THE DUDE (LOOKS LIKE…) ELIZABETH SWANN HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the birthdays of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler(65) and Pirates of the Caribbean actress Keira Knightley (28).
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Coming soon:
James Keatings (Hamilton Academical), Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United), Mark McNulty (Livingston), Michael Moffat (Ayr United), Ishmael Miller (Yeovil Town)
STEALTH GUB
Barney: Eastleigh 6-0 Dorchester Town (Half-Time 4-0) – SUCCESSFUL!
Miscellany
Like most of the categories, rested for this midweek jaunt.
The Results
Ross Barkley (Everton), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town), James Chester (Hull City), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x2, Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x2, Paul Benson (Luton Town), Danny Seaborne (Coventry City)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City) x2, Yossi Benayoun (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Jack Lester (Gateshead), Nyron Nosworthy (Bristol City), Sam Vokes (Burnley)
OVERALL RESULT: A THREE-WAY TIE BETWEEN THE BLADES, THE GUNNERS AND THE POSH. A BAD DAY FOR FOOTBALL!!
THE CAPTAIN KIRK’S SWEET LITTLE MYSTERY HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the birthdays of Trek legend William Shatner (82) and 80s pop-idol turned West End musical star Marti Pellow (48)
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Andre Gray (Luton Town) – GOAL!
Sam Vokes (Burnley) – GOAL!
Lee Molyneux (Accrington Stanley) – FAILED!
And…. coming soon: Jamie Vardy (Leicester City), Ishmael Miller (Yeovil Town), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Michael Moffat (Ayr United) & Alex Wall (Dartford)!
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY
Chris: “Not heard of Kenny Deuchar in a while…” Wiggy: “Kenny Deuchar…there’s a name we haven’t seen for a while”
PAGGA!
Barney’s notes mention Fernando Amorebieta – apparently the 14th red card of his career….but surely this category needs two. Unless of course he was fighting with himself… Given his prior record, this is certainly a possibility.
…AND STAY OUT!
Adam Rooney – cast out from Macclesfield Town to Inverness Caledonian Thistle (303 miles away) – AND THEN ALSO from Inverness Caledonian Thistle to Birmingham City (357 miles away). A Double A.S.O.!
FRESH HELL
In a category he is making his own – Felix Magath. Also – Arsene Wenger, but the least said about that disaster the better!
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX
Brentford v Coventry City, Notts County v Carlisle United. Obviously waiting for new fibre-optic cable to replace the two cans and bits of string…
STEALTH GUB
Howard: A.W.O.L. Chris: Airdrie 3-0 Forfar on 31. Finished 5-1. FAILED! Barney: Notts Co 3-0 Carlisle on 47. Finished 4-1. FAILED!
Miscellany
Quiet week for the Misc, the only real thing of note was the utter boredom endured by the fans of Forest Green Rovers and Welling United, who saw two shots on goal apiece in their nil-nil bore-draw. See, told you it wasn’t very interesting.
The Results
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Jordan Spence (Milton Keynes Dons), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Ross Barkley (Everton), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)
Danny Andrew (Macclesfield Town), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) *counting double against Peterborough*, Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Zat Knight (Bolton Wanderers)
Alan McCormack (Brentford), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay), Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Paul Benson (Luton Town), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Yossi Benayoun (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic), Jack Lester (Gateshead), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town), Matt Kilgallon (Blackburn Rovers)
THE WHERE IS THE LOVE FOR ALFIE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the birthdays of Black Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am (39) and – not a lot of people know this – Sir Michael Caine (81)
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
James Hanson (Bradford City) – FAILED!
Scott Hogan (Rochdale) – FAILED!
Stevie May (St Johnstone) – FAILED!
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY
FAILED!
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS
The best one Barney found was Wigan coming from 1-down to beat Big Mick’s Ipswich Town 1-3. Not strictly fighting like beavers, as they are roughly on the same level (5th and 9th at the time). Maybe Dundee United’s comeback at home to St Mirren may qualify though, 2-nil down at half-time and the managerial axe looming, turned around to 3-2 win. Ginger cakes all round…
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
Aristote Nsiala (Southport) – Democratic Republic of the Congo (was it a Pointless answer…?) Thierry Audel (Lincoln City) – France Osayamen Osawe (Southport) – Nigeria
WE”LL MEET AGAIN
FAILED!
WHERE’S ALF INGE?
Fleetwood Town 3-0 Portsmouth. (229 miles in a straight line). NOTE: this category may soon be replaced….
