Season 3 Game 46 (Midweek Madness 19-20 Apr)

THE ‘Anakin Skywalker, Almost Famous for 127 Hours’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Hayden Christiansen (35), Kate Hudson (37) and James Franco (38).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Howard finally came up with a ‘Another goal for Lester’ when Luton’s Joe Pigott scored. [The other ones I came up with were ‘humanely’ destroyed by Barney.]

Miscellany

Cambridge United 7-0 Morecambe… a 456 mile round trip for the Morecambe fans in a very fine ‘Where’s Russell’?’

Football can often be an art form, but we noted two examples of sheer terror bringing late equalisers in the shape of Ipswich (Mick McCarthy) and Burnley (Sean ‘Hoarse’ Dyche, maybe mentioned is despatches in Dantes Inferno)

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilNo goals, goals, goals!!


ThreeJosh McQuoid (Luton Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Toumani Diagouraga (Leeds United)

charlton02
OneGreg Halford (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
TwoAbu Ogogo (Shrewsbury Town)
Mark Randall (Milton Keynes Dons)


EightGreg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
John Egan (Gillingham)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbleon) x2
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)

OVERALL RESULT: ONLY ONE TEAM IN THIS TITLE RACE – THE BLADES WIN AGAIN!

Season 3 Game 45 (15-18 Mar)

THE Hermione and Professor Farnsworth… What’s Going On!? HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Emma Watson (26 – steady, Barney!!), Futurama’s Billy West (65 – who?!) and Four(4) Non Blondes’ Lynda Perry (53 – one hit wonder).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“{Duncan} Watmore could go wrong for Norwich” [Sunderland go 3-0 up in the relegation six-pointer]
Chris: “{Joe} Bunney bugs Blackpool” [THE WINNER!]
Howard: Absent, drinking in Shrewsbury, Chester and Wrexham

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Celebrates a clean sweep as Exeter City’s Watkins, Wimbledon’s Taylor and Peterhead’s McIntosh all blanked. Though they all scored in their next games, spooky, no? (No)

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Notts County’s current manager Mark Cooper has been set a points target by the board if he is to get the job on a permanent basis. The three games since this announcement have seen defeats of 4-0, 1-0 and 5-0. No rush to place your paperweight on the desk, Mr Cooper.


Fresh HellFresh Hell
Mick McCarthy. And I quote ‘Gently pointing out his displeasure to the Ipswich players as they headed down the tunnel’. McCarthy was only around 3 miles away from his High Green childhood home, maybe that was why he was irate. Alternatively, it could be said that is his default setting…


Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
A veritable plethora of entrants this week and two stand out, Wrexham’s Kayden Jackson and Forest Green’s Kieffer Moore. Bassline skankers for them both.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Cheltenham Town v Halifax Town at 2-0 on 23 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Brechin City v Peterhead at 4-1 on 45 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Chelmsford City v Gosport Borough (!!) at 3-0 on 32 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUBBED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Neither Mitch Brundle at Braintree Town (Braintree again) or Mitch Rose at Manfield got the unaminous nod through, but Milton Keynes Dons’ Nicky Maynard, 29, most certainly did.

Old SchoolOld School
Dover’s Jack Parkinson takes the plaudits here, running on from inside left to a knockdown by Eric Mortensen, who took a George Eastham tackle from behind in the process. It were a man’s game in those days, lad…

Miscellany

When you think of the City of Chester, think not of the Roman settlements that gave the football stadium its name,  think of how you can afford that shiny new Vauxhall Zafira, as the stadium is now known as the Lookers Vauxhall Stadium. By no-one.

Incidentally, car dealership Swans Way have just moved in next door to Chester’s ground selling Fiat, Citroen, Jeep and Alfa Romeo. I bet the club sponsor’s are chuffed to bits.

