Gameweek XXXVI (Midweek Madness 25-26 Mar)

THE DUDE (LOOKS LIKE…) ELIZABETH SWANN HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler(65) and Pirates of the Caribbean actress Keira Knightley (28).

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Coming soon:
James Keatings (Hamilton Academical), Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United), Mark McNulty (Livingston), Michael Moffat (Ayr United), Ishmael Miller (Yeovil Town)

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Barney: Eastleigh 6-0 Dorchester Town (Half-Time 4-0) – SUCCESSFUL!

Miscellany

Like most of the categories, rested for this midweek jaunt.

The Results

Owls Two
Ross Barkley (Everton), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

Posh Five
David Ball (Fleetwood Town), James Chester (Hull City), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x2, Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

Addicks Four
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x2, Paul Benson (Luton Town), Danny Seaborne (Coventry City)

Arsenal Five

Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City) x2, Yossi Benayoun (Queen’s Park Rangers)

Blades Five
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2, Jack Lester (Gateshead), Nyron Nosworthy (Bristol City), Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: A THREE-WAY TIE BETWEEN THE BLADES, THE GUNNERS AND THE POSH. A BAD DAY FOR FOOTBALL!!

Gameweek XXXV (21 – 24 Mar)

THE CAPTAIN KIRK’S SWEET LITTLE MYSTERY HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of Trek legend William Shatner (82) and 80s pop-idol turned West End musical star Marti Pellow (48)

THE CATEGORIES

 

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Andre Gray (Luton Town) – GOAL!
  • Sam Vokes (Burnley) – GOAL!
  • Lee Molyneux (Accrington Stanley) – FAILED!

And…. coming soon: Jamie Vardy (Leicester City), Ishmael Miller (Yeovil Town), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Michael Moffat (Ayr United) & Alex Wall (Dartford)!

Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

Chris: “Not heard of Kenny Deuchar in a while…”
Wiggy: “Kenny Deuchar…there’s a name we haven’t seen for a while”

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Barney’s notes mention Fernando Amorebieta – apparently the 14th red card of his career….but surely this category needs two. Unless of course he was fighting with himself… Given his prior record, this is certainly a possibility.

Begone!
…AND STAY OUT!

Adam Rooney – cast out from Macclesfield Town to Inverness Caledonian Thistle (303 miles away) – AND THEN ALSO from Inverness Caledonian Thistle to Birmingham City (357 miles away). A Double A.S.O.!

Moyes
FRESH HELL

In a category he is making his own – Felix Magath. Also – Arsene Wenger, but the least said about that disaster the better!

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Brentford v Coventry City, Notts County v Carlisle United. Obviously waiting for new fibre-optic cable to replace the two cans and bits of string…

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Howard: A.W.O.L.
Chris: Airdrie 3-0 Forfar on 31. Finished 5-1. FAILED!
Barney: Notts Co 3-0 Carlisle on 47. Finished 4-1. FAILED!

Miscellany

Quiet week for the Misc, the only real thing of note was the utter boredom endured by the fans of Forest Green Rovers and Welling United, who saw two shots on goal apiece in their nil-nil bore-draw. See, told you it wasn’t very interesting.

The Results

OwlsFive
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Jordan Spence (Milton Keynes Dons), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Ross Barkley (Everton), Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

PoshFive
Danny Andrew (Macclesfield Town), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) *counting double against Peterborough*, Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Zat Knight (Bolton Wanderers)

AddicksSeven
Alan McCormack (Brentford), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay), Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Paul Benson (Luton Town), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool), Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City)

ArsenalTwo
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Yossi Benayoun (Queen’s Park Rangers)

BladesSix
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic), Jack Lester (Gateshead), Sam Vokes (Burnley), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town), Matt Kilgallon (Blackburn Rovers)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR CHARLTON!

Gameweek XXXIV (14-17 March)

THE WHERE IS THE LOVE FOR ALFIE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of Black Eyed Peas’ Will.I.Am (39) and – not a lot of people know this – Sir Michael Caine (81)

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

James Hanson (Bradford City) – FAILED!
Scott Hogan (Rochdale) – FAILED!
Stevie May (St Johnstone) – FAILED!

