Season 3 Game 25 (18-21 Dec)

THE Jarhead, The Petrolhead and the Pothead HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jake Gyllenhaal (34), Richard Hammond (46) and Keith Richards (73).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
None recorded this time. I blame the dark nights.

He Sh*ts Goals
Sean Tuton (Halifax Town) – NO!
Conor Washington (Peterborough United) – NO!
Lasse Vibe (Brentford) – YEP!

[Note-as of the new year, this Category will be renamed “The Dread Hand of Barney” due to the curse placed on these players once Barney has chosen them. Lasse Vibe has defied the curse – he will soon learn…]

Pagga!
And a regrettable lack of violence on the pitch on the week. Tsk.

Tony Craig’s Oyster Card
And it’s yet another blank for this category. We may have to increase the criteria for this category to fifty miles….

Known To The Authorities
Well there is Adam Chapman of Mansfield Town’s conviction for death by dangerous driving (see HERE)
And Brad Dack – no actual convictions but was named in court during former team mate Nathan Nyalfi’s trial for rape (see HERE). It’s not a prison sentence, but it doesn’t exactly make him look innocent either…

It Don’t Mean Nuthin’
It clearly didn’t for the players anyway as satisfying acts of revenge on erstwhile teams were put to one side in the week before Christmas. Heartwarming. Like Christmas Day in the trenches…

Where’s Russell Martin?
Southend United 4-1 Bury. That would be just over 500 miles on the round trip on a Friday night for those Bury fans. They could’ve made a holiday of it, as I bet Southend is brilliant in mid-December.

Stealth Gub
Barney – was out but couldn’t be bothered to call one – FAILED!
Howard – called a Tactical stealth Gub (to stop Chelsea running away with it) Chelsea v Sunderland at 2-0 on 21 min – Finished 3-1 – FAILED! (Or not!)
Chris – AWOL!

Miscellany

It’s a tip of the hat to Hamilton’s Jamie Sendles-White who was assigned to man-mark Dundee’s leading goalscorer Kane Hemmings. After seeing Hemmings score three (Including this beauty – CLICK HERE) and then providing a set up for the fourth goal (after only 23 minutes!), Hamilton’s player-boss Martin Canning poured on the Fresh Hell and substituted the ex-QPR man, presumably Making His Ma Proud in the process. A double whammy there.

All this is overshadowed by the reappearance of A TRIALIST, spotted in Arbroath’s 2-0 away victory at Clyde in Scottish League Two. He was “named locally”, as the Police say, as “Andy Ryan”. A covername if ever I heard one.

The Results

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) – counting double
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Ryan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra, on loan from Bury)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

Danny Green (Luton Town)
David Mooney (Southend United)
Jordan Cook (Walsall) x2
Lee Cook (Eastleigh)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Paul Benson (Luton Town)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town) og

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)

Adam Chapman (Mansfield Town)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Ryan Cresswell (Northampton Town)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Simon Walton (Crawley Town) – og
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR LUFFY!

December 25, 2015December 26, 2015

Season 3 Game 24 (11-14 Dec)

THE Boys and Girls In The Bedroom with Sergeant Wilson HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Pixie Lott (24), Tom Wilkinson (67) and Bill Nighy (65). Also we need to mention Chris Waddle’s birthday on the 14th eh, Mr Smith?

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Ross County’s Vigurs gets the home team going’

He Sh*ts Goals
Will Grigg at Wigan Athletic, Rory Donnelly at Gillingham and Charlie Austin at QPR blanked, mainly because Donnelly and Austin were injured. Excuses, excuses… [Injured by the dread hand more like]

Day Trip To Brighton
As far as I can ascertain, this week saw unbridled heterosexuality. Like Ashley Cole.

Local Boy Makes Good
Central defender Gramoz Kurtaj, at Hamilton via Albania and Germany.

Are You My Fag?
It’s Port Vale’s Ajay Leitch-Smith again. Birth Certificate states his name’s Jay Smith. Possibly saw Ali G as a role model. He’ll never make head boy.

