Gameweek XXXIX – (11-14 April)

THE TIRED OF BEING A VERY PECULIAR GUY HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the anniversary of the birth date of failed Gunpowder plotter Guy Fawkes (1570), and birthdays of ‘A Very Peculiar Practice’ and Fifth Doctor actor Peter Davison (63), and the Reverend Al Green (68).

THE CATEGORIES

 

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Johnny Hunt (Wrexham) – SCORED! his second is as many games, taking him to 10 in all competitions
  • Charlie Austin (Queen’s Park Rangers) – FAILED! (15 for the season so far though)
  • Federico Macheda (Birmingham City) – FAILED! (but has 12 for the season)
Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Lois Maynard (Halifax) – disappointingly, not built like Shirley ‘Big Daddy’ Crabtree…

Brighton
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON

Lee Currie (Berwick Rangers) did a Brighton at Elgin City, scoring first in his own net and then getting a penalty for his own side

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Port Vale, beating Notts County 1-2 at half time, lost 4-2

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Matt Barnes-Homer (Cambridge United)

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Preston 6-1 Carlisle, certainly unpleasant for Carlisle, though at 87-ish mile distance, I’m not quite sure how local this is…?

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Bristol Rovers

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

None called, but plenty of opportunities – Gainsborough Trinity and Brora Rangers mullahing their opponents Oxford City and Huntly, and Inverurie Loco Works wham-ing Wick Academy (extra homework for Wick?)

Miscellany

Sponsored by Specsavers this week – Dunfermline Athletic and Forfar Athletic. In total, 18 shots but only 1 managed to reach the goal and that one shot didn’t cross the line.

Cambridge’s Andy Pugh got a one-man good-seeing-to in their 7-2 win at Hyde (who else?!).  Normally this would be under Darwinism, but that was on last week.

Rory McAllister scored his fifth goal in successive appearances for Peterhead in the Scottish League Two. He once turned down an offer to join SPL side St Mirren in order to complete his Plumbing apprenticeship. In the words of his manager John Sheran, it was so he can “have a trade he can fall back on when he stops playing football”. The folks at Heating, Ventilation and Plumbing Magazine obviously agreed, and placed the story on their site.

Inaugural winner of a category that will be on from next week (once the name is agreed) – the Chav Name alert – Spurs’ on-loan striker Shaquile Coulthirst scores for Torquay…well done blood, innit.

The Results

OwlsFive
Chris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), Mike Jones (Crawley Town), Tom Soares (Bury)

PoshNil
None. All the ex-Posh players had been rounded up and kept tied up in the back of an old transit van. Possibly.

AddicksSix
David Mooney (Leyton Orient) x2, Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Notts County), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Paul Hayes (Scunthorpe United), Tom Soares (Bury)

ArsenalThree
Abu Ogogo (Dagenham & Redbridge), Luke Freeman (Stevenage), Yossi Benayoun (Queen’s Park Rangers)

BladesFour
Dave Kitson (Oxford United), Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town), Stephen Quinn (Hull City)

OVERALL RESULT: IT’S CHARLTON! THE CROWD ARE ON THE PITCH…!

Gameweek XXXVIII (4-7 April)

THE SQUEAL, BOY FOR KATE O’MARA’s TRIANGLE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the passing of the original Rani (and Triangle actress) Kate O’Mara at 73 and for the birth-date of Duelling Banjos composer Arthur (no, not THAT Arthur) Smith.

THE CATEGORIES

 

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

None listed. Maybe it’s time for some Imodium?

