Season 3 Game 06 (Midweek Madness 25-26 Aug)

THE ‘MARS ATTACKS STUPID GIRL ALISON’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Tim Burton (57), Elvis Costello (61) and Garbage’s Shirley Manson (49).

Miscellany

Declan Gallagher, who was sentenced to 3 years back in June for attacking a Glasgow couple with a baseball bat, scored for Livingston while on appeal. Let’s hope his alleged victims were not St Mirren fans…

This may have been given a different title by Barney, and could possibly have included a reference to camp rocker Rob Halford (64).

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeDanny Mayor (Bury)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
James Tavernier (Rangers)


TwoDwight Gayle (Crystal Palace)
Peter Grant (Falkirk)

charlton02
FiveMartyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Scott Sinclair (Aston Villa) x3
Yann Kermorgant (Bournemouth)


OneJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Queen’s Park Rangers)


ThreeChristian Nade (Hamilton Academical)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Nick Blackman (Reading)

OVERALL RESULT: IN A TIGHT CONTEST, EX-MANCHESTER CITY BENCHWARMER SCOTT SINCLAIR MADE THE DIFFERENCE FOR CHARLTON!

Season 3 Game 05 (21-24 Aug)

THE ‘HEROES MILKSHAKES CAUSE LITTLE EARTHQUAKES’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Hayden Panettiere, who was 26, Kelis, 36, and Tori Amos 52.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney
– ‘Sparkes fires up Braintree’ [Daniel Sparkes]
Howard – ‘Is it Burns’ night at Queens Park’ [Sean Burns, with the winner there]
Chris – ‘Deacon gives Cambridge the blues’ [grr…ex-Gunner Roarie Deacon]

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Kemar Roofe (Oxford United) – Yes
Michael Antonio (Nottingham Forest) – No
James Constable (Eastleigh) – Nope. Scored midweek though, like that matters.


And stay out!,,,And Stay Out!
Home Park is where we’ll be seeing some business in this category, as former Ross County boss Derek Adams is the Plymouth manager and has bought down Jake Jervis, (who has been on here before) and Graham Carey (who hasn’t) whose previous clubs are Huddersfield, St Mirren and Ross County. That’ll do.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Brilliantly, Tony Craig is back at Millwall for a third time. But he didn’t score and neither did anyone else who’d qualify.


Fresh HellFresh Hell
Morecambe’s Jim Bentley claims he is ‘proud of his players’ after a three-goal reverse led to the 3-3 away draw against Portsmouth.

Bromley’s Mark Goldberg’s reaction to conceding two goals in stoppage time to winless Halifax can be gleaned by the signing of venerable centreback Ben Chorley, a player so aged he appeared for Wimbledon (the real one). The Ravens’ website states ‘Bromley FC would like to thank the 73 fans who travelled to the game’.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Jermaine Easter, Stephen Dobbie and Jake Jervis have all passed the 12 club threshold, but Richard Brodie’s 12 clubs at 28 is the winner, purely because he was our original ‘He S£$%s Goals’ back when we were offline and it was all trees around here, black and white telly etc.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
It can only be Barnsley v Bradford City, though Walsall v Coventry City is pretty grim, but is saved by Walsall being the mighty Noddy Holder’s hometown.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Fleetwood Town v Colchester United at 3-0 on 50min
– Finished 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Kilmarnock v Ross County at 0-3 on 33min
– Finished 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Forfar Athletic v Stenhousemuir, called 2-0 on 27min
– Finished 4-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Grimsby Town’s Matt Robinson completed a rare ‘Brighton’ in the 2-2 draw with Torquay United – scoring late on to equalise his earlier blunder. Funny how these seem to go on when not listed as an individual category….

Also – Bryan Prunty scored. Twice. That is all. All hail the Prunty…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixDanny Mayor (Bury)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Kenwyne Jones (Cardiff City)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone) X2
Tom Soares (Bury)


FourCraig Mackail-Smith (Luton Town)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Rotherham United)
Russell Martin (Norwich City)

charlton02
TwoPaul Benson (Luton Town)
Tom Soares (Bury)


FourJay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Roarie Deacon (Crawley Town) X2
The accursed Samir Nasri (Manchester City)


TwoAndrew Davies (Ross County)
Scott Boden (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: ANOTHER WIN FOR CHRIS AND THE OWLS!

Season 3 Game 04 (Midweek Madness 18-19 Aug)

THE “GRACE KELLY’S LIONS, LAMBS AND MAD DOGS” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Mika, Robert Redford and Martin “Mad Dog” Allen. Only the Lions and Lambs require explanation. Apparently, this is a pinko commie film with the star of  “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” Redford.

