Month: October 2013

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On The Whole, I’d Rather Be In Slough…(Gameweek XIV)

The ‘Rodri – yes THAT Rodri‘ HIH League

A short note of explanation

Promising young striker scores 28 in 54 for Sevilla B whilst only 20 and graduates to the senior side. Barcelona are interested enough to snap him up and put him into their B team, where he is loaned out to er…Sheffield Wednesday?! 1 goal in 11 games sees his contract (AND THE OPTION TO BUY!) cancelled by mutual consent. Now currently scoring 5 in 8 for Almeira in the Spanish top-flight. All together now….”DOH!!!!!!”

The Categories

Begone!
…AND STAY OUT!

FAILED!

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

FAILED! Not looking good for the categories thus far,,,

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

 Chelsea (2nd; more money than God) 4 Cardiff (17th) 1

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

FAILED!

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

FAILED!

Unpleasant Local Derby
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Millwall v Queen’s Park Rangers. Unusually, it would appear that there were no arrests this time…

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – YES! (Now 5 in 13 for the 34-year old veteran)

Craig Gunn (Elgin City) – FAILED!

Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet) – FAILED!

The Results

Addicks
Six
Paul Konchesky (Leicester City), Kevin Lisbie x2 (Leyton Orient), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town)

Owls
Seven
Chris O’Grady x2 (Barnsley), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town),
Barry Corr x2 (Southend United)

Blades
Six
Phil Bardsley og (Sunderland), Jamie Ward (Derby County) x2,
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Peterborough United), Craig Beattie (Dundee),
Nicky Law (Rangers)

Posh
Seven
Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient), Danny Crow (Newport County), Kwesi Appiah x2 (Cambridge United), Dean Keates (Wrexham)

Arsenal
Five
Robin van Persie (Manchester United), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Philip Roberts Falkirk (sent off right at the end of the game – why couldn’t it have been before the 39th minute?!),
Steve Sidwell(Fulham), Philippe Senderos (Fulham)

Miscellany

The identity of “B.Trialist” of Forfar was finally unmasked as youth-team teenager Jamie McCluskey. Disappointing really. Surely he could have changed his name by Deed-poll to something more exciting?

Cowdenbeath have a Jack Nicholson. He’s lost a yard or two of pace, but doubtless has plenty of experience. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!

Dean Wells – jailed for 12 months for his part in a “pre-arranged” brawl (can there be anything more moronic?) outside Liverpool Street Station in May 2010 – scored for his current club Braintree Town. If only other ex-cons could walk straight into a highly-paid job….

….but this is as nothing compared with the dangerous lunatic known as Dougie Hill at Raith Rovers. At this early stage of the season, he has already earned two red cards and two yellows!

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE POSH AND THE OWLS. TAKE A BOW GENTLEMEN…

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The Bare Bones (Gameweek XIII)

THE ‘BLACK MONDAY HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE’

About the only memorable thing to put in the title was to do with the anniversary of the 1987 Stock Market Crash. Either that or something to do with Michael Gambon’s birthday, but he has done some certain voice-overs for institutions that shall remain nameless….

The Categories

Zinger
ZINGER

More of this than anything else this week. Such as:

[ROB PALMER]: “Ritchie Humphreys – the union leader….I guess that you could call that a good strike”

[JEFF STELLING] (after David Banjo scores):  “…couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo….who says”

[JEFF STELLING] (to Iain Dowie): “Andy Dowie – no relation, is he?”
[IAIN DOWIE]: “No, not as he’s just scored!”

[JEFF STELLING] (to Rob Palmer): “Have the cod army had their chips?”
[ROB PALMER]: “No, they know their plaice!”