Impressive effort from Milton Keynes Dons reserve keeper Cody Cropper, who in Cropping Preston’s Eoin Doyle [attempting another Zinger, Barney?], came a cropper on receiving a red card for the transgression. Said penalty was saved by emergency keeper Alex Revell, who picked the coffee sweet out of the bag [I think that means it was ‘a goal’. Blimey, it’s like the BBC text commentary who said Arsenal’s game with West Ham was started by the referee with a toot on his tooter]

And A LUBBOCK! A few of the Strathspey Thistle players will be forever blowing bubbles after their 0-10 reverse to Formartine United.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourDanny Mayor (Bury)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Leroy Lita (Yeovil Town)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)


FourGeorge Boyd (Burnley)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Toumani Diagouraga (Leeds United)

charlton02
FourLeroy Lita (Yeovil Town)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth, on loan from Swindon Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)

Arsenal
TwoJay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2


EightAdam Chapman (Mansfield Town)
Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers) x2
Christian Nade (Dumbarton)
Craig Beattie (Stirling Albion)
Matt Kilgallon (Blackburn Rovers) og
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe)
Note: Some sources gave Carl Ikeme an own goal in Wolves’ 2-1 away defeat to Hull. As the BBC did not, it just goes down as a footnote

OVERALL RESULT: THE TITLE IS PRETTY MUCH RETAINED BY THE BLADES. ANOTHER WIN!

Season 3 Game 44 (8-12 Apr)

THE ‘mulder and scully under seige from ming the merciless HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Cerys Matthews (47), Steven Seagal (64) and Max Von Sydow (87).

Note: Barney entitled this one “The ‘I Am The Mob, Out For Justice on Ming The Merciless’ Head In Hands League’, but I thought the replacement was better. It is included here for the sake of equality, and an easier life. I’d also add that Sleeper were far better than Catatonia, though Barney would never agree.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Ross County’s Dutch player scores, is it back to the {Alex} ‘Schalk’ face for Partick?”
Chris: No entry!
Howard: “Mansfield’s {Reggie}Lambe roasts Carlisle?”  or “‘It’s a knockout {Jason}Puncheon for Norwich”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
A blank day for Fernando Forestieri and Billy Paynter, but Barnet’s John Akinde defied the dark side and netted twice against Leyton Orient.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Either Swindon Town’s free-scoring striker Nicky Ajose or Hamilton’s midfielder Ali Crawford make the grade here.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Fulham 0-1 Cardiff at half-time magically transformed into 2-1 following a “stirring” Russell Slade teamtalk. ‘Stirring’ only in reference to Mr Slade’s tea, and not his Cardiff side, who book-ended their capitulation, conceding within 45 seconds of the restart and 50 seconds before the end.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
We’ve noted Arbroath’s Josh Todd (Buckcherry) and Southport’s Paul Rutherford (Frankie Goes To Hollywood) before, so here’s a new one……
Steve Sidwell organised the strings on Robbie Williams’ Swing When You’re Winning.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
This doesn’t get more well-defined than Derby County (5th) 4-1 Bolton Wanderers (Travel Pages), sending Bolton into the league where goblins, witches and Peterborough United lurk.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Yeovil Town v Exeter City is known as the ‘Scrumpy Derby’ by media folk and ‘not an actual derby’ by those in Exeter and Yeovil due to lack of games played.

There’s also Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra to consider but more on that below….

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called East Stirling v Queen’s Park at 0-3 on 47 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Crawley Town v Oxford United at 1-3 on 49 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Chris
– called a Defensive Stealth Gub – Bristol City v Sheffield Wednesday at 3-0 on 45min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED…but as Wednesday remained un-gubbed, maybe it wasn’t a total failure!

