Gameweek X (Ten)

THE “OUR KID GETS LOST IN TRANSLATION” HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

(By way of explanation – Liam Gallagher, would you believe, is 41, and Bill Murray is 62 this  weekend)

The Categories

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

FAILED!

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Keanu Marsh-Brown (Single-handedly saving this category…where are you when we need you Brian Barry-Murphy??)

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

“Morgan Shenderling” (Schneiderlin) and “Raheem Sterland” (Stirling; clearly believing he was Mel’s son…)

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

FAILED!

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Barnsley 1-5 Watford.
A good seeing-to for Barnsley from promotion-favourites Watford…

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Louis Moult (Nuneaton) – Yes!
Britt Assombalonga – Yes!
Roberts – Chesterfield – No!

But as Meatloaf may have said, “two out of three ain’t bad”

Zinger
ZINGER

Zinger: Andrew Whing‘s been red-carded at the Kassam – Surely a Whing-Ding there?
(c)  Jeff “Wiggy” Stelling 2013

Miscellany

New Category “An Evening With Paul Robinson” was made an official category (see Categories page for an explanation).

Nothing much for this week, though it is worth mentioning the following:

Danny Forde of GAP Connah’s Quay managed the difficult trick of doing a Brighton in the 3-3 draw at Aberystwyth.

A Wham for Rothes in the Highland League, who lost SEVEN NIL AT HOME to the mighty Wick Academy.

Jesse Lingard (on loan from Man United) gave hapless Sheffield Wednesday a one-man-good-seeing-to.

The Results:

Arsenalfour
Abu Agogo (Dagenham & Redbridge), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Samir ‘Git’ Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesSix
Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), John Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Jordan Chapell (Torquay United), Nick Blackman (Reading), Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)

AddicksFive
Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Paul Konchesky (Leicester City), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), David Mooney (Leyton Orient)

OwlsFour
Ritchie Humphreys (Chesterfield), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Etienne Esajas (Scunthorpe United), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town)

PoshFour
Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Ben Wright (Salisbury City), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient)

OVERALL RESULT: A narrow win for Luffy’s Blades. Sorry Steve!

Gameweek IX (13th-16th Sept)

THE “TAKE ON CRAB” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE!

So named due to the birthdays of Morten Harket (53) and Ray ‘first man ever to be sent off for England’ Wilkins (57)

The Categories

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON –

FAILED!

 

Moyes
FRESH HELL –

FAILED!

 

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

PRESTON NORTH END 3 – 0 STEVENAGE
This story began in July 2012, when Preston manager Graham Westley texted 8 first-team players telling them not to turn up to training as he expected them to be gone before the start of the season. Already, Westley had released 14 players and transfer-listed 7 more. “I’ve had to tread carefully around some of the most mediocre standards I’ve ever seen in my life”, Westley said at the time. “Aahhhhhhhh, you lost!”, said the Preston players to their now ex-manager. Probably.

Handcuffs
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES –

FAILED!

 

(Though it may be renamed the Gary Madine Award for Good Citizenship, in light of recent events)

Vera Lynn
WE’LL MEET AGAIN-

FAILED!

 

Unpleasant Local Derby
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Huddersfield Town v Derby County was suggested, but we were forgetting one of the classic ULDs in Burnley v Blackburn Rovers. A thrilling 1-all draw.

The Results

Arsenal
Five
Abu Ogogo (Dagenham & Redbridge), Steve Sidwell (Fulham), Jeffrey Monakana (Colchester United), Robin van Bloody Persie (Manchester United) and Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

Blades
Three
Dave Kitson (Oxford United), Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest)

Addicks
OneOne
Chris Iwelumo (Scunthorpe United), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), David Mooney x 2 (Leyton Orient), Kevin Lisbie  (Leyton Orient), Tom Soares (Bury), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Luke Varney (Leeds United), Martyn Waghorn (Millwall), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)

 Owls
Eight

Martin Taylor (Brentford), Luke Varney (Leeds United), Chris O’Grady (Barnsley), David McGoldrick x2 (Ipswich Town), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Tom Soares (Bury), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)

Posh
Three

Scott Rendell (Woking), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Lee Clarke (Welling United)

Miscellany

Tom Naylor had possibly the worst day at work ever. The Derby County loanee scored not one but TWO own goals and conceded a penalty that turned out to be the winning goal as Newport County went down 3-2 at home to Morecambe. May be making the journey back as we speak.

Extensive research reveals Yoan Gouffran to be allergic to certain species of tree! Well, that’s what he told Newcastle’s official website anyway…

OVERALL RESULT: Well, I asked and I got. A massive win for Mat & Emma’s Charlton!

Gameweek VIII – And now from Newquay, it’s the Quiz of the Week…

Cue the cheap-tack Anglia TV logo and Nicholas Parsons….

The Categories

TelepathyBEEHIVE TO WIGGY
FAILED!

