Game 20 Season 2 (14-17 Nov 2014)

THE ‘HRH’S SECRETARY, THE O.D.B.’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the birthdays of HRH Prince Charles (66), ‘Secretary’ actress Maggie Gyllenhaal (37). Rapper Ol’ Dirty B*stard would’ve been 46 on the 15th.

THE CATEGORIES

He Shi*s Goals
He Shi*s Goals

James Keatings (Heart of Midlothian) – No!
Jed Wallace (Portsmouth) – No!
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic) – No! (4 goals in 6 games before this, or 12 in 17 games)

Pagga!
Pagga!

Nope!

And stay out!
And stay out!

Everyone stayed in, though had Plymouth’s Lee Cox scored rather than hit the post, he would’ve been a perfect fit. (Leicester – Inverness – Plymouth)

Fresh Hell
Fresh Hell

Cheltenham’s Mark Yates is becoming something of a regular in this category, but a 5-1 shellacking at the hands of Stevenage against opposition managed by someone who stated ‘the players stopped trying’ at the end of last season can’t be ignored.

It Dont Mean Nuthin
It Dont Mean Nuthin

Nuthin’ indeed, living up to its’ name.

You're Not A Kid Anymore
You’re Not A Kid Anymore

Unsurprisingly to regular viewers, the brand new category fails to trouble the scorers.

Stealth Gub
Stealth Gub

Howard called Elgin v Queen’s Park at 0-3 on 41min. Finished 1-4
Barney called Stevenage v Cheltenham at 2-0 on 8min! Finished 5-1
Chris = AWOL

ALL FAILED!

Miscellany

Nothing to report. Rather a quiet week on an International Weekend.

The Results


sheffield-wednesday-box
Two
Rory McArdle (Bradford City)
Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)


Six
Adam Newton (Woking) x2
Charlie Lee (Stevenage)
Jeff Hughes (Fleetwood Town)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)  x2

charlton02
Three
Barry Fuller (AFC Wimbledon)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)


One
Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)


Four
Christian Nade (Raith Rovers)
Craig Beattie (Ayr United)
Mark Yeates (Bradford City)
Michael Brown (Port Vale)

OVERALL RESULT: BARNEY TAKES THE CAKE THIS WEEK, GETTING BACK ON WITH THE TITLE CHALLENGE

Game 19 Season 2 (7-10 Nov)

THE Evita, Pass Out In Texas HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sir Tim Rice (70), Tinie Tempah (26), and Sharleen Spiteri (47). No explanations needed…well, maybe for Tinie Tempah. He raps about tea you know…that sounds…er…great…

THE CATEGORIES

He Shi*s Goals
He Shi*s Goals

Ian Henderson (Rochdale) – Doubtless he would, had he not got a straight red on 16 minutes…
Romelu Lukaku (Everton) – Drew a blank.
Liam Buchanan (Alloa Athletic) – Scored the winner at Livingston.

Day Trip To Brighton
Day Trip To Brighton

Danny Shittu at Millwall scored at both ends. But brick khazis are built like him rather than other way around so you can tell him.

Local Boy Makes Good
Local Boy Makes Good

A second mention in this category for Dunfermline’s Moroccan native Faissel El-Bakhtoui.

Are You My Fag?
Are You My Fag?

Lincoln’s Delano Sam-Yorke. Hold Barney back, there’s a posh person in the room…

Tony Craig's Oyster Card
Tony Craig’s Oyster Card

Grimsby’s Shaun Pearson’s three other clubs are Spalding, Stamford and Boston United.  Textbook.  Luton’s left-back Jake Howells runs him close, with Watford and the mighty Hemel Hempstead being his other ports of call.

Where's Russell Martin?
Where’s Russell Martin?

Dover Athletic 1-0 Morecambe. Those 343 miles back to Morecambe must have been fun for those away fans who attended at The Crabble…

The Stealth Gub – not chosen this week due to pure skiveyness

Miscellany

If only “Don’t call me Shirley” was on this week’s categories then FC Halifax Town’s Lois Maynard would have been a winner and then some.

FINAL SCORES

sheffield-wednesday-box
10
Barry Corr (Southend United)
Benik Afobe (Milton Keynes Dons, on loan from Arsenal) x2
Gary Gardner (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest)
Mike Jones (Oldham Athletic)
Nile Ranger (Swindon Town)
Reda Johnson (Coventry City)
Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)


Two
Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United)

charlton02
Eight
Dan Shittu (Millwall) x2 – one as an own goal…ssh! don’t tell him!!
Danny Green (Milton Keynes Dons)
Danny Hollands (Portsmouth)
Dany N’Guessan (Port Vale) x2
Paul Benson (Luton Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)


Three
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City)
Sanchez Watt (Colchester United)
Sebastian Larsson (Sunderland)


Four
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Jon Stead (Bradford City, on loan from Huddersfield Town)
Nicky Law (Rangers)

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE ’10’ FOR CHRIS AND THE OWLS!

Game 18 Season 2 (31 Oct – 3 Nov)

The ‘It’s Hot In Here, Right Beside Foyle’ HEAD-IN-HANDS  league

So called because of the weekend birthdays of…Nelly (40…. a MAN called Nelly?!), two-“hit” wonder Sophie B Hawkins (47) and Michael Kitchen (66 on Halloween)…

THE CATEGORIES

Phone Box Action
LIVE FROM THE PHONE BOX

Not quite a textbook 60p, but the fella reporting in from Gigg Lane, Bury on the Beeb’s Final Score opened with ‘Are we live, where’s my notes gone?’
Also in Lancashire, John Acres at Wigan remarked ‘The home team have the wind in their belts’. Stelling would’ve picked up and ran with this, alas it was Jason Mohammed who did neither 🙁

Darwin
DARWINISM IN ACTION

Arsenal 3-0 Burnley. 32 shots to 6, according to the BBC. Given that they are managed by The Devil himself, sacrifices surely followed…

Reverse Churchill
REVERSE CHURCHILL

Elgin 4-4 Bo’Ness. 3-0 to Elgin at HT. Bo’ness are mid table in the (deep breath…) Scottish Junior Football Association (East Region) SuperLeague. That’s SUPERLEAGUE. Promotion would see them play in the Lowlands League.

Elgin are bottom of League Two and their chairman is a Mr Graham Tatters. Appropriate.

Dont call me Shirley
DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY

Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez’s two goals against Burnley tick the boxes here.

BORN INTO BURBERRY
BORN INTO BURBERRY

No Izak Reids, no Kallum Higginbottoms, no nuffink, Bruv. Innit.

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris – Working, allegedly….
Howard – Rochdale v Preston North End, called at 3-0 on 54min. Finished 3-0
Barney – Eastleigh v Chester, called at 3-0 on 39min. Finished 3-2
BOTH FAILED!

He Sh*ts Goals
HE SH*TS GOALS

Lewis Grabban – (Norwich City) – Nope
Scott Rendell – (Woking) – Nope
Freddie Sears – (Colchester United) – Yay!

MISCELLANY

A few pearls of wisdom from Jeff “Wiggy” Stelling – “The referee’s name is Simon Friend. At the moment, he is friendless!”…..”Linlithgow Rose are wilting in the dying minutes”….”He’s quick, not slow Motion [Kevin motion of Spartans fc]”….”Too much monkey business
from Monkhouse [The Bristol Rovers man had just been sent off].

There were good examples of categories that unfortunately were not on the list – firstly there was a PAGGA! (Eastleigh v Chester, Beckwith v Hughes both went for Violent Conduct on 34min), A Brighton (Tranmere’s Michael Ihikwe scoring at both ends in the game with Stevenage) and a superb Make Ya Ma Proud (Spartans’ Kevin Sivewright, picking up two yellows in 90 seconds , both for dissent).

FINAL SCORES

Arsenal
One
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)

charlton02
Five
Danny Hollands (Portsmouth)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)

sheffield-wednesday-box
Six
Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Grant Holt (Huddersfield Town, on loan from Wigan Athletic)
Kenwyne Jones (Cardiff City)
Kevin Nicholson (Torquay United)

sheffield_united_fc
Three
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jon Stead (Bradford City, on loan from Huddersfield Town)
Kingsley James (Chester)

peterborough-united
Six
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kieran Agard (Bristol City)
Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Scott Griffiths (Luton Town)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN BARNEY AND CHRIS, A HALF EACH FOR THE OWLS AND THE POSH

Game 17 Season 2 (24-27 Oct)

The ‘Bat For Lashes Spooked Under Milk Wood’ (Well it is nearly Halloween) Head-In-Hands League

 


So called due to the birthdays of Bat For Lashes’ Natasha Khan (35, silly name), Peter Firth (61,  star of the much-missed -by me- tv show Spooks), and the centenary of alcoholic welsh poet (are there any other kinds?) Dylan Thomas (he knew Llareggub).

Handcuffs
KNOWN TO THE AUTHORITIES

Troy Deeney.  A repeat offender (in this category!) who I’m sure has grown out of that silly ‘hanging around with lowlifes and kicking a student in the head’ phase

Merson
MERSON VOUS ANGLAIS

Not one.  Indeed, he pronounced Berahino correctly not once, but twice to a stunned audience. Next for The Merse is Seth Nana Ofori-Twumasi…

Steve Claridge
CLARIDGE CLOCK

Jamie Cureton.  18 separate clubs for the lower league journeyman, with an honourable mention to Leon Clarke, who has appeared for 13 different clubs and, at 32, is 7 years younger than Cureton.  But will Clarke ever play for Busan IPark of South Korea?

Glenn & Chris
DIAMOND LIGHTS

There’s two Paul Quinns it would seem; one is the mild mannered Janitor….er…. Ross County player, who scored on Saturday and wears the traditional centre back’s number of er… 43.  The other is the long-serving lead guitarist of metal band SAXON, Barnsley’s contribution to world culture.

Nicklas Bendtner
BENDTNER!

Stephen Jordan.  The oft-injured former Man City left-back has now managed 2 goals in 208 league games. Comparisons with Halley’s Comet can be judged to be “fair”.

Legendary Tony Gubba
STEALTH GUB

Chris called Birmingham City v Bournemouth at 0-2 on 37 mins.  This ended up going wayyyyy beyond Gubville and descended into the Wygarde Badlands. But this is Birmingham we’re talking about, so that’s really a home from home. Finished 0-8. That’s EIGHT.

Barney called Falkirk v Cowdenbeath at 3-0 on 35 mins.  Cowdenbeath are the only Semi-Pro team in the Scottish First Division and it shows.  Cowdenbeath also have the lowest ever opening day attendance in recent history, pulling in 79 paying spectators in the 93-94 season.  Start the season as you mean to go on and that. Finished 6-0.

Howard called Preston North End v Fleetwood Town at 0-2 on 40 mins, full of confidence after two early away goals. Joe Garner’s second half hat-trick scuppered our hopes of a trifecta.  A half-time Reverse Churchill worthy of Darren Ferguson, it finished 3-2. Garner has blanked on consecutive occasions when Barney has confidently predicted otherwise, which neatly segues into….

Engaged
HE SH*TS GOALS

Papiss Cisse (Newcastle United) – No
Cody McDonald (Gillingham) – Goose Egg (that would be a no, right?)
Kwasi Appiah (Cambridge United) – Next!

Named in jest clearly. Or sponsored by Imodium.

Zinger
ZINGER

‘Hartley scores for Plymouth, that’ll get them out of a jam’ (c) H. Quick

FINAL SCORES

arsenal-box
Three

Emmanuel Adebayor (Tottenham Hotspur)
Luke Ayling (Bristol City)
Robin van Persie (Manchester United)

charlton02
Seven
Dan Shittu (Millwall)
Frank Nouble (Coventry City)
Leon Clarke (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)x2
Scott Parker (Fulham) – counting double against old club

sheffield-wednesday-box
Four
Barry Corr (Southend United)
Leon Clarke (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Matty Fryatt (Nottingham Forest)
Mike Jones (Oldham Athletic)

sheffield_united_fc
Three
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Stephen Jordan (Fleetwood Town)

peterborough-united
Four
James Wesolowski (Shrewsbury Town)
Peter Grant (Falkirk)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)

OVERALL RESULT: A Week off for Barney as Mat & Emma take this week’s crown!