Darwinism In Action
Portsmouth 4-0 Hartlepool United, 5th versus 20th? Lions v Christians more like. Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling looks on askance.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called – in sick
Howard – called Colchester United v Barnsley at 0-3 on 59 min – Finished – 2-3 – FAILED!
Chris – called Annan Athletic v East Stirlingshire at 3-0 on 51 min – Finished – 3-1 – FAILED!

Not A Kid Anymore
Dagenham & Redbridge’s Jamie Cureton fits many of our categories, but I’m not sure if he’s ever been in this one, which may be a oversight on our part as he’s 40 and called Jamie for crying out loud.

Miscellany

Nothing here.

The Results

Danny Mayor (Bury)
James Tavernier (Rangers) – og
Vadaine Oliver (York City)

Aaron McLean (Barnet) x2
Izale McLeod (Notts County) x2
Tyrone Barnett (Shrewsbury Town) – 1 goal counting double against old club – 2

Cameron Stewart (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Ipswich Town)
Danny Green (Luton Town)
Izale McLeod (Notts County) x2
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Paul Benson (Luton Town) x2

Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town, on loan from Oldham Athletic) x2

Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Izale McLeod (Notts County) x2
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: A SHOCK WIN FOR MAT & EMMA’S CHARLTON ATHLETIC!

December 20, 2015

Season 3 Game 23 (4-7 December)

THE sorry i spilt orange crush all over the wrong trousers HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ronnie Corbett (85), REM’s guitarist Peter Buck (58) and Aardman Animations’ Nick Park (christened Nicholas Wulstan Park, you know – 57).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: Bishop Bashes Byrne at Southport.[Haven’t we had this before?]
Chris: Scoring goals is right up Spurs’ Alli…
Howard: Louis Almond scores and the crowd go nuts

He Sh*ts Goals
Milk of Magnesia required for Barnet’s John Akinde, Walsall’s Tom Bradshaw and Bury’s Leon Clarke, none of whom netted. [This category may be renamed “The Dread Hand of Barney”, as somehow when picked, these in-form scorers somehow forget where the net is. Arrrhh ’tis but a curse….]

Make Ya Ma Proud
Southport’s boss Paul Carden on appointing newish signing Andy Bishop as captain ‘He holds the ball up, brings other players into the game’ ….and gets sent off after 19 minutes against Macclesfield for getting mutually punchy with Macc’s Neill Byrne in a Pagga! at a corner.

Incidentally, it appears Southport’s ground is no longer Haig Avenue, but is renamed The Merseyrail Community Stadium (capacity 6000, average attendance, just 870). Perhaps some of the crowd were delayed…[the rest is about trains, a banned subject for Chris, so is therefore censored!]

Fresh Hell
With appropriate apologies to our London friends, we couldn’t ignore Charlton Athletic’s efforts in ensuring Brighton & Hove Albion remain unbeaten, despite being 2-0 down at half-time. We’re sure the Charlton players now know a few Walloon swearwords off by heart, courtesy of Belgian interim boss Karel Fraeye (although having said that, he probably speaks perfect English…)

Diamond Lights
It’s Leeds’ Chris Wood again, Traffic multi-instrumentalist etc, etc. This Category could well be heading into deep-freeze soon.

Born In Burberry
The name ‘Kyle’ brings thoughts of misbehaving proto-chavs on the Supertram or brats scootering around narrow supermarket aisles, as does a mis-spelt name. This makes Bradford’s goalscoring winger Kyel Reid guilty on two counts.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Dover Athletic v Aldershot at 4-1 on 75 min – Finished – 5-2 – FAILED!
Howard – called Swansea City v Leicester City at 0-2 on 60 min – Finished 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris – called Woking v Lincoln City at 3-0 on 64 min – Finished – 3-1 FAILED!

Why the late calls? Because sod all goals were scored in the first half.

Miscellany

Swansea’s Ashley Williams and Leicester’s hat-trick hero [thanks Garth…] Riyad Mahrez got into an ‘altercation in the tunnel’ after the final whistle at the Liberty Stadium. An off-field PAGGA! was averted when the players were shepherded away to the dressing rooms, although Williams couldn’t leave it alone and later tried to board the Leicester bus. Perhaps he wanted to play for a team who hadn’t tuned on their manager.