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

FAILED!

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

The best one Barney found was Wigan coming from 1-down to beat Big Mick’s Ipswich Town 1-3. Not strictly fighting like beavers, as they are roughly on the same level (5th and 9th at the time). Maybe Dundee United’s comeback at home to St Mirren may qualify though, 2-nil down at half-time and the managerial axe looming, turned around to 3-2 win. Ginger cakes all round…

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Aristote Nsiala (Southport) – Democratic Republic of the Congo (was it a Pointless answer…?)
Thierry Audel (Lincoln City) – France
Osayamen Osawe (Southport) – Nigeria

Vera Lynn
WE”LL MEET AGAIN

FAILED!

Haaland
WHERE’S ALF INGE?

Fleetwood Town 3-0 Portsmouth. (229 miles in a straight line). NOTE: this category may soon be replaced….

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Barney: Elgin City 0-3 Annan Athletic on 36. Finished 2-3. FAILED!
Howard: East Fife 0-3 Ayr United on 40. Finished 0-5. Successful!

Miscellany

(Ashkan) Dejagah’s goal for Fulham in their 1-0 win over Newcastle United – has he got the moves?

In a record week (six with 5 or less total shots on goal) for Paul Robinson bore draws, Southend United and Bury took the cake, with one shot on target each.

The Alex Ferguson Memorial Award for Extra Time went to AFC Wimbledon, who kept the game going til the 98th minute when Darren Jones scrambled a late equaliser. Twenty five seconds later, the game ended. Burton boss Gary Rowett, quoted after the game said, “…Raggy?”, before the Referee calmed him down with a Scooby-Snack*.
(* parts or all of the last sentence may or may not have been invented for comedic purposes)

In the crazy Welsh game of the week (Port Talbot Town’s 8-2 away win at Afan Lido), Rhys Griffiths scored a one-man-WHAM (a Welsh Premier League record) – not bad for a 34-year old. Naturally, Lido will point to Callan Boden’s 10th minute sending off, when the score was 1-0 to the home team. From then on, it was downhill all the way. A long, long way….

The Results

OwlsTwo
Nile Ranger (Swindon Town), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)

PoshOne
Aaronn Maclean (Bradford City)

AddicksOne
Simon Walton (Hartlepool United)

ArsenalNil
None. Yay!

BladesOneSimon Walton (Hartlepool United)

OVERALL RESULT: ON A LOW SCORING WEEK, THE PRIZE GOES TO CHRIS’ OWLS

Gameweek XXXIII (Midweek Madness 12 & 13th March)

THE SO LONG HYDE FC HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because after a dismal campaign containing just the one win, Hyde were relegated after two seasons in the Conference Premier.

THE CATEGORIES

Travel Pages
THE TRAVEL PAGES

Hyde. Obviously. Goodbye Hyde. I’d love to see a game between them and Droylsden.

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

None for this week, but  ‘coming soon’ (suggestions for next week) are:

  • Yan Klukowski (Forest Green Rovers)
  • Troy Deeney (Watford)
  • David Gray (Burton Albion)
  • Darren Jones (AFC Wimbledon)
  • Michael Moffat (Ayr United)

Miscellany

Hyde FC’s biggest ever win was 13-1 in the 1921/22 season. Can’t see that happening for a while…(and how bad must Eccles United have been?!)

The Results

OwlsTwo
Jimmy Smith (Stevenage), Leon Clarke (Wolverhampton Wanderers)

PoshTwo
Josh Simpson (Crawley Town), Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)

AddicksFour
Leon Clarke (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Myles Weston (Gillingham), Ricardo Fuller (Blackpool)

ArsenalNil
None. Yay!

BladesFour
Billy Sharp (Doncaster Rovers), Darius Henderson (Nottingham Forest), Nick Blackman (Reading), Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: (edit!)POINTS SHARED BETWEEN CHARLTON AND THE BLADES!

