Gameweek XXVII (24-27 January)

THE LUIS SUAREZ CHAINSAW MASSACRE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays this weekend of the big-toothed Liverpool striker (27) and veteran horror director Tobe Hooper (71)

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Ross McCormack (Leeds United) 17 in 26 – FAILED!
  • Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United) 13 in 25 – YES
  • John Sutton (Motherwell) 11 in 20 – YES
Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Nothing. All together. Unless you can count veteran midfielder Kevin Betsy, on target for Woking of the Conference Premier League…?

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

Dartford 0-2 Cambridge United, fought back (like…like beavers, Jeff) to a 3-2 win.

Oldham, who were losing 3-0 to Peterborough, won 5-4 in what might have been described on the Football League Show as “a great game for the neutrals”.

Arrested
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Like the end credits of Crimewatch…

Lee Hughes (Common Assault, charged with Sexual Assault but charges dropped, Failing To Stop & Failing To Report An Accident, Death by Dangerous Driving *which he appealed against*, also questioned over an alleged assault with fellow pro Jason Roberts, but never charged. Three years served.)

Troy Deeney (Affray i.e. kicking a man in the head, although he was a student; Initially this was actually two charges, the second being for assaulting a Police Officer but this charge was dropped. 10 months time served.)

Joe Mattock (Assault x4 – Mattock assaulted two couples who had been giving him a hard time about his transfer from Leicester to West Brom. Got off lightly with a fine and community service)

Nile Ranger (The Daddy of all KTTA players. Street Robbery -aged 15, Assault (found not guilty at trial), Drunk & Disorderly [days after being restored to the first team!], questioned after posing with a replica gun, homophobic comments made on twitter while awaiting trial on four charges of Assault, charged for Criminal Damage but these charges later dropped, charged with rape (case on-going), Common Assault (case on-going), and since then has also missed quite a fair bit of training leading the club to announce “we don’t know where he is”. Not strictly a crime, but worth noting.)

Vera Lynn
WE’LL MEET AGAIN

Nothing. The recent cold snap may well have done its’ work…

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Mark Roberts (last minute own goal) – Catatonia guitarist

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Chris: Notts County 0-3 Walsall. Finished 1-5.
    Close…but… FAILED
  • Howard: Hamilton Academical 0-3 Cowdenbeath 3-4. Definitely FAILED 
  • Barney: Oldham 0-3 Posh. Finshed 5-4, as we already know… FAILED. And then some.

Miscellany

Rotherham loan Dicko, Crawley loan in Smallwood. Plenty of hard tackles in midfield, and many a Carry On gag was made.

A rare note, and seal-like applause for a Brighton – this week done by Wimbledon’s Jack Midson did at the Exeter City game.

Burton Albion 2-4 Fleetwood Town – as Fleetwood scored all six, could this be counted as a Mullah-ing? Or even a Mad Mullah? Mark Roberts and Alex Marrow were the generous duo.

Finally, mentions for Highland League thrashings: Brora Rangers 6-0 Forres Mechanics (Mullah-ing) and better still, Fraserburgh 9-0 Fort William (the lesser-spotted Dry Wyngarde).

The Results

OwlsFiveDeon Burton (Scunthorpe United), Matty Fryatt (Hull City) x2, Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town)

PoshNineJonathan Obika (Brighton & Hove Albion), James Wesolowski (Oldham Athletic) *Counting Double against old club*, Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x2, Josh Simpson (Crawley Town), Rene Howe (Newport County), David Ball (Fleetwood Town), Justin Richards (Tamworth)

AddicksSix
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)x2, Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United), Paul Hayes (Scunthorpe United), Chris Dickson (Dagenham & Redbridge), Jonathan Obika (Brighton & Hove Albion)

ArsenalOne
Abu Ogogo (Dagenham & Redbridge)

Blades
Five
Chris Robertson (Port Vale), Joe Mattock (Sheffield Wednesday), De Laet (Leicester City), Billy Sharp (Doncaster Rovers), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WIN FOR BARNEY

Gameweek XXVI (17-20 January 2014)

THE WOULD YOU LIKE A JELLY BABY JOLENE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because the Legend that is Tom Baker was 80 over the weekend, and Dolly Parton, who definitely exists, was 67.

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Stevie May (St Johnstone ) – YES
  • Nahki Wells (now Huddersfield Town) – YES. 2 in 2 since his transfer.
  • Michael Moffat – (Ayr United) – FAILED!
Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

Two ticks, writes Barney, but no further description. Obviously this was either a Force 10 on the Beaufort Scale or a very, very hot Steak & Ale pie…

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Striker Steven Craig was officially declared missing on 4 Jan 2014. On his return to Wycombe Wanderers, he was sent off for violent conduct on 24 minutes!

