 2, though losing their unbeaten home record to recently promoted Grimsby may have led to a verbal, rather than physical, emasculation by Curle.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Wycombe Wanderers’ winger Paris Cowan-Hall’s goal certainly qualifies him for inclusion, though The Paris Cowan Hall may be also be where the head boys mass to sing the house song of whatever Public School they’re incarcerated in. [I feel the urge to shout “Socialist Work-ahh!” at this point…]

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
It’s that time of the year when the wheat is sorted from the chaff and teams eye up The Travel Pages with some degree of suspicion. Rotherham United are one such team who may find themselves amongst the boating holidays section of the local rag in a couple of months and that 3-0 loss at Leeds United won’t have helped matters.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Cambridge United v Notts County at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Charlton Athletic v Bristol Rovers at 4-1 on 71 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– ‘Elsewhere’ – FAILED!

Miscellany

Mike Phelan’s swan song as Hull City (NOT Hull Tigers) boss gets a double mention in despatches. His Reverse Churchill team talk when 0-1 up versus West Brom oversaw a second half meltdown and a 3-1 verdict. Phelan’s subsequent ‘Pretty boys not doing the basics’ rant is thought to have lost the players in a similar fashion to recent performances losing the board’s support and he was spared managing the team against The Blades next year.

El Barno’s regular anti-Premiership rant [this will change when Peterborough United get into the top division!] received another rendition to an audience of bored ears when Middlesbrough’s goalless draw with Leicester City contained a grand total of three shots on target.

This week’s sponsor? That would be the backers of Accrington Stanley{“Who are they?”}, who are The Plastic Box Shop – guess what they sell? Their website suggest you buy your offspring some boxes for Christmas – imagine the thrill on their faces on the morning of 25 December when your children tear open the wrapping paper and open the box to realise the box is their actual present, initiating a long-standing family schism between parent and progeny that, this being Accrington, only The Jeremy Kyle Show can solve.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)


OneChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)

charlton02
ThreeMarcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading) x2

Arsenal
FourGael Clichy (Manchester City)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Mark Randall (Newport County)
Nico Yennaris (Brentford)


TwoKyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)

OVERALL RESULT: DEAR JIM (AKA BARN) – PLEASE CAN YOU FIX IT FOR ME TO WIN THIS WEEKS H.I.H. BY MESSING AROUND WITH THE PLAYING DATES. YOU CAN? CHEERS!

Season 4 Game 24 (2-5 December)

THE ‘Dude is Toxic and Paranoid’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Bridges (67), Britney Spears (35) and Ozzy Osbourne (68).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘That’s 4 in 5 games, Otis Khan’t stop scoring for Yeovil’
Chris: [Wisely kept his counsel.]
Howard: ‘Another goal for Hearts’ Johnsen – Is he Bjorn again?’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Is enjoying the reruns of Murder She Wrote which appear to be on every channel which starts with a ‘2’ on Sky (and for those not funding the Murdoch regime, almost any ITV Freeview channel). It particularly enjoyed the episode which featured Patrick McGoohan, who as everyone knows was John Steed in The Avengers, Patrick Macnee? No, he was on Emmerdale. Patrick Mower? No?? The curse was also subject to a similar level of confusion, as Liam Mandeville of Doncaster Rovers and Tom Elliott of AFC Wimbledon (twice!) scored, leaving Woking’s Gozie Ugwu as the odd one out.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Matt Tubbs, along with Richard Brodie, were the original ‘He S@%&s Goals’ in days gone by. The former scored on his debut for Sutton United – his eleventh club (to date).

