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Gameweek VI – Patronising Notts County and annoying Scousers

A rather subdued affair for the second round of the Nothing Cup (and the Nothing Cup in Scotland), enlivened by Barney annoying scousers who were wildly celebrating beating a team in extra time who were two divisions below them.

Categories

Not included tonight, but we did have the return of the Menu. This involves seeing the high squad numbers put out by the Arsenal in a meaningless game. This is usually better in the Nothing Cup, but that will have to wait a round or so…anyway, the squad equated to:

  • (1) Mini Burger Platter
  • (3) Nachos
  • (4) Mushrooms in Mayo Dip
  • (17) All Day Roast
  • (25) Black & Blue Burger
  • (10) 50 Chicken Wings
  • (14) Pasta Alfredo (subbed by Extra Burger, 74min)
  • (16) All Day Breakfast
  • (19) Bacon, Mushroom and Blue Cheese Salad
  • (9) 30 Chicken Wings (subbed by Southern Fried Chicken, 47min)
  • (12) Jumbo Crispy Chicken (subbed by Pasta Pomodoro, 60min)

Miscellany

Doctor Who scored for Leeds United, guiding it in past Anthony Ainley in the…er…well, no, not really. I guess there must be plenty of Matt Smiths knocking around…

Gaston Ramirez of Southampton (definite candidate for Local Boy Makes Good) was born in Fray Bentos. Isnt that the home of spam??

Adam Coombes of Notts County changed his name officially from Adam Philip to his mother’s maiden name. Bizarre.

The Results

ArsenalThreeKyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Luke Ayling (Yeovil Town)
=3

BladesTwoKyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)

PoshSevenSaido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion) x 3, Scott Wootton (Leeds United), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town), Elliott Ward (Bournemouth, o.g.), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)

OwlsSixKenwyne Jones (Stoke City) x3, Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Connor Wickham (Sunderland), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)

ValiantsTwoScott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)

Result: A narrow win for Barney’s Posh side, narrowly beating Chris’s Owls (coming back into form just at the right time, it seems!)

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Gameweek V (5) Gubbins

“The Nightmare Before Ron Weasley H.I.H. League”

Both actor Rupert Grint (25) and occasionally-brilliant director Tim Burton (55!!) celebrated a birthday over this weekend, hence the rather strange name.

The Categories

Pagga!Pagga!
FAILED

Vera LynnWe’ll Meet Again
FAILED

NielsenDon’t Call Me Shirley!
Emmanuel Giacchereni (Sunderland)

Glenn & Chris Diamond Lights
Paul Quinn (East Stirlingshire / Teenage Fanclub’s Drummer), Adam Clayton (Huddersfield Town / U2 Bassist and occasional Drummer)….and headlining this category, Chris Martin (Derby County and Coldplay Singer/Guitarist). Also on the musical theme, there was a C Sharp who scored for
Hereford United. Chris, should you be wondering…

BeaverFighting Like Beavers
AFC Wimbledon, looking out for the count  0-2 down to Scunthorpe United, fetched it around to 3-2, but this was eclipsed by Dunfermline’s incredible comeback. After being 3-0 down to Stenhousemuir, the Pars fought back to 3-2. Sean Higgins’ 72nd minute goal seemed to seal it for the home side, but Dunfermline came back again, scoring 3 goals in the 85th, 88th and 90th(+1 ET). Unbelievable, Jeff!

GubbaThe Stealth Gub
Howard: Blackburn Rovers 4-1 up v Barnsley. Finished 5-2.  Verdict: FAILED
Neil: Tranmere Rovers 0-3 v Peterborough United. Finished 0-5. Verdict: GUB ACHIEVED

EngagedHe-Shi*s-Goals
Brett Pitman (Bournemouth): FAILED
Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient): FAILED
Britt Assombalonga (Peterborough United): SCORED!

Candidates for next week –
Nahki Wells (Bradford City) – 6
Gary Roberts (Chesterfield) – 5
James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town) – 6
Ross McCormack (Leeds United) – 4
David Mooney (Leyton Orient) – 4
Simon Church (Charlton Athletic) – 4

Quote of the Week: “Kevin Lisbie, Barry Hearn, Zanussi, you boys took a hell of a beating!” (N G Bell)

Miscellany

  • One of Tranmere Rovers striker Ryan Lowe’s middle names is…..wait for it…Ulysees. No, really. I mean, what was wrong with Bosko?
  • In adding “Fulham” to my User Dictionary, it came up with the alternative suggestion “shameful”. Harsh?

