Season 3 Game 11 (25-28 Sep 2015)

THE ‘JIM ROYLE’S FILTH IS THE WEAKEST LINK’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ricky Tomlinson (76), Irvine Welsh (57) and – wink – Anne Robinson (71!).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard
‘Alexis [Sanchez] is building a dynasty at Arsenal’
Chris ‘It’s a F.A.B. goal for Virgil [Van Dijk] at Southampton’
Barney ‘Elgin’s [Craig] Gunn – His aim is true’

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Nothing for either [Graziano] Pelle of Southampton or [Jake]Jervis at Plymouth. However, the goalscoring behemoth formerly known as Moses Adebayo wishes to be titled Moses Emmanuel from hereon in and he got a couple for Bromley.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Tony Pulis at West Brom’s exemplary halftime intervention: 2-0 up at half-time, but 2-3 down at full-time. Maybe he wasn’t wearing his lucky baseball cap…

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
it’s a sorry state of affairs when this category tanks twice in a row. So here’s some nice music…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
It’s an unusual event for one match to make two separate categories but Tony Pulis surely welcomed his charges in with tea and biscuits and a good slapping after they shipped three goals in the second half against Everton to lose 2-3. Allegedly.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Jermaine Easter at Bristol Rovers and Ben Strevens of Eastleigh just make the cut with 10 clubs each.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Rochdale fans will have thoroughly enjoyed that trip to Millwall to see their team get beaten 3-1. Approx 228 miles each way, approximately 8 hours travelling in total. Ouch.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Southport v Grimsby Town at 0-3 on 31 min – Finished 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called a tactical Stealth Gub at Manchester United, who were winning 2-0 at Sunderland on 43 minutes. It was all to save Dick Advocaat’s job, honerst!  The magic kind of worked, as the scoring stopped at 3-0, but a few weeks later, Dick resigned – FAILED!
Chris
– called Bromley v Chester at 2-0 on 37min – Finished 3-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Both Stenhousemuir and Southport’s player-coaches led from the front – in terms of being first back to the dressing rooms, as straight reds were handed out to Colin McMenamin and Gary Jones. Both for violent conduct too. Must be the pressure, Brian…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveGary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Leon Clarke (Bury) x2
Reda Johnson (Coventry City)


ThreeBen Nugent (Crewe Alexandra)
Izale McLeod (Notts County)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)

charlton02
NineCameron Stewart (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Ipswich Town)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Darren Bent (Derby County)
Izale McLeod (Notts County)
Leon Clarke (Bury) x2
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x3


OneLuke Freeman (Bristol City)


SixDominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic)
Izale McLeod (Notts County)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Simon Lappin (St Johnstone)

OVERALL RESULT: ANOTHER CLEAR WINNER FOR OUR SOUTHERN CHAPTER, AS CHARLTON TAKES THE POINT!

Season 3 Game 10 (Midweek Madness 22-23 Sept)

THE ‘STELLA’S LIGHT LUNCH IN NEBRASKA’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Ruth Jones (49), Sue Perkins (Barney’s intended, 46) and Bruce Springsteen (66).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
“Leicester ‘Dodoo’ whilst West Ham ‘don’t-don’t” (I, Howard, must own up to that one)

Miscellany

Whammings are always worth a mention – so well done Ross County who hammered Falkirk 7-0. I know it’s a midweek game, but surely SOME of the Falkirk team could have turned up?!

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeJames Tavernier (Rangers)
Jon Shaw (Gateshead)
Ross Barkley (Everton)


FourDwight Gayle (Crystal Palace) x3
Liam Dickinson (Guiseley)

charlton02
TwoHarry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Lee Cook (Eastleigh)


TwoRhys Murphy (Oldham Athletic)
Vito Mannone (Sunderland) og


TwoNick Blackman (Reading)
Simon Lappin (St Johnstone)

OVERALL RESULT: IN A LOW-SCORING EDITION, POSH TAKE THE SPOILS THANKS TO DWIGHT GAYLE!

Season 3 Game 09 (18-21 September)

THE BATMAN’S GRIM MIS-SHAPES HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Batman legend Adam West (87), The Thin Blue Line’s David Haig (60; Haig was Inspector Grim) and Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker (52, sort that vagrant beard out.)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
It does not compute that there were no zingers this week. What about “[Andy] Butler serves up a goal for Doncaster”? Not exactly vintage, but better than nothing Barney (you! yes….you!) provided…

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Barney fires blanks again with noughts all around for Barrow’s Andy Cook, Brighton’s Tomer Hemed and Mansfield’s Matt Green. Firing blanks is nothing new for Barney as at least three of his exes would attest (his words, by the way, and clearly TMI).

