Season 3 Game 50 (13-16 May)

THE “ELIZABETH LIKES THE FORCE” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE OF THE SEASON – THE FINAL HIH OF THE SEASON

So named because of the birthdays of Cate Blanchett (47), Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg (32), and Star Wars’ George Lucas (72)

THE CATEGORIES

Miscellany

Nothing here. Other than a Pope-like kissing the ground and thanking everyone and everything that it’s all over.  Almost…

And for one last

ZingerZINGER
It was the beginning of the STOREY for Inverness (at Dundee), the second wasn’t DEVINE, and they were starting to DRAPER themselves in glory with the third, but ended up scoring FOR(AN). Well, that should have killed them off, it must indeed be the end.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoMichail Antonio (West Ham United)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)


NilA rare blank!

charlton02
NilAn even-rarer blank!

Arsenal
OneCesc Fabregas (Chelsea)


TwoMark Bunn (Aston Villa) – og
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: A LAST HURRAH FOR THE BLADES AND THE OWLS – HALF EACH

Season 3 Game 49 (6-9 May)

THE ‘IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN, ON THE BEACH’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because all good things have to come to an end. And unremittingly mediocre tripe like this does too.

NOTE – Despite Barney’s title, there were enough clubs the following week for a HIH. As this was unplanned, it will be presented as just a midweek-style results-only edition. But we all know who’s ‘won’…

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Wahbi} Khazri’s goal leaves Newcastle in the Khazi’
Chris:
‘{Dwight} Gayle takes wind out of Stoke’s sails’
Howard:
‘It’s all gone ‘flat’ at ‘Stanley’ {Accrington Stanley’s 0-0 draw meant they did not qualify for automatic promotion to League One}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Goals from Will Grigg and a double from Brentford’s Scott Hogan meant only Aberdeen’s Adam Rooney was struck by the hand’s foul malady. Though The Being didn’t care too much, as it had retired to its holiday crypt for the summer, vowing to return when the days begin to shorten and the words ‘Peterborough, nil’ are heard again.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Stoke City’s Charlie Adam, Burnley’s Sam Vokes, and for that matter, Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy probably qualify here. But MK Dons’ Nicky Maynard probably has the best claim.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Always likely to be a fun category at this point in the year, we’ll start with John Terry’s Red Card in the final minute of what may well be his final home game for Chelsea. {EDIT: It wasn’t. He just can’t let go and neither, it seems, can they}

West Ham United’s final Saturday home game resulting in a 1-4 scunnering to Swansea City, who were clearly irritated at having to leave the beach for the game (as irritated as some of us are by the word ‘scunnering’, if indeed it is an actual word at all!). That contest also featured a more traditional Make Ya Ma Proud moment as Swansea’s Stephan Kingsley was credited with an own goal on his debut – Peterborough United are rumoured to be preparing a bid…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Oxford United 3-0 Wycombe Wanderers. 26 driving miles. So there you go. [And cue Barney’s weekly Peterborough United rant………..} Oh and Wycombe should be without a manger soon as if Posh have any sense Gareth Ainsworth would be their next manager {EDIT: He wasn’t; as expected, Grant McCann got the nod}. And they’ve released “The Tank” (Gabriel Zakuani), though Tafazolli at Mansfield is pretty good. Ahem….. {Not that you would catch me moaning about my club…doing the double over the champions…blah blah…ten points behind….fume…Leicester £$%$^$^ City?!?…. and so on}

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Plymouth’s Tyler Walker or Portsmouth’s Kai Naismith would be solid winners. But Chav overlord Wayne Rooney’s oldest son is called Kai, so that’s where the prize is heading.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Charlton Athletic v Burnley, called at 0-3 on 52 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Luton Town v Exeter City, called at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Hull City v Rotherham United, called at 4-1 on 52 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED! 

