Season 3 Game 17 (23-26 Oct)

THE ‘CALIFORNIA GIRLS IN AND OUT OF FASHION’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Geoffrey Boycott’s favourite singer Katy Perry (No really) – 31 on the 25th, Kevin Kline (68) and Caprice (44) on the 24th October.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard –
 ‘Turkish delight for Posh’ After Erhun Oztumer’s goal for Peterborough.
Barney – ‘Bristol Rovers can’t ‘Ansah’ Newport’ After Zak Ansah scored for County.

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Danny Philliskirk at Oldham Athletic, Derek Lyle at Queen of the South, Andre Gray at Burnley. All regular scorers, all picked by Barney, all failed to get on the scoresheet. This paragraph is sponsored by the word ‘all’.

Pagga!Pagga!
A fair few players saw red for an unfair lot of tackles, but sadly, no mano et mano acts of pugilism on the pitch. Mind you, Chelsea’s coaching staff gave it a good go.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
It’s Adam Rooney again. Macclesfield Town – Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Birmingham City – Aberdeen.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Walsall’s Dean Smith is doing a very nice job at the Bank’s Stadium on a very limited payroll, Kelly. But his half-time teamtalk at 2-0 up resulted in a 4-4 draw where football was the only winner, George.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
It’s ‘Kargad Gaket’des’ to Forres Mechanics’ Dachi Khutsisivili (It’s Well Done in Georgian)

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
The clock shows…nothing as far as I can see, which is most unusual.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called aYeovil Town v Cambridge City at 0-3 on 35 min – Finished 2-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Dumbarton v Falkirk at 0-3 on 42min – Finished 0-5 – GUB!!!
Chris
– called in sick due to a self-inflicted beer-wound – Finished – 4-0 to the beers and ciders of the Kelham Island beer festival –FAILED!

Miscellany

Cavendish to Wiggy was briefly resurrected by Howard who pointed out ‘That wasn’t Smart from Osadalor’ after the Annan striker went for a second bookable on the half hour. Within seconds Stelling repeated said phrase.

Also a vintage ‘It don’t mean nuthin’ at APAX Stadium, as NO-ONE calls London Road (except Channel 5’s dismal football highlights show). Peterborough United 4 Doncaster Rovers 0. Welcome back Darren Ferguson. [As a Posh fan, this gave Barney no pleasure at all. Smugness rating: 10]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeMarcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)


FourAlfie Potter (Northampton Town)
George Thorne (Derby County)
Josh McQuoid (Luton Town)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

charlton02
SixAdebayo Azeez (AFC Wimbledon)
Darren Ambrose (Colchester United)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Marvin Sordell (Colchester United)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)


FiveAbu Ogogo (Shrewsbury Town)
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town, on loan from Oldham Athletic)
Zak Ansah (Newport County, on loan from Charlton Athletic) x2


NineBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Harry Bunn (Huddersfield Town)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Nyron Nosworthy (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)

OVERALL RESULT: LUFFY, A SURPRISE WINNER FOR THE BLADES!

Season 3 Game 16 (Midweek Madness 20-21 Oct)

THE ‘JUDGE JUDY’S GIN AND JUICE POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Judge Judy Sheindlin (73), Snoop Dogg (44) and Carrie Fisher (59). Snoop’s “Gin and Juice” was on Doggystyle and Carrie was in Postcards From The Edge.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
No pearls this time. But Pearl’s a Zinger.
{Later, I shall be saying 1,000 Hail Mary’s for that effort}

Miscellany

The alternative title for this edition was “Pi, Gin and Juice on the Cribs” – from Life of Pi Director Ang Lee (61 on the 22nd), Snoop Dogg (44 on the 20th) and the Jarman twins in the Cribs (35 on the 21st), but it made little sense to me, hence the slight re-title.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveAlex Bruce (Hull City)
Mark Beevers (Millwall)
Mike Jones (Oldham Athletic)
Rory McArdle (Bradford City)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)


TwoNathaniel Knight-Percival (Shrewsbury Town)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

charlton02
OneMarvin Sordell (Colchester United)


TwoJay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town, on loan from Oldham Athletic)


EightDanny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End) x2
Scott Boden (Newport County)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe)

OVERALL RESULT: MORE OF A BATTLE BETWEEN SHEFFIELD CLUBS – THIS TIME LUFFY IS VICTORIOUS!