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
If Catatonia’s guitarist and Barnsley centre-back Marc Roberts doesn’t make the grade then Fulham’s striker and irritatingly nice Coldplay frontman Chris artin certainly will. Technically also, you could have had Simon Walton, now of Guiseley, as his full name is Simon William Walton. Yes, this is BBC Radio 3…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Scottish cup action here as ‘Plucky’ Beith Rovers were mullahed 6-0 by ‘Rampant’ Greenock Morton. The Bellsdale Park outfit compete in the magnificently named ‘McBookie.com West Of Scotland Superleague’. That is all.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Swansea City fans were given new heart last week after their spectacular 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Alas, Lindsey[?], what football giveth, football taketh away and after their 5-0 gubbing at Spurs, no stirring renditions of ‘Men Of Harlech’ were heard on the return leg of the 381 mile journey, just the occasional expletive regarding Sunderland 2-1 Leicester City.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
The award goes to, hmm, Nicklas Bendtner of Nottingham Forest who got his second of the season on Friday, failing that, we’ll go with Leeds United’s Kemar Roofe and his first goal in 21 games for the team with the entirely above-board owner.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Tottenham Hotspur v Swansea City at 3-0 on 48 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
Howard
– called Stevenage v Doncaster Rovers at 0-3 on 35 min (a great call!) – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Norwich City v Brentford, called at 2-0 on 18 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!

Miscellany

We’ll start with the on-pitch rumble between Jermaine Beckford of Preston North End and Eoin Doyle of, er, Preston North End for which both players received straight reds for violent conduct from a stunned ref and three match bans. After some debate, your honourable panellists deemed this event an ‘Internal Pagga’.

Inspiring words at the break from Liam McDonald saw his Solihull Moors outfit flip a surprise 2-0 away lead into a 6-2 Good Seeing To at the hands of Luton Town in a top-notch Half-time Churchill.

Dylan Nguene Bikey scored on debut for Stirling Albion at the weekend. Bikey’s previous club was the port town of Dieppe, where he was born. This makes not only eligible for Local Boy Makes Good, but […and I’ll let Barney rant from here on in…] being from Dieppe and having a name like that could well be enough for Britain First to protest outside Forthbank Satdium.

This week’s sponsors: It’s been dark, dark, days for the steel industry, none more so than in Scunthorpe, where employees at the old Tata plant were told to accept pay cuts and severe reductions in their pensions or face redundancy. Having chosen to stay in a job they were informed they now worked for the revived British Steel group. Quite what these workers thought of said British Steel shelling out to sponsor Scunthorpe United for the next two years is not recorded but it’ll warm their hearts to know their financial sacrifices aren’t for nothing. [And thus ends the leader in this week’s Socialist Worker…]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)


EightAlex Pritchard (Norwich City)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Paul Coutts (Sheffield United)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

charlton02
FourJay McEveley (Ross County)
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Simon Walton (Guiseley)

Arsenal
ThreeLuke Freeman (Bristol City)
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest)
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)


10Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town) x2
Simon Walton (Guiseley)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: SORRY STEVE – IT’S ANOTHER WIN FOR THE BLADES!

Season 4 Game 22 (22-23 Nov)

THE ‘Hey Emma, Don’t Sleepwalk with Bangerz’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of the female half of our SE London flock, Emma Cole was ‘21’, Oscar Pistorius (30), and Miley Cyrus (24).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
No. Just ‘no’.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was at the Age Concern Bridge club, this being a Wednesday and that. Our friend got quite irate at its bridge partner for failing to follow through on a Trump and accidentally sent them to the second circle of Hades. This turned out to be something of an unexpected boon, as they lived nearby in Rotherham, so saved £1 in bus fare. The hand presciently sent the bad vibes towards Sam Jones at Gateshead, Josh Morris at Scunthorpe and Alex Kiwomya at Crewe Alexandra, which only the latter could defy.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
A local entrant gets the rosette. Ex-Blade prospect Jacob Mellis returned to Brammall Lane as a Bury player. Chelsea found £1.2m down Abramovich’s sofa to whisk Mellis away from S2. Alas, the ball-winning midfielder was subsequently sacked on the spot for letting off a smoke grenade in the training ground dressing rooms and has since enjoyed an inexorable slide down the leagues. Mellis was first in the showers for a straight red on 43 minutes that was less of a tackle, more a ju-jitsu leg sweep.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
None that I could discern, this being just League 1 and 2 and National League teams playing y’see.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Either Millwall v AFC Wimbledon or Braintree Town v Bromley would fit the bill here.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
I would think Brennan Dickinson of Colchester is a excellent fit here. Safe, innit? [Mind you, he is known as Ben, according to Wikipedia]

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Chester v Southport at 2-0 on 26 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Cheltenham Town v Colchester United at 0-2 on 67 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called York City v Lincoln City called at 0-2 on 30 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Just the one 0-0 draw midweek, the previously mentioned Millwall v AFC Wimbledon. However, this was quite a good game despite the lack of goals, with 12 shots on target. Irony over ironies, Millwall’s veteran full-back Paul Robinson had the best opportunity to break the tie.