The Results

Arsenal FivePhilip Roberts x3 (Falkirk). Die. Die. Die. Marouane Chamakh !!!!!!!!! (Crystal Palace) and Abu Ogogo (Dagenham & Redbridge)

Blades SevenScott Boden (Macclesfield Town), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Jordan Chapelle x2 (Torquay United), Billy Clarke (Crawley Town), Andy Parkinson (Prestatyn Town) and Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest)

Valiants SixDarren Bent (Fulham), David “Did he bare his ar*e. when he scored…etc….” Mooney (Leyton Orient), Luke Varney (Leeds United), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Leon Clarke (Coventry) and ), Chris Iwelumo (Scunthorpe United)

Owls FiveLuke Varney (Leeds United), Richie Partridge (Airbus UK), Grant Holt (WiganAthletic), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) and David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)

PoshFive Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Andy Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Jeff Hughes, (Fleetwood Town), Adam Clayton (Huddersfield Town) and Liam Hatch (Gateshead)

OVERALL RESULT: A narrow win for Luffy’s Blades, in the face of stiff competition…

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The Seasonally-Adjusted Gameweek IV

The “We Could’ve Done All This At Home HIH League”

Referring of course to the gimmick of PickTV having Saturday’s Premiership games on  Freeview

The Categories

BILL1Known To The Authorities
Lee Hughes of Port Vale (Death By Dangerous Driving, Common Assault), Troy Deeney of Watford (Affray)

LOCALBLocal Boy Makes Good
Marco Fabiani (Watford)

HELL2Fresh Hell
Mick McCarthy after QPR’s last-minute winner

esp2Beehive To Wiggy
Re: Nahki Wells – “that’s 3 in 3” (traditional arrangement: H Quick). Interesting-ish fact about Nahki Wells – his first club at senior level – Dandy Town Hornets. Thought also to have been the other name considered for the rebranded Hull City.

DLDiamond Lights
FAILED! (“It’s going DOWN the chart…”)

Miscellany

EngagedHe Shi*s Goals –
Lee Frecklington  of Peterborough United (FAILED!), Will Grigg of Brentford (FAILED!), but saved by role-model Troy Deeney of Watford.

Candidates for next week –
James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town) – 4 in 4
Troy Deeney (Watford) – 3 in 4
McKay (Inverness Caledonian Thistle) – 3 in 4
Clarke (Coventry City) – 3 in 3
Richards (Chesterfield) – 3 in 3
Patrick Agyemang (Portsmouth) – 3 in 3
Franck Moussa (Coventry) – 3 in 3

QMr Adjudicator
Called in to assess Franck Moussa’s eligibility as a point-scorer in the HIH League. Result: DENIED!

Quote of the Day:
“I’m going to get as drunk as the referee [at The Emirates]” – H. Quick. Well, it was bloody Aston Villa….and at home…

The Scores On The Doors

ArsenalSixPhilip Roberts (Falkirk), Goalscoring behemoth Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest), Robin Bloody van Persie x2 (Manchester United) and Football’s £25m benchwarmer, Samir Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesSixAndy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Jordan Chappell (Torquay United), Keith Treacy (Burnley), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Darren Byfield (Tamworth) and James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town)

OwlsSix Leon Clarke x2 (Coventry City), Chris O’Grady x2 (Barnsley), Ross Barkley (Everton) and
Lee Grant (Derby County)

PoshFiveRene Howe (Burton Albion), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Andy Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Ben Wright (Salisbury City) and Jeff Hughes (Fleetwood Town)

And introducing….

A late entrant, rather like the U.S. of A. into a World War….CHARLTON ATHLETIC!

Valiants FourAndy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) and “the man with Fridge” Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient)

We also say a big hello to two new categories – “DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY” and “FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS“.  For further explanation see the Categories page…

OVERALL RESULT: Seasonally-adjusted figures show a three-way tie between Arsenal, Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday. But it could have been oh so much worse…

“COMING SOON”

Vera Lynn
WE’LL MEET AGAIN
It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DONT MEAN NUTHIN
Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD
Pagga!
PAGGA!
Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?
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Gameweek III – When Shall We Three Meet Again….

Thunder and lightning.
Enter three WITCHES.