Gubba
THE GUB

Called Rotherham v Swindon Town at 3-0 on 65min – Finished 4 nil – Close, but FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – FAILED, despite the 2-0 win
Craig Gunn (Elgin City) – FAILED, despite the 3-2 win
Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet) – FAILED

POTENTIAL CANDIDATES FOR NEXT WEEK:

Lee Erwin (Arbroath): 6 in 5

Jon Parkin (Fleetwood Town): 3 in 3

Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town): 3 in 3

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Oh yes, very much so in the Barnet v Wrexham game – Edgar Davids and Stephen Wright for Barnet and Wrexham respectively. In the end, there were three red cards, as Johnny Hunt picked up 2 yellow cards in a total of 2 minutes 53 seconds. Impressive!

The Results

Addicks FourLeon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town)

Owls FourRyan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, Bastien Hery (Rochdale)

Blades One Andy Taylor (Walsall)

Posh FourDean Keates (Wrexham), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town), Krystian Pearce (Torquay United),
Lee Clarke (Welling United)

Arsenal TwoAbu Ogogo (Dagenham and Redbridge), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers)

Miscellany

Colin Nish – earned his 7th career red card. Definitely one to steer clear of…

It appears that Sir Alex is back – Walsall had 7 minutes of extra time. But they needed every minute of it, scoring in the 6th minute of added-on time to scrape a 1-1 draw. Well, maybe not. BUT there is an Alex Ferguson who is alive and well and playing for Swindon Town. So there you go,,,

And a final slow hand clap for Hyde United, who have lost their last TEN GAMES. This almost leaves them on the travel pages-and at such an early stage of the season! Their stats, which make impressive reading are:

PLAYED 15 – WON 0 – DRAWN 2 – LOST 12 – GOAL DIFFERENCE – MINUS 29

OVERALL RESULT: (JANUARY 2014 EDIT AS NICKY AJOSE IS STILL OWNED BY THE POSH) – WHAT WAS A NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY’S POSH! IS NOW A THREE-WAY TIE WITH POSH, CHARLTON AND WEDNESDAY!

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Gameweek XII

THE ‘MR MADINE, MEET THE AUTHORITIES’ HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE

The Categories

Zinger
ZINGER

“Moment of excitement for Matt Le Tissier – the final whistle’s gone!” JEFF STELLING

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

Middlesborough – Yeovil Town (257 miles in a straight line)

Fancy being bored to death by a monotonous ex-pro? Paul Robinson is the man for you!
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON

Hull 0 – 0 Aston Villa. Both teams managed a total of 5 shots on target. Fortunately Paul Robinson wasn’t commentating…

Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

“Forfar four…easy to say!” – JEFF

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Morecambe – Chesterfield (for a ground opened in 2010?!)
St Johnstone – Inverness Caledonian Thistle

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Tom Flanagan (Gillingham) gave away 2 penalties in the first 13 minutes and topped this fine performance with a straight red card in the match with MK Dons – his previous loan club

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Danny Ings (Burnley) – Yes!
Kane Hemmings (Cowdenbeath) – FAILED!
Charlie Austin (Queen’s Park Rangers) x 2 – Yes!

NEXT WEEK:
Kevin Ellison (Morecambe)
Craig Gunn (Elgin City)
Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet)

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris: Called Colchester United 0-3 Wolves on 54. And there the scoring stopped – FAILED!
Howard: Called Aldershot v Grimsby on at 0-3 on 60min. This also ended any further goalmouth action – FAILED!
Barney: Called Morecambe 0-2 Chesterfield on 13min! However, Morecambe fought like beavers to run out 4-3 winners – FAILED AND THEN SOME!

The true Stealth Gub was to be found at Newton Stewart, who were gubbed 5-nil by Culter in the Scottish Cup with the last three goals in the 86th,88th and 89th minutes!

Miscellany

A round of applause for Weston-Super-Mare, who were mullah-ed at home by Ebbsfleet. This textbook display of incompetence was started off by an own goal.

It was not just Morecambe that fought like beavers. Mid-table Halifax were 3-1 up after 31 minutes, only to collapse like a soggy cardboard box.