Miscellany

Erstwhile Notts County boss Shaun Derry had a season ticket for Meadow Lane as a kid, but was fired after a rumble with the boardroom last year. He wasn’t jobless for too long though, becoming Cambridge United’s manager a few months later. It’s now three wins from three games over Notts County for the Abbey Stadium outfit since Derry took over, describing the recent 1-0 success over the Midland Magpies as ‘A very satisfying performance’ makes for a solid It Don’t Mean Nuthin’

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilA clean sheet, would you believe!


FourDavid Ball (Fleetwood Town) x2
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)

charlton02
ThreeJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)

Arsenal
OneAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)


FourElliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Joel Coustrain (Raith Rovers)
Steve Davies (Rochdale) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A LOW-SCORING DRAW FROM THE TOP TWO IN THE HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE!

Season 4 Game 21 (18-21 Nov)

THE ‘Math with Girls Aloud, Nothing Else Matters’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of our very own Mathew Morrison (age withheld), Kimberley “…who?” Walsh (34) and Metallica’s Kirk Hammett (54).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Steven Davies – right on cue for Rochdale’
Chris: ‘Scoring goals for Stenhousemuir is right up Roy’s Ally’ {Alistair ‘Ally’ Roy}
Howard: ‘Albion’s Andy Ryan makes it Bravo Two-Zero (on the score actually being 2-0)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was out shopping in Waitrose (It’s the only place they sell Military Pickle and Camp Coffee these days) and bumped into its fellow denizen of the dark side, Cthulhu. They had a nice chat and passed the time on, oblivious to the fact their trolleys were blocking the aisle until Cthulhu had to say ta-ta, due to Doctors being on in half an hour. Clearly time caught up with the Hand too, as both Padraig Amond of Hartlepool United and Doncaster Rovers’ John Marquis both defied the magick, leaving Arbroath’s Martin Scott as the sole non-scorer.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Best available was Nottingham Forest’s Britt Assombalonga, who scored twice in Saturday’s late game in the Championship.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Nothing doing here, perhaps they were doing some early Christmas shopping for a nice new set of curtains and a better stereotype.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Not the easiest of categories but we’ve got a winner this week in the shape of Boreham Wood’s midfielder Kenny Davis, late of Braintree Town and Grays Athletic, who keeps it local (like Thomson’s).

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
We had quite a few goalscorers who fitted the bill, but we’ll go with Woking’s Fabio Saraiva with an honourable mention to Arbroath’s Omar Kader.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
The actual result was 3-2 but when the Carlisle United v Exeter City match is settled with a 93rd minute home goal, the Grecians fanbase will surely wonder aloud if the epic round trip (12hrs 40 mins approx) is worth it.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Derby County v Rotherham United at 2-0 on 21 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called AFC Wimbledon v Bury at 3-0 on 30 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Sheffield United v Shrewsbury Town at 2-0 on 26 min {wishful thinking?} – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Alloa Athletic’s player-boss Jim Goodwin led by example at the weekend, notching up the revered own goal/red card double whammy.

Southampton 0-0 Liverpool and two shots on target in 90 mins. That’s why the Premiership is the best league in the world, say all those apart from the 31,848 attendees and those foolish viewers who fund Murdoch’s totalitarian regime .

You’d have thought the FA Cup would be sweet relief to Bury after their plummet down the league table. Bury were second in September, before captain and centre back Nathan Cameron’s season-ending injury. Twelve win-less games later, and facing AFC Wimbledon mid-week, they’re gubbed 5-0 and boss David Flitcroft became an ex-boss. There was a chance for quick revenge as they faced the Dons on Saturday amid calls to ‘win this for the former gaffer’. Final score? AFC Wimbledon 5 Bury 1. Oops.

This week’s sponsors are the Aspect Group, who back Concord Rangers of the National League South. The company specialise in asbestos removal (where it’s actually removed to no-one knows, Stoke-on-Trent, maybe) just don’t ask why so many fans in the away end start coughing 60 minutes into a game, must be all that sea air coming in from Canvey Island

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


NineBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest) x2
Chris Whelpdale (AFC Wimbledon)
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
FiveDarren Bent (Derby County)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)

Arsenal
OneJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers)


SevenChe Adams (Birmingham City)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)
Steve Davies (Rochdale) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR – IF SURPRISING – WIN FOR BARNEY!