The Results

Ben Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Chris O’Grady (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Will Keane (Preston North End, on loan from Manchester United)

Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Josh Thompson (Southport)

Dorian Dervite {Bolton Wanderers)
Kyel Reid (Bradford City, on loan from Preston North End)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)

Another clean sheet!!

Chris O’Grady (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Kyel Reid (Bradford City, on loan from Preston North End)
Scott Boden (Newport County)

OVERALL RESULT: CHRIS TAKES THE CROWN ON A LOW-SCORING WEEK!

December 1, 2015December 5, 2015

Season 3 Game 22 (27-30 Nov)

THE Miss Moneypenny At Your Inconvenience In Motown HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Samantha Bond (54), “Professor Green” (32) and Berry Gordy Jr. (86).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Stranraer’s McGuigan still packs a punch’
Chris: ‘Morecambe need to get Wise to Stevenage’
Howard: ‘Soap opera at Ewood Park as ‘Corry’ scores’ or ‘It’s a La-goody from Dagenham’s Labadie’
“Mcburnie gets a point for Newport” was rejected, although I did like “Craig johnston…he’s a predator” for the footballer-turned-boot designer’s namesake at Cowdenbeath. Barney commented: “It’s like Oscar Wilde’s Salon, only without the wit, repartee and worse luck, sexual adventurousness.” [Worse luck??]

He Sh*ts Goals
Both Fulham’s Ross McCormack and Coventry’s Adam Armstrong did the dirty deed whilst Dundee’s Rory Loy stayed celibate. (Er… nice metaphor, Barn….)

…And Stay Out!
Hmm, Miles Storey has been a Swindon player since 2011 but his last three loan clubs are in three countries. Portsmouth, Newport and InverCally. It’s fair to say he knows he way to a good transport café, if such a thing exists.

Tony Craig’s Oyster Card
Sean McConville at Accrington Stanley. Back where he made his first league appearance, via stops at Stockport, Rochdale, Barrow, Stalybridge and Chester. Oh, the glamour!

Known To The Authorities
It’s Troy Deeney of Watford again. And those who befriended him whilst he was doing time got tickets for Watford’s game v Man U. They look after you on the inside, you look after them on the outside. If you’d have done ‘bird’ you’d understand…

Unpleasant Local Derby
Local knowledge tells us it should be Barnsley v Sheffield United, but mutually disappointing staff jollies remind us that Blackpool v Fleetwood Town will have been a grim concern.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Crystal Palace v Newcastle United at 4-1 on 58 min – Finished 5-1 – FAILED!
Howard – called Stevenage v Morecambe at 4-1 on 60 min – Finished 4-3 – FAILED!
Chris – called Chesterfield v Swindon Town at 0-2 on 39 min – Finished 0-4 – FAILED!

Old School
East Kilbride’s Bernard Coll fits the bill here. As it would’ve done had he scored against Third Lanark. Not enough ‘Bernards’ in the game these days.

Miscellany

A midweek ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’ which was too good to not mention. York’s coach Johnathan Greening came out of retirement and registered himself as a player to help his first professional club through an injury crisis. The 36 year old’s emotional return lasted all of 31 minutes as the ex Fulham and Middlesborough winger saw a straight red for a ‘Shearer elbow’ and saw the Minstermen ship another 4 goals for an overall 6-0 Mullah-ing

The Results

Adedeji Oshilaja (Gillingham, on loan from Cardiff City) – og
Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Chris O’Grady (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town) x2
Ross Barkley (Everton)

Adam Clayton (Middlesbrough)
Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage) x3
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Rotherham United) x2
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town) x2

Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jack Munns (Cheltenham Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)

Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Matthew Connolly (Cardiff City) – og
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town, on loan from Oldham Athletic)

Chris O’Grady (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: IN BARNEY’S WORDS – “A COOLLY-CONTESTED CONTEST”, RESULTED IN A WIN FOR THE POSH!

