Season 4 Game 11 (24-27 Sept)

THE ‘Agent J. In Traffic on Sesame Street’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Will Smith (48), Catherine Zeta Jones (47) and it would’ve been the mighty Jim Henson’s 80th on the 24th.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Dagenham’s {Corey} Whitely puts Bromley in a Conundrum’
Chris: [no comment]
Howard: [absent]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was nonplussed that the newsagent down the road didn’t stock Dixon’s Yorkshire Mixture and made its dismayed way back to its house just in time to accurse Queen Of The South’s Stephen Dobbie and Carlisle’s Charlie Wyke, but failed to complete the clean sweep, as Millwall’s Aiden O’ Brien netted.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Given his prolific start to his loan spell at Bristol City, Chelsea’s Tammy Abraham was always a good shout to score. And he did, so there you go.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
We haven’t been able to fill this slot all season, so to speak (the only occurances of a ‘Brighton’ was when it was not selected). And this week was no exception.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
No instances of footballing naughtiness. The swines.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Quite a few good candidates for this here category, Invercally’s Lousana Doumbouya and Stenhousmuir’s Willis Furtado spring to mind. But the winner in terms of Distance has to be Walsall’s Simeon Jackson. Born in Kingston, Jamaica. Plays his international football for Canada. Hmm.

 

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Celtic (1st) – 6
Kilmarnock (11th) – 1.
Yep.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Guiseley 1-2 Macclesfield called at 0-1 on 14 min – Finished – FAILED!
Howard
– called Raith 3-2 Dumbarton called at 3-0 on 41 min – Finished – FAILED!
Chris
– [no record of any prediction here, soooooooo….] – FAILED!

Miscellany

Sam Allardyce’s indiscretions have saved us from the probable appointment of Southend’s Phil Brown as his assistant. The players’ favourite at Hull demonstrated all his powers of half-time motivation on Saturday after his Shrimpers’ teamtalk at Northampton saw a goal-less first 45 minutes become a 4-0 reverse. Halftime Churchill par-excellence and his post-game tirade against his charges easily qualified for a Fresh Hell. At least he didn’t conduct this chat on the pitch…

This week’s shirt sponsor is Coventry City’s Allsopp & Allsopp, the upmarket expat estate agency with offices in Dubai and more glamourously, Leamington Spa. They’ve re-upped their sponsorship deal with the Sky Blues earlier this year and will now be sponsoring the away shirts too. Director Carl Allsopp:

“We are delighted to expand our support in having our company logo on the away shirt for first time. The design itself is really eye catching, it actually reminds of my favourite Italian football team, AC Milan.
“The colour red in China symbolises good fortune and joy – we hope that this is the case for the season ahead.”

Alas, Coventry are stone last in League One, are playing in a stadium which isn’t really built for football, that they couldn’t afford and so no longer own and which they’ve never sold out.

The place for goals was in the Scottish Cup. Best of all was East kilbride’s Wet Wyngarde (9-1) of Vale of Leithen. In addition, we also had Inverness 0-6 Buckie Thistle and Beith 6-0 Strathspey Thistle. Note: those are not attendance figures.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Ryan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)


TwoJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)

charlton02
FiveDarren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kyel Reid (Coventry City)
Matt Fry (York City)-o.g.
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
ThreeBrandon Ormonde-Ottewill (Swindon Town)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Luke Freeman (Bristol City)


SevenJohn-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Kyel Reid (Coventry City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: ANOTHER WIN FOR STEVE AND THE BLADES!

Season 4 Game 10 (17-20 September)

THE ‘I’m Outta Love with Captain Darling’s Cat’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Anastacia Newkirk (48), Tim McInnerny (60) and Danny John-Jules (56).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Livingstone’s {Scott} Pittman rakes Brechin over the coals’
Chris: ‘Islam {Slimani} converts for Leicester’
Howard: ‘Harlee {Dean} gets on the bike and scores for Brentford’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Nearly missed its call as it had to have the TV repair guy around after noticing they couldn’t get Ceefax or Oracle on their set anymore. With this in mind, the fact that only Dagenham & Redbridge’s Oliver Hawkins scored but neither Bristol City’s Tammy Abraham or Mansfield Town’s Matt Green could repel its curse is a solid effort indeed.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
An fun-filled 34 minutes for Reading’s Garath MacLeary, missing a penalty, scoring from the rebound and getting a straight red for a tackle best described as ‘unwise’.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Now here’s a thing, the only game where the team leading at half-time lost at full-time was Notts Forest, who went from 1 up to 2 down. Well done to Forest’s manager Phillipe Montelier (I give him until Christmas).