Gameweek XXXII (7-10 March)

THE FIFTY SHADES OF RICHARD III HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of female pornographer E. L. James (51) and Supergrass singer Gaz Coombes (38).

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Roberto Soldado (Tottenham Hotspur) – FAILED!
  • Lee Gregory (FC Halifax Town) – SUCCESSFUL! (A Hat trick at doomed Hyde FC)
    Paul Benson (Luton Town) – FAILED!
Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Nothing

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

Malawi-born Tamika Mkandawire’s own goal proved decisive in the game between Shrewsbury Town and Bristol City (it finished 2-3). His earlier goal, at the right end, ensured he did not have to walk home.

Moyes
FRESH HELL

Felix Magath, new manager at Fulham, after their 3-1 defeat to fellow strugglers Cardiff City. He is known for his disciplinarian style, and has such charming nicknames as “Saddam” and “the torturer”

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

Mikel Arteta – celebrating his twice-taken penalty in the cup quarter-final between Arsenal and Everton, a club where he spent 6 years

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Nothing. Not even an EP

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Back to Hyde v Halifax Town again. Hyde, of course being stone last (28th) and Halifax (5th). Finished 5-1

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Being the only one of us to turn up, Barney called Hyde v Halifax Town (were there other matches on this week?!) at 0-2.  As you can see above, it was a narrow FAIL.

Miscellany

David Cotterill, one of Doncaster Rovers’ goalscorers against Huddersfield Town has the middle names “Rhys George Best”. I wonder if he likes a drink or two…

Most boring game of the week: Portsmouth v Cheltenham Town. 14 chances, but just the 1 shor on goal. Ricky Holmes’ 74th minute blocked shot. It seems a bit harsh that Cheltenham’s Ashley Vincent hit the post, it wasn’t counted on the stats.

Tamworth M.Barnes-Homer started career with Rochester Raging Rhinos AND then followed it up with a spell at Syracuse Salty Dogs! Not one great name, but two.

The Results

OwlsThree
Jimmy Smith (Stevenage), Matty Fryatt (Hull City), Paul Heffernan (Hibernian)

PoshFive
Charlie Lee (Gillingham), David Hibbert (Nuneaton Town), Rene Howe (Newport County), Scott Rendell (Woking), Zat Knight (Bolton Wanderers)

AddicksTwo
Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay)

ArsenalTwo
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City), Samir Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesThree
Billy Sharp (Doncaster Rovers), David Cotterill (Doncaster Rovers), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town)

OVERALL RESULT: CLEAR WIN FOR BARNEY’S POSH!

Gameweek XXXI (28 Feb – 3 Mar)

THE WHO ARE YOU? THAT’S THE RIDDLE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of Roger Daltrey C.B.E. (70) and 80s teen-idol and singer of “The Riddle”, Nik Kershaw (56)

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

‘Moses Adebayo parts the Colchester sea’ (c) C Smith.

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Lewis Grabban at Bournemouth – FAILED!
Nicky Ajose at Peterborough United – FAILED!
Kris Boyd at Kilmarnock – FAILED!

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

Nothing

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Auspicious debut for Peterborough United’s Jack Baldwin. Brought on with 9 mins left his actions on the text commentary were as follows, ‘Foul, foul, booking, gives away penalty’ which secured the points for Crawley Town. Dictionary definition of Make Ya Ma Proud twice over.

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

Nothing

Telepathy
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY

Nothing. Blocked by the noisy rugby crowd and a landlord who refused to turn the volume up!

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Micky Adams at Port Vale – Half Time score draw away to Wolverhampton Wanderers. Converted into a 3-0 drubbing at the final whistle.

Travel Pages
THE TRAVEL PAGES

Northern Premier League side Droylsden, a massive 38 points from safety – and they have played 1 game more than the team hovering above the drop-zone! Even better, their goal difference is a mind-boggling MINUS ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE! and THREE WHOLE POINTS FROM THIRTY-SIX GAMES!!! (Note: Like the vidiprinter of old, the last bit has to be emphasised by writing numbers out as letters and using capitals!)

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

 ‘Stanton, Is it Santon, okay Santon…’ Ok, so not exactly vintage, but hey, any port in a storm, right?

