Season 3 Game 20 (13-16 Nov)

THE Fat Tony’s Sister Acts Up! HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Joe Mantegna (voice of ‘Fat Tony’ in ‘The Simpsons’), Whoopi Goldberg, and Ed Asner Sr. – respectively 68, 60 and that dangerous age, 86…


‘Cheek kicks Halifax’s ass’ [To be fair, Chris also came up with this in Barney’s absence. But there was a lot to go on with a name like that. We also had “a Cheek-y hat-trick” and ‘it went in off his ‘ass”]
Chris: ‘{Matt} Crooks steals a point for Accrington’ [incidentally – his full name is Matt Davidson Rider Crooks!] – and –
‘There’s no ‘Reason’ for it.’ – as Jai put Eastleigh 4-1 up.
Howard: ‘David’s having a Ball at Fleetwood.’

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Jabo Ibehre at Carlisle United, Padraig Amond at Grimsby Town, and Aiden O’Brien at Millwall all predictably blanked.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Because we’ve actually got this as a category, no action this week.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Woking 2-5 Macclesfield. Woking manager Garry Hill alluded to ‘Things going on behind the scenes’ and stated ‘As a club, a team and a manager, we are in for a very hard winter’. Too right…

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Crewe’s AJ Leitch-Smith scored, just about makes the grade, though he may be called upon to visit the housemaster at some strange hour…
There was also Aaron Taylor-Sinclair at Doncaster Rovers, and ‘journeyman’ Sylvain Ebanks-Blake, now at Chesterfield.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Coventry’s striker Jacob Murphy had a fairly productive 11 games at Colchester last season, whilst on loan from Norwich. He’s now loaned out at Coventry and gave fans a reminder of his talents, scoring twice against the Essex club.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Some sterling efforts this week, none more than the bus-load of Torquay fans who travelled a grim 696 miles there and back to Barrow, receiving a 4-0 good seeing-to in the process. Honourable mention to Gateshead’s fans, who enjoyed the 386 mile round trip and another 4-0 reverse from Wrexham.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Halifax Town v Braintree Town at 0-3 on 38 min – Finished 3-6 – FAILED!
– called Falkirk v Alloa Athletic at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished – a 5-0 GUB! [Odd that despite the textual evidence, this was not spotted by Barney. I sense conspiracy…]
– called Southport v Cheltenham Town at 0-3 on 35 min – Finished 0-4 – FAILED!


The season’s barely halfway through and Darren Kelly has collected 2 P45s, from Oldham and now Halifax. Halifax have gone part-time after the Jamie Vardy money has run out and they lost their best player Matt Pearson, to the bright lights of er…. Accrington Stanley!

The Results

TwoJon-Paul McGovern (Clyde)
Leon Clarke (Bury)

FourDavid Ball (Fleetwood Town) – 1 counting double against old club
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)
Shaun Jeffers (Yeovil Town)

FourBradley Pritchard (Leyton Orient)
Danny Green (Luton Town)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Leon Clarke (Bury)

NilAnother clean sheet. Well done, lads!

FiveBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Dominic Poleon (Oldham Athletic)
John Egan (Gillingham)
Scott Boden (Newport County)


Season 3 Game 19 (6-9 Nov)

THE ‘American Pie, In Demand from Hell’s Kitchen’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Tara Reid (39), Sharleen Spiteri and Gordon Ramsey (both 48).


Chris: CBA
Howard: ‘[Conor} Washington puts Burton in a state’ .

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) – Yay!
Adam Rooney (Aberdeen) – Yay!
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient) – No! (Thank god)

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Nicky Ajose would qualify, but Birmingham’s Viv Solomon-Otabor’s first goal for the Midland Blues takes the gold.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Exemplary conduct from Fulham’s James Husband, who rolled up two yellows for late tackles within seconds.

Barrow’s on-loan Preston defender Nick Wilmer-Anderton, returning from a broken leg, received a ‘good luck on your season debut’ message from boss Darren Edmondson and a ‘Good Riddance’ from the referee on 78 minutes for Foul And Abusive Language, leaving Barrow down to 9 players for the last 12 minutes.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
It’s Chris Wood again, the late Traffic multi-instrumentalist. Or the Leeds United striker. YOU decide…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
A timely return for this category during cup week, where “Plucky” Wealdstone (to give them their full name) were wiped 2-6 by Colchester at the ahem…. stadium, with a one-man Good Seeing-To by South African striker Macauley Bonne to boot (more of whom below).