Miscellany

On these midweek editions, it would be nice to see more, but all we have for you this week is:

Bradford City v Gillingham – James Hanson does a ‘Brighton‘. But for his intervention, his Bradford teammates would have gone away with a draw. Final score 1-2.

Rory McAllister of Peterhead. The man known as The Plumber (his main trade, we believe, and one more lucrative than a full-time contract) scored all his team’s five goals in an away 5-3 win at Falkirk. Rumours that Manchester City were interested were quashed soon after they were informed he wasn’t currently playing for Arsenal…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveBarry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Tom Soares (Bury)


ThreeKieran Agard (Bristol City)
Lewin Nyatanga (Barnsley)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

charlton02
TwoLeon Clarke (Bury)
Tom Soares (Bury)


TwoBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)


FourAndy Taylor (Walsall)
Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers) x2

OVERALL RESULT: I’LL JUST SAY WELL DONE CHRIS…

Season 3 Game 03 (14-17 Aug)

THE “WHO’S THAT GIRL CARRYING ON IN THE OFFICE” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Madonna, who was 57, Carry On’s Jim Dale (80 years young) and Steve Carell (he’s American, you know… and 53???) all on the 16th August.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Chris
– regrettably distracted by the thought of buying something called ‘Sink The Bismarck!’, an alcoholic beverage rated at 41%. Well, that’s Barney’s theory. He doesn’t drink you know…well, that’s what he tells the ladies…(and myself and Chris, of course!)
Howard – ‘MacClean finds cavity in the Dundee defence’
Barney – Mayor gets Bury’s vote’

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Jacob Murphy
(Coventry City) – FAILED!
Fred Oyendinma (Millwall) – FAILED! – though he scored twice in midweek. *Fume*
Tom Pope (Bury) – SCORED! He pleased all his followers with a goal in the 4th minute.


Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Nothing here. Maybe put off by the 10% rise in Network Rail pay packets…er…I mean, in ticket prices.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Dunfermline’s Faissal El-Bahktoui is a season ticket holder here, but the excellently named Nigerian Smart Osadolor’s maiden goal for Annan takes the treasure.
Former Athletico Madrid striker Dani Lopez scored on his domestic debut for Inverness Cally. Barney claimed this “doesn’t count for ‘Local Boy’ as previous clubs were Barnet and Stevenage.”. Au contraire. Born in Las Rozas de Madrid? Yep, that counts. It may not be as impressive, though…

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Come on down, Cheltenham’s Amari Morgan-Smith and administer a beating to your fags. Barney says they will thank you for it in later life. Obviously this happens every day in a Public School. Hmmm….

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Those Newcastle fans who endured a 2-0 reverse at the Liberty Stadium in Swansea will no doubt have been blaming Mike Ashley for the 708 mile round trip.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– Dunfermline Athletic v Cowdenbeath called at 3-0 on 21 mins – Finished 7(SEVEN!)-1 – MULLAH-ING!
Howard
– called Celtic v Inverness Caledonian Thistle at 2-0 on 13 mins – Finished 4-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Millwall v Coventry City, called at 0-3 on 25 mins – Finished 0-4 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Barney discovered that McCoy’s is ‘The official crisp partner of the Football League’ (I do hate those unofficial crisps…)

A few other scores of note. In the FA Cup Qualifying – Extra Preliminary Round, it was a Lubbock+ for Coleshill Town, who were fishing Ellesmere Rangers out of the metaphorical pool after a 11-0 defeat.

Goals were also a-plenty in the Highland Football League. Supporting evidence:-

Clachnacuddin 12-2 Rothes
Wick Academy 8-1 Fort William
Deveronvale 1-8 Formartine United

(Old joke coming up) – those are of course, the scores and not the number of fans.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenBarry Corr (Cambridge United) x2
Danny Mayor (Bury)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


TwoRussell Martin (Norwich City)
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town)

charlton02
OneMartyn Waghorn (Rangers)


NilNone. Well done, lads..


EightBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Christian Nade – (Raith Rovers)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: COULD HAVE GONE EITHER WAY, BUT LUFFY’S BLADES CONTINUE THEIR FINE START TO THE SEASON!

Season 3 Game 02 (Midweek madness 11-12 August)

THE THOR RIDES PALPATINE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Thor actor Chris Hemsworth was 32 on the 11th, guitarist Andy Bell hit 45 also on the 11th, whilst Ian MacDiarmid, who plays something called Emperor Palpatine in something called the Star Wars series, blew out 71 candles on the same day.