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Colchester United’s Tarique Fosu-Henry and Guiseley’s Reece Webb-Foster are flushing the scholarship plebs’ heads in the toilets, whilst head boy Keanu Marsh-Brown looks on approvingly.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Another category is defrosted from deep-freeze to celebrate the return of the correctly-maligned striker to these shores. Unlike Bendtner, it’s a timely return as Tyrone Barnett’s winner versus (cough) Charlton Athletic was his first goal in 17 games.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Cowdenbeath v Berwick Rangers, called at 0-2 on 42 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Stranraer v Albion Rovers called at 3-0 on 56 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Motherwell v Hamilton Academical, called at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Chester’s Sam Turner scored at the weekend, beating Dave MacKay to the ball, and slotting the ball past Pat Jennings, probably going into MacKay’s ‘Little Black Book’ for celebrating like a ‘Woofter’ (as they used to say in those dark times…)

Miscellany

A quick return to last year’s category of left-field stadium sponsors with the news that Bradford City’s Valley Parade is no longer the Coral Windows Stadium, it’s now the the Northern Commercials Stadium, so there’s an improvement.

This week’s shirt sponsor is FC Halifax Town’s 2016/17 tie-up with Northern Powerhouse Developments. Despite the club’s proclamations of this being ‘a major sponsorship coup’ rather like Halifax’s promotion hopes, the Northern Powerhouse isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Sadly it wasn’t a Category this week, but had it been selected, Alex Fisher of Inverness Caledonian Thistle would’ve been perfect for ‘And Stay Out!’, having previously been at Torquay United.

And finally, a ‘Chapeau’ to Motherwell’s Louis Moult, who rolled up a ‘one man good seeing to’, scoring four goals for the Steelmen against Hamilton Accies.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourBen Marshall (Blackburn Rovers)
Hallam Hope (Bury) x2
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)


FourJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

charlton02
FiveDavid Mooney (Southend United)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
OneAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)


FiveDominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jon Stead (Notts County) x2
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE BLADES AND THE ADDICKS!

Season 4 Game 09 (10-13 September)

THE ‘Play the Ab Fab Sonnet’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Moby (51), Julia Sawalha (48) and Richard Ashcroft (45).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Crewe going Dutch with a goal by Hollands’ {I think this would have made more sense if Danny Hollands’ goal was to level the scoring and not to make it 2-0}
Chris: ‘Owls’ Fletcher Going Straight for goal’ {steven, not Norman Stanley}
Howard: ‘{Jason} Cummings scores for Hibs, he sure knows how to finish’

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Was clearly too preoccupied with taking up two seats (One for itself and one for the shopping from the Co-Op) on a crowded bus to ensure Josh Morris at Scunthorpe United and Barnet’s John Akinde blanked. It did however, remember to drop the boom [a brush?] on Chelsea’s Michy Batishuyi.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Motherwell’s Louis Moult. Nuneaton – Wrexham – Motherwell. About 400 miles and three countries.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Andy Butler scored for Doncaster Rovers on the weekend, I bet he often gets confused with the “Hercules and Love Affair” mainman. But then again, having heard H&LA’s music (they are popular with gentlemen who like other gentlemen and ladies who like other ladies), maybe not. Not in Doncaster…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Only one choice here, Leeds 0-1 Huddersfield. The “202 derby”, as only Barney and bus-route afficionados call it.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Ask the York City fans on the return journey after seeing the Minstermen get turned over 2-0 at Torquay. That’ll be a 630-mile round trip ground-to-ground.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Morecambe v Doncaster Rovers, called at 0-2 on 17 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Alloa Athletic v Livingston, called on 0-3 on 37 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Berwick Rangers v Elgin City, called at 0-2 on 24 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!

Miscellany

“60p” – Howard will probably include this under protest (too right, since it went into retirement as a category), but we actually had sound in our local, so were able to discern call box-quality updates from the Memorial Stadium, home of Bristol Rovers (built in 1921 and a new ground is scheduled for 2019) and Walsall’s Bank’s Stadium (built in 1990, but this is Walsall).