Miscellany

Bought to you this week by The Sports Direct Arena, or Boundary Park, the home of Oldham Athletic. “If you want sports gear from a 100% UK sweatshop where even this government has named and shamed as probably breaking minimum wage laws, go to Sports Direct!” – legal note: this is Barney’s own opinion and not shared by myself or Chris, so sue away Mr Ashley…

Unpleasant Local Derby and Make Ya Ma Proud for the away team? Why, that’s surely the case in the Port Vale v Crewe Alexandra game, where Crewe needed to get at least a point to keep the fight against relegation going for another few days. Result? Port Vale 3-0 Crewe. [Note: the rest of this text was blocked due to mentions of the ‘R’ word potentially causing offence to Network Rail employees]

And because it was a category seven days previous [EDIT: it wasn’t], we had a Bendtner [see the ‘former categories’ section] in Peterborough defender Michael Smith’s 3rd goal in 173 games total. Barney will happily assure you, he’s a better striker than he is a right back.

And a quick tip of the hat to Morecambe’s Barry Roche. Two Red cards in four games, the latter on returning from a one match ban for the former. All the more impressive from a goalkeeper.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenChris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Leon Best (Rotherham United)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Richard O’Donnell (Bristol City) og
Vadaine Oliver (York City)

FiveChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Kelvin Langmead (Kidderminster Harriers, on loan from Ebbsfleet United)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale) – counting double against his old club

charlton02
FiveKadell Daniel (Welling United)
Leon Clarke (Bury)
Rhys Browne (Aldershot Town)
Scott Parker (Fulham)
Simon Church (Aberdeen, on loan from Milton Keynes Dons)

Arsenal
ThreeJames Dunne (Cambridge United)
Samir Nasri (Manchester City)
Steve Sidwell (Brighton and Hove Albion, on loan from Stoke City)


EightBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Harry Maguire (Hull City) og
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Matt Phillips (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Michael Doyle (Portsmouth)
Michael Higdon (Tranmere Rovers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: DESPITE CHRIS’ BEST EFFORTS, IT’S ANOTHER NOTCH FOR THE BLADES. SORRY STEVE!

Season 3 Game 43 (1-4 Apr)

THE ‘Steve Jobs and Tony Stark’s Four Candles’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Michael Fassbender and Robert Downey Jr (39 and 51 respectively). And it would be remiss not to mark the passing of the legendary Ronnie Corbett (85). “Moronic Orbit?” 😉

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney records a blank, which I find difficult to accept. However, no names leap to mind. For those suffering withdrawal symptoms…er..  erm… how about “Hamill was on the Mark for Barnsley [in the JPT Final]” ?

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
The recent warmer weather is clearly to the liking of our undead colleague, as he put the kibosh on Bristol Rovers’ Billy Bodin, Macclesfield Town’s Reece Styche and Everton’s Romelu Lukaku.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Continuing a run of blanks when it’s an actual category. Expect someone to score at both ends next week.

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Surely it’s time to mention Aston Villa? The defeat to Chelsea sent them 15 points away from safety.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
AJ Leitch-Smith at Port Vale. Again. Barney writes: “Used to play for Crewe, may be a ‘Tony Craig’s Oyster’ there?”. Sadly not though – not only Newcastle Town, but Icelandic side I B V were amongst his previous clubs.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Jamal Campbell-Ryce is on loan at Chesterfield from the Blades. Scored at the weekend for his 11th different club to date.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Hull 4-0 Bristol City. A 454-mile round trip for the Red side of Bristol. Doesn’t get more textbook than that.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Nothing, apparently – So – FAILED!
Howard
– called Shrewsbury Town v Wigan Athletic called at 1-3 on 56 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Nothing, apparently, so again – FAILED!

Miscellany

This was to be put under the old ‘Bendtner’ category…
(Channel 5 voiceover) ‘It was a VERY Good Friday for Harry Beautyman of Peterborough, as he scored his first goals in 13 months’ .
However, Barney put this down as a Category, despite it having stopped months ago. Rather like the man himself.