STEALTH GUB
Barney: Elgin City 0-3 Annan Athletic on 36. Finished 2-3. FAILED! Howard: East Fife 0-3 Ayr United on 40. Finished 0-5. Successful!
Miscellany
(Ashkan) Dejagah’s goal for Fulham in their 1-0 win over Newcastle United – has he got the moves?
In a record week (six with 5 or less total shots on goal) for Paul Robinson bore draws, Southend United and Bury took the cake, with one shot on target each.
The Alex Ferguson Memorial Award for Extra Time went to AFC Wimbledon, who kept the game going til the 98th minute when Darren Jones scrambled a late equaliser. Twenty five seconds later, the game ended. Burton boss Gary Rowett, quoted after the game said, “…Raggy?”, before the Referee calmed him down with a Scooby-Snack*.
(* parts or all of the last sentence may or may not have been invented for comedic purposes)
In the crazy Welsh game of the week (Port Talbot Town’s 8-2 away win at Afan Lido), Rhys Griffiths scored a one-man-WHAM (a Welsh Premier League record) – not bad for a 34-year old. Naturally, Lido will point to Callan Boden’s 10th minute sending off, when the score was 1-0 to the home team. From then on, it was downhill all the way. A long, long way….
The Results
Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)
Aaronn Maclean (Bradford City)
Simon Walton (Hartlepool United)
None. Yay!
Simon Walton (Hartlepool United)
OVERALL RESULT: ON A LOW SCORING WEEK, THE PRIZE GOES TO CHRIS’ OWLS
THE FIFTY SHADES OF RICHARD III HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the birthdays of female pornographer E. L. James (51) and Supergrass singer Gaz Coombes (38).
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Roberto Soldado (Tottenham Hotspur) – FAILED!
Lee Gregory (FC Halifax Town) – SUCCESSFUL! (A Hat trick at doomed Hyde FC) Paul Benson (Luton Town) – FAILED!
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Nothing
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON
Malawi-born Tamika Mkandawire’s own goal proved decisive in the game between Shrewsbury Town and Bristol City (it finished 2-3). His earlier goal, at the right end, ensured he did not have to walk home.
FRESH HELL
Felix Magath, new manager at Fulham, after their 3-1 defeat to fellow strugglers Cardiff City. He is known for his disciplinarian style, and has such charming nicknames as “Saddam” and “the torturer”
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
Mikel Arteta – celebrating his twice-taken penalty in the cup quarter-final between Arsenal and Everton, a club where he spent 6 years
DIAMOND LIGHTS
Nothing. Not even an EP
DARWINISM IN ACTION
Back to Hyde v Halifax Town again. Hyde, of course being stone last (28th) and Halifax (5th). Finished 5-1
STEALTH GUB
Being the only one of us to turn up, Barney called Hyde v Halifax Town (were there other matches on this week?!) at 0-2. As you can see above, it was a narrow FAIL.
Miscellany
David Cotterill, one of Doncaster Rovers’ goalscorers against Huddersfield Town has the middle names “Rhys George Best”. I wonder if he likes a drink or two…
Most boring game of the week: Portsmouth v Cheltenham Town. 14 chances, but just the 1 shor on goal. Ricky Holmes’ 74th minute blocked shot. It seems a bit harsh that Cheltenham’s Ashley Vincent hit the post, it wasn’t counted on the stats.
Tamworth M.Barnes-Homer started career with Rochester Raging Rhinos AND then followed it up with a spell at Syracuse Salty Dogs! Not one great name, but two.
The Results
Jimmy Smith (Stevenage), Matty Fryatt (Hull City), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian)
Charlie Lee (Gillingham), David Hibbert (Nuneaton Town), Rene Howe (Newport County), Scott Rendell (Woking), Zat Knight (Bolton Wanderers)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay)
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Samir Nasri (Manchester City)
Billy Sharp (Doncaster Rovers), David Cotterill (Doncaster Rovers), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town)
THE WHO ARE YOU? THAT’S THE RIDDLE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the birthdays of Roger Daltrey C.B.E. (70) and 80s teen-idol and singer of “The Riddle”, Nik Kershaw (56)
THE CATEGORIES
ZINGER
‘Moses Adebayo parts the Colchester sea’ (c) C Smith.
HE SH*TS GOALS
Lewis Grabban at Bournemouth – FAILED!
Nicky Ajose at Peterborough United – FAILED!
