In the tradition of Miss World, this shall be given in reverse order………
LAST PLACE:
REPRESENTING ARSENAL:
HOWARD QUICK
4TH PLACE:
REPRESENTING CHARLTON ATHLETIC: EMMA COLE & MATHEW MORRISON
3RD PLACE:
REPRESENTING SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY:
CHRISTOPHER SMITH
RUNNER-UP:
REPRESENTING PETERBOROUGH UNITED: NEIL BELL
And…
THE WINNER
REPRESENTING SHEFFIELD UNITED: STEPHEN LUFF!
In a short statement, Mr Luff said “I’d like to thank everyone who took part in this year’s competition. We are all winners in our own ways. I’d like to thank the organization for their exemplary attention to detail. But mostly to the players for all their hard work and effort.“
THE GET ON UP LIKE 101 MAD MEN HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because, well, Barney didn’t provide a title, then because of the anniversaries of the births of 101 Dalmatians author Dodie Smith (1896), and soul singer James Brown (1933). Also, the birthday of Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks (39).
THE CATEGORIES
HE SH*TS GOALS
Michael Moffat of Ayr United- FAILED
David Mooney of Leyton Orient – GOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!
Callum Wilson of Coventry City- FAILED
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Nobody disgraced themselves this week, unless you count a collective disgrace by the players of Greenock Morton who were Wet-Wyngarded 10-2 by Hamilton Academical.
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES
Troy Deeney (Assault) & Marko Aunautovic (Speeding; also insulted Austrian police saying “I’m so rich I could buy your life”).
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS
Nope! Even pronounced a multi-syllabled word with no problems!
ARE YOU MY FAG?
Matthias Kolo-Doumbe of Northampton Town. Not sure this counts for African surnames but hey…
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Blackburn Rovers v Wigan Athletic, Crewe Alexandrav Preston North End
Chris* called Accrington Stanley v AFC Wimbledon at 3-0 on 45min. Finished 3-2. FAILED!
Barney Wolverhampton Wanderers v Carlisle United called at 2-0 on 16 mins. Finished 3-0. FAILED![*note: Barney’s notes say Chris called the Hamilton game but my memory says otherwise; in case this was wrong, I’ve put both down]
Miscellany
In Crystal Palace’s 3-3 draw at Liverpool, Damian Delaney did a Brighton.
Boring game of the week was Morecambe’s no-score bore-draw with Bury. Just 3 shots on target.
In Hamilton’s 10-2 win at Morton, the home team had 11 shots on goal. 10/11 is 91% accuracy.
The Results
Barry Corr (Southend United), Chris O’Grady (Barnsley) x2, Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical) x4, Ross Barkley (Everton)
THE MARLON KING, CROUCHING TIGER NEAR SONIC YOUTH HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because everyone else has already had their birthdays. No, this rather convoluted set-up is due to the weekend birthdays of the King of Known To The Authorities, Marlon King (34), Crouching Tiger actor Jet Li (51!) and Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth (61, And never trust someone whose name is two first names).
THE CATEGORIES
ZINGER
“Joseph N’Guessan has scored. He probably calls himself Jo…but I’m just guessin'” (Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling)
HE SH*TS GOALS
Eden Hazard (Chelsea) – FAILED
Sam Winnall (Scunthorpe United) – FAILED
Marc McNulty (Livingston) – FAILED
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!
Calm this week. More of a 1 on the Beaufort Scale
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Nothing
CAVENDISH TO WIGGY
Howard: “Kris Boyd’s the SPL’s leading scorer” (4.46pm)
Wiggy: “SPL’s top scorer Kris Boyd with his 20th” (4.47pm)
FRESH HELL
In the Felix Magath category this week…. FELIX MAGATH. Not even looking like Penfold managed to do the trick as Fulham capitulated in style, going down to the Championship off of a 4-1 battering.
DIAMOND LIGHTS
Jamie Murphy (Space Guitarist) for Sheffield United
Sean Dickson (Soup Dragons) for Stenhousemuir
STEALTH GUB
Chris said: Sheffield Wednesday 0-3 Bolton Wanderers. Finished 1-3. FAILED!
Howard said: Dagenham & Redbridge 0-3 Northampton Town. Finished 0-3. FAILED!
Barney said: Colchester United 3-0 Brentford. Finished 4-1. FAILED!
Miscellany
Connah’s Quay Nomads’ away Wham!(1-8) against Afan Lido featured a one-man good seeing-to from Gary O’Toole (no relation to the legendary actor Peter).
The Results
Barry Corr (Southend United), Connor Wickham (Sunderland) x2, Danny Pugh (Leeds United), Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Jimmy Smith (Stevenage)
Aaron McLean (Bradford City), Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough) x2, Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion), Scott Rendell (Woking) x2
Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City), Kevin Lisbie (Leyton Orient), Luke Holden (GAP Connah’s Quay), Michael Smith (Swindon Town), Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth) x2
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x3, Luke Freeman (Stevenage)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x3, Christian Nade (Dundee), Craig Beattie (Dundee), Greg Halford (Nottingham Forest), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Joe Mattock (Sheffield Wednesday), Paul Gallagher (Preston North End), Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town)
OVERALL RESULT: LUFFY’S BLADES WOULD SEEM TO HAVE THE TITLE SEWN UP WITH THIS WIN! (MUCH TO BARNEY’S RELIEF!)
THE SABRINA, I BLEW UP FRANK’N’FURTER HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the Easter weekend birthdays of Clue actor (and some other musical thingy) Tim Curry (68), perennial moron Rick Moranis (61) and Sabrina the Teenage Witch actress (why Barney ???), Melissa Joan Hart (37).
Plenty of goalless bore-draws, such as:
Blackburn Rovers v Yeovil Town (5) Shots on target (0)
Millwall v Doncaster Rovers (5) Shots on target (0)
Oldham Athletic v Coventry City (2) Shots on target (3)
Tranmere Rovers v Sheffield United (4) Shots on target (1)
Kidderminster Harriers v Nuneaton (3) Shots on target (0)
Aston Villa v Southampton (1 ) Shots on target (2) BUT…THE WINNER, WITH 2 SHOTS ON GOAL IN THE WHOLE GAME:
Chester v Wrexham (0) Shots on target (2)
HE SH*TS GOALS
Joe Garner (Preston North End)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)
Rory McAllister (Peterhead)
PAGGA!
Field & Abbot go after FT for Airbus UK for Foul & Abusive Language
REVERSE CHURCHILL
Beaches The On Them Fight Shall We….er so, nothing then….
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Barnsley v Leeds United and Chester v Wrexham
WHERE’S RUSSELL MARTIN?
Nothing this time
STEALTH GUB
Chris: Hamilton Academical – Alloa Athletic (Called at 2-0, finished 2-1) – FAILED! Howard: Rochdale-Southend United (Called at 0-2, finished 0-3) – FAILED! Barney: Birmingham-Blackburn Rovers (Called at 1-4, finished 2-4)- FAILED!
Miscellany
Wet-Wyngarde of the Week: Bangor 1 TNS 9 (featuring just the one hat trick from Greg Draper)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Luke Freeman (Stevenage), Steve Sidwell (Fulham)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic), Izale McLeod (Milton Keynes Dons), Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Lloyd Kerry (Tamworth), Nicky Law (Rangers), Paul Gallagher (Preston North End) x3, Scott Boden (Macclesfield Town), Connnor Brown (Oldham Athletic)
OVERALL RESULT: NARROW WIN FOR BARNEY, EDGING CLOSER TO THE TOP SPOT…!