An appropriate sponsor this week, as we highlight the Corbett Sports Arena at Belle Vue, home of Rhyl Town. Capacity 3000. Average crowds around 600 so the George Jones stand ‘used specifically for away fans when segregation is required’ may not always be required…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoJon Shaw (Gateshead)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)


ThreeDwight Gayle (Crystal Palace)
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)

charlton02
SevenBradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Conor McAleny (Wigan Athletic, on loan from Everton)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Greg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Chesterfield, on loan from Sheffield United)
Kadell Daniel (Welling United)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth, on loan from Swindon Town)

Arsenal
OneNico Yennaris (Brentford)


Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United) x2
Greg Halford (Rotherham United)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Michael Tonge (Stevenage)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe) x2
Steve Davies (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: NO-ONE’S STOPPING LUFFY’S BLADES THIS WEEK! SURELY THE TITLE BECKONS (AGAIN!)

Season 3 Game 42 (25-28 Mar)

THE ‘Elizabeth Swann’s CRAZY Poker Face’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Keira Knightley (31), Lady Gaga (30) and Aerosmith’s “Crazy” Steven Tyler (68).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Welling’s Lokko finds key to goal’
Chris: Another absent mark for the Zingmeister
Howard: ‘Scunny’s Tom Hopper finds space to score’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Neither Padraig Amond (Pronounced ‘Parrick’. Really) at Grimsby or Billy Sharp at Sheffield United hit the net but Matt ‘The Goal Machine’ Green at Mansfield’s double denied the clean sweep.

Pagga!Pagga!
No mutual red cards dished out by the officials on either Friday’s or Monday’s games.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Pierre-Joseph Dubois. Born in Paris. Plays for Bromley. Of Course!

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Luke Summerfield’s late consolation for York occurred against his first club, Plymouth Argyle. Did he celebrate? He certainly did. On the other hand, York are abject this year (but don’t tell Harry Gration) and will probably move into their new stadium as a Conference club (if the stadium doesn’t get delayed again by floods or Viking hordes).

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Scunthorpe United v Swindon Town at 3-0 on 43 min – Finished: 6-0 – MULLAHED!
Howard
– called Plymouth Argyle v York City at 3-0 on 43 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Newport County v Accrington Stanley at 0-2 on 43 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED! 

Old SchoolOld School
Billy Paynter of Hartlepool. I daresay the “well-travelled” striker’s goalscoring exploits over the last decade have made the Topical Times Football Annual. [Everyone else: “The WHAT?”]

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
The Varsity Derby, Cambridge United 0 (NIL) Oxford United 0 (NIL) – served up a grand total of 2 shots on target. Perhaps they were busy doing other stuff, such as buying grades appropriate to their alleged good breeding, whipping Commoners, etc… *EDIT*: This rant of Barney’s went on for days. It’s possible, to use a bit of Garth Crooks-speak, that Oxford were saving themselves for the Johnston’s Paint Trophy final. Maybe.

Miscellany

This week bought to you by the One Call Stadium, formerly Field Mill, home of Mansfield Town. Mansfield is the home of One Call Insurance’s biggest call centre. It’s also the home of such retail establishments as ‘Everything’s £1’ ‘The 99p Shop’ and almost uniquely ‘It’s all 98p’. The bus from Mansfield to Chesterfield/the 21st century is called ‘The Stagecoach Pronto’ in that you want to get out of there pronto. The return journey is run by another company and isn’t.

It’s a round of applause to Ian Henderson of Rochdale, who went for two bookables against Wigan Athletic. He was only playing in this game after Rochdale appealed his red card in the week before’s win over Wycombe Wanderers. Enjoy the four match ban, Ian.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourDanny Mayor (Bury)
Grant Holt (Rochdale)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Mike Jones (Oldham Athletic)


FiveChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Emile Sinclair (Guiseley, on loan from York City)
Nathan Ralph (Aldershot Town on loan from Newport County)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town)
Reuben Reid (Plymouth Argyle)

charlton02
ThreeConor McAleny (Wigan Athletic, on loan from Everton)
Lee Cook (Eastleigh)
Danny Haynes (Boreham Wood) (1-Friday, 1-Monday)

Arsenal
NilDrawing another blank


FourBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Danny Philliskirk (Oldham Athletic)
Steve Davies (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: IT’S A LONG-OVERDUE WIN FOR THE POSH!