Season 4 Game 20 (11-14 November)

THE ‘Drive with The Revenant and the White Queen’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ryan Gosling (36), Leonardo DiCaprio (42?!) and Anne Hathaway (34; not the one born c1555).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
[a reverse from last week in that I’m sure there was one suggested here]
Chris: [nothing submitted]
Howard: ‘{Liam} Mandeville is feeling all Stoke-d’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Is deeply concerned with who will replace the lovely Desmond Carrington on The Music Goes Round. It hopes someone of a similar age, such as Brian Matthew will be entrusted with the job rather than an inexperienced type like Ken Bruce. With this on its mind, it was no real surprise that Solihull Moors’ [Akwasi] Asante broke the curse and scored, though Colchester United’s [Chris] Porter didn’t and neither did Livingstone’s [Liam] Buchanan, though the latter had the flimsy excuse that Livi weren’t playing at the weekend.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Tranmere Rovers’ Micky Mellon dropped down two divisions to return to his footballing home, no doubt he’ll have been wishing he was back at Shrewsbury Town (possibly) after the Prenton Park outfit converted a half-time home 2-0 lead against Chester into a 2-2 draw at the final whistle.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
We know there are other players with double-barreled names out there, but once again it’s the Keanu Marsh-Brown (Forest Green) and Jay Emmanuel-Thomas show here. Which will probably get them into the Cambridge Footlights revue and at least one moderately-received series on BBC-4 sharpish.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Well, this is rather tenuous, but Jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie’s favoured bass player was Sam Jones, who also scored twice at the weekend for Gateshead. A fine effort given the musician has been dead for 35 years.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
This is almost too good. Highland League leaders Brora Rangers 8 (that’s E-I-G-H-T), bottom club Fort William 0. Case closed, m’lud.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– didn’t call one – FAILED!
Howard
– called Millwall v Bristol Rovers, called at 3-0 on 58 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– didn’t call one – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Bobby-Joe Taylor of Maidstone United. Sounds like a Lad-Mag mainstay, but is in fact ‘The Stones’ (innovative nickname that) leading goalscorer to date.

Miscellany

A veritable wave of ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’s’ at the Portsmouth v Mansfield Town game, and all for the away team too. On-loan West Bromwich Albion full-back Kyle Howkins celebrated his Stags debut with a red card on 57 mins for a second bookable. Mansfield boss Adam Murray re-jigged the team, bringing on Alex Iacovitti on the hour to slot in at his familiar left-back role. Sadly, Iacovitti himself went less than 15 minutes later for a so-late-you-could-have measured-it-on-a-sundial tackle. Mansfield subsequently shipped three goals in the last 15 minutes, losing 4-0 and Murray resigned midweek after 14 years and four jobs at the club.

This week’s sponsors: Bolton Wanderers won many plaudits for turning down a deal with the usurers QuickQuid and dropping 188.com when it was revealed the spread-betting firm was offering odds on Bolton’s Under-18 games. However, that was before Bolton’s financial crisis, so when widely-panned online gambling site spinandwin.com came up with the readies, the Trotters ran to the trough.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeLeon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Nile Ranger (Southend United) x2


FourKyle Vassell (Blackpool) x2
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

charlton02
OneLeon Clarke (Sheffield United)

Arsenal
ThreeJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2


TwoBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR YOUNG BARNEY AND THE POSH!

Season 4 Game 19 (4-7 November)

THE ‘Saga Continues for Gwen Tracy on Eggheads’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of P Diddy (surely time to ditch the silly name at 46, Sean?), Emma Stone (28) and former Egghead, CJ de Mooi (48).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Charlton’s {Ademola} Lookman eyes up second round’
Chris: *Absent*
Howard: [Sure I had one here, but nothing exists in the Barney archive. I think it was deported by Donald Trump.]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes Mr Trump will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood Town’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln City’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Crawley Town’s Andre Blackman had a lot to say against Bristol Rovers, so much so he was booked for foul and abusive language and subsequently red carded for dissent. A reality show with him and Ross Flitney (see below) could see Channel 4, beat it’s own swearing record.