Also Jordan Richards, described by former Hartlepool boss John Hughes as “an inspiration” – is given a straight red on THREE MINUTES.

Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

Barney: “The euphoria’s obviously got to Hyde” (who went down in flames, 6-2 at home) and moments later, Jeff Stelling: “It has gone to Hyde’s heads (their victory last week). They’re losing three-nil now”

Moyes
FRESH HELL

Mark Hughes, losing 1-0 to Crystal Palace, managed by former boss Tony Pulis. Whichever way this result went, it was always going to end up here.

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Nothing. Maybe it was the servants’ night off…

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Chris: Hyde 0-2 Forest Green on 13 min. Finished 2-6.
    NARROW FAIL!
  • Howard: Reading 3-0 Bolton on 33 min. Finished 7-1.
    SUCCESS AT LAST!!!!
  • Barney: Shrews 0-3 Rotherham on 21 min. Finished 0-3.
    FAILED

Miscellany

A special mention in the Highland Football League, for Keith’s impressive and almost total humiliation for the team with just one man – Keith – getting whammed 8-1 at home to the mighty Nairn County.

The Results


Owls
SevenChris O’Grady (Barnsley) x2, Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers), Sanchez Watt (Colchester United) x2, James Tavernier (Rotherham United), Barry Corr (Southend United)

PoshTwoRyan Bennett (Norwich City), Lee Clarke (Welling United)

AddicksOneAndy Reid (Nottingham Forest)

ArsenalSixEmmanuel Adebayor (Tottenham Hotspur) x2, Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) x2, Sanchez Watt (Colchester United) x2

BladesSixSam Vokes (Burnley), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Nick Blackman (Reading), Kevan Hurst (Southend United), Andy Parkinson (Prestatyn Town) x2

OVERALL RESULT: NARROW WIN FOR THE OWLS, ALL THE EX-PLAYERS SCORING THOSE GOALS GOALS GOALS!

Gameweek XXV (10th-13th January 2014)

THE DEEP THROAT OF KASABIAN HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of Barney’s obsession with ‘adult entertainment’ and unlistenable bands. Linda Lovelace, ‘star’ of the 70s film Deep Throat was born 65 years ago this weekend, and Tom Meighan, lead vocalist with Kasabian was 33.

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Luis rubber-legs Suarez (Liverpool) – SCORED TWICE…AGAIN…
  • Jamie Longworth (Stranraer) – FAILED
  • Michael Gash (Kidderminster Harriers) – FAILED
Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

Nothing..but then it was impossible to hear over the din

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Another fail

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

A bad week for the categories, this…

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Filip Kiss (Hungary) playing for Ross County – but don’t tell the Daily Mail…

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

Clang! Another miss

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Barney called Forfar Athletic 2-0 Stenhousemuir on 27 mins. Finished 3-0. FAILED!
Howard called Leyton Orient 3-0 Carlisle on 64 mins. Finished 4-0. FAILED!
Chris: Absent

Miscellany

From the gameweek that never was: Craig Noone (Cardiff City) scored in their 2-1 win at Newcastle – trained as a roofer while a non-league player and in 2008 worked on an extension at Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard’s house.

If there had been one on New Years Day, the scores would be as follows:

SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
Mark Reynolds (Aberdeen), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Ross Barkley (Everton), David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Barry Corr (Southend United), Kenwyne Jones (Stoke City), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)
TOTAL = 7

SHEFFIELD UNITED
Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Nicky Law (Rangers) x2, Sam Vokes (Burnley), Lloyd Kerry (Tamworth)
TOTAL=6

CHARLTON ATHLETIC
Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Aswad Thomas (Grimsby Town) og,Darren Bent (Fulham)
TOTAL=4

PETERBOROUGH UNITED
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Andrew Crofts (Brighton & Hove Albion), Aaron McLean (Hull City), Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace), Liam Hatch (Gateshead)
TOTAL=5

ARSENAL
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Marouane Chamakh (Crystal Palace), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge)
TOTAL=4

The overall ‘winner’ would have been Chris’s Owls. A bullet dodged there…

For this week – a quick mention to the biggest drubbing of the week in the Highland Football League – Formartine United 8-0 Strathspey Thistle……a genuine Wet Wyngarde according to the Gub Scale.