It’s the usual midweek slimline edition for the usual lazy reasons so here’s the scores:

Miscellany

Of course, this edition came as a complete surprise to me (thanks Barney!)

It was a very fair game at …. MK Dons v Leyton Orient – both gifted each other a goal (Dean Lewington and Mathieu Baudry respectively). MK took it eventually though 2-1.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
10Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Chesterfield)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Jon Shaw (Gateshead)
Leon Clarke (Bury) x2
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest) x2
Will Keane (Preston North End, on loan from Manchester United)


TwoJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town)

charlton02
SixJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Jose Semedo (Sheffield Wednesday)
Leon Clarke (Bury) x2
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Paul Benson (Luton Town)


TwoBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)    1
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Queen’s Park Rangers)    1


FiveBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Jordan Chappell (Chester)
Matt Hill (Tranmere Rovers)
Scott Boden (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: Barney says- “The first week of what will no doubt be an arduous season for all who read this ends with both Sheffield teams taking a point each. I can only hope this unusual lack of proficiency amongst ex-Peterborough players continues.” I say “Your time will come!” as Chris and The Owls (and JUST The Owls) take the points this time.

Season 3 Game 01 (7-10 August 2015)

THE ‘Meredith Vickers and Sarah Platt’s Californication’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Prometheus’ Charlize Theron hitting the big four-oh on the 8th, Coronation Street’ Tina O’Brien celebrating her 32nd on the same day and David Duchovny’s 55th birthday on the 9th.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Because we suffered for our art, now it’s your turn…

Chris – ‘Moses parts the Wrexham net’ – Moses Emmanuel’s goal on 43 minutes in Bromley’s win over Wrexham
Howard – ‘Southport arrested by Constable’ – James Constable’s late strike for Eastleigh against Southport
Barney – ‘Bitches Bru for Brentford’ Kevin Bru’s first league goal for Ipswich is ruined by Barney’s pun.

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Farad El-Aligui – Hibernian – Afraid not.
Benik Afobe – Wolverhampton Wanderers – Why, Yes!
Jordy Hiwula – Huddersfield Town- Oh, No.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
This category was always likely to come up with the aces, and so it’s proved with Rotherham’s Danny Collins’ own goal on debut being surpassed by Southport’s captain and debutant Andrei Jones going for a second bookable. Eastleigh’s Jamie Turley scores from subsequent free-kick to make it 0-2 in an eventual ‘good seeing-to’.
For the record, Barney added:
Further research (Yes, research, damn you!) reveals that both Kane Hemmings and Andrei Jones are former Barnsley players. Apt.
Quite what that means, is a secret to only him…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Every goalscorer appears to have avoided a-boardin with the warden [Note: Barney wrote 95% of this]. For those of you who can’t go without your footballing indiscipline fix, type ‘Paul McGowen Guilty’ into Google. He clearly does not love a man in uniform.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Nothing. Must have charted just out of the Top 40…

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Kane Hemmings of Dundee scored early on his debut. This would’ve also handsomely qualified for ‘Law Firm’ but that’s no longer a category. Austerity measures and all that (and it’s far too easy to get).

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Brechin City v Dunfermline at 0-3 on 30 min – Finished 1-6, despite a scare when David Weatherston got a late goal back – GUB!
Howard
– called Elgin City at 0-2 on 43 min – Finished 0-3 despite a man advantage for Elgin. Pure skive! – FAILED!
Chris
– called Leicester City v Sunderland at 3-0 on 30 min – Finished 4-2 – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Barney writes:
A disappointingly mature set of net-busters over the weekend. I actually thought I’d selected ‘Are you my fag?’as a category rather than this title. Alas, not the case, as Reuben Noble-Lazarus would’ve filled that niche with change to spare – but he scored against Posh so I’d rather not say anymore – spookily enough, he is a former Barnsley player t’boot… :-0

[Exactly what is this Barnsley obsession, Barney??]

Miscellany

Nothing. Other than a worrying obsession with the Tykes…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixAdedeji Oshilaja (Gillingham, on loan from Cardiff City) – but it was against the Blades, so this is probably acceptable, eh Chris?
Barry Corr (Cambridge United) x2
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Ross Barkley (Everton)


OneJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)

charlton02
FourJack Munns (Cheltenham Town)
Darren Ambrose (Colchester United)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Leon Clarke (Bury)

TwoBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)

 NineBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
John Egan (Gillingham)-counting double against the Blades
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Kyle Walker (Tottenham Hotspur) og
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: So the opening tourney reveals a reasonably comfortable success for Mr Luff, but of course, the season is a marathon and not a sprint, George…