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Macauley Bonne might qualify, but he does have the excuse of being a foreigner. Barney suggested Nicky Ajose, for some reason, but I think this is just bitterness as the ex-Posh man scored this week.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Forfar Athletic v Airdrieonians at 0-3 on 29 min – Finished 2-3 – FAILED!
– called Fulham v Birmingham City at 0-3 on 36 min – Finished 2-5 – FAILED!
– called in sick. Barney: “absent, throwing money onto bonfires no doubt” – FAILED!


A week after we stuck the ‘Bendtner!’ category into deep-freeze as no striker of recent vintage has been as unprolific as the ex-Arsenal goalpost, Nicky (who is 28, and Not A Kid Anymore) Maynard scores his first goal in 15 months. Timing is everything, as Bentdner wouldn’t say.

As it wasn’t on the Categories list this time, there was a ‘Brighton‘ from Elgin City’s Darryl McHardy, scoring first at the right end, then conceding at the wrong one. Fortunately for him, it didn’t matter as his side triumphed 3-2 over the mighty Annan Athletic. Not the biggest mistake he’s made, as further investigation reveals.

The Results

11Clinton Morrison (Exeter City)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town) x3
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United, on loan from Bury)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Kenwyne Jones (Cardiff City)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Paul Heffernan (Queen of the South)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)

[Barnet also noted Darren Purse, scoring for Staines, but the Isthmian league is where there be dragons…And isn’t 11 enough??] 

EightChris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Jeff Hughes (Cambridge United)
Josh McQuoid (Luton Town) x2
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale) x3
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

FiveAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic) 
Leon Clarke (Bury) 
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x2
Marvin Sordell (Colchester United)

Matthew Connolly (Cardiff City)

Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale) x3
[Barney noted Danny Webber’s goal for Salford City, but this is a league or two…or three… below what we check for, so it doesn’t really count. However, it is noted. We are watching you, Mister…]


Season 3 Game 18 (30 Oct – 2 Nov)

THE Goodness Gracious Me, The Saturdays have Lovely Bones HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sanjeev Bhaskar (52), Vanessa White (26) and Peter Jackson (54).


Howard: ‘It’s number 2 for the plumber’ After Ryan McAllister’s second for Peterhead (for more, see the Miscellaneous section).
{I also had “Chester are being torn to pieces by Parkin”, which works if you are aware of Leonard Parkin’s “Pieces of Parkin” tv show}

Chris: ‘{Craig} Hastings goes into battle for East Kilbride’

Barney: – was clearly in awe of Howard’s top drawer zinger (?!) and didn’t bother to compete.

He Shi*s GoalsHe Sh*ts Goals
Odion Ighalo (Watford) – two goals!
Josh Windass (Accrington Stanley) – one goal! (“Smashin'”, says Windass Sr.)
Craig Moore (Ayr United) – no goal!

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
A controversial one here as whilst Barrow’s David Symington fits the bill (Carlisle-Workington-Barrow) as the crow flies (37 miles) It’s actually 85 miles via road.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Celtic’s Leigh Griffiths. There’s been a few altercations with managers but just the one conviction for an ‘incident in an Edinburgh pub’

bigmick sqFresh Hell
We really need look no further than Jose Mourinho for this. 1-0 up to 1-3 down, against a flailing Liverpool – and – at Stamford Bridge.

The second city derby between Birmingham and Wolves. It’s Birmingham for crying out loud.

oldschoolOld School
Going straight into the side, like an on-loan Premiership defender into the Peterborough United starting 11, a debut for this brand-new category for scorers with old-time sounding names. Step forward Middlesbrough’s winger Albert Adomah.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Bury v Blackpool at 3-1 on 34 min – Finished 4-3 – FAILED!
– called Falkirk v St Mirren at 2-0 on 30 min – Finished 3-0 – FAILED!
– called Stenhousemuir v Peterhead at 0-3 on 39 min – Finished 4-3 – FAILED! (More on this below)


Peterhead’s Rory McAllister is an old friend of the HIH league, as he’s only available for games when he can get time in between his job as a 24/7 plumber. His first-half hat-trick put the away team 3 up against Stenhousemuir but a vintage Reverse Churchill from manager Jim McInally saw The Bloo Toon concede four in the second half. Reports an bogus emergency plumbing call was made from the home dressing room at half-time could not be confirmed…

Also, a ‘Hey Nonny No’ and ‘Resign!’ to Preston Athletic in the Lowlands League, who took a 2-8 home loss to Edinburgh City.

And – Bryan Prunty scored for Airdrieonians against Albion Rovers. All hail the Prunty.

The Results

TwoBarry Corr (Cambridge United)
Tom Soares (Bury)

ThreeAlan Sheehan (Notts County, on loan from Bradford City)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Fulham)

ThreeDavid Mooney (Southend United)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)
Tom Soares (Bury)

NilA clean sheet. If only there had been one midweek…

FourJamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Kingsley James (Halifax Town)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town)