Final Standings – Season 2013/14

In the tradition of Miss World, this shall be given in reverse order………

 

LAST PLACE:

ArsenalTwo
REPRESENTING ARSENAL:
HOWARD QUICK

4TH PLACE:

AddicksSeven Half
REPRESENTING CHARLTON ATHLETIC:
EMMA COLE & MATHEW MORRISON

3RD PLACE:

OwlsNine
REPRESENTING SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY
:
CHRISTOPHER SMITH

RUNNER-UP:

PoshOneTwo
REPRESENTING PETERBOROUGH UNITED:
NEIL BELL

And…

THE WINNER

Sheffield_United_FCOneThree
REPRESENTING SHEFFIELD UNITED:
STEPHEN LUFF!

In a short statement, Mr Luff said “I’d like to thank everyone who took part in this year’s competition. We are all winners in our own ways. I’d like to thank the organization for their exemplary attention to detail. But mostly to the players for all their hard work and effort.

Gameweek XLII (2-5 May)

THE GET ON UP LIKE 101 MAD MEN HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because, well, Barney didn’t provide a title, then because of the anniversaries of the births of 101 Dalmatians author Dodie Smith (1896), and soul singer James Brown (1933). Also, the birthday of Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks (39).

THE CATEGORIES

 

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS
  • Michael Moffat of Ayr United- FAILED
  • David Mooney of Leyton Orient – GOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!
  • Callum Wilson of Coventry City- FAILED
Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Nobody disgraced themselves this week, unless you count a collective disgrace by the players of Greenock Morton who were Wet-Wyngarded 10-2 by Hamilton Academical.

Arrested
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Troy Deeney (Assault) & Marko Aunautovic (Speeding; also insulted Austrian police saying “I’m so rich I could buy your life”).

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

Nope! Even pronounced a multi-syllabled word with no problems!

Posh
ARE YOU MY FAG?

Matthias Kolo-Doumbe of Northampton Town. Not sure this counts for African surnames but hey…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Blackburn Rovers v Wigan Athletic, Crewe Alexandrav Preston North End

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB
  • Howard* called Hamilton Academical v Morton at 4-1 on 34min. Finished 10-2. A SUCCESSFUL WET WYNGARDE!
  • Chris* called Accrington Stanley v AFC Wimbledon at 3-0 on 45min. Finished 3-2. FAILED!
  • Barney Wolverhampton Wanderers v Carlisle United called at 2-0 on 16 mins. Finished 3-0. FAILED![*note: Barney’s notes say Chris called the Hamilton game but my memory says otherwise; in case this was wrong, I’ve put both down]

Miscellany

In Crystal Palace’s  3-3 draw at Liverpool, Damian Delaney did a Brighton.

Boring game of the week was Morecambe’s no-score bore-draw with Bury. Just 3 shots on target.

In Hamilton’s 10-2 win at Morton, the home team had 11 shots on goal. 10/11 is 91% accuracy.

The Results

OwlsEight
Barry Corr (Southend United), Chris O’Grady (Barnsley) x2, Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical) x4, Ross Barkley (Everton)

PoshSix
Aaron McLean (Bradford City), Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace) x2, Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon), Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough), Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

AddicksFive
David Mooney (Leyton Orient), Kevin Feely (Newport County), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient) x2, Michael Smith (Swindon Town)

ArsenalThree
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Craig Eastmond (Colchester United), Sebastian Larsson (Sunderland)

BladesFour
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Christian Nade (Dundee), Jon Stead (Huddersfield Town), Ryan Hall (Milton Keynes Dons)

OVERALL RESULT: CHRIS’ OWLS SIGN OFF THE SEASON WITH A WIN!

Gameweek XLI (25-28 April)

THE MARLON KING, CROUCHING TIGER NEAR SONIC YOUTH HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because everyone else has already had their birthdays. No, this rather convoluted set-up is due to the weekend birthdays of the King of Known To The Authorities, Marlon King (34), Crouching Tiger actor Jet Li (51!) and Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth (61, And never trust someone whose name is two first names).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

“Joseph N’Guessan has scored. He probably calls himself Jo…but I’m just guessin'” (Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling)

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Eden Hazard (Chelsea) – FAILED
Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United) – FAILED
Marc McNulty (Livingston) – FAILED

Gwynne
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!