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
It’s a rare beast when this occurs, which is another way of saying ‘It didn’t happen’…well, this time lightning DID strike twice – Northampton Town midfielder Joel Byrom netted at both ends in their 4-2 away win at Morecambe. If that wasn’t enough, Bradford City’s James Meredith got 50% of the goals in Sunday’s Yorkshire derby at home to Sheffield United. The game finished 2-2.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Billy McKay was a regular on our ‘He S$!£s Goals’ section when he was at Inverness Caledonian Thistle. Alas, McKay, being familiar with the 21st century, failed to settle after his £900k move to Wigan and is back in Scotland at Dundee Utd…where he scored against said Invercally, and didn’t celebrate.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Rotherham United’s Norwich loanee Vadis Odjidja-Ofoe [Belgium]early strike might have been bettered by Xavier Vidal’s goal for Welling United, had he not turned out to be English. All were overshadowed by Spain’s Sergio Alvarez, who netted a late effort for Arbroath.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
No less that 5 entries here, but Fleetwood’s Tyler Hornby-Forbes will be getting the toast from a first-former, inheriting a fortune he didn’t earn, becoming a Conservative MP for Surrey Heath and telling us peasant to work bloody harder. [Sorry, we appear to have let Jeremy Corbyn input this paragraph. Vote Dalek!]

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
A big hello to Leeds’ Chris Wood, who also moonlights as the late Traffic multi-instrumentalist and the very-much-living British folk virtuoso.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Stenhousemuir v Dunfermline at 0-3 on 44 min – Finished 0-5?! – NOT FAILED!
Howard
– called Montrose v East Stirling at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished 2-1! – FAILED!
Chris
– called in ‘sick’

Miscellany

Kevin Mirallas surely Made His Ma proud with a fine nine minute, two yellow card cameo after coming on as a sub for Everton.

Also worth noting was the perfomance from Hyde United, one of the worst teams in any league last season, who Wham-med hapless Stamford 7-1. No really. Thats seven (s-e-v-e-n) one.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
OneMickael Antoine-Curier (Dunfermline)


ThreeAaron McLean (Barnet)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Luton Town)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)

charlton02
FourDavid Mooney (Southend United)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x2
Michael Turner (Sheffield Wednesday, on loan from Norwich City)
Simon Church (Milton Keynes Dons)


TwoJay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Matthew Connolly (Cardiff City) – last minute own goal, as if it wasn’t bad enough already…


ThreeAndy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Nick Blackman (Reading)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR CHARLTON – MAKING A SERIOUS BID FOR THE H-I-H CROWN THIS SEASON!

Season 3 Game 08 (11-13 September)

THE ‘Bilbo’s Yellow Untouchables’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sir Ian Holm (84), Coldplay guitarist Jonny Buckland (38) and Director Brian De Palma (75).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
Nothing rosy in the {Michael} Gardyne for Motherwell
Howard: Michael Rankine is Uptown Top…
Chris:Preston makes Dunfermline Ordinary Boys. (Barney judged this one the winner, though at the risk of seeming ungracious, I believe it was used last season. Points for recycling though. It’s good for the planet and all that. My vote for the top Zinger is probably the Gardyne one.)

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Omar Bogle (Grimsby Town) – SCORED TWICE!! – He will learn to defy the dread hand of Barney…
Osman Sow (Heart of Midlothian) – FAILED!
Jay O’Shea (Chesterfield) – FAILED!

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Blank. This week’s crop of players being far too er…manly (?)

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Velon Behrami’s mother wipes away a prideful tear as her son gets a red on his Watford debut.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
No acts of satisfying revenge were carried out this week. Must try harder.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Forest Green’s Keanu Marsh-Brown has been down this here road before (to quite Whitesnake), so the trophy goes to Kilmarnock’s Kallum Higginbotham, who will be collecting the accolade in his Nissan Micra with a spoiler on the back and tinted windows. That’s Callum….with a K. Innit.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Gillingham v Blackpool at 1-0 on 15 min – Finished 2-1!- FAILED!
Howard
– called Birmingham City v Bristol City at 3-1 on 48 min – Finished 4-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called St Johnstone v Hamilton Academical at 3-0 on 43 min – Finished 4-1 – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Charlie Walker at Aldershot, come on down and take your Chopper with you (oo-er missus)!