Oyster Card
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD

Tommy Elphick (Brighton, Eastbourne, Bognor Regis, Bournemouth)

Tribal Chiefs
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD

 Jean- Louis Akpa Akpro (Tranmere Rovers) of France

It Dont Mean Nuthin
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’

Federico Macheda (Birmingham City) – two goals against his former side Doncaster Rovers

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Paul Quinn (Teenage Fanclub Drummer / OR –  a founding member of Saxon…that’s SAXON, Chris! / OR – singer with Bourgie Bourgie, whoever they were) – all share their name with the Doncaster Rovers player

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Chorley (Top) 13-1 Droylesden (Not top). More of this later…

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Barney: Falkirk v Cowdenbeath, called at 3-0. Finished 5-0. SUCCESSFUL!
  • Chris: Brentford v Notts County, called at 2-0. Finished 3-1. FAILED!
  • Howard: Chester v Hyde United called at 3-0. Finished 3-2 and 10-men on the Chester side. FAILED!

Miscellany

Fort William getting mullah-ed at home by Fraserburgh paled into insignificance with the latest atrocity committed by hapless Droylsden. This week, they went down to top of the league Chorley 13-1. Yes, thirteen. A club record (usually club records are from the 19th century….maybe this was the team that REALLY plays 19th century football and not West Ham). Rewardingly, Chorley’s official website does even spell it out in CAPITAL LETTERS, just like the old BBC Vidiprinter did when it came across an unbelievable score.

The Results

OwlsSix
Barry Corr (Southend United), Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Grant Holt (Aston Villa), Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical), Ryan Lowe (Tranmere Rovers), Tom Soares (Bury)

PoshSeven
Adam Newton (Woking), David Ball (Fleetwood Town), George Boyd (Hull City), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), James Wesolowski (Oldham Athletic), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United), Scott Rendell (Woking)

AddicksFive
Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Lee Martin (Millwall), Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Myles Weston (Gillingham), Tom Soares (Bury)

ArsenalSix
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Armand Traore (Queen’s Park Rangers), Emmanuel Adebayor (Tottenham Hotspur)x2, Guy Demel (West Ham United), Samir ”£25million” Nasri (Manchester City)

BladesFive
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Kevan Hurst (Southend United), Lee Martin (Millwall)

OVERALL RESULT: NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY AND THE POSH ON A BAD WEEK FOR US ALL!

Gameweek XXXVII (28 – 30 March)

THE ‘CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS…YOU CAN’T TOUCH’ LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of Rolf Harris (he’s innocent!!) – now aged eighty-three, and baggy-trousered 80s rapper M C Hammer (51). Also worth noting, from the previous version of this post, are the birthdays of Eric Idle (71), Christopher Lambert (57), and the anniversary of the birth of Doctor In The House legend Dirk Bogarde (1921).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

Bangor 5 Coagh United 0 – ‘Coagh obviously didn’t have a lovely time the day they went to Bangor’ (Chris)

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Michael Moffat (Ayr United)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Joe Garner (Preston North End)

Nielsen
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Gabriele Angella (Watford)

Beaver
FIGHTING LIKE BEAVERS

Nothing on this occasion

Arrested
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Troy Deeney – 2 goals – (Assault)

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton)

Steve Claridge
CLARIDGE CLOCK

 On his debut for the HIH League – a blank. Curses arhhhh….

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • BARNEY: Carmarthen Town 3-0 Newtown. Called on 37 min. Finished 6-1. SUCCESSFUL!
  • CHRIS: Called Sheffield Wednesday v Watford at 0-2. Finished 1-4. FAILED!
  • HOWARD: Called Birmingham City 0-3 Bournemouth on 28. Finished 2-4. FAILED!

Miscellany

Moxt boring game of the week was played out betweem Scunthorpe  United and Wycombe Wanderers. Just two shots on goal per side. Unsurprisingly, no goals.

Mullah-ing of the week: Aberystwyth Town 7 Afan Lido 1.

The Results

Owls
Eight
Chris O’Grady (Barnsley)x2, Danny Mayor (Bury), Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town), James Tavernier (Rotherham United)x2, Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)

PoshTwo
Aaron McLean (Bradford City), Scott Rendell (Woking)

AddicksNil
None?!

ArsenalOne
Luke Ayling (Yeovil Town)

BladesTwo
Billy Sharp (Doncaster Rovers), David Cotterill (Doncaster Rovers)

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR CHRIS’ OWLS!