Miscellany

Bought to you this week by the Ashburton Grove Stadium, or The Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal FC, you may have heard of them. The Emirates Airline group is owned by an absolute monarchy which favours the Saudi interpretation of Sharia Law and builds its stadia with slave labour, whilst deporting UN investgators into human rights violations. And the rest of that Barney rant has just been cut…

Plymouth Argyle 5-0 Hartlepool United. 774 miles and around 12 and a half hours of a round trip on the final day of the season.

 

Elsewhere, Neil MacDonald’s Half-time Churchill at Peterborough United can’t be ignored, his stirring words influenced the Tangerines’ impressive five-goal meltdown in 5-1 reverse, whilst rather closer to home, the Sheffield United players lap of honour after a 0-2 home defeat to the mighty Scunthorpe saw most of the fans indicate how many goals the away had scored, accompanied by an unrelenting chorus of boos which saw the players retreat halfway through.

Finally, The Valley reeked of brimstone as Sean Dyche spoke of his disappointment over Burnley not being presented with the Championship trophy. Football chiefs were said to be locked away in the headquarters of the FA inside a magic pentangle chanting ancient protective spells whilst wearing silver crucifixes.

Bendtner
Languishing in mid-category limbo is… BENDTNER! – QPR’s veteran Karl Henry is now in double figures for goals in his professional career, after 468 appearances. non-strikers need to average 1 every 40 games to qualify and strikers match the profligacy of the former Arsenal man at 1 every 10 games, so Henry handily makes the grade. [Or so Barney says. But this Category is for misfiring STRIKERS!!!!! He’s not a striker. To be fair though, neither was Nicklas….]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveChris Maguire (Oxford United)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Ryan Lowe (Bury) x2
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


11Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone, on loan from Coventry City)
Dwight Gayle (Crystal Palace) x2
George Boyd (Burnley)
Jake Livermore (Hull City) x2
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town) x2

charlton02FiveDale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
David Mooney (Southend United)
Franck Moussa (Southend United)
Michael Turner (Sheffield Wednesday, on loan from Norwich City) – own goal
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet for the Gunners 🙂

Five Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
John Egan (Gillingham)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: EASY TO SEE WHO WON THIS WEEK – BARNEY’S PETERBOROUGH!

Season 3 Game 48 (29 Apr – 2 May)

THE Dirty Den’s Midnight Special with a Redheaded Stranger HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of convicted murderer and sometime-actor Leslie Grantham (69), Kirsten Dunst (34) and professional stoner Willie Nelson (83, looking like 237).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
{Joe}‘Mason free to score for Wolves’ [?!]
Chris: {Scott}‘Hogan’s a hero for Brentford’
Howard: {Jimmy}‘Spencer off his marks for Notts County’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Our undead friend was feeling pleased with itself when Ayr’s Michael Moffat and Motherwell’s Louis Moult failed to score. Alas, Brighton’s Tomer Hemed’s very late goal caused it to shake its skeletal fist at fate.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
As always, when this is a category, it’s a blank. See the previous week’s entry as to why.


Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Best I can find out there is Shrewsbury’s Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro, which doesn’t really count

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
…g
oes to Mark-Antoine Fortune of Coventry, with 11 teams at 32. No doubt he’ll be presented with said award by the MD, with uneasy, forced grins abounding for the corporate magazine.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Manfield let the 6ft 5ins striker Ollie Palmer go, citing a need to play a ‘less primitive’ brand of football. (Mansfield and ‘Less Primitive’!?). Palmer contained his Neanderthal nature to score the only goal in Leyton Orient’s win over Mansfield. He then celebrated by bashing a woman over the head and dragging her back to his cave (not really).

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Huddersfield fans will have thoroughly enjoyed that 402-mile round trip to Bristol City, watching their team stay on the West Yorkshire Riviera and receive a 4-0 good seeing to in the process.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Millwall v Oldham Athletic, called at 2-0 on 39 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Hamilton Academical v Kilmarnock, called at 0-3 on 56 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Brentford v Fulham, called at 2-0 on 9 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

We’ll head to the South Coastal area and Basingstoke’s Camrose Stadium, which is now rejoicing under the wholly unlikely name of The SOCCER AM Stadium. The stadium has seen rather better days, as has the show since Tim Lovejoy quit.