Pagga!Pagga!
This category has enjoyed a decent run recently but it’s drawn a blank today. It might have to fight itself, like the winos outside Bargain Booze.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Colchester United’s Tarique Fosu-Henry has been here before so we’ll go with the superbly named Duane Ofori-Acheampong at Dartford instead. Clearly named after a gas cloud in the Surrey town…. A Cheam Pong – see what I’ve done there. [EDIT: Barney wrote this. I feel he should get the full kicking. er credit, he deserves here]

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Accrington Stanley’s Romauld Boco appears in another category, having racked up the requisite 10 clubs in his career, including Accrington (not once, not twice, but thrice), Sligo Rovers (Twice) and of course, FC Bharat of India.Here he is (above) looking cross-eyed, shortly after saying he was delighted to be back at Accrington….

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney – called Bournemouth v Sunderland at 1-0 on 21 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard – called Shrewsbury Town v  Barnet at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Braintree Town v Eastbourne Borough at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 7-0 – SUCCESSFULLY GUBBED (A Wham, in fact)!!

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes the new President will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Old SchoolOld School
Gillingham’s Frank Nouble scored twice against Brackley Town to save them from an embarrassing defeat against lower league opposition. [EDIT: as a late zinger entry – “it’s a Nouble effort from Frank”. What do you mean, “No” ?]

Miscellany

Drama(rama) in the first round ofthe FA Cup tie between Whitehawk and Stourbridge (bet they were thrilled to be drawn against each other rather than a glamourous home tie v Rochdale). Local Boy Javier Fevarel hit a screamer (“left foot…CRACK!” ?) for the home team around two seconds after referee blows the final whistle. Consternation ensues, interrupted only by referee dishing out a straight red to Whitehawk’s veteran goalie Ross Flitney for an exquisite outburst of foul language that you usually only get from one of Barney’s favourite unpleasant comedians. Or Wayne Rooney, who is probably funnier.

As is always the case in the first round of the FA Cup, there were some heartening tales of plucky part-timers getting gubbed (Merstham 0-5 Oxford United) and Mullahed (Northampton Town 6-0 Harrow Borough) in true Darwinesque fashion, plus Chris’ choice for the Stealth Gub – Braintree Town, who as you’ve already read, whammed Eastbourne Borough, 7-0.

[EDIT Alas, Braintree’s impressive efforts count for naught as we are directed to the far North of Scotland, where Rothes 0-9 Wick Academy is a full-time score, it’s a dry Wyngarde in deepest Morayshire and that’s got to sting a bit.]

This week’s sponsor is not an actual sponsor as such, as whilst an anonymous donor is paying for Save The Children to be emblazoned on the front of Heart Of Midlothian’s home shirts, the Jam Tarts (no really) don’t appear to have an away shirt backer. This is because their away shirts for the 2016/17 are bloody awful. Supporting evidence below:

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixConnor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Glenn Whelan (Stoke City)
Hallam Hope (Bury) x2
Marnick Vermijl (Preston North End)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


FourBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
SevenDarren Bent (Derby County)
Frank Nouble (Gillingham) x2
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
ThreeRoarie Deacon (Sutton United) x2
Steve Sidwell (Brighton and Hove Albion)


Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Ched Evans (Chesterfield)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Ryan Flynn (Oldham Athletic)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley) o.g.

OVERALL RESULT: BLADES AGAIN! DOING ALMOST AS WELL AS IN REAL LIFE!

Season 4 Game 18 (28-31 Oct)

THE ‘I’m Still Here, at my Best Friend’s Wedding, in The Tardis’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Joaquin [formerly ‘Leaf’] Phoenix (42), Julia Roberts (49) and Matt Smith (34).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
{David} ‘Gold sets the standard for Arbroath’
Chris: {Darren} ‘Potter works his magic for MK Dons’
Howard: ‘MK Dons’ Potter wheels away in delight’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was very pleased to receive through the letterbox a copy of ‘Big Hearted Arthur’ they’d sent off for, not trusting this electronic mail nonsense.  The Dread Hand’s grotto was soon alive with the sound of ‘What A Nice Lot Of Nazis They Are’ [Yes, it’s a real song – click the green text for a link to prove it] amongst others, and it could be this joie de vivre which meant Alex Jones at Port Vale, Brad Potts at Blackpool and Louis Moult at Motherwell all blanked..

