Gameweek XIX (n-n-n-n-nineteen)

THE TWERK-IT EMMA COLE or SLEEPLESS IN S.E.12* HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (*delete as appropriate)

So named because of the birthdays of twerker (now there’s a claim to fame) Miley Cyrus (21) and Meg Ryan (52!) BUT ALSO our Charlton correspondents Mat (31?) and Emma (21?)…

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

None this week to speak of. Clearly we were all short of inspiration….

AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON

Hull v Crystal Palace (4 shots on goal in total, NONE in the first half) – The signs were not good from the start – Hull – 13 goals in 15 games in all competitions. Palace had managed just 8 in 13. Having flop Marouane Chamakh in one of the teams was probably the final straw. Last on Match of the Day for a very good reason.

And if you thought that was impressive, what about the League Two bore-draw between Cheltenham Town and Newport County. Just TWO (count ’em!) shots on goal in the entire game. And they have the cheek to charge £21 (standard charge) or £23 for a Premium Game. Let’s hope it wasn’t a Premium Game…

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Loic Remy (Newcastle United) – SCORED!
  • Ross McCormack (Leeds United) – SCORED!
  • Matt Jarvis (York City) – FAILED!
Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

I think this is the one that clinched it, and maybe also proved the existence of ESP…
[Barney]: “Kevin Friend’s not Sunderland’s buddy!”
– and, seconds later –
[Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling]: “Kevin, no Friend of Sunderland’s!”

Pagga!
PAGGA!

FAILED! Where’s someone to stir up trouble on the pitch when you need them…oh, Robbie Savage retired didn’t he…

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Antoni Sarcevic (despite the exotic name, he is English) of Chester FC and Armand Gnanduillet (the Ivory Coast striker currently playing for…Chesterfield!?!)

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Greenock Morton 1 – 5 Livingston: the last-placed team got a good seeing-to from 6th-placed Livingston. I think it about qualifies.

As does 5th place Peterhead’s gubbing of stone-last Queen’s Park in Scottish League Two.

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

BOTH FAILURES:
Barney called Oxford United v Morecambe at 3-0 on 30mins. It ended 3-0
Howard called Swindon Town v all-conquering Leyton Orient at 1-3. It ended 1-3. I sense a pattern here…

Miscellany

Continuing the theme of actors having second jobs as footballers, it would appear that Queen’s Park Rangers have a goalkeeper by the name of Brian Murphy

Edgar Davids, despite dropping down to non-league still retains a little bit of showbiz ego from the glamour days of Inter, Barcelona et al. Squad number: ONE. Yes Edgar, you’re still Number One….hmm… okayyyy….

The Results

OwlsFourDavid McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Ryan Lowe x3 (Tranmere Rovers)

PoshFourAdam Clayton (Huddersfield Town), Andrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle),
Chris Westwood (Alfreton Town)

AddicksSixScott Parker (Fulham), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Simon Walton (Hartlepool United)

Arsenal NilNone! Not even Robin van Whatshisname…

Blades FiveJamie Ward (Derby County), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Kevan Hurst (Southend United), Simon Walton (Hartlepool United)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR CHARLTON. HAPPY BIRTHDAYS!

Gameweek XVIII (18 again)

THE TAXI FOR MANI HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Mani from overrated band The Stone Roses was about a billion years old this weekend. As for Taxi! – it was Danny De Vito’s birthday on the 17th of November. At 69 (snigger) he still has some way before getting to the age that all celebs seem to die – 86.

The Categories

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Macclesfield Town’s Connor Jennings got 2!
  • St Mirren’s Steven Thompson – FAILED!
  • Coventry City’s Leon Clarke scored on Sunday (as Owls and Addicks fans know!)
Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Howard – Woking 2-2 Hyde on 54 finished 3-2.
  • Chris – Gateshead 3-0 Salisbury on 58 finished 3-2
  • Barney – Halifax 3-0 Aldershot on 47 finished 4-0
Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

Cheyenne Dunkley scores for Kidderminster Harriers:
Jeff Stelling says “Wrexham in heap big trouble!”. How!

Begone!
…AND STAY OUT!

FAILED!

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

Clayton Donaldson with a brace for Brentford against Crewe, but didn’t celebrate, so it might not count. Clearly this meant *something*…

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Cody MacDonald of Gillingham

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

FAILED!

Unpleasant Local Derby
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

FAILED!

Travel Pages
THE TRAVEL PAGES

Hyde are now 17 points away from safety and have landed in the travel pages…

The Results

Owls
+One
Leon Clarke (Coventry City)

Posh
Three  Scott Rendell (Woking), Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United) x2

Addicks
Two
Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town)

Arsenal
Nil
None ?!