Another coastal team, Blackpool, is heading for Division 2 and Neil MacDonald’s halftime Churchill, mutating a 0-0 draw into a 0-4 home reverse to Wigan. Exemplary.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveChris Maguire (Oxford United)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Gary Gardner (Nottingham Forest, on loan from Aston Villa)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FourJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kenneth McEvoy (York City)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City, on loan from Bournemouth)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)

charlton02
TwoJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town, on loan from Blackburn Rovers)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet for us 🙂


FiveColin Kazim-Richards (Celtic)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jason Holt (Rangers)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Stephen Quinn (Reading)

OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN THE STEEL CITY CLUBS. HALF EACH FOR CHRIS AND STEVE!

Season 3 Game 47 (22-25 Apr)

THE ‘Sugababe and The Joker: The Awful truth’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Amelle Berabbah (32 – who?!), Jack Nicholson (79) and Michael Moore (62) enjoyed various amounts of birthday cake over the weekend.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Matt Cash puts Dagenham quids in’
Chris: ‘{Liam} Nolan put Southport In The Mood For Dancin’’
Howard: [Nothing recorded but er… ] ‘Elphick for Bournemouth – is he taking the Michael’. No? Oh well…

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Our ethereal acquaintance clearly didn’t find the unusually chilly weather to his liking, as whilst Nahki Wells failed to score, it was a brace each for Dundee’s Kane Hemmings and Josh ‘Son of SMASHING!!’ Windass at Accrington Stanley. Who’s Dean Windass? ask yer grandad…

Pagga!Pagga!
It seems like there’s been a dearth of mano et mano violence on the pitch this season, which is another way of saying it’s a blank.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Plymouth Argyle’s Graham Carey has been a regular in this category over the season so we’ll go with Lionel Ainsworth, who’s at Motherwell via Shrewsbury Town and Rotherham United.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Take a bow Emmanuel Dieseruvwe. Despite the exotic name, his career has taken in such glamour clubs as Sheffield Wednesday, Chesterfield, and Mansfield, which is the Stagecoach 53 route. Maybe he works on the buses like Reg Varney, who knows.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Was very nearly a wholly unlikely blank, but then old faithful Troy Deeney scored late on for Watford.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro at Shrewsbury. Seems to play for a different club every season and probably qualifies for The Claridge Clock. Has brothers called Jean-Jacques and Jean-Daniel, and a sister called Jean-Jean. The last bit of that may be completely false…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Wigan Athletic v Southend United at 2-0 on 18 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Peterhead v Ayr United at 0-3 on 54 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Altrincham v Welling United at 3-0 on 64 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

MBi Llandudno have booked their maiden journey into European competition by finishing third in the Welsh League. No doubt their progress will be stalled by some former Russian outpost with an outrageous consonant-to-vowel ratio but I’m sure they wouldn’t have reached such balmy climes without the strategic partnership struck with MBi Consulting, a local firm (No, based in Halifax) which supplies student accommodation. Llandudno’s funky new ground, MBi Maesnu Parc held the Welsh cup Final this year. Ground capacity: 1013.

Always worthy of a mention is an all-too-rare Brighton from West Bromwich Albion’s Craig Dawson, who got both goals in his side’s 1-1 draw with Tottenham Hotspur. Of course, if Barney had had it as a Category…!

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveConnor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Mansfield Town)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


ThreeCraig Morgan (Wigan Athletic) og
Shaq McDonald (Halifax Town, on loan from Derby County)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)

charlton02
OneDarren Bent (Derby County)

Arsenal
TwoHenri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) x2

ThreeDavid Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Jonathan Forte (Oldham Athletic)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)

OVERALL RESULT: TOO LITTLE TOO LATE – A WIN FOR THE WEDNESDAY!