Season 3 Game 15 (16-19 Oct)

THE ‘LES McQUEEN IS GOD’S GIFT, THIS MUCH IS TRUE’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Mark Gatiss, Davina McCall and Spandau Ballet’s Gary Kemp. 49, 48 and 56 respectively. Anyone remember Davina in God’s Gift? No? God Awful, more like. And for those like me who didn’t know, Les was one of the many characters played in The League of Gentlemen by Mark Gatiss and profiled HERE.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
In the absence of any written evidence – “Brighton’s first goal was Baldock’s” {Sam Baldock, of course}

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
‘ Oh no I didn’t’ say Forest Green’s Dan Wright, Rochdale’s Peter Vincenti and Dunfermline’s Joe Cardle, who can all now de-clench.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Jesse Joronen (Stevenage) and Alexis Sanchez (Arsenal; again). Morgan Schneiderlin of Manchester United is a maybe.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Nope, despite a promising run of one player, one goal at either end efforts over the past month. Barney’s Mojo strikes again!

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Sylvan Ebanks-Blake and his two goals on Saturday

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
I’m assuming Russell Martin mentioned in the title did the decent thing again and shelled out for some of those Norwich fans who made the 516 mile round trip to Newcastle and saw their team get walloped 6-2.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called at Boots to get some Beechams* for Loss of Voice (he says). We say he was in jail for breach of the Sue Perkins restraining order [*other cold remedies are available]
– FAILED!
Howard
– called Wigan Athletic v Colchester United at 2-0 on 13 min – Finished 5-0 – GUB!
Chris
– called Manchester City v Bournemouth at 2-0 on 12 min – Finished 5-1 – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Blank. No wonder the kid’s crying.

Miscellany

A while back we floated the idea of a category called ‘Destined for Greatness’  based on former Owls Chris Waddle (Tow Law Town) and Michael Williams (Maltby Miners Welfare) previous clubs before they turned pro. Step Forward Millwall’s Lee Gregory who stopped off at Staveley Miners Welfare, Glapwell, Harrogate, Mansfield and Halifax Town, before finding soccer nirvana at the New Den (not really).

Stevenage’s Finnish goalkeeper Jesse Joronen scored a freak goal in their 2-1 win at Wycombe Wanderers.

And finally – Enoch “Ebo” Andoh, who scored in Port Vale’s 1-1 draw at Peterborough United had some great-named previous clubs – King Faisal Babes (in the women’s league??) and Accra Hearts of Oak! And Cumbernauld Colts (this last one may be a lie…).

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-boxSixBarry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Gary Taylor-Fletcher (Tranmere Rovers)
Joe Mattock (Rotherham United)
Mickael Antoine-Curier (Dunfermline)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

ThreeIzale McLeod (Notts County)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Saido Berahino (West Bromwich Albion)

charlton02
FiveCarl Jenkinson (West Ham United, on loan from Arsenal)
Izale McLeod (Notts County)
Jack Munns (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Simon Church (Milton Keynes Dons)


ThreeBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town)


10Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic) 1 goal counting double against old club (2)
Izale McLeod (Notts County)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Joe Mattock (Rotherham United)
Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe)x2

OVERALL RESULT: IT’S ANOTHER TRIUMPH FOR MR. LUFF AND THE BLADES!

Season 3 Game 14 (9-12 Oct)

THE ‘JUST A MINUTE, LET ENGLAND SHAKE – G O R D O N ‘ S  A L I V E ! !’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of veteran broadcaster presenter Nicholas Parsons (92!), PJ Harvey (46) and the mighty BRIAN BLESSED (79).

