Month: December 2013

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Gameweek XXI (6-9 December)

THE GOOD THE BAD AND IT WAS DEFINITELY OVER THE LINE-HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because Eli Wallach was 98 and Geoff Hurst was 72 over the weekend.

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United) – 9 goals in his last 23 games in all competitions, and 2 in the last 3 games –  Didnt play
  • Danny Kedwell (Gillingham) – 10 in 23 – FAILED!
  • Rory Loy (Falkirk) – 9 in 19 – FAILED!
Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

FAILED!

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Angel (Ángel Martínez Cervera) coming on as a substitute in the 67th minute, gets two yellows in a space of three and a half minutes…and it’s an early bath on 87. Mind you, this being Blackpool, the bath was already fairly crowded! Total time on the field – 20 minutes 9 seconds.

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Paul Ince (back from his stadium ban) – 1 nil up, 5-1 down, and 8 men left on the field as his side get a Good Seeing-to from Derby

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED – despite the lower age-limit

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

FAILED

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Chris: Plymouth Argyle v Welling United on 21 min at 3-0. Full-time score 3-1. FAILED!
  • Howard: Kidderminster Harriers v Newport County on 45 in at 3-0. Finished 4-2. FAILED!
  • Barney: Alfreton Town v Luton on 14min at 0-3. Full-time score 5-0. GUB!!!

Miscellany –

David Mooney sent off for 2 bookings in stoppage time in Orient’s game at Walsall. Wonder if he bared his…etc…

Also worthy of a mention was Spartans of the Lowland League, who beat Selkirk 11-2. That’s a Dry Wyngarde, folks!

The Results

OwlsSeven
Joey O’Brien (West Ham United) og, Isaiah Osbourne (Blackpool), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Danny Pugh x2 (Leeds United),
Michael Morrison (Charlton Athletic) og

PoshFour
Jeff Hughes (Fleetwood Town), Danny Andrew (Macclesfield Town), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United),
Scott Rendell (Woking)

AddicksOne
Paul Benson (Luton Town)

ArsenalSeven
Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Steve Sidwell (Fulham), Jay GOAL MACHINE Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Marouane THIS IS NOT A MISPRINT Chamakh (Crystal Palace), Guy ‘NOOOOOOOOO!’ Demel (West Ham United) og,
Luke ‘HOW MANY MORE?’ Freeman

BladesFour
Kyle Bartley (Birmingham City), Craig Beattie (Dundee),
Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Anthony Stokes (Celtic)

OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN HOWARD AND CHRIS SO HALF EACH FOR THE OWLS AND ARSENAL

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Gameweek XX (Double X-The Name of the Game) – PLUS: ‘Midweek Madness’

THE LOST IN THE POST HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because Barney lost the categories stuff somewhere, so this will be a little truncated. I think he had a better excuse but a dog ran off with it….

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

No actual names to check this week, but it looks like Brian ‘Video’ of Everton and the ‘new Jay Emmanuel-Thomas’, Marouane Chamakh, may feature on here next week if Chamakh especially continues his improbable progress….

Travel Pages
THE TRAVEL PAGES

Joining the mighty Hyde on the Travel Pages is Droylsden FC, table-proppers from the Northern Premier League. Not content with a 10-0 home defeat to Fylde, they have racked up a total of TWO POINTS from TWENTY-FOUR GAMES, placing them 12 points worse than any other team, but more crucially, 23 points from safety (AND have also played a game more than fourth-bottom Trafford!). Rumours that Bryan Robson has already taken over as manager are entirely unfounded.

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Nikola Zigic (Birmingham City)

Moyes
FRESH HELL

As the picture suggests, Fresh Hell was at Manchester United, losing to Everton at Old Trafford for the first time in a billion years. Still, you’ve got to laugh…

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Keanu Marsh-Brown (Barnet). Once again!

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Lee John of Port Talbot Town (maybe he drops the extra ‘e’ once on the football field?…or is that ‘just my imagination’? no…oh please yourselves…). Scottish singer/songwriter Paul Quinn also popped up to help Doncaster Rovers overcome Harry Redknapp’s QPR (to give them their full title!)

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

In the cup game between local rivals Brechin and Forfar, Stuart Malcolm of Forfar tried to win the race to be the first to get himself sent off. 7 minutes and 5 seconds was more than good enough and this spectacular display of self destruction was matched by their opponents on the half hour, and supplemented by 5 further yellow cards (one turning to a third red card). In between all the scuffles, a football match occasionally broke out. Stoke City eat your heart out! (Or should it be Palace these days???)

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

Swindon Town 3-1 Carlisle United. 235 miles.

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

FAILED – due to the abundance of loud people having their one drinking session of the year in The Beehive. Even Barney’s fabled Mojo could not shift all of them!

Legendary Tony Gubba
THE GUB SCALE

Celtic WHAM-med Hearts in the 4th round of the Scottish Cup. At Tynecastle. Ouch. And ‘resign!’.

Miscellany

This week, the cupboard of curiosities is bare. I blame Margaret Thatcher.

The Results

Owls SevenChris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion), Tommy Spurr (Blackburn Rovers), Ryan Lowe x2 (Tranmere Rovers), Clinton Morrison (Colchester United), Jordan Spence (Milton Keynes Dons),
Barry Corr (Southend United)

Posh SevenJake Livermore (Hull City), Danny Crow (Newport County), Kieran Agard x2 – one midweek (Rotherham United), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Arygle),
David Hibbert (Nuneaton Town)

AddicksFiveCarlton Cole (West Ham United), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), Dany N’Guessan (Swindon Town), David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Charlie MacDonald (Oldham Athletic)

Arsenal FourChuks Aneke (Crewe Alexandra), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham and Redbridge), Craig Eastmond (Colchester United),
Rhys Murphy (Dagenham and Redbridge)

BladesOne Nil
Kyle Walker (Tottenham Hotspur), Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Adam Chapman (Newport County), Nicky Law (Rangers), Dave Kitson (Oxford United), Kevan Hurst (Southend United), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest), Mark Yeates (Bradford City), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic), Danny Webber (Accrington Stanley)

OVERALL RESULT: A STUPENDOUS TEN FOR LUFFY. FINE EFFORT!