THE Mary Poppins’ Hungover Dare HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Julie Andrews (81), Zack Galifianakis (47; whoever he may be…Barney?! Why?? Was there a shortage of birthdays?) and Sheffield legend Phil Oakey (61).
THE CATEGORIES
Zinger
Barney: ‘Arbroath’s defence was blind to Edinburgh’s See’
Chris: Absent
Howard: ‘Brighton’s goal was ‘Baldock’s’
The Dread Hand of Barney
Had a rather unfortunate moment at the Co-op, as they couldn’t find the option to use their 28 stamp books to pay at the self-service machines. After a nice young man helped it out, the quasi-supernatural being returned to its house and dropped the boom on Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez, Morecambe’s Cole Stockton and Hartlepool’s Nathan Thomas. Clearly the curse was stronger than expected as the Morecambe game was postponed due to a sudden downpour waterlogging the pitch. Elgin’s Craig Gunn was called as the replacement but only Nathan Thomas of the Monkeyhangers beat the sanction.
Pagga!
Delighted to report a winner here, with the rumble between Gateshead’s Danny Johnson (Straight Red for alleged ‘tackle’) and Torquay United’s Ben Gerring (retaliation). Adding to the fun, Gerring was only playing having appealed a previous red card. That’s going to be five matches he’ll be sitting out.
Fresh Hell
A rather unusual start to the proceedings, as Liverpool’s Jurgen Klopp cuts loose against his own team after a 2-1 win over Swansea:
“I was very angry. I have lost a lot of football games, but today makes no sense,” Klopp said. “We were not ready and it is my responsibility. It was not good.
“The build-up was too static, no movement. We were never compact enough and we lost a lot of balls. We got better in the second half and when we let the ball roll it became difficult for Swansea.
“The second half was better, but still not brilliant.”
Where’s Russell Martin?
Chester 5-0 Dover Athletic. Translates as a handsome 578 driving miles and 9hr 42 mins round trip for the team with the disappointingly mundane nickname of ‘The Whites’. Though thinking about it, that probably goes down rather well in that part of Kent.
Stealth Gub
Barney – called Kilmarnock v Aberdeen, called at 0-3 on 60 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard – called Forfar Athletic v Montrose called at 0-3 on 63 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris – AWOL FAILED!
You’re Not A Kid Anymore
Aberdeen’s Ash Taylor, christened ‘Ashton’. What’s wrong with Ashton Taylor? A perfect candidate for the late, lamented (by some of us) category of ‘Law Firm’ and possibly a ‘Born Under Burberry’ for that matter.
Old School
Millwