Game 47 Season 2 (1-4 May)

THE ‘FEAR OF WITHNAIL’S TOAST’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Lily Allen – (30) [cause to celebrate?!?], Withnail & I director Bruce Robinson (69)….ooer… and Matt Berry (41) who was indeed the Toast of London.

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Now this is more like it………
“A Duff tackle from Michael” (Chris, as Michael Duff gets sent off for Burnley)
“He’s scored ‘Ogen'” (Howard)…last week’s almost-Local Boy Makes Good, Junior Ogen appears to be something of a beast in front of goal…
Barney: ‘Raven makes his boss go mad’. SImon Raven, presumably… Not Mike, the ex-DJ and star of “Crucible of Terror” and “Lust For A Vampire”

He Sh*ts Goals
Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – NO
Dominique Malonga (Hibernian) – TICK!
Jed Wallace (Portsmouth) – NO

Known To The Authorities
Nothing. Like those witnesses who disappear….who was it…Raheem X who plays for Liv******? (Censored due to high-priced legal intervention)

Are You My Fag?
No. Now get back in the Commons…

Claridge Clock
Veteran Jamie Cureton (described as “playing when his strike partner wasnt even born yet”) – 18 clubs

Darwinism In Action
Not much action this week,though…

Born In Burberry
Nuffink bruv.

Stealth Gub
Weirdly, nothing listed, which I can only count as an omission (Barney was er… tired and emotional)

Miscellany

The cupboard is bare again this week. We need more ‘A’ Trialists!

The Results

Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers, on loan from Port Vale)
Darren Potter (Milton Keynes Dons)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town) x2
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Jordan Spence (Milton Keynes Dons) – og
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Rob Jones (Doncaster Rovers)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Alex Pritchard (Brentford)
Kieran Agard (Bristol City) x2
Kwesi Appiah (Cambridge United)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

Harry Arter (Bournemouth)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Bristol City) x2
Nico Yennaris (Wycombe Wanderers, on loan from Brentford)

Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers) – og
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Dominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic)
John Egan (Gillingham)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Stephen Quinn (Hull City)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE SHEFFIELD CLUBS THIS WEEK. A CITY IS IN MOURNING!

May 11, 2015May 24, 2015

Game 46 Season 2 (24-27 Apr)

THE BRIDGET JONES AND KEN BARLOW AT MOE’S HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Renee Zellwegger, a name with a surprsingly low Scrabble score (46), William ‘guilty’* Roache (83), and voice of Moe Szyslak from The Simpsons (51).

Legal Note – * = “allegedly”

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Nothing here, which is just not remotely believable. I will obviously need to rectify this in the future, but in the meanwhilst er…one on the spot….errrr ‘A Lowe blow for AFC Wimbledon’ (as Ryan Lowe scores to put Bury 2-0 up)

He Sh*ts Goals
Tom Bradshaw (Walsall)
Lewid Grabban (Norwich City)
Gavin Swankie (Forfar Athletic)
The Dread Hand of Barney Strikes Again – ALL ‘NO’s

Make Ya Ma Proud
Not sure if this fits here, but…
Alfreton Town needed to beat promoted Bristol Rovers to stay up. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand……. died like dogs, getting a 7-0 Wham!

Local Boy Makes Good
Ogen Bah Ndanjong (Rangers) should be, but further research notes that he was actually born in Scotland. Also known as Junior Ogen.

Diamond Lights
Ooh Diamond…lights… er no. Just no.

Unpleasant Local Derby
Nothing too offensive this week. Well, except for Stoke City and the accurséd Swansea City being in the top half of the Premiership table, and not ground into dust, as they would in a no doubt fairer and just world*.

Stealth Gub
Bit of an odd one this – only recorded entry is “Burton 2-0 at Northampton on 30 min”. Who and what, where and why, are still a mystery. In any event, it finished 3-1 so “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” to whoever, unless it was me, in which case “Unlucky, son”!

Law Firm
Nothing really here, Lloyd Dyer being the closest. Looking back, this now seems a bit unlikely as this category is almost as commonplace as “Two First Names”

Miscellany

Nothing (there was to a be a short bit mocking Alfreton Town, but this was covered earlier…oh well…

The Results

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Connor Wickham (Sunderland)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Danny Swanson (St Johnstone, on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dean Keates (Wrexham)
Josh Simpson (Crawley Town) – goal counting double against old club
Kieran Agard (Bristol City) x2
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Scott Rendell (Woking)

Dean Parrett (Stevenage)
Michael Turner (Fulham, on loan from Norwich City)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)

Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Ayr United)
Jon Stead (Bradford City, on loan from Huddersfield Town)
Kingsley James (Chester)
Michael Brown (Port Vale)
Nicky Law (Rangers)

OVERALL RESULT: BARNEY’S POSH SIDE BACK TO WINNING WAYS!

May 11, 2015May 11, 2015

Game 45 Season 2 (17-20 Apr)

THE ‘SHARK TRANSFORMS INTO DR. WHO’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of James Woods (68), Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (28) and David Tennant (44).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
“Mint strike from [Simon] Murray” (Arbroath)
“[Tony] Watt makes things brighter for Charlton”
“Nahki [Wells] pi**es off Derby” (Neil)

He Sh*ts Goals
Barry Corr (Southend United) – NO
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – YES, WORSE LUCK!
Gavin Reilly (Queen of the South) – NO

,,,And Stay Out!
Jordan Chapell (Sheffield United – Torquay United – Grimsby Town)
Adam Rooney (Macclesfield Town – Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Birmingham City – Aberdeen)

Fresh Hell
Accrington Stanley captain Nicky Hunt gets into his managers’ good books by getting sent off for violent conduct on TWO MINUTES!

It Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Nuthin’ indeed

Darwinism In Action
Not in evidence this week

Bendtner!
Kelly Youga (Crawley Town) – first goal in 4 years
Oscar Gobern (Huddersfield Town) – first goal in 3 years

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Milton Keynes Dons v Leyton Orient at 3-0 on 37min – Finished 6-1 – GUB!!
Howard – called Blackpool v Fulham at 0-1 on 45min – Finished, would you believe, 0-1?! – FAILED!
Chris – called Luton Town v Hartlepool United at 2-0 on 14 min – Finished 3-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Nothing

The Results

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jon Shaw (Gateshead)
Luke Foster (Southport)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest) x2
Ryan Lowe (Bury)

Alex Pritchard (Brentford)
Jaanai Gordon (Nuneaton Town, on loan from West Ham United)
Scott Griffiths (Luton Town)

Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Darren Ward (Crawley Town, on loan from Swindon Town)
Kelly Youga (Crawley Town)
Mark Hudson (Huddersfield Town)
Simon Walton (Stevenage)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)

Billy Clarke (Bradford City) – counting double against old club
Billy Paynter (Carlisle United)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jordan Chappell (Grimsby Town, on loan from Torquay United)
Simon Walton (Stevenage)

OVERALL RESULT: A THREE-WAY TIE. HALF A POINT APIECE FOR THE BLADES, CHARLTON AND WEDNESDAY!

May 10, 2015

Game 44 Season 2 – (10-13 Apr)

THE ‘CARRIE MATHESON’S ROAD RAGE IN TOP GEAR’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Claire Danes (36), Cerys (not a patch on Sleeper) Matthews (46) and The Clarkson Beast (55)

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Sam earned his ‘Corne’ for Welling (Barney). I find it difficult to believe no-one else had one here, but there you go.

He Sh*ts Goals
Joe Garner (Preston North End) – NO
Bakary Sako (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – NO
Declan McManus (Greenock Morton) – TICK!

Day Trip To Brighton
No-one fancying a gay old time

Reverse Churchill
The half-time score – Ayr United 2 Peterhead 1.
The full time score – Ayr United 2 Peterhead 4.
Inspirational!

Are You My Fag?
James Ward-Prowse (Southampton)
You could be in the cabinet with a name like that..

Where’s Russell Martin?
Morecambe 3-1 Portsmouth. That’s a long way back… 298 miles!

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Barnet v Halifax Town at 3-0 on 65 min – Finished 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard – called Sunderland v Crystal Palace at 0-2 on 50min – Finished 1-4 – FAILED!
Chris – called Millwall v Watford at 0-2 on 60 min- Finished 0-2 – FAILED!

Law Firm
Shooting fish in a barrel…

Ellis Harrison (Bristol Rovers) / Zander Diamond (sounds more like a David Bowie persona-Northampton Town) / Jordon Brown (Peterhead) / Durrell Berry (Cheltenham)-?check

Miscellany

Ben Clark – Gateshead captain. Yellow card for highly-dubious tackle. Moaning about it to the ref gets a red. That’s the right example for your team-mates!

The Results

Barry Corr (Southend United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Connor Wickham (Sunderland)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Vadaine Oliver (Mansfield Town on loan from Crewe Alexandra)

Alex Pritchard (Brentford)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Lee Tomlin (Middlesbrough)
Scott Rendell (Woking)
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town)

Darren Bent (Derby County, on loan from Aston Villa)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City)
Simon Walton (Stevenage)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Cesc Fabregas (Chelsea)
Jermaine Pennant (Wigan Athletic)

Darius Henderson (Leyton Orient)
Dominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic) – x2 (counting double against old club) – 4
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Lyle Taylor (Partick Thistle, on loan from Scunthorpe United) x2
Nicky Law (Rangers)x2
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Simon Walton (Stevenage)

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR THE BLADES!

May 2, 2015

Game 43 Season 2 (3-6 Apr)

THE ‘GAZ WILKINSON BLEEDING LOVE FOR 48 HOURS’HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the Easter weekend birthdays of Will Mellor 36, Leona ‘bleeding’ Lewis (30) and Eddie Murphy (54)

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
‘A mint Strike from Murray’ (Chris) – Simon Murray for Arbroath against Annan Athletic
‘It’s “Akinde” of magic from Barnet’ (Howard) – John Akinde scores for Barnet against Nuneaton Town
And….
Sergiu Bus scored 86th minute goal for Sheffield Wednesday at Huddersfield Town – “He could be the last bus!” (Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling). Sadly, this lead lasted three minutes…

He Sh*ts Goals
Will Grigg (Milton Keynes Dons) – two ticks!
Christian Eriksen (Tottenham Hotspur) – NO
Joe Pigott (Southend United) – NO

Cavendish To Wiggy
Thwarted due to pub’s insistence on having music and no sound. Philistines!

Local Boy Makes Good
Tendayi-Darikwa (Chesterfield)

Fresh Hell
To quote Barn: “John Still, genuine Cockney, spitting pearls” (Luton Town fight back from 2-0 down to win 2-3)

And Tony Pulis (most weeks, usually) whose West Bromwich Albion went down 4-1 at home to Queen’s Park Rangers in a relegation six-pointer

Claridge Clock
Jennison Myrie-Williams (Tranmere Rovers) – 11 clubs at only age 25. They must LOVE him…

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Forest Green v Chester at 0-3 on 23min – Finished – 1-4 FAILED!
Howard – called West Bromwich Albion v Queen’s Park Rangers on 43min at 0-3 – Finished 1-4 – FAILED!
Chris – called Wrexham v Alfreton Town at 3-0 on 40min – Finished 4-0 – FAILED!

You’re Not A Kid Anymore
Matty Taylor (Bristol Rovers) – And you are how old…?

Miscellany

Morecambe v Accrington Stanley – a true unpleasant local derby lived up to its name – sideline Pagga and deserved red card apiece for either side.

Blackpool relegated with 6 games left – the first club in Britain to be relegated this season. Well done!

The Results

Barry Corr (Southend United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – og
Kenwyne Jones (Bournemouth, on loan from Cardiff City)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)
Richard Wood (Crawley Town, on loan from Rotherham United)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City, on loan from Blackpool)

Charlie Lee (Stevenage)
David Ball x2 (Fleetwood Town)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Scott Rendell (Woking)
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town)

Darren Bent x2 (Derby County, on loan from Aston Villa) – one each in the two games in this period
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Richard Wood (Crawley Town, on loan from Rotherham United)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)

Benik Afobe x2 (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – one each in the two games in this period

Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – og
Darius Henderson (Leyton Orient)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Izale McLeod (Crawley Town)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City, on loan from Blackpool)

OVERALL RESULT: DEAD-HEAT BETWEEN UNITED AND CHARLTON WITH A MIGHTY NINE!