This week’s odd shirt sponsor sees us travel to the Devon Riviera, where Torquay United’s new sponsor are revealed as 420 Skateworld. The club’s website elaborates: ‘The business, which specialises in skate clothing and hardware, footwear, Go Pro’s and watches from leading brands, operates from Newton Abbot, where a warehouse outlet will be opening soon’ And will probably close shortly afterwards after half the denizens of Torquay phone the plod, complaning of ‘Kids, being in the city centre’

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NineAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
Danny Mayor (Bury) x2
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United) x2
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FourChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Russell Martin (Norwich City)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)

charlton02
FiveDanny Hollands (Crewe Alexandra)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers) x2
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
TwoHenri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)
Rhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)


SixAndy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Chris Porter (Colchester United) x2
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon) – counting double against his old club
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)

OVERALL RESULT: CHRIS STAYS IN THE TITLE RACE WITH A CLEAR VICTORY!

Season 4 Game 08 (2-5 September)

THE ‘Hey DJ, play Uptown Funk by the Luff Machine’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Fearne Cotton (34), Mark Ronson (41) and our very own Stephen Luff (42), all over the weekend.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Josh} Law lays it down for Oldham’
Chris: ‘Curtis is the Main man for Portsmouth’
Howard: ‘Who scored for Grimsby? The mind Bogles’ {referring of course to Omar Bogle}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Dropped into a service station for a scone and a cup of tea after three hours of doing a solid 35 on the motorway (they won’t get there any quicker doing 70…) and also to proclaim maledictions against Millwall’s Steve Morison, Tranmere Rovers’ James Norwood and Queen Of The South’s Derek Lyle. Only the latter scored, but that wasn’t difficult for any Queen of the South player on Saturday…

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Jordan Bowery at Leyton Orient (which is a long old fall from when he signed for Aston Villa from Chesterfield for £750k just three and a half years back).

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Danny Rowe – Stockport County, Northwich Victoria, Barrow and now Macclesfield Town. Oh the glamour…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Despite looking rather like Geoffrey from Rainbow, Craig Hignett has something of a steely streak, walking away from Middlesborough after a training ground ‘debate’ with Aitor Karanka. That 6-1 reverse at Stevenage would’ve made for a very entertaining dressing room dressing down…

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Crewe Alexandra’s ex-Owl Ryan Lowe scored at the weekend and has 11 clubs at 37 years of age. He’s the new Jamie Cureton.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Bury v Port Vale called at 3-0 on 27 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Queen of the South v Stenhousmuir called at 3-0 on 31 min – Finished: 7-1 – MULLAHING!
Chris
– called Albion Rovers v St Mirren at 2-0 on 10 min – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
[For the sake of clear and full transparency, (like they do at well-known High Street Banks), it needs to be pointed out that Barney’s notes say he called Queen of the South. I am convinced this was an error, hence the change]

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
This can only be Sammie Szmodics at Colchester, though lower league maven [EDIT: “maven”?!] Robbie Simpson at Exeter City is a solid runner-up.

Miscellany

That 6-1 Gubbing of Hartlepool United by Stevenage would’ve seen the away fans travelling 448 miles in the round, easily qualifying for the Where’s Russell? category.

This week’s sponsor sees a visit to the sunny Wirral Riviera, where Tranmere Rovers have struck a shirt sponsor deal with B&M Waste Management. Quoth Chairman Mark Palios:

“It was important to us to get the right partner and from the very first meeting we held it was obvious that there were a great number of parallels in what we are both trying to do, and that by working together we can help each other to achieve our goals’ [How a football club can help B&M in hazardous waste removal is unclear.]

He also certainly did not add ‘A waste management company is a very appropriate sponsor for the team, as the club has gone down the drain since I took over, having been relegated twice and now we’re playing Boreham Wood and North Ferriby, I mean where the bloody hell is North Ferriby for crying out loud, I can’t find it on TomTom, is it like Brigadoon?’

‘I was the boss of the FA once’ Nobody heard him say.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeHallam Hope (Bury)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Ryan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)


ThreeHarry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
OneJordan Cook (Luton Town)

Arsenal
NilBlank


FourDominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Martyn Woolford (Fleetwood Town)
Michael Tonge (Stevenage)

OVERALL RESULT: IT’S A BELATED EXTRA BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MR LUFF!