Calm this week. More of a 1 on the Beaufort Scale

Red Card
MAKE YA MA PROUD

Nothing

Telepathy
CAVENDISH TO WIGGY

Howard: “Kris Boyd’s the SPL’s leading scorer” (4.46pm)
Wiggy: “SPL’s top scorer Kris Boyd with his 20th” (4.47pm)

Moyes
FRESH HELL

In the Felix Magath category this week…. FELIX MAGATH. Not even looking like Penfold managed to do the trick as Fulham capitulated in style, going down to the Championship off of a 4-1 battering.

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

Jamie Murphy (Space Guitarist) for Sheffield United
Sean Dickson (Soup Dragons) for Stenhousemuir

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris said: Sheffield Wednesday 0-3 Bolton Wanderers. Finished 1-3. FAILED!
Howard said: Dagenham & Redbridge 0-3 Northampton Town. Finished 0-3. FAILED!
Barney said: Colchester United 3-0 Brentford. Finished 4-1. FAILED!

Miscellany

Connah’s Quay Nomads’ away Wham!(1-8) against Afan Lido featured a one-man good seeing-to from Gary O’Toole (no relation to the legendary actor Peter).

The Results

Owls Six
Barry Corr (Southend United), Connor Wickham (Sunderland) x2, Danny Pugh (Leeds United), Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Jimmy Smith (Stevenage)

Posh Eight
Aaron McLean (Bradford City), Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough) x2, Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Scott Rendell (Woking) x2

AddicksEight
Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay), Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x2

ArsenalFour
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x3, Luke Freeman (Stevenage)

BladesOne Nil
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x3, Christian Nade (Dundee), Craig Beattie (Dundee), Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Joe Mattock (Sheffield Wednesday), Paul Gallagher (Preston North End), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town)

OVERALL RESULT: LUFFY’S BLADES WOULD SEEM TO HAVE THE TITLE SEWN UP WITH THIS WIN! (MUCH TO BARNEY’S RELIEF!)

Gameweek XL (18-21 March)

THE SABRINA, I BLEW UP FRANK’N’FURTER HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the Easter weekend birthdays of Clue actor (and some other musical thingy) Tim Curry (68), perennial moron Rick Moranis (61) and Sabrina the Teenage Witch actress (why Barney ???), Melissa Joan Hart (37).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger Zowing Machine
ZINGER

“Palace went the extra mile with Jedinak” – Chris

AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON

Plenty of goalless bore-draws, such as:
Blackburn Rovers v Yeovil Town (5) Shots on target (0)
Millwall v Doncaster Rovers (5) Shots on target (0)
Oldham Athletic v Coventry City (2) Shots on target (3)
Tranmere Rovers v Sheffield United (4) Shots on target (1)
Kidderminster Harriers v Nuneaton (3) Shots on target (0)
Aston Villa v Southampton (1 ) Shots on target (2)
BUT…THE WINNER, WITH 2 SHOTS ON GOAL IN THE WHOLE GAME:
Chester v Wrexham (0) Shots on target (2)

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Joe Garner (Preston North End)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)
Rory McAllister (Peterhead)

Pagga!
PAGGA!

Field & Abbot go after FT for Airbus UK for Foul & Abusive Language

Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Beaches The On Them Fight Shall We….er so, nothing then….

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY

Barnsley v Leeds United and Chester v Wrexham

Norwich fans looking for Russell Martin and the rest of the squad
WHERE’S RUSSELL MARTIN?

Nothing this time

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris: Hamilton Academical – Alloa Athletic (Called at 2-0, finished 2-1) – FAILED!
Howard: Rochdale-Southend United (Called at 0-2, finished 0-3) – FAILED!
Barney: Birmingham-Blackburn Rovers (Called at 1-4, finished 2-4)- FAILED!

Miscellany

Wet-Wyngarde of the Week: Bangor 1 TNS 9 (featuring just the one hat trick from Greg Draper)

The Results

OwlsFour
Barry Corr (Southend United) x2, Connor Wickham (Sunderland), Kenny Lunt (Bala Town)

PoshOneOne
Adam Clayton (Huddersfield Town), Adam Drury (Bradford City), Alex Pritchard (Swindon Town), George Thorne (Derby County), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Kieran Agard (Rotherham United) x4, Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon) x2

AddicksFive
Dale Stephens (Brighton & Hove Albion), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic), Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)

ArsenalThree
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Luke Freeman (Stevenage), Steve Sidwell (Fulham)

BladesOne Nil
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Lloyd Kerry (Tamworth), Nicky Law (Rangers), Paul Gallagher (Preston North End) x3, Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town), Connnor Brown (Oldham Athletic)

OVERALL RESULT: NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY, EDGING CLOSER TO THE TOP SPOT…!