A rare Brighton was completed by Tommy Spurr. Fortunately for him, Emmerson Boyce scored an injury time goal, so it made little difference.

The Results

Arsenal
Four
Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Henri Lansbury x2 (Nottingham Forest), Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

Blades
Six
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest), Kyel Reid (Bradford City),
Craig Beattie (Dundee)

Addicks
One Two
Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Harry Arter (Bournemouth), Danny Haynes (Notts County), Darren Bent (Fulham), Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Martyn Waghorn (Millwall), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Joe Anyinsah (Wrexham), Emmerson Boyce (Wigan Athletic)

Owls
Six
Etienne Esajas (Scunthorpe United), Leon Clarke (Coventry City),
Steven MacLean x2 (St Johnstone),
Tommy Spurr x2 (Blackburn Rovers; 1 was an own goal)

Posh
Seven
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient), Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace), Andrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Scott Rendell (Woking), Liam Davis (Yeovil Town), Arron Davies (Exeter City)

OVERALL RESULT: A FINE WIN FOR….
CHARLTON! A SEASON-BEST 12 BLEW THE REST OF US AWAY…

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Gameweek XI

THE “STAND BY THOMAS CRAPPER HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE”

So called due to the anniversary of the birth of Thomas Crapper(1836), the renowned sanitary engineer, and the birth of Ben E King (1938), the singer of ‘Stand By Me’.

The Categories

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Joe Walsh (Crawley Town) – OR – guitarist with The Eagles

Moyes
FRESH HELL

David Moyes (Manchester United). Goes without saying after losing to West Brom at Old Trafford…

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED!

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Melvin De Leeuw (Ross County), Joao Pereira Vitoria (Queen’s Park), Ahmed Abdulla (Barnet)

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

FAILED (Absent?! Was it a dodgy pie at the darts?)

Handcuffs
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Joey Barton of Queen’s Park Rangers – (Assault x2)

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris: Called Milton Keynes Dons v Stevenage (28 mins) at 3-0. Finished 4-1 – FAILED!
Barney: Called Dunfermline v Ayr (41 minis) at 4-1. Finished 5-1. Close, but – FAILED!
Howard: Called Inverness Caledonian Thistle v Hibernian 3-0 (67 mins). Finished 3-0 – FAILED!

Zinger
ZINGER

WIGGY (Played by Jeff Stelling)  “What have Man U got to offer?”
HQ (Played by Howard Quick): “How about a choreographed dance number!”

Next Week:
Charlie Austin (QPR) – 4 in 11
Danny Ings (Burnley) – 10 in 13
David Mooney (Leyton Orient) – 9 in 12
Jordan Rhodes (Blackburn Rovers) – 9 in 13

Miscellany

Hello to Bryan Prunty (Dumbarton) – the man with the finest name in football today.

Braintree have a Marks (Sean), but also a Sparkes (Daniel). Sadly, no St Michael though…

Wycombe’s chairman is called Ivor Beeks. A comedy name if ever we’ve heard one…

The Results

Addicks SevenRicardo Fuller (Blackpool), Deon Burton (Gillingham), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Matt Taylor (Colchester United), David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Jay McEveley o.g.(Swindon Town)

Posh FourScott Rendell (Woking),Danny Crow (Newport County), Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United)

Blades FiveKevan Hurst (Southend United), Craig Beattie (Dundee), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Sam Vokes x2 (Burnley)

Owls NineSteven MacLean (St Johnstone), Deon Burton (Gillingham), Darren Potter o.g. (Milton Keynes Dons), Chris Lines (Port Vale), Leon Best (Blackburn Rovers), David McGoldrick x2 (Ipswich Town), Martin Taylor (Brentford), Mark Burchill (Livingston)

Arsenal ThreeRhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge), Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers), Adam Birchall (Dartford)

OVERALL RESULT: An unstoppable performance from Chris’ Owls to take this week’s crown!