First Witch
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch
When the hurlyburly’s done,
When the battle’s lost and won.

(MACBETH ACT I SCENE I)

There’s yer actual kulcher…or was that him who married Demi Moore for a while…

Anyway, we convened the three c*nts for the first time this season, and here are the results of the Danish Jury…

THE “I DIDN’T KNOW NOTTS COUNTY WERE IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP” HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

THE CATEGORIES

MERSEMERSONVOUSANGLAIS: FAILED

brightonDAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON: FAILED

ALF2WHERE’S ALF-INGE? – Wolves 4 Gillingham 0 (141 miles in a straight line)

60PLIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX: Tranmere Rovers v Crawley

WC1REVERSE CHURCHILL: Motherwell 1 up after a minute who went to the interval still leading. Cue the inspiring team-talk…and down 3-1 (Close was Eddie Howe – Bournemouth, who were drawing 1-all and went down 6-1. Worthy of a mention.)

MISCELLANY:

Josh Brizzell (Hyde) – sent off twice in 3 games. Also Docherty at Livingston – sent off in successive games.

EngagedIn keeping with our new radio-friendly approach, the sub-category HE-SH*TS-GOALS now features a strategically-placed asterisk. But we know it is hiding an “i”….

Candidates for next week:

  • James Vaughan (Huddersfield Town – 3 in 2)
  • Troy Deeney (Watford, ditto)
  • David Ball (Fleetwood Town – ditto)
  • Will Grigg (Brentford – 2 in 2)

ArsenalthreeRobin bloody van Persie x2 (Manchester United) – football’s “Mr Loyalty”, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

Sheffield_United_FCfourMark Yeates (Bradford City), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Nick Blackman (Reading)
Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest)

OwlsthreeRyan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Mark Reynolds (Aberdeen)

PoshtwoDavid Ball x2 (Fleetwood Town)

RECENT ENTRY CHARLTON – CURRENTLY BEING COUNTED – BARNEY, PLEASE ELUCIDATE!

RESULT

A clear win for Luffy’s Blades despite a late flourish from Arsenal and The Owls.

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Gameweek II – The Cup Of Doom

Welcome, watchers of illusion, to the pages of confusion…or, the First Round of the Capital One (LEAGUE!) Cup

ArsenalFourKyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Chuks Aneke (Crewe Alexandra), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers),
Jordan Wynter (Bristol City)

PoshFiveDanny Crow x 2 (Brighton & Hove Albion), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Sean St Ledger (Leicester City), David Ball (Fleetwood Town)

OwlsTwoRichard Hinds (Bury), Enoch Showumni (Notts County)

Sheffield_United_FCfiveKyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Michael Brown (Leeds United), Dominic Poleon (Leeds United)

Again, as at the weekend, there was only one of us around for this, so it didnt get the full treatment. Expect normal service next week!

OVERALL RESULT:- A DRAW BETWEEN BARNEY’S POSH AND LUFFY’S BLADES!

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Gameweek I – Underwhelming Debut

Something of a whimper than a bang for this first two rounds of this year’s contest.

The results are as follows:

ArsenalFourAnthony Stokes x 2 (Celtic), Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) and Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

Owls ThreeGrant Holt (Wigan Athletic), Leon Best (Blackburn Rovers) and Rory McArdle (Bradford City)

Posh FourLee Frecklington x2 (Rotherham United), Alfie Potter (Oxford United) x2

Sheffield_United_FCthreeAnthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Danny Webber (Accrington Stanley)

NEW ENTRY CHARLTON – STILL BEING RECOUNTED – BARNEY PLEASE DO THE HONOURS….

In the absence of any pre-selected categories, we have:
HandcuffsKNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES – featuring Troy Deeney (Affray)

Unpleasant Local DerbyUNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY – Preston North End v Blackpool (17miles)

GubbaTHE GUB SCALE:  No Gubs in the UK leagues, though Wigan did give Barnsley a Damn Good Seeing-to, ditto Orient to Carlisle, Brora to Clachnacuddin and Inverurie Locos to Strathspey Thistle.

However, in the Scottish League Cup, Raith Rovers did us proud, mullah-ing Queen’s Park. Cowdenbeath also duly gubbed Berwick, and Morton gave East Fife a Damn Good Seeing-to.

OVERALL RESULT: A Joint win for my Arsenal side and Barney’s Peterborough United. Curses!