If you haven’t seen BRIAN BLESSED on Russell Howard’s show – click HERE (Warning: contains some naughty language and SHOUTING – it’s even worth suffering Russell Howard for. Almost. While you’re here have a look at his TomTom narration. It’s almost worth buying a car for.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Only one found, after an exhaustive search – Howard – “{Keith} Lowe darted in” [York defender scored in the 1-1 draw with Luton Town]

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Wigan’s Jordy Hiwula and Elgin’s Craig Gunn had a traffic jam on Bowel Lane but Lincoln’s Matt Rhead’s airways were clear, so to speak…

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
New Fleetwood captain Mark Roberts went during the halftime break for an altercation with a couple of Portsmouth players. Pompey capitalised, scoring two goals in the second half to win 3-1, then had Gareth Evans sent off in stoppage time. Roberts and Evans were both at Fleetwood last season and I’m sure the two erstwhile teammates would’ve enjoyed a friendly chat over a cup of BovrilTM after the game. (Other malt-extract drinks are available)

  • It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
    This also edges into Make Ya Ma Proud territory but former Owl and Addick Richard Wood is out on loan at Fleetwood and celebrated his home debut by scoring an own goal.
    To make it even better, it was:
    * In the 89th minute.
    * Decisive as the game finished 1-0 to Coventry City.
    * Against his former club Coventry, for whom he made over 100 appearances.

The alternative would be Danny Wright, who joined Gateshead from Forest Green in August 2014. Despite scoring 10 goals in the first half of the season, Wright was harshly judged to have ‘failed to really settle’ in a Gateshead team which ‘needed to be shaken up’ and released in January 2015.

It’s now October 2015 and Danny Wright scores his 8th of the season back at Forest Green against Gateshead.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
It’s a blank. We were going so well too.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Newport County brushed aside comments over how their EuroMillions winning chairman Les Scadding’s £££ had bought their way through the divisions. Alas, Scadding has health issues and retired from the board in August.

Coincedentally the club has gone semi-pro, are stone last in League Two, and lost 3-0 to Mansfield Town, who are unexpectedly 4th in the table.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Barnsley’s Alfie Mawson was the early frontrunner but was pipped at the post by Lincoln’s Kegan Everington.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Peterhead v Stenhousemuir at 2-0 on 41 min – Finished 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called St Mirren v Dunfermline at 3-0 on 51 min – Finished 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Northampton Town v Hartlepool United at 2-0 on 20 min – Finished 2-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Some impressively futile journeys were made by National League club fans on Non-League weekend. None more than the 650 mile round trip by road for Barrow’s fans, who witnessed a 5-0 gubbing by Bromley. I wonder how many of the 2,455 attendees were from the North East…?

Bury’s centre-back Nathan Cameron has been interesting a few Championship clubs, including Brighton. Guess what he accomplished at the weekend? No, not a night-club brawl, but a goal at both Ends. A Tommy Hutchison, no less. His 85th minute own goal levelled the tie at 2-all.

And a stirring Half-time team talk by Colchester United’s Tony Humes at 2-0 up saw Shrewsbury Town hit four without reply in the second 45 minutes.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoClinton Morrison (Exeter City)
Richard Wood (Fleetwood Town, on loan from Rotherham United) og


EightChris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Craig Morgan (Wigan Athletic)
Kane Ferdinand (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle) x2
Tommy Rowe (Scunthorpe United, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town) x2

charlton02
ThreeDean Parrett (Stevenage)
Richard Wood (Fleetwood Town, on loan from Rotherham United) og
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)


ThreeJay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2
Roarie Deacon (Crawley Town)


SevenDominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic)
John Egan (Gillingham)
Jordan Chapell (Chester)
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe) x2
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)

OVERALL RESULT: IT WAS CLOSE, BUT BARNEY’S POSH SIDE TAKE THE POINT!

Season 3 Game 13 (2-5 Oct)

THE ‘PUSH AND SHOVE AND SCREAM AT PENFOLD’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Shaun Miller (Morecambe), Gwen Stefani (Lytham St Annes), Neve Campbell (Fleetwood) and Kevin Eldon (Thornton-Clevelys). One of these is a 28-year-old professional footballer. The other three are celebrities aged 46, 42 and 55 respectively. But which is the truth? [Explanation: Gwen Stefani did “Push And Shove”, Kevin ‘Who?’ Eldon is the new Penfold (boooo) and Neve was of course, in Scream, even the unnecessary fourth one]

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard – ‘After that late winner, it’s all quiet on the Preston Front’ {Lewis McGugan’s 96th minute goal made it 3-1 to the Owls} and ‘Lens makes contact’ {as Sunderland go 2-0 up at West Ham, only to draw 2-2}
Barney ‘Luke Chambers brings the thunder’ {Ipswich Town; no further explanation necessary}
Chris was “working today” which could well be the winner, for irony alone. That comment could well come back to haunt Barney when next travelling on a choo-choo.