December 1, 2015December 1, 2015

Season 3 Game 21 (20-23 Nov)

THE ‘Black Widow throws Big Breakfast Overboard’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Scarlett Johansson (31), Liza Tarbuck (51), and Goldie Hawn (70!).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Northampton though they’d won but Notts County equalised in-Stead’
Chris: ‘George is a ‘Thorne’ in Cardiff’s side’
Howard: ‘You never know what you’re going to get with Revell’

No prisoners taken this week. Howard’s may have been his best of the year. [Allegedly!] He Sh*ts Goals
Macclesfield’s Kristian Dennis 16th of the season spoiled the usual blank day here, as neither Newcastle’s Wijhaldun or Northampton’s Richards found the net.

Pagga!
However, there was fighting on the pitch at Elland Road, where Leon Best’s elbow on Leeds fullback Gaetano Berardi started a rumble which resulted in ‘Claret’ and one red card apiece, more on this encounter later.

Reverse Churchill
It would appear there was no fighting on the beaches as nothing was noted by your crack team of viewers. Or Howard, Barney and Chris.

Local Boy Makes Good
The best we could discern was Hearts’ Cameroonian striker Arnaud Djoum, but they’re in the Scottish Premiership again so technically it’s a blank.

Claridge Clock
Strikes 10 for Falkirk’s veteran striker Lee Miller as that’s the number of clubs he’s played for, which just passes muster in this category.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Peterhead v Cowdenbeath at 2-0 on 27 min – Finished 7-0 – GUB! (To be exact, a WHAM!)
Howard – called Crawley Town v Bristol Rovers at 2-0 on 10 min – Finished 2-1 – But: this was largely to stop Rhys Murphy from scoring, as he had bagged a brace in the first ten minutes and was threatening a one-man-Gub. In this respect, it was a success as he then promptly forgot where the goal was located – Finished – FAILED ?
Chris – called Dover Athletic v Barrow at 3-0 on 37 min – Finished – 3-1 – FAILED!

You’re Not A Kid Anymore
Charlton Athletic’s Johnnie Jackson gets a lot of love from our esteemed Southern contingent, but he is 34 and was christened ‘John’, which means he qualifies here and then some.

Miscellany

The Leeds United v Rotherham United match also featured an excellent ‘It Don’t Mean Nuthin”. Rotherham’s boss Neil Redfearn was P45-ed by Leeds earlier in the year. Before the game, Refearn was denied a parking space by his ex-employers. “I had to park in Batley”, he said. “I will be getting the bus back!”. Redfearn’s comments after the game that ‘This was sweet, it’s been tough, Leeds fans may be as happy as Rotherham’s fans tonight’, indicate he hated every minute of Leeds’ 1-0 defeat to his new team. Or not…

The same game also featured Leon Best receiving the first use of the showers on his debut. A classic ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’ effort.

Halifax have had a wretched start to the season, but somehow beat Gateshead 4-1 at the International Stadium, scoring three unanswered goals after Halifax keeper Russ Griffiths went for a professional foul. ‘Fresh Hell’ was exhibited by Gateshead chairman Richard Bennett as manager Malcolm Crosby became an ex-manager the day after. New ‘Heed’ manager is Neil Aspin, who started the season bossing Halifax. Confused? You will be…

Honourable mention for a ‘Nuthin’ goes to Barnsley boss Lee Johnson, who joined the Tykes in contentious circumstances from Oldham Athletic. First win in 9 games came at Oldham’s ‘Sports Direct Stadium’ (as no-one calls it) via a 89th minute winner…

And finally… a round of applause for Willie Dyer of Brechin City, who picked up two yellow cards during 2nd-half extra-time in their 2-1 home defeat to Stenhousemuir. That was 2 cards in 9 seconds, folks. In the same game, Brechin goalkeeper Graeme Smith had to make an 83-mile dash north to the game after going to the wrong stadium. In the end, it proved to be a wasted trip as Smith’s side lost and are currently bottom of League One.

The Results

Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Daryl Murphy (Ipswich Town)
Ross Barkley (Everton) x2
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)

Ben Turner (Coventry City, on loan from Cardiff City)
George Thorne (Derby County)
Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Kieran Agard (Bristol City)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town) – og
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

Adebayo Azeez (AFC Wimbledon)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jonjo Shelvey (Swansea City)

Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town, on loan from Oldham Athletic) x2

Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Halifax Town)
Kyle Walker (Tottenham Hotspur)
Mark Yeates (Oldham Athletic)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN UNITED AND WEDNESDAY!