Miscellany

The big news this week was the always-welcome return of A Trialist, scoring for Annan Athletic. Despite his return, Annan went down 4-2.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Daniel Jones (Chesterfield)
Eddie Nolan (York City)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone) x3


EightCharlie Lee (Stevenage)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Izale McLeod (Notts County) x2
Lewin Nyatanga (Barnsley) x2 {1 as an own goal}
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Shrewsbury Town)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

charlton02
FourIzale McLeod (Notts County)x2
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)


FourBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Rhys Murphy (Oldham Athletic)


FiveIzale McLeod (Notts County)x2
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Nicky Law (Rangers)
Ritchie de Laet (Leicester City)

OVERALL RESULT: A SURPRISING WIN FOR BARNEY!

Season 3 Game 07 (28-31 Aug)

THE ‘THING’S DOG DAYS UP THE JUNCTION’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of slapheaded actor Michael Chiklis (52), Florence Welch (29), and Glenn Tilbrook (58).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard – ‘Clyde’s [Sean] Higgins snookers East Stirling’
Barney – ‘Jermaine Lens opened a few eyes with that goal’

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
After a far-too-promising start to the season, it’s back to blank for Barney as Dunfermline’s El-Bahktoui, Stoke’s Diouf and Gateshead’s Bowman fail to trouble the scorer.

Pagga!Pagga!
Bank Holiday fun and games at Aggborough, where Kidderminster’s Luke Maxwell and Braintree’s Alex Woodyard involved themselves in a physical debate surrounding the circumstances of the former’s tackle on the latter. Referee suggested they discussed said matter in opposite dressing rooms. Or ‘in t’boozer’…

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Torquay’s Chris Hargreaves saw his team concede early to Cheltenham, who then had a player sent off in the 8th minute. Despite the numerical advantage the score remained 0-1 at half-time at Plainmoor. After a ‘stirring’ team talk from the Gulls boss, his players went out and conceded another two, losing 0-3 against a 10 man team for 85 minutes including stoppage time. Ironic applause all round.

Barney reckons “The Non-League Paper” used the pun-tastic headline ‘Gulls##t’ during their report into the whole sorry effort. However, being a suspicious kind of bloke, I cannot find any on-line evidence of this. That’s all I’m saying…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Two borderline cases here – one of the players (Man City striker whose name cannot be mentioned, but cost around £50m in the off-season)’s alleged misbehaviour was settled out of court.

Oxford United striker Danny Hylton’s racially abusive antics garnered him naught but an eight match ban and no action from Mister Plod.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Unlike the Ashley Madison users, this is a more straightforward affair. Blackpool (23rd) 0-4 Walsall (3rd). Textbook.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Another tricky case here, as Oldham Athletic’s Lee Croft bagged his first in 71 games for the club over three spells, starting in 2004. There’s a street called Lee Croft about 20 metres away from Barney’s flat, aka El Rancho Barnero. Maybe this place was what Mr and Mrs Croft had in mind when naming their offspring. Or not.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Sutton Utd v Wealdstone, called at 4-1 on 40 min  – Finished 5-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Stenhousemuir v Cowdenbeath , called at 3-0 on 45min – Finished 4-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called in ‘sick’

Miscellany

A couple of vintage “It Don’t Mean Nuthin‘s” this week, with West Bromwich Albion boss Tony Pulis returning to Stoke City to a round of applause from the home fans, some of which may have been the same ones who had been clamouring for “Pulis Out!” three months earlier.
Barney alleges it was the Stoke City board who fired Pulis as they felt they needed to change their image of roughhouse football. West Brom win 1-0 and Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, including Ibrahim Afellay, who Made His Ma Proud by taking the long walk 27 minutes into his debut.

Also – Keith Hill, who quit Rochdale for the bright lights of Barnsley in 2011 and was out after 18 months with rumours of a major fallout with the board, returning to Rochdale in 2013. The fact that his Rochdale side beat his former team 3-0 must have given him absolutely no pleasure at all…

It may have been mentioned before, but during routine checks, I found that Braintree Town-have a Marks (Sean) and Sparkes (Daniel). They may form a great partnership…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixAdedeji Oshilaja (Gillingham, on loan from Cardiff City)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Kenwyne Jones (Cardiff City)
Michail Antonio (Nottingham Forest)
Reda Johnson (Coventry City)


TwoCraig Mackail-Smith (Luton Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Rotherham United)

charlton02
10Adebayo Azeez (AFC Wimbledon)
Bradley Goldberg (Bromley)
David Mooney (Leyton Orient)
Kadell Daniel (Woking)
Lee Cook (Eastleigh – 1 Saturday and 1 Monday)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x2
Scott Sinclair (Aston Villa) x2


OneJay Simpson (Leyton Orient)

FiveAndrew Davies (Ross County)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Nick Blackman (Reading) x2

OVERALL RESULT: IS THIS THE START OF A TREND? ONE CLEAR WINNER THIS WEEK – CHARLTON!