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Jordan Burrow (Halifax Town) – Er…. NO (See below for more)
Riyad Mahrez (Leicester City) – NO – didn’t get his boots dirty, Manish
Liam Boyce (Ross County), YES! – with the last kick of the game too.

Pagga!Pagga!
Nothing here.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Gary Madine – BBC News reported the events as follows “A Championship footballer is jailed for 18 months for assaulting two fans in separate attacks in nightclubs in Sheffield.” Madine followed up his first two hits with this LINK which claimed to show him denoucing his earlier punchy-punchy ways. BUT, in a dramatic turn of events, Barney, our very own Perry Mason, uncovered this piece of damning evidence, which blew the case wide open all the way to City Hall… LINK:
Good effort in doing much more than the criteria needed to win this category. But you are still no Nile Ranger

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Neil Lennon took “no trash” {is that like “quit your bitching” Barn?} as a player at Leicester and has the reputation of being a similar type of manager. The response the Bolton players got at full-time, having gone 2-0 up after 10 mins to 3-4 at full-time involved a lock-in and a subsequent FA charge against Lennon for comments made about the refereeing of said game.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
It’s the X19 derby between Doncaster and Barnsley (roughly – very roughly – every half an hour during the week, bus fans)

Bendtner!Bendtner!
It’s now 2 in 152 league games for Ivorian full-back Mustapha Dumbuya, though this is meant to be for failing so-called strikers, so I judge him ‘Not Guilty’…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Ayr United v Cowdenbeath at 3-0 on 47 min – Finished – GUB!!
Howard
– called Tranmere Rovers v Bromley at 2-0 on 31 min – Finished 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– AWOL, so therefore – FAILED!

Miscellany

Sergio Aguero’s one-man-gub of Newcastle in 20 minutes is surely worth a mention. As was the debut game for new Halifax Town manager Darren Kelly. Given that he lasted just 4 months at previous club Oldham Athletic, how long will he get at The Shay after losing 7-1 (S-E-V-E-N) at home?

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
11Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Mark Beevers (Millwall)
Rhys McCabe (Dunfermline Athletic)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone) x2


ThreeKrystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Fulham)

charlton02
EightAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Carl Jenkinson (West Ham United, on loan from Arsenal)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jack Munns (Cheltenham Town) x3
Leon Clarke (Bury)


SixBenik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Roarie Deacon (Crawley Town)


NineBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Dominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kevin McDonald (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Kingsley James (Halifax Town)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Nick Blackman (Reading)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe)

OVERALL RESULT: DOUBLE FIGURES FROM CHRIS’ OWLS BLOW THE REST AWAY!

Season 3 Game 12 (Midweek Madness 29-30 Sept)

THE ‘Get it on the boundary with a Sugababe‏’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Marc Bolan (who would have been 68 but cannot technically have a birthday due to the inconvenience of being dead), Sheffield’s finest Michael Vaughan (41) and Keisha Buchanan (31)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
None? I doubt it. Well, in the absence of any data, how about “John leaves Fleetwood with ‘Egan’ their faces” {Gillingham won 5-1}

Miscellany

An excellent display of Darwinism in the Welsh Cup, where five-time winners and current holders The New Saints beat relegated Holywell 7-1.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeLeon Clarke (Bury)
Mark Beevers (Millwall)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)


FiveAaron McLean (Barnet)
Arron Davies (Exeter City)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Shrewsbury Town)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

charlton02
FiveAdebayo Azeez (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Marvin Sordell (Colchester United)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)


NilA Blank!


TwoJohn Egan (Gillingham)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)

OVERALL RESULT: FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS SEASON, THE POINT IS SHARED BETWEEN PETERBOROUGH AND CHARLTON!