And a tricky one for the referee in the Dunfermline v Stranraer as Stranraer’s B.Trialist. Now how do you spell ‘B’…

The Results

OwlsSixSanchez Watt (Colchester United), Clinton Morrison (Colchester United), Enoch Showunmi (Notts County), Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Tom Soares o.g. (Bury but scored for Chesterfield),
Mark Burchill (Livingston)

PoshSevenBen Gordon (Ross County), James Wesolowski (Oldham Athletic), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United) x2, Krystian Pearce (Torquay United),
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)

AddicksSix
Carlton Cole (West Ham United), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Tom Soares o.g. (Bury but scored for Chesterfield), Paul Hayes (Scunthorpe United)x2

ArsenalThreeSteve Sidwell (Fulham), Armand Traore (Queen’s Park Rangers), Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)

BladesSixSam Vokes (Burnley), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers) x2, Kevan Hurst (Southend United), Ritchie de Laet (Leicester City – 1 was an o.g. for Derby County) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY’S POSH…*SLOW HAND CLAP*…

Gameweek XXIV (Boxing Day)

THE PIPE-SMOKING, FLAT-CAP WEARING, RATTLE-WAVING HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because ALL 92 English league clubs were playing on the same day for the first time since the war. (Ok… ok…, 5 years).

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Leigh Griffiths (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – YES!
(But only just…90+2)
Callum Gittings (Kidderminster Harriers) – NO
(despite a 2-1 win)
Jordan Rhodes (Blackburn Rovers) – NO
(bore-draw with Sheffield Wednesday)

Suggestions for next week:
Michael Moffat (Ayr United) and Brett Williams (Aldershot Town)

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Failed! (I think)

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

James Chester at Hull City. Extra points for the own goal being the winning one

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Steve Bruce of Hull City ‘Tigers’…2-0 up to 2-3 down – although not sure this really counts as they were not losing at half-time (2-2, thanks to some swearing from Wayne Rooney)

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Alex Chrysanthou of Afan Lido was suggested. However, further research finds he was born in Romford…

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Hearts {Bottom} 0 – St Johnstone {6th, as of 31/12/13} 4

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Barney called Macclesfield Town v Hyde 2-0 on 29 min. Hyde’s 20th defeat of the season ended 3-0. FAILED!
Howard called Colchester United v Stevenage at 3-0 on 36min. Finished 4-0. FAILED!
Chris called us skivers –  HARSH!

Miscellany

  • Earliest bath of the day (and bravest referee) was Dan Shittu on 4 minutes
  • Blindest strikers of the gameweek were at the Shrewsbury – Tranmere  game. 13 shots on goal in total, NONE on target
  • A mention for the only gub of the gameweek: Altrincham’s 5-0 win at Stalybridge Celtic

The Results

OwlsFive
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town) x2, Chris Sedgwick (Bury),
Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2

PoshSevenReuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)x2, Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace), Chris Westwood (Alfreton Town),
Danny Andrew (Macclesfield Town),James Chester (Hull City) x2

AddicksSix
Leon Clarke (Coventry City) x2, Paul Benson (Luton Town), Scott Parker (Fulham),
Carlton Cole (West Ham United), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest)

ArsenalTwo
Craig Eastmond (Colchester United) x2

BladesTwo
Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Andy Reid (Nottingham Forest)

OVERALL RESULT: AN OUTRIGHT WIN FOR BARNEY’S POSH. AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Gameweek XXIII (20-23 December)

THE ‘IT’LL BE FRANK BOUGH NEXT’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of all the 70’s celebrities, bondage-loving wife-swapping Frank Bough has not been interviewed by Operation Yewtree detectives, yet housewives favourite Rolf Harris has another 3 charges to answer, taking his total to 16. It would have been more, reminded Stuart Hall, but he neglected to play his joker.

Legal Disclaimer: Parts of the above statement are untrue.

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

“Can I stop myself from pointing out Plummer and Batth have scored one after the other? No, I can’t” – Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Raheem Stirling (Liverpool) –Yes
Tom Eaves (Shrewsbury Town) – No
Danny Kedwell (Gillingham) – No

Pagga!
PAGGA!

FAILED!

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

Nothing much to speak of, just a message from Barney which was garbled in tribute to The Merse which read: “kamara: hull are stuffing them out at the moment”. Not quite like Merson’s Boxing Day triumph, where everyone’s name got mangled (even the English ones) and New Years’, calling Willian “Will-i-am”…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Burnley v Blackpool. Well, it is in Lancashire, so say no more… 😉

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

Luton 4-2 Gateshead (218 miles in a straight line)

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Bristol Rovers v Portsmouth. Apparently, the minimum call in 2000 was just 10p you know…

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

BARNEY: Called the stealth gub at liverpool 3-0 Cardiff on 41 mins, which finished 3-1
Nobody else’s views were recorded, but I’m sure I was out for this. I put this down to rampant egomania…or the fact that my selection utterly failed (more likely)….