Blades
Five
Billy Clarke (Crawley Town), Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Claude Davis (Rotherham United), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

Miscellany

Ian Mc Shane scored for Queen Of The South, which made the opposition Swearengen…get it? Oh come on…

Another former ‘A Trialist’  was unmasked – Steven Bell of  Stranraer (no relation to Barney’s dad)

Just because it wasn’t on the list, there was an excellent Reverse Churchill at the Cowdenbeath – Hamilton game. At half-time, Cowdenbeath  were 2 up, by full time, 4-2 down!

And on the subject of categories that never were- Prestatyn Town fought like beavers to beat Port Talbot in the Welsh Premier League game. After  55 minutes, Prestatyn were 1 nil down and had 9 men (it was 10 v 9 on 62 though) BUT they fought like beavers to win 2-1!

Finally some interesting high scores in the Highland Football League:-

Rothes 0-9 Cove Rangers (A Dry Wyngarde)

Turriff United 7-0 Lossiemouth (A Wham!)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR THE BLADES!

Gameweek XVII

THE DODDY-THE-IMPALER HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Ken Dodd was 86 this week (is this in Dog Years?) and Vlad the Impaler was born sometime around now back in 1431, which is around half 2 in the afternoon.

The Categories

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Reverse Churchill goes to Aberdeen’s Derek McInnes: 1-0 up at half-time against Hearts, slumping to a 3-1 defeat. Barry Robson may have taken the “We shall fight them on the beaches…” speech too literally, getting a second yellow card in the 55th minute, which then started the Hearts goal rush…

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

FAILED (may have been at the William Hill Grand Slam of Darts in Wolverhampton)

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

FAILED!

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED!

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Byron Harrison at Cheltenham Town – FAILED!
Jay Emmanuel-Goalmachine-Thomas – SCORED TWICE DAMNIT!
David Nugent at Leicster City – FAILED

Gubba
STEALTH GUB

In a desperate bid to stop teams we don’t like from scoring…..

Howard: called  Liverpool 3-0 Fulham on 36min. Finished 4-0. FAILED!
Chris: called Colchester 0-2 Sheffield United on 12min. Finished 2-3. FAILED!
Barney: called Leyton Orient 2-0 Southport from on 9 mins. Finished 5-2. FAILED!

The Results

OwlsFourRyan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Chris Lines (Port Vale)

PoshOneOne
David Ball (Fleetwood Town), Emile Sinclair (Crawley Town), Shaun Batt (Leyton Orient)x2, Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2, Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x2, Ben Wright (Salisbury City), Lee Clarke (Welling United), Paul Taylor (Ipswich Town)

AddicksSevenAlan McCormack (Brentford), Simon Walton o.g. (Hartlepool United),
David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2,
Paul Benson (Luton Town), Frank Nouble (Ipswich Town)

ArsenalSixRobin van Bloody Persie (Manchester United – counting double against his ex and much better club!), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas x2(2 more than he ever got for us…),
Kyle Bartley x2 (Birmingham City)

BladesOne Nil
Phil Bardsley (Sunderland), Simon Walton o.g. (Hartlepool United), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons)x2, Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Peterborough United),
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End) x3, Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City) x2

Miscellany

Keanu Marsh-Brown – fastest sending off of the weekend (13min). Maybe he should he sponsored by Head & Shoulders…

Tokelo Rantie  the Bournemouth striker’s first club at Youth level – Dangerous Darkies… errrrrrmmmmm……and in South Africa, too….

A note for Ross McCormack‘s one-man good seeing-to (should this be a category on its own??) – getting all four goals at Charlton (Oops!) in Leeds United’s 4-2 win.

Nick Ross was one of the scorers for Inverness CT against Hibs. I hope Wiggy did the “Sleep Well” joke…

OVERALL RESULT: AFTER A RECOUNT, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE POSH!

Gameweek XVI

The Walk On The Wild Side with the Dandy Highwayman’ Head-In-Hands League

So named to honour (or not) the birthdays of Adam Ant (59) and the passing of Lou Reed.

The Categories

ArrestedA bumper week for the ex-cons X1, with Jake Speight of Alfreton (Assault-and not informing his club or his loan club), Lee Hughes of Port Vale (Death by Dangerous Driving AND Assault), Chris Brown of Doncaster Rovers (Public Order, not to mention the sex tape scandal…oops…just did…) and Nile Ranger (Robbery, Drunk and Disorderly, multiple Assaults). It’s hard being a professional footballer…

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

FAILED! 

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

FAILED!

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

FAILED!

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

Despite the linguistic challenge of Hull City’s Ahmed Elmohamady, another FAILED!