Season 4 Game 07 (26-29 Aug)

THE ‘Hutch’s Seven Up!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of David Soul (73), director David Fincher (54) and Shania Twain (51).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Ouzy See’s way clear to goal”
Chris: *Nothing declared*
Howard: “Scott Robinson  scores for East Fife against his ‘Neighbours'”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…had knitted a luvverly balaclava for some poor toddler and was feeling rather better about itself – this resulted in the Dread Hand throwing the handbrake on the previously red-hot Liam Boyce at Inverness Caledonian Thistle and Moses Emmanuel at Dover Athletic, but Jamie Vardy is made of sterner stuff (he played for Stocksbridge Steels!), so defying the supernatural and scoring isn’t a bind.

Pagga!Pagga!
Sadly no, but its time will come – probably when it’s not a category on here.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Walsall’s Jon Whitney (two first names) has all the credentials needed to be a successful manager: learned under Dario Gradi at Crewe, got the Pro Licence at 32 and is now the boss at a club whose board take the long view on team matters. Such new-school theories quite probably flew out of the window of the home dressing room at Banks’ Stadium after the Saddlers transformed a 3-0 halftime lead into a 3-3 draw amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth by the home fans. One hopes the Pro Licence course covered not swearing in your post-match interview…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Gary Madine scored for Bolton Wanderers. That should just about cover that category for the foreseeable future. Or at least til Nile Ranger shows up…

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas at Gillingham, probably toasted the housemaster and avoided being the one called for extra practice. With the housemaster. In the housemaster’s quarters…[thanks Barney, we get the idea. Something you’d like to share with the group?]

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
It’s a shade early for this category because ‘we all know the Championship is a marathon, not a sprint, George’. However, Barnsley are 3rd and Rotherham United are 22nd, so that 4-0 Good Seeing-to administered at Oakwell in South Yorkshire’s first Unpleasant Local Derby of the season, is one of the reasons why.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Chester v Sutton United at 2-0 on 7min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called York City v Woking at 3-0 on 36min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Chesterfield v Millwall called at 0-3 on 40min – Finished:1-3 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A textbook Make Ya Ma Proud moment for debutant Owls midfielder David Jones, who went for a second bookable offence. Also, erstwhile Wolves winger Rajiv Van La Parra wasn’t always a favoured son by either management or fans, so did the new Huddersfield players celebrate scoring against Wolves just 6 minutes in? You betcha. Clearly, It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ to the former Dutch U21 international.

This week’s sponsor: Well, some squillionaire Chairmen out there take over a club and put their company on the team’s shirts. Not really the case at Southend in 2014, where their shirts were bereft of sponsor until chairman Ron Martin’s company, Martin Dawn, stepped in until another backer could be found. The 2016/17 season sees Martin Dawn still sponsoring the Shrimpers whilst Mr Martin perhaps wonders why he has a commercial department at all.

Also it was a big hello to the famous A Trialist, who showed up this time at Montrose in Scottish League Two.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenDanny Mayor (Bury)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)


FiveCraig Braham-Barrett (Braintree Town)
Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Harry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)

charlton02
FiveBradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
FiveJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Rhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers) x3 (2 on Monday)


SevenBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Macclesfield Town)x3 (1 on Monday)
Ryan Cresswell (Eastleigh)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE SHEFFIELDERS!

Season 4 Game 06 (Midweek Madness 23-24 August)

THE ‘General Melchett and Jason King’s Kinky Afro’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Stephen Fry (59), the mighty Peter Wyngarde (either 83, 84 or 87, although his date of birth is also disputed, so this may even be the wrong time of year) and Shaun Ryder (54!)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Nothing recorded here (or at least, nothing *saved*)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was strangely absent, possibly at the whist drive in the church hall down the road. Or at a seance in the local scouts’ hut.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Northampton’s Alexander ‘Zander’ Diamond. Aberdeen – Oldham – Burton – Northampton. Career team history runs like a hellish Megabus route to London. Not that Megabuses are hellish…OF COURSE….

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
It couldn’t get more blatant than Kinshasa-born Kabongo Tshimanga, who scored for Milton Keynes Dons in the League Cup.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
There can be only one, or maybe three. Tony Pulis.