Pagga!PAGGA!
FAILED!

Tribal ChiefsLOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
Osayaman Osawe (Southport), Max Kretzschmar (Wycombe Wanderers)

HaalandWHERE’S ALF INGE?
Fleetwood Town 4 – 1 Torquay (302 miles, says the Distance Calculator)

Red CardMAKE YA MA PROUD
Robbie Threlfall of Morecambe Town who came on for his club debut at half-time and lasted just SEVEN minutes before a straight red for Serious Foul Play.
GubbaSTEALTH GUB
Welling United v Kidderminster – called at 0-2 – FAILED! Final score 1-3
But – there was a true Stealth Gub, as Newton got battered 6-1 by Airbus UK. The Wingmakers did an expert job of sneaking under the radar, only leading by the odd goal at half-time…

There were a couple of unnoticed mullah-ings, with Brora and Brazil both beating their opponents 6-0 (Lossiemouth and Australia, respectively). Of course, these all pale into insignificance beside the Ballinamallard result

So – At last……..

The Results

OwlsNil*NOBODY!*

ArsenalNil*NOBODY!*

BladesFourBilly Clarke x2 (Crawley Town), Kyle McFadzean (Crawley Town), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

ValiantsNil*NOBODY!*

PoshFiveKieran Agard (Rotherham United), Alfie Potter (Oxford United), Clive Platt (Northampton Town), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town)

Miscellany

Portadown 11 – 0 Ballinamallard United

Not much more needs to be said to this, except that it was the joint highest winning margin in a Northern Irish League game ever. Mallards fans might point to the two sendings off, but they were 4-0 down with 11 men, and 7-0 down with 10. Under The Gub Scale, this would of course be a Lubbock+An Odd Goal, or an Odd Lubbock, if you prefer. Barney believes this to be illegal in Ireland. The rumour that Portadown’s players were arrested after the game has yet to be verified.

OVERALL RESULT: As it turns out, a clear win for Barney’s Posh side. Thank god no-one had any Portadown players!

Gameweek VII – Communication From Penzance…

THE SOUTHERN JOHN GWYNNE, TONY MILLARD R.I.P. HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

As this link from his beloved Brighton & Hove albion site, points out, the broadcasting world lost a shouty, but somewhat unsung hero… (LINK)

The piece of string between two cups, one in Sheffield and one in Penzance snapped at the weekend, leaving me with no pre-done categories.

(EDIT) Fortunately(…or not…) it came back, texts bursting forth from my phone, voicemails galore, and so here…

The Categories

However, in true showbiz fashion, the show must go on. Here are a few snippets of Categories for this week that might have been…

darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Failed!

PoshARE YOU MY FAG?
Keanu (the male chav-equivalent of Chelsea) Marsh-Brown at Barnet

It Dont Mean NuthinIT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
Adam Currington (Cambridge United) against former club Tamworth, and more impressively, a double I.D.M.N. by Yann Kermorgant and Michael Morrison, who both scored for Charlton Athletic against their old club Leicester City.

Phone Box ActionLIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX
Failed. Obviously the BBC can afford better telephony. However, I didn’t hear any reports on Sky either…

CROOKES/KILBANE(MERSON)VOUXANGLAIS
None detected on Sky, but as for the BBC’s pale imitation of Soccer Saturday, take it away Mr Bell….

Here are the other categories that would’ve made it, but for the (LATE!) official selection courtesy of young Neil…

BrightonDAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON
Andy Procter (Bury) scoring an own goal for Cheltenham Town as well as scoring at the right end

BeaverFIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS
Not sure if this counts, but Ayr United, who went down to nine men 55 minutes into their game with Airdrieonians, managed to hold on for a 2-2 draw .

Glenn & ChrisDIAMOND LIGHTS
Again, not sure if he’s famous enough (he does have his own Wikipedia entry though!) – Paul Quinn (Singer / East Stirlingshire forward)

And after all that……

The Results

OwlsSixChris O’Grady (Barnsley), Michael Morrison (Charlton Athletic), Ryan Ulysees Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Danny Mayor (Bury) and Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)

Arsenal TwoJermaine Pennant (Stoke City), Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

Blades FourAndy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers) and Kyel Reid (Bradford City)

Valiants FourAndy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), David Mooney (Leyton Orient) and Kyel Reid (Bradford City)

Posh FourDwight Gayle (Crystal Palace), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle) and Ben Wright (Salisbury City)

Miscellany

There seems to be an unexpected, but welcome return – A TRIALIST. He’s a busy man – scoring in Rangers’ gubbing of East Fife and getting booked in the Clyde game, which featured A’s brother B playing for the opposing side Elgin. B Trialist also ended up in the referee’s book. “How do you spell ‘B’…”

OVERALL RESULT: A WIN OUTRIGHT FOR CHRIS’ OWLS! WELL DONE, SIR…