Kris Boyd at Kilmarnock – FAILED!
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!
Nothing
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Auspicious debut for Peterborough United’s Jack Baldwin. Brought on with 9 mins left his actions on the text commentary were as follows, ‘Foul, foul, booking, gives away penalty’ which secured the points for Crawley Town. Dictionary definition of Make Ya Ma Proud twice over.
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON
Nothing
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY
Nothing. Blocked by the noisy rugby crowd and a landlord who refused to turn the volume up!
REVERSE CHURCHILL
Micky Adams at Port Vale – Half Time score draw away to Wolverhampton Wanderers. Converted into a 3-0 drubbing at the final whistle.
THE TRAVEL PAGES
Northern Premier League side Droylsden, a massive 38 points from safety – and they have played 1 game more than the team hovering above the drop-zone! Even better, their goal difference is a mind-boggling MINUS ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE! and THREE WHOLE POINTS FROM THIRTY-SIX GAMES!!! (Note: Like the vidiprinter of old, the last bit has to be emphasised by writing numbers out as letters and using capitals!)
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS
‘Stanton, Is it Santon, okay Santon…’ Ok, so not exactly vintage, but hey, any port in a storm, right?
STEALTH GUB
Howard called Rotherham United v Notts County at 2-0 on 17 mins (final score 6-0) – SUCCESSFUL!
Chris called Celtic v Inverness Caledonian Thistle at 2-0 on 22 mins (final score 5-0) – SUCCESSFUL!
Barney called Alloa v Hamilton Academical on 20 mins (final score 3-0) – FAILED!
Miscellany
Glenn Murray, Crystal Palace’s goalscorer against Swansea, once played for Wilmington Hammerheads. Always time for a great name.
Josh Coulson and Andy Pugh who both scored for Cambridge United against Kidderminster Harriers were born on the same day of the same month of the same year. Ooooo….
Fastest early bath: Jason Jarrett of Chester. 8 minutes your honour!
Mullah-ing of the week: Boreham Wood 7-0 Tonbridge Angels. Cue slow hand clap…
The Results
Barry Corr (Southend United), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), James Tavernier (Rotherham United), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)
Adam Clayton (Huddersfield Town), Charlie Lee (Gillingham), Clive Platt (Bury), James Wesolowski (Oldham Athletic), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Liam Hatch (Gateshead), Scott Rendell (Woking)x2
David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Harry Arter (Bournemouth) x2, Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x3
Luke Freeman (Stevenage)x2, Samir Nasri (Manchester City)
Christian Nade (Dundee)
OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BY CHARLTON AND PETERBOROUGH
So named because there was no HiH League on the week of my birthday, and for this weekend, it would have been “Carry On” and “Beyond Our Ken” legend Kenneth Williams’ 88th birthday on the 22nd.
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Britt Assombalonga (Peterborough United) –FAILED
McGuire (Sheffield Wednesday) – FAILED
Andre Grey (Luton Town) – SCORED!
PAGGA!
Nothing. Joey Barton must have been suspended…
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD
Nothing!
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
Melvin De Leeuw (Ross County) – born in the Netherlands – and also a couple of near-misses:
Carlos Roca (Rhyl) – Born in Manchester Yan Klukowski (Forest Green) – Also no. Born in Chippenham, Wiltshire
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
James Hayter getting and scoring the penalty in “relegation six-pointer” for Yeovil Town versus old club Doncaster Rovers. For the record, he did celebrate it….
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra
STEALTH GUB
Howard: Notts County v Shrewsbury Town – called at 2-0 on 13min. This went very badly wrong and finished 2-3 after a Notts County red card. FAILED AND THEN SOME!
Chris: Burnley v Nottingham Forest – called at 3-0 on 35min. Finished at 3-1. FAILED!
Barney: Brechin City v Stranraer – called at 0-3 on 39min. Finished at 1-3. FAILED!
Miscellany
Special mention for the result of the week – in the Highland Football League Brora Rangers beat Strathspey Thistle 11-0. Seven different scorers. Forres Mechanics also mullah-ed Fort William 6-0 but this was not half as impressive, and this is a regular occurrence for Fort William anyway.
If there had been Beehive To Wiggy on the list of categories, it would surely have been: “(Lee) Miller scores against the Millers”. If only there had been enough sound to hear it…. Anyway, the Scottish striker’s goal against Rotherham United was not enough for Carlisle United, who went down 2-1 at home.
The Results
Danny Mayor (Bury) , Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)