  • Northampton 1-1 West Brom at Half Time
  • Northampton 2-2 West Brom at Full Time
  • Northampton win 5-3 on penalties after misses from Saido Berahinho (someone might think he isn’t playing for the club anymore…) and James Morrison.

Pulis’ fury dragged the team down to the depths of hell familiar only to Dante and Sean Dyche. He is currently the bookies’ favourite to be the first Premiership manager to be sacked.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Sorely tempted to put Accrington’s Matty Pearson in this category but he was christened Matthew. EDIT: He is still known professionally as Matty though. As an alternative, maybe the aforementioned Zander Diamond.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Chelsea v Bristol Rovers, called at 2-0 on [unknown] min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Peterborough United v Swansea City, called at 0-3 on [unknown] min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Stevenage v Stoke City, called at 0-3 on [unknown] min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Billy Bingham at Crewe. Despite his advanced years, the 85 year old former Northern Ireland manager clearly has ‘That extra yard in his head’ Oh hang on, this is the former Dagenham  & Redbridge midfielder, 26. Ho hum.

Miscellany

Nothing to see here Sonny, move along please…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeMike Jones (Carlisle United)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)


One Russell Martin (Norwich City)

charlton02
ThreeCallum Harriott (Reading) x2
Darren Bent (Derby County)

Arsenal
NilBlank! (Keep it up please)


OnePhil Bardsley (Stoke City)

OVERALL RESULT: SPOILS SHARED BETWEEN THE OWLS AND THE ADDICKS

Season 4 Game 05 (19-22 Aug)

THE HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Andrew Garfield(33), Hayden Panettiere (27) and Amy Adams (42).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“{John} Swift {of Reading} gets there quicker than Brighton’s defence”
Chris: “Hernandez – ready, willing and Abel!”
Howard: “{Bobby} Barr scores late for Raith Rovers  – is this a Late Barr?” {plus several other crackers, which I texted to Barney at the time, but will be unleashing at a later date. Now there’s a threat.)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Continues the poor form of recent vintage, as Scunthorpe United’s Kevin van Veen and Hibernians’ Jason Cummins (twice, the scoundrel!) got on the videprinter. Only Brentford’s Lasse Vibe (bad Vibe-s?) failed to break the curse.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
A couple of exemplars here, firstly, Reading’s Joey Van Der Burg, who completed an impressive own goal/red card on home debut combination. The equally deserving alternative would be Coventry City’s Jordan Turnbull (on loan from Southampton), who went for a second bookable on debut and saw his team concede 3 goals in the next 10 minutes on their way to a 3-1 reverse.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
None as far as I could discern. Better waiting until the winter months, when the cold weather and body heat will combine for what comes naturally…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
This accolade was heading towards Accrington’s Aaron Davies, who scored against Exeter City, the team which released him at the end of last season. However, Davies’ thunder was comprehensively stolen by Barnet’s John Akinde (Now 57 in 92 for Barnet) netting against Crawley Town (where he scored 1 in 31)

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– [to be filled in later]
Howard
– called Livingston v Stenhousemuir at 3-0 on 49 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– [to be filled in later]

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Twas Alfie Mawson’s penultimate game for Barnsley, but the centre back scored and became a Swansea City player after the welsh club paid Barnsley £4.5m. It is unknown if this is for the player or for the actual town of Barnsley as either would constitute a reasonable outlay. Whatever, one hopes he’ll now wish to be known as Alfred Mawson, just like Andrew ‘Not Andy’ Cole.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Not quite, though Derby v Villa was close, with neither team registering a shot on target in the second half…

Miscellany

This week’s stunning sponsor is what many a priest *allegedly* does, yes Imagine Crusing, proud sponsors of Swindon Town. The Wiltshire town is hardly a nautical hotbed and you’d have thought Brighton would have made more sense in a couple of ways, but there you go.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SevenChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2


EightArron Davies (Accrington Stanley)
Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic) x2
Scott Wootton (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
ThreeScott Sinclair (Celtic)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley) x2

Arsenal
OneRhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)


EightChe Adams (Birmingham City)
Conor Sammon (Heart of Midlothian)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kevin McDonald (Fulham)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2

