THE ‘Michelle Fowler’s Shallow Grave in the Night Garden’ Head-In-Hands League
So called due to the midweek birthdays of Suzanne “Michelle Fowler” Tully (44), film director Danny Boyle (58) and Sir Derek Jacobi, voice of In The Night Garden, among other things (76).
Admittedly, two of these are for the Monday, but it might spoil an otherwise good title to choose someone else cf. “Professional Yorkshireman’s Karaoke in the Night Garden” (Geoff Boycott, Saffron Burrows, Derek Jacobi)
FINAL SCORES Conor Henderson (Crawley Town)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Darius Henderson (Leyton Orient)
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic) x2
Kyle McFadzean (Milton Keynes Dons)
Lyle Taylor (Scunthorpe United)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Alfie Potter (Oxford United)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Rotherham United)
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United)
Russell Martin (Norwich City)
Overall result: Luff’s Blades make it two wins in a row to keep things interesting!
THE ‘Hello girls, come here there’s more in my fridge’ Head-In-Hands league
So called due to the weekend birthdays of Peter Stringfellow (74), Jimmy Cricket (72), and Kevin ‘Man with fridge’ Lisbie, 36 (note: this last name may require further explanation, Barney)
Albion’s Ciaran Donnelly. Longest serving player. Captain for past two seasons. Off after 3 minutes for professional foul.
Late opposition arrives via Welling’s player-manager Jamie Day, who got a straight red for violent conduct after the final whistle. There’s an example for your players…
Oh, and Sunderland. Just Sunderland.
FRESH HELL
Another well-contested category. Poyet’s face after the Southampton debacle was dictionary definition of the above, however…. Only 1-0 up? Against ten men? And you allow a last-kick equaliser? You are Ipswich and your manager is Mick McCarthy. Yikes.
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
Wolves boss Kenny Jackett would surely have allowed himself a satisfied smile as his team went in 3-0 up at half-time against Millwall, who fired him after he took them to two Wembley play-offs and a promotion. Current Millwall boss Ian Holloway would have been returning the favour at full-time, as the match ended 3-3.
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Has to be Palace v Chelsea?
HE SH*TS GOALS
Lee Cook (Barnet) – Nope
Aaron Wilbraham (Bristol City) – the scorer in four straight games didn’t manage to make it 5
Chris Martin (Derby County) – Two of them!
STEALTH GUB
Barney: called Huddersfield Town v Blackpool at 2-0 on 12min, finished 4-2
Howard: called Notts County v Crawley Town at 3-0 on 44 min, finished 5-3
Chris: Absent presumed skiving!
FINAL SCORES
Anthony Stokes (Celtic)x2
Cesc Fabregas (Chelsea)
Carlton Cole (West Ham United)
Ricardo Fuller (Millwall) x2
Scott Wagstaff (Bristol City)
Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers
Danny Mayor (Bury)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Grant Holt (Huddersfield Town, on loan from Wigan Athletic)
Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)
Paul Heffernan (Hibernian)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Tony McMahon (Blackpool)
Anthony Stokes (Celtic) x2
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Harry Bunn (Huddersfield Town) x2
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Nicky Law (Rangers)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Shaun Miller (Coventry City)
Tony McMahon (Blackpool)
Alfie Potter (Oxford United)
Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Charlie Lee (Stevenage)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
George Boyd (Burnley)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Rotherham United)
Kieran Agard (Bristol City)
Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)
OVERALL RESULT: A SURPRISE WIN FOR LAST YEAR’S WINNER, LUFFY!
the ‘Bergerac Solves Combover Most Horrid’ head-in-hands league
So called due to the weekend birthdays of Sir John Nettles 71, Sir Bobby Charlton, 77 and Sir Dawn French 57. Two of these may not actually have been knighted…
(Further Apologies to Mr Smith as ‘Super’ Danny Maddix’s 47th didn’t make the cut….)
THE CATEGORIES
WHERE’S RUSSELL MARTIN?
Dover Athletic 2-0 Chester. A thoroughly unrewarding 608-mile round trip by road for the handful of the fans who were rooting for the away team at ‘The Crabble’. Possibly they were the 9 in the total attendance figure of 1009.
TONY CRAIG’s OYSTER CARD
The best we could find is Barnet’s Lee Cook, who’s been around many a London club but has Apollon Smyrni as his last port of call. And that’s Cyprus, which is not part of London. Maybe there’s a ‘Little Nicosia’ in there. (EDIT: There isn’t).
DAY TRIP TO BRIGHTON
Nothing to see here. Move along, please…
AN EVENING WITH PAUL ROBINSON
No game in the top-flight leagues finished 0-0 (including Conference and Welsh Premier leagues!), I wonder what the odds on that are…?!
ARE YOU MY FAG?
Nathaniel Knight-Percival at Shrewsbury and Matt Barnes-Homer at Dartford. The former’s nickname is ‘The Solicitors’
ZINGER
‘Doug Loft’s hit the roof’ – Barney
OR
‘Beautyman’s surely looking good for Welling’ – Jeff Stelling
HE SH*TS GOALS
John Akinde (Barnet) – YES! (Got one in the 3-3 draw with Kidderminster Harriers…obviously was skiving for the other 2 goals!)
Marc Richards (Northampton Town) – NO! (8 goals in 13 so far this season)
Matt Done {and you have been!} – (Rochdale) – NO! (8 from 14 games so far this season)
STEALTH GUB
Chris – called Barnet v Kidderminster Harriers on 43min at 3-0. Finished 3-3 (This could be said to be akin to the Reverse Churchill…)
Howard called Port Vale v Yeovil Town, called on 47min at 3-0. Finished 4-1
Barney called AFC Wimbledon v Bury on 54 at 3-1. Finished 3-2
IN SHORT: ALL FAILED!
FINAL SCORES
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jordan Cook (Walsall)
Lee Cook (Barnet)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Chris Lines (Port Vale)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Mike Jones (Oldham Athletic)
Rory McArdle (Bradford City) og
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Christian Nade (Raith Rovers)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town) – counts double being against his former club – 2pts
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United) x2
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Shrewsbury Town)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Scott Rendell (Woking)
OVERALL RESULTS: ANOTHER WIN FOR EL BARNO! COME ON, GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE 😀
So called because of the weekend birthdays of AC/DC’s Brian Johnston (57), Anneka Rice (56…”stop the clock!”) and the titanic Kate Winslet…or should it be Mrs Rockundroll? (39)
THE CATEGORIES
LOCAL BOY MAKES GOOD
Joao Pereira Vitoria (East Kilbride), born in Portugal
Genseric Kusunga (Oldham Athletic), born in Geneva, Switzerland
Faissal El Bakhtoui (Dunfermline), born in Morocco, but naturally, plays for France
Jack Midson (Eastleigh) – No (not played since Sep 30th)
Charlie MacDonald (Barnet) – No (not played since Sep 10th)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers) – No (played but got booked)
BENDTNER!
Kelvin Etuhu (first in 29 months…after someone drew him a map?)
MAKE YA MA PROUD
Nothing to be ashamed of this week
IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’
Simon Cox who had two loan spells at Brentford, scored for Reading against his old club. Total goals for Brentford…0.
ZINGER
Barney: “James Lawrie {just scored for Altrincham} – ‘Hugh’ knew!”
STEALTH GUB
Barney: East Fife v Threave Rovers, called at 3-0 on 34min. Finished 7-0. Mind you, this was league v non-league so it was rather like shooting fish in a barrel.
Howard: out of desperation, called Preston, when it was 4-2 on 57min. Finished 4-2. “FAIL!”
MISCELLANY
Bo’ness United kicked things off with a 7-1 mullah-ing of Culter. “Oh that’s easy”, said East Fife, who promptly whammed Threave Rovers 7-0 in the Scottish Cup. “I can top that” said Wick Acadmy, who hit 9 against Strathspey Thistle. “Curses” said the other five teams involved. The End.
FINAL SCORES<.h1>
Anotherclean sheet… Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Matt Taylor (Cheltenham Town)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Connor Wickham (Sunderland)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town) x2
Jon Shaw (Gateshead)
Luke Foster (Southport)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest)
Christian Nade (Raith Rovers)
Darius Henderson (Leyton Orient)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Halifax Town)
Aaron McLean (Bradford City)
Adam Drury (Bradford City)
Alex Pritchard (Brentford)
Arron Davies (Exeter City)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Josh McQuoid (Coventry City)
Peter Grant (Falkirk)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)
Scott Rendell (Woking) x3
OVERALL RESULT: IT’S MORE OF A VICTORY PROCESSION AT THIS POINT, AS BARNEY RACKS UP ANOTHER WIN IN SOME STYLE
THE EVERYTHING BUT BRYAN FERRY’S FILTH HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So called because of the birthday of the aforementioned Bryan but also Everything But The Girl’s Tracey Thorn (52…wonder if she lost her looks?) and Irvine Welsh (58)
THE CATEGORIES
PAGGA!
No!
ZINGER
(Howard): “Marley Watkins ghosted in….” or “Owls defence made of glass {as Pilkington scores}”…my, I was on fire that day (and no one bothered to put me out…)
CAVENDISH TO WIGGY
Nothing. Clearly there was a break in communications
ARE YOU MY FAG?
Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES
Nothing. Possibly all in court.
HE SH*TS GOALS
Eoin Doyle (Chesterfield) – No (but he did score on the week before and the week after. There’s timing for you…)
Lawson D’Ath (Northampton Town) – No
Farid El Alagui (Hibernian) – No (not played since 30th August)
STEALTH GUB
Hull City v Manchester City, called by Barney at 0-2 on 15min.
Finished 2-4
Woking v Kidderminster Harriers at 0-3 on 29min.
Finished 2-3
Montrose v East FIfe, called by Howard at 0-3 on 41min.
Finished 0-4
In short: ALL FAILED
FINAL SCORES
Robin van Persie (Manchester United)
Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)
Alan McCormack (Brentford)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Simon Francis (Bournemouth)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)
Benik Afobe (Milton Keynes Dons)
Chris Lines (Port Vale)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Mickael Antoine-Curier (Hamilton Academical)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Craig Beattie (Ayr United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)x2
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Mark Yeates (Bradford City)
Nick Blackman (Reading) og
Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Simon Francis (Bournemouth)
Charlie Lee (Stevenage)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage) x2
Kieran Agard (Bristol City) x2
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Blackburn Rovers)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion) x2
Scott Rendell (Woking)
OVERALL RESULT: HONOURS EVEN BETWEEN BARNEY’S POSH AND LUFFY’S BLADES
The Kat Moon’s Darling Buds Show Head-In-Hands League
So called due to the birthdays of Catherine Zeta-Jones (46!), Jessie “Zeta” Wallace (43) and Jim “Zeta” Henson would’ve been 78 on the 25th. How pleased he would have been to see his little company swallowed up by the Disney behemoth.
This is possibly the final midweek madness of the season, as the fixture lists calm down a bit (but you never know) – so without further ado, here it is…
MISCELLANY
Always worth mentioning a good mullah-ing, this time in the Scottish Highland League where Formartine United dished out a 7-1 battering to Keith. Poor chap.
FINAL SCORES
Nope!
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Nathan Eccleston (Blackpool)
Benik Afobe (Milton Keynes Dons) X2
Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)
OVERALL RESULT: A WIN FOR BARNEY, PUSHING HIM FURTHER AHEAD. AT THIS STAGE, IT LOOKS LIKE A ONE HORSE RACE (THE OTHERS HAVE PROBABLY BEEN SHOT)
THE ‘Philippa Forrester has A Little Time on the Thrones’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So called because of the birthdays of the aforementioned Forrester (46), Dave “Who?” Hemingway (writer of “A Little Time”, 54) and Game of Thrones author and Tolkien wannabe George RR Martin, 68 on the 20th.
HE SH*TS GOALS
Joe Garner – Preston North End – Yup!
Rudy Gestede – Blackburn Rovers – No
James Keatings – Heart of Midlothian – No
UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY
Leeds United v Huddersfield Town – 30 minutes on the X9 bus. Note: not a standard unit of measurement.
CLARIDGE CLOCK
Jamie Cureton (aka The evergreen Jamie Cureton…although how you can be a veteran, which implies someone grown-up, and still be called Jamie is anyone’s guess) Dagenham & Redbridge – 17 of them
Daniel Nardiello Bury – 11
DARWINISM IN ACTION
Very much so, Ray! Halifax Town (THIRD) 5-0 AFC Telford United (TWENTY THIRD). I think the A in AFC may stand for Amateur.
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY
None found (“but surely you can’t be serious…?”)
BEEHIVE TO WIGGY
No, not really. But I knew you were about to ask me that…
STEALTH GUB
Howard: Macclesfield Town v Southport, called at 3-0 on 44. The score after this point did not change. Chris: Aston Villa v Arsenal, called on 41. Ditto, in all respects. Barney: Mansfield Town v Carlisle United, called at 3-0 on 43. Cue a late Carlisle rally, with the game finishing 3-2. Better than a half-time team-talk.
MISCELLANY
East Stirling’s game with Annan Athletic saw the welcome return of A. Trialist. Welcome, unless you were an East Stirling fan, as he scored the game (and Annan)’s only goal.
Chris Rimmer of newly-promoted Cefn Druids did a ‘Brighton’ vs Newtown. Worth noting, as they are rare. Doubtless too, will have been said to have had an “eventful” game by the local paper.
OVERALL RESULTS
Robin van Persie (Manchester United)
Harry Arter (Bournemouth)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Wigan Athletic)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town) x2
Myles Weston (Southend United)
THE ‘Blues for Bella Emberg’s Gruffalo’ Head-In-Hands League
So called due to the birthdays of BB King, 89 on the 16th, Ms Emberg, 77, and The Gruffalo author Dame Julia Donaldson, 66 on the 15th.
No categories as this is a midweek, team-down-to-the-bare-bones edition. So, in lieu of any of that nonsense, here is a random fact: Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms every day. So now you know. Do sleep well now…
FINAL SCORES
James Dunne (Portsmouth)
Frank Nouble (Coventry City)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Ricardo Fuller (Millwall)
Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)
Mark Beevers (Millwall)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jamie Ward (Derby County) x2
Lyle Taylor (Scunthorpe United)
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Moby’s ‘Sex Over The Phone with Jaws’ Head-In-Hands League
Moby 47 on 12th, Randy ‘The Cowboy’ Jones (one of the Village People who ”pursues an alternative lifestyle”) was 64 on Saturday and Bond villain Richard Kiel would’ve been 75 on the 13th (R.I.P. Jaws)
The Categories
WHERE’S RUSSELL MARTIN?
That would be a chastening 331 miles via road (or 281 if you’re chartering a plane with an “Ashley Out!” banner attached and flying direct) for the Newcastle Fans to see their 4-0 scunnering at Southampton.
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX
Walsall v Preston – clearly proper telecommunications weren’t available in Walsall when the stadium was built in ’89.
HURRICANE GWYNNE!!
Unheard and certainly unseen. The above picture is one of only two known pictures of this reclusive creature in his natural habitat…
DIAMOND LIGHTS
Peter Murphy – Wycombe defender and Goth Overlord
BENDTNER!
[A CATEGORY SO NEW IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A GOOD TITLE]
Bristol City’s Mark Little now has 4 goals in 222 games. Not a natural goalscorer and not a natural defender either at the Posh. An honourable mention goes to Lewisham boy Michael Turner’s first in 19 months for Norwich (an overall career total of 20 goals in 343 games)
STEALTH GUB
Howard: called Southampton v Newcastle United at 3-0 on 53 min. Finished 4-0. Chris: called Newport County v Northampton Town at 3-0 on 53 min. Finished 3-2. Barney: called Livingston v Alloa at 3-0 on 64 min. Finished 4-0.
To sum up – no winners!
Miscellany
Saturday also saw the preliminary round of both the Scottish and English FA Cups. Just about going home are Hawick Royal Albert after their 9-0 Dry Wyngarde at Cove. Littlehampton Town are going nowhere, Lubbocked 10-0 by Maidstone. Also in the Highland league, Formartine United inflicted a 7-1 mullah-ing on one-man team Keith.
HE SH*TS GOALS
James Constable at Eastleigh – No!
Britt Assombalonga (aka “Scrabble”) at Nottingham Forest – Nay!
Rory McAllister at Peterhead – Never!
ZINGER(S)
Barney writes: “It was like the Oscar Wilde salon in the Cavendish on Saturday (he lied outrageously)…”:
Barn: “Costa certainly woke up Chelsea!” Howard: “Jon Nouble [Welling United] – well he certainly Noubled the opposition there!” (I have no memory of this, btw!) Chris: “Sanchez Watt has lit up Colchester!”
FINAL SCORES
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Nathan Eccleston (Blackpool)
Benik Afobe (Milton Keynes Dons) x2
Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)
OVERALL RESULT: WE HAVE A CLEAR WINNER – BARNEY AND PETERBOROUGH UNITED! *SLOW HAND CLAP*
Conor Henderson (Crawley Town)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Bastien Hery (Rochdale)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Alfie Potter (Oxford United)