Miscellany

Courtney Meppen-Walter fired by Manchester City after pleading guilty to causing death by dangerous driving, gets let out on probation, then a straight red in his second game for Carlisle. In fairness, it was on 87 minutes and Walsall had already got two goals, but still…… *applause*… *P45*….maybe…

The award for most one-sided game this gameweek goes to Celtic’s match against Hearts. Total shots: Celtic 19 (9 on target) versus 1 (none on target). It would make a fitting punchline for their shirt sponsors to be Specsavers, but disappointingly, it’s controversial pay-day loan company Wonga.

A quick mention for a few Gubs (and more):
Aldershot 6-0 Tamworth (Conference Premier) – A home Mullah-ing!
Inverurie Loco Works 7-0 Rothes (Highland League) – A Home WHAM!
Lossiemouth 0-5 Nairn County (Highland League) – An Away Gub

The Results

OwlsEight
Ross Barkley (Everton), David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town), Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Chris Sedgwick (Bury), Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United)x2, Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)

PoshFive
Jake Livermore (Hull City), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Liam Hatch (Gateshead)

AddicksSeven
Carlton Cole (West Ham United), Andy Gray (Bradford City), Leon Clarke (Coventry City), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United) x2,
Paul Benson (Luton Town)

ArsenalThree
Emmanuel Adebayor (Tottenham Hotspur)x2, Jo Kuffour (Wycombe Wanderers)

BladesSeven
Jamie Ward (Derby County), Barry Robson (Aberdeen)x2, Andy Gray (Bradford City), Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Kevan Hurst (Southend United)

OVERALL RESULT: IT WAS CLOSE, BUT IT’S A MERRY XMAS TO CHRIS AND THE OWLS!

Gameweek XXII (13-16 December 2013)

THE J’TAIME DIAMOND LIGHTS HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because it’s ‘Super’ Chris Waddle’s and Jane Birkin’s (steady, Barney!) birthdays. A gentleman never tells a lady’s age, but 53 and 67 respectively, since you ask.

THE CATEGORIES

AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON

Nothing. Mr Robinson remains unavailable for comment, although he is available for funerals and cremations.

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Callum McGregor (Notts County)YES (only 1 of the 4 goals scored though!)
James Constable (Oxford United)YES (the first goal in the 2-1 win at
Dagenham & Redbridge)
Craig Bryson (Derby County)YES (1 in the 2-0 win at errr…Charlton!)

Begone!
…AND STAY OUT!

None, allegedly

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

Not even a Zone 1 ticket

Arrested
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Allegedly none, but I think there are several cases coming up…

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

Matt Phillips for Queen’s Park Rangers v Blackpool. Only his 2nd goal for QPR…

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Given that it was one half of the hit-making duo’s birthday, this really should have been a category…

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Not this week, Josephine…

Miscellany

Kilmarnock’s Nigerian under-21 international Reuben Gabriel was told he must do better by manager Allan Johnstone. On his first game since April, he gets sent off after just 23 minutes for his second bookable offence in an attempt to get the Gameweek’s fastest double booking (sadly, his 5 minute attempt was beaten by Josh Scowen of Wycombe Wanderers by 2 whole minutes!). Gabriel has informed Killie he’ll be leaving the club in the transfer window. NOTE:  As of midnight January 1st, he is still at the club…

Special memtion for Bala Town’s home WHAM! of GAP Connah’s Quay…

Bobby Reid, Midfielder for Bristol City’s middle name is Armani! It ‘suit’s him…(sorry)….

The Results

OwlsFour
Marcus Tudgay (Nottingham Forest), Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United)

PoshNilNONE! Yes, I know. but it’s been double checked and everything…

AddicksTwo
Martyn Waghorn (Millwall), Deon Burton (Scunthorpe United)

ArsenalFour
Marouane Chamakh (Crystal Palace), Matthew Upson (Brighton & Hove Albion),
Chuks Aneke (Crewe Alexandra), Rhys Murphy (Dagenham & Redbridge)

BladesEight
Nathan Dyer (Swansea City), Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers), Jamie Ward (Derby County), Billy Sharp (Reading). Barry Robson (Aberdeen), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Dave Kitson (Oxford United), Adam Chapman (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR THE BLADES, THE FIRST OF 4 GAMEWEEKS OVER THIS BUSY FESTIVE PERIOD