Gubba
THE GUB
  • Chris called Fulham 0-3 Manchester United on 25 min – Final Score 3-1, so FAILED!
  • Howard called Fleetwood 4-1 Newport County on 76 min (better late than never!) – Final Score 4-1, so FAILED!
  • Barney called Turriff United 0-2 Stirling Albion on 14 min – Final score 0-3, so FAILED!
Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Jordan Rhodes (Blackburn Rovers) – FAILED!
  • Kris Boyd (Kilmarnock) – FAILED!
Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

Jeff Stelling: “Danny Coles is red hot right now”

The Results

Posh FourSaido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), David Ball (Fleetwood Town), David Hibbert (Nuneaton Town)

AddicksSevenLeroy Lita (Brighton & Hove Albion), Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, David Mooney (Leyton Orient) x2, Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), Joe Anyinsah (Wrexham)

ArsenalTwoRobin van Persie (Manchester United), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)

BladesFourSam Vokes (Burnley), Shane Lowry og (Millwall), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

OwlsFiveLeroy Lita (Brighton & Hove Albion), Leon Clarke (Coventry City)x2, Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)

Miscellany

Sunderland’s 2nd red card in their game at Hull came as a result of the additional time played for the first red card. An impressive display of self-destruction only marred by the lack of gub.

Kilmarnock have a David Silva. That’s a hell of a loan deal! It’s probably safe to assume this is not the same £24million man, though it probably beats benchwarming like the most of City’s legion of players…

Quickest sending off of the day goes to Robbie Willmott of Newport County (no strangers to red cards at the moment) – after just 3 minutes!

The Alex Ferguson Memorial Award *crosses fingers* goes to Barnet and Kidderminster Harriers for their ELEVEN MINUTES of extra time, which as it turned out to be not long enough for Kidderminster to get one back, but long enough for Barnet’s Luisma Villa to be sent off.

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WINNER FOR CHARLTON – COMING INTO FORM AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME!

Gameweek 15 (Hyde 0)

THE ‘I KISSED PETER GRIFFIN…AND I LIKED IT’ HIH LEAGUE

To mark the birthdays of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane (45) and ‘singer’ Katy Perry (33)

The Categories

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

FAILED! – despite some promising games like Mansfield V Plymouth and Leicester v Bournemouth

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

FAILED!

Moyes
FRESH HELL

Mark Hughes renewing hostilities with ex-club Manchester United, was winning 2-1 (AT OLD TRAFFORD!) but ended up on the receiving end of a 3-2 comeback. After the game, he went off to scour some pans with his wire-wool hair…

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

William Edjenguele of Bury.

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Figures very from 15 to 22, but a magnificent effort by Blackpool and Blackburn Rovers. Former Tangerine DJ Campbell‘s late tackle on Rovers keeper Matt Gilks started the whole ruckus and before you could say Jack Robinson, er…Jack Robinson and DJ were sent for an early bath.

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Leigh Griffiths of Wolves – FAILED!
Charlie Strutton of Braintree Town – FAILED!
Dundee’s Peter MacDonald got his 9th in 14 games

Gubba
THE GUB SCALE

Both Stealth Gubs called at 3-0:
Dundee United v St Mirren – Narrow FAILURE – finished 4-0
Sheffield United v Crewe Alexandra – FAILED! – finished 3-1

The Results

AddicksFourKyel Reid (Bradford City), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Tom Soares (Bury)

OwlsFourDavid McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers) x2, Tom Soares (Bury)

BladesSevenJon Stead (Huddersfield Town), Jamie Ward (Derby County), Kyel Reid (Bradford City), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic), Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Danny Webber (Accrington Stanley) and Jordan Chappell (Torquay United)

PoshOneAndrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion)

ArsenalFourJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City) x3 (three?!!?!?!?), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge)

Miscellany

Hartley Wintney needed to get through one more game in the FA Cup Qualifying rounds to get further than they ever had in their 116-year history… meanwhile, back in reality, they got gubbed at home, 6-1 being the final score. But they did at least do better than Vauxhall Motors, who were Wham!-ed by Macclesfield Town.

In the Highland Football League, Gary Weir of Wick Academy gave hapless Fort William a one-man Wet Wyngarde (Goals on 30′, 36′, 46′, 50′, 56′, 74′, 80′, 90′). Rumours that Fort William fielded a team of livestock are entirely unfounded….

And finally – Burnley’s mascot was ordered off the sidelines by ref for mocking Joey Barton – a dangerous thing to do, given Joey’s police record…

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR LUFFY’S BLADES AND A MYSTERIOUS DEARTH FROM PETERBOROUGH….