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Howard called Rotherham United v Notts County at 2-0 on 17 mins (final score 6-0)SUCCESSFUL!
Chris called Celtic v Inverness Caledonian Thistle at 2-0 on 22 mins (final score 5-0) SUCCESSFUL!
Barney called Alloa v Hamilton Academical on 20 mins (final score 3-0) – FAILED!

Miscellany

Glenn Murray, Crystal Palace’s goalscorer against Swansea, once played for Wilmington Hammerheads. Always time for a great name.

Josh Coulson and Andy Pugh who both scored for Cambridge United against Kidderminster Harriers were born on the same day of the same month of the same year. Ooooo….

Fastest early bath: Jason Jarrett of Chester. 8 minutes your honour!

Mullah-ing of the week: Boreham Wood 7-0 Tonbridge Angels. Cue slow hand clap…

The Results

OwlsFour
Barry Corr (Southend United), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), James Tavernier (Rotherham United), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)

PoshEight
Adam Clayton (Huddersfield Town), Charlie Lee (Gillingham), Clive Platt (Bury), James Wesolowski (Oldham Athletic), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Liam Hatch (Gateshead), Scott Rendell (Woking)x2

AddicksEight
David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Harry Arter (Bournemouth) x2, Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Paul Benson (Luton Town), Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x3

ArsenalThree
Luke Freeman (Stevenage)x2, Samir Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesOne
Christian Nade (Dundee)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BY CHARLTON AND PETERBOROUGH

Gameweek XXX (22-25 February)

THE BEYOND OUR HOWARD HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because there was no HiH League on the week of my birthday, and for this weekend, it would have been “Carry On” and “Beyond Our Ken” legend Kenneth Williams’ 88th birthday on the 22nd.

THE CATEGORIES

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Britt Assombalonga (Peterborough United) –FAILED
  • McGuire (Sheffield Wednesday) – FAILED
  • Andre Grey (Luton Town) – SCORED!
Pagga!
PAGGA!

Nothing. Joey Barton must have been suspended…

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

Nothing!

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

Melvin De Leeuw (Ross County) – born in the Netherlands – and also a couple of near-misses:

Carlos Roca (Rhyl) – Born in Manchester
Yan Klukowski (Forest Green) – Also no. Born in Chippenham, Wiltshire

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

James Hayter getting and scoring the penalty in “relegation six-pointer” for Yeovil Town versus old club Doncaster Rovers. For the record, he did celebrate it….

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Howard: Notts County v Shrewsbury Town – called at 2-0 on 13min. This went very badly wrong and finished 2-3 after a Notts County red card. FAILED AND THEN SOME!

Chris: Burnley v Nottingham Forest – called at 3-0 on 35min. Finished at 3-1. FAILED!

Barney: Brechin City v Stranraer – called at 0-3 on 39min. Finished at 1-3. FAILED!

Miscellany

Special mention for the result of the week – in the Highland Football League Brora Rangers beat Strathspey Thistle 11-0. Seven different scorers. Forres Mechanics also mullah-ed Fort William 6-0 but this was not half as impressive, and this is a regular occurrence for Fort William anyway.

If there had been Beehive To Wiggy on the list of categories, it would surely have been: “(Lee) Miller scores against the Millers”. If only there had been enough sound to hear it…. Anyway, the Scottish striker’s goal against Rotherham United was not enough for Carlisle United, who went down 2-1 at home.

The Results

OwlsThreeDanny Mayor (Bury) , Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers)

PoshFourJake Livermore (Hull City), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle), Scott Rendell (Woking)

AddicksFiveCarlton Cole (West Ham United), Danny Haynes (Hibernian), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Paul Benson (Luton Town) x2

ArsenalOneRobin van Persie (Manchester United)

BladesSixDavid McAllister (Shrewsbury Town), John-Joe O’Toole (Bristol Rovers), Nicky Law (Rangers), Sam Vokes (Burnley) x2, Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town)

OVERALL RESULT: FOR THE THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK, IT’S LUFFY FOR THE BLADES!