OVERALL RESULT: HONOURS EVEN BETWEEN BARNEY’S POSH SIDE AND STEVE’S BLADES

Season 4 Game 04 (Midweek Madness 16-17 August)

THE ‘Cherish the (Censored) Titanic’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE (MIDWEEK MADNESS)

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Madonna (57), Frankie Boyle (44) and James Cameron (62).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Off the menu at the moment while they get a fresh delivery of horses…

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was at the door dealing with some ne’er do well who claimed to be from the Gas Board and missed Ross McCormack’s goal for Aston Villa. Normal service was resumed so Danny Hylton at Luton Town and Lee Miller at Carlisle United failed to score.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
And we’re blanking here in terms of Unisex names too. What a shower.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
…or maybe it does as we drew a blank.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
It’s a showbiz-free two days, it would seem.


Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
North Ferriby v Guiseley. Oh the horror, the far-right horror.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Nothing here either!

Miscellany

It’s was another – yes, you guessed it – blank.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilA rare blank.


FourDavid Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

charlton02
ThreeHarry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Nicky Bailey (Sutton United)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)

Arsenal
NilA Blankety-blank!


SixBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Ched Evans (Chesterfield) x2
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Macclesfield Town)
Kyle McFadzean (Burton Albion)

OVERALL RESULT: LUFFY’S BACK ON TRACK WITH ANOTHER BLADES WIN!

Season 4 Game 03 (12-15 August)

THE ‘Meg Griffin knocks out The Jerk’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Mila Kunis (33), Tyson Fury (28) and Steve Martin (71). Note: I thought Mila Kunis was the woman who persued an ‘Alternate Lifestyle’ in the film “Black Swan” but it seems she was also the voice of Meg Griffin in the dismal-but-fashionable animated series ‘Family Guy’. So there.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Alex Revell’s in Charlton’s discomfort’
Chris: ‘{Ross County’s} Boyce makes ‘Only Fools’ of Inverness Cally
Howard: ‘Bristol City Abraham scores but hasn’t reached the heights’ (google ‘The Heights of Abrahan’ if you must…)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
A fine early season effort for our friend from the darkside, who took time out from paying for a box of teabags in spare change to ensure a goal-less weekend for Gillingham’s Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (hooray!), Bristol City’s Jonathan Kodjia and Aberdeen’s Adam Rooney.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Fulfilled by er… Tony Craig of Millwall, though Mitch Rose’s Rotherham United – Ilkeston – Mansfield Town, is a strong runner up.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Ben Richards-Everton at Dunfermline certainly qualifies here, though his effort was an own goal. The centre-back is no stranger to defensive mishaps, as his previous club, Partick Thistle, would agree (SEE HERE)

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Brighton & Hove Albion 3-0 Nottingham Forest – on a friday night too, when the Forest fans could be enjoying themselves dodging bullets around the Arnold area, rather than ploughing through a 380 mile round trip.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Alfie Mawson is one of their best players and he has to be to get away with that first name in Barnsley. With that in mind, Swindon’s full-back Darnell (Son of Paul) Furlong has to be content with the Silver medal.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
The aforementioned Furlong does qualify for this category though, as that goal was his first in 47 first-team games.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Stranraer v Alloa Athletic at 1-4 on 33 min – Finished: 2-5 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Queen of the South v Ayr United at 3-0 on 49 min – Finished : 4-1- FAILED!
Chris
– called Elgin City v Edinburgh City at at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

This week’s “super, smashing, great” shirt sponsor is Rotherham United’s Hodge Clemco, who apparently make Abrasive Blasting Tools. ‘Abrasive Blasting’ also aptly describes the reception given to the players by Alan Stubbs and ‘Tools’ would’ve been the mildest of his comments after their 3-0 capitulation to the shambles of a team called Aston Villa.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
SixGary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Scott Carson (Derby County) o.g.
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


SevenDanny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons) x2
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)

charlton02
TwoMichael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Scott Carson (Derby County) o.g.

Arsenal
TwoDaniel Boateng (Airdrieonians) o.g.
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)


SixBilly Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Ched Evans (Chesterfield)
John Egan (Brentford) x2
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Scott Boden (Inverness Caledonian Thistle)

OVERALL RESULT: BARNEY BEATS OFF…ER..STIFF COMPETITION FROM CHRIS AND STEVE TO TAKE THE GAME!