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
It’s a repeat appearance for Motherwell’s Lionel Ainsworth, late of Rotherham United and Aldershot before linking up with the Steelmen. Second time around too for Barnsley’s Marley Watkins: Cheltenham Town – Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Barnsley. More on the Tykes winger below…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Ipswich Town’s players narrowly avoided such a fate from Mick McCarthy with a very late equaliser against Rotherham United, but no such good fortune awaited their good friends at Norwich City, where Alex Neil would’ve had the sulphur boiling nicely away in the visiting dressing room after their 5-0 gubbing by Brighton & Hove Albion.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Decided by the early kickoff, Barrow 4-0 Eastleigh. Eastleigh fans have lots to discuss on the return end of that 602 miles, 10 hour round trip. Or time to get boozed-up on the train(s) back…

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Barnsley’s Marley Watkins has previous in this category [EDIT: No; was only used as a zinger – “Marley ghosted in”] and anyway was comfortably overtaken by Newport’s fullback Jazzi Barnum-Bobb’s maiden goal for the Rodney Parade outfit. Work hard at school kids, get 11 GCSE passes and you too can be slogging it out for the league’s 90th ranked club oh never mind at least I tried [EDIT: But, it’s a well paid job, even at the bottom end of the professional leagues!]

Bendtner!Bendtner!
I’m afraid we will be disagreeing on this category – SINCE IT’S ALL ABOUT STRIKERS! – Barney writes: ‘We appear to have decreed a BENDTNER! Is 1 every 10 games for a striker and 1 per season for any other position. Derby’s Cyrus Christie may qualify here, scoring his 4th goal in 190 appearances.’ [But this is all about strikers. Strikers who don’t strike – HENCE THE NAME BENDTNER! DEFENDERS ARE NOT EXPECTED TO SCORE SO WHY. WHY WHY?!?!?]. At this point, my head exploded, with my last words thought to be “Marouane Chamakh?”

Stealth Gub
Barney
– called Scunthorpe United v Swindon Town, at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Fulham v Huddersfield Town at 3-0 on 42 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!!
Chris
– called Bolton Wanderers v Port Vale, called at 2-0 on 11 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

You can always rely on extreme results in either the Scottish lower leagues or the Welsh domestic leagues. So we shouldn’t be that surprised that the replay needed after last week’s ‘energetic’ Banks O’Dee vs Formartine United game ended up 7-2 to Formartine. We also saw an exceptionally rare event, the ‘One-Man Gub’, enacted by Buckie Thistle’s John McLeod, who netted five times in their 6-2 good seeing to over Gretna 2008.

This week’s shirt sponsor is Alan Storrar Cars, who have took over as principal shirt sponsors of St Johnstone for this season and next. We are assured the new sponsors are ‘Perthshire’s leading independent used car dealership’ [is there much competition for this title?]

One hopes the quality of the cars they proffer is rather better than the logo on the Saintees shirts, looks like it’s been ironed on:
(And the full story is here: LINK)

Also worth pointing out last year’s sponsors were called InvestInPerth. And no-one did, which is why they didn’t take up 2016 sponsorship option.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixDarren Potter (Milton Keynes Dons)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Gary Gardner (Aston Villa)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


NineCharlie Lee (Stevenage)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool) x2
Lawrie Wilson (Bolton Wanderers)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Shaun Batt (Barnet)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
TwoAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Lawrie Wilson (Bolton Wanderers)

Arsenal
OneRhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)


TwoKevin McDonald (Fulham)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)

OVERALL RESULT: AIN’T NO DOUBT ON THIS ONE (TO QUOTE JIMMY NAIL) – BARNEY & THE POSH!

Season 4 Game 17 (21-24 Oct)

THE ‘keeping Up With The Tall Man in the Deadpool’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Golblum (63), Kim Kardashian (36) and Ryan Reynolds (39).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘East Kilbride’s Gibbons gets sent off, goes ape’ [after the defender’s red card for violent conduct].
Chris: ‘It’s good-night from Joe Day’ [following the Newport County keeper’s dismissal v Plymouth Argyle].
Howard: ‘”What’cha talkin’ about Willis?”’ After Stenhousemuir’s Willis Furtado gets a second yellow for Foul and Abusive Language. [EDIT: I don’t remember suggesting this one!]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Found the recent reruns of Time Team series 1 to be fascinating, though it wishes young Mick Harding would get a haircut. Our semi-supernatural acquaintance managed to stall the goalscoring runs of Preston North End’s Hughill and Dundee United’s Toni Andreu, alas, Barrow’s Byron Harrison’s goal against Woking prevented a clean sweep.

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Has produced nothing this week. Maybe because of the Southern Rail strike. Is keeping a watchful eye on Sunderland and Fort William though.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
It’s a blank. Not even a drink-drive offence. Football players, sort it out. Dover Athletic’s Ricky Miller was the closest, having been found not guilty of aggravated assault. Let’s hope he didn’t use the same legal chicanery as Ched Evans’ lawyers…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Shrewsbury Town’s Ivan Toney was a teenage star at Northampton Town before joining Newcastle United for an ‘undisclosed fee’ a couple of years back. He’s thrived there, which is why he’s made zero starts for Ashley Inc. and is on loan at League One’s bottom club, where he scored both Shrews goals against the Cobblers in a 2-4 reverse. Mind you, it could be worse, he could be working at Sports Direct…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Forest Green Rovers (2nd in National League) 3 Guiseley (Last) 0. And the Nailsworth outfit hit the post twice.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Huntly v Spartans [NOTE: not the amateur side from The Arsenal StadiumMystery] called at 0-2 on 25 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Blackpool v Doncaster Rovers at 4-1 on 50 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Dover Athletic v Braintree Town at 4-1 on 41 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUBBED!!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Torquay United 0-0 Aldershot Town. Five shots on target. That sounds good to these ears and this category. [NOTE: Torquay’s own website described the first half as “lively” !]

Miscellany

Quite a bit to cover (ie. a lot of waffle!)

Couldn’t help but notice Solihull Moors’ Damson Park ground is now known as The Automated Technology Group Stadium. Accusations the team played like robots may be closer to the truth than usual.

A HIH ‘chapeau’ to the aforementioned Ricky Miller, who indulged in a one man ‘good seeing to’ against Braintree Town [this made it 15 goals in 15 appearances in all competitions this season].

Because The Cavendish actually put the sound on, we were blessed with hearing a 60p from Chesterfield’s Proact stadium, which was built all those years ago in 2009. We also got a vintage Merson-vous-anglais, where Leicester City’s Algerian target man (Islam Slimani) was described as “Isam Salami” by Mr Merson to the amusement of his fellow panellists.

Fun and games in the Scottish cup qualifiers, can you guess what happened in this game?

30:37, GOAL!!! Derek Young (Formartine United)

31:09 Kane Winton (Banks O’Dee) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

31:44 Derek Young (Formartine United) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

A PAGGA!, in the home of PAGGAs.

A PAGGA! Is rarely bettered, but Preston Athletic’s efforts against Montrose are worthy of least an honourable mention:

Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose.

91’ Jack Jardine (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for a dangerous tackle.

92’ Gavin Stephenson (Preston Athletic) is shown a second yellow card for foul and abusive language

92’ FT Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose

Danny O’Rourke (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for foul and abusive language.

We’re in rarified air for this week’s sponsor, as it is Premier League club Hull City (won’t be saying that next year, according to Barney) and their 3 year deal with SportPesa which, as I’m sure you all know, is a sports betting company based in Kenya. Yes, Kenya. Not quite the most economically stable of countries, but Hull’s commercial department were clearly swayed by the company’s assurances that business was ‘doing pretty good’ and they ‘employed many people’ (from Financial Times-click here for link) So that’s just fine, nothing to worry about there.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
OneGrant Holt (Hibernian)


EightDanny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall) x2
Gabriel Zakuani (Northampton Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
ThreeAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Matt Fry (York City)

Arsenal
TwoAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)


10Alex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
Andy Taylor (Blackpool, o.g.)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)-counting double against old club
Chris Porter (Colchester United) x2
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: THE LUFF JUGGERNAUT ROLLS ON. ANOTHER WIN!

Season 4 Game 16 (Midweek Madness Bare Bones Edition 18-19 Oct)

THE ‘Dumbledore’s a Bad Neighbour on South Park’ (Or the ‘Whaddya mean there’s 47 clubs playing?’) HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of midweek birthdays for Michael Gambon (76), Zac Efron (29) and Trey Parker (47)

THE CATEGORIES

There are none as El Barno failed to realise there were 40+ qualifying teams playing midweek so he didn’t select the categories before the games began. The picture below is Barney’s Punishment:


Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson!

Miscellany

As blank as Blankety

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoJacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)


TwoDwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)

charlton02
FourFranck Moussa (Walsall)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
NilLike the number of categories – zero


FourAlex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)

OVERALL RESULT: HONOURS SHARED BETWEEN UNITED AND CHARLTON!

Season 4 Game 15 (14-17 Oct)

THE James Bond’s Big Brother will beat Klitschko’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sir Roger Moore (89), Davina McCall (49) and Anthony Joshua (27).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Yann}Songo’o s goal is music to Plymouth Argyle’s ears’
Chris: ‘Cheltenham’s {Billy} Waters floods Crawley’s leaky defence’
Howard: ‘Millwall’s {Calum} Butcher cuts through to score’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was very pleased to find a handsome selection of anti-macassars at John Lewis’, having received naught but perplexed expressions from the proprietors of Furniture Warehouse down the road. So our netherworld colleague was in good form and wasn’t too disaffected when Romelu Lukaku defied its curse, as neither Plymouth Argyle’s Graham Carey or Walsall’s Simeon (“Cinnamon”) Jackson netted.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
After last week’s excitement, it’s unsurprising that we didn’t note any player scoring at both ends over the weekend.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Barnet 1-1 Exeter City at half-time, Barnet 1-4 Exeter City at full-time. Despite Barnet’s manager Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen taking full responsibility for the loss, it’s still a 1-4 reverse against a team in the bottom four of Division Two. So we’ll throw in a ‘Fresh Hell’ in there too.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Queen’s Park Rangers‘ Pavel Wszolak goal can’t be ignored as his surname is clearly an unlucky, though potentially valuable hand in Scrabble. However, he’s at QPR, who are in the top two divisions, so we’ll go with Benin international midfielder Romuald Boco, now in his third spell at Accrington Stanley after a long and er.. after a long career.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Sheffield United’s Ethan Ebanks-Landell scored at the weekend, shortly before issuing a loud ‘huzzah’ to the headteacher and a backhander to the first-year bursary boy for being a bursary boy. Know your place and all that [if that still applies in the 21st century, Barney!]

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Bolton Wanderers v Oldham Athletic was a solid shout, more so than the ‘Docklands Derby’ of Plymouth Argyle v Portsmouth, but Mr Smith pointed out Bury v Rochdale – just 7 miles between the two teams and has never been called ‘The 468 derby’. Until now.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Newcastle United v Brentford at 2-0 at 16 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Queen Of The South v Greenock Morton at 0-3 on 44 min – Finished: 0-5 – SUCCESSFUL GUB!
Chris
– called Sheffield United v Port Vale at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A round of applause to Queen Of The South, who were unbeaten all season, conceding just four goals in the process. This excellent start counted for zilch on Saturday, as Morton gubbed the Doonhamers 5-0.

We were also privy to a unanimously agreed ‘BENDTNER’ as Walsall’s striker Amadou Bakayoko scored his debut goal for Walsall in his 22nd game for the Saddlers.

This week’s shirt sponsor is County Insurance, who have their name on Southport’s shirts for the 2016/17 season, here’s the PR blurb:

‘The County Group are long standings friends and supporters of Southport FC, having previously sponsored the club’s floodlights and worked closely with the Trust in Yellow supporters group to help fund the fantastic new stadium floodlights.
The company provide personal insurance, business insurance and also provide mortgages & life insurance’

They may also insure floodlights.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United)


EightDwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
Four Jack Munns (Cheltenham Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Simon Makienok (Preston North End on loan from Palermo)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet!


FourChristian Nade (Stranraer)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: NEVER IN DOUBT – BARNEY WINS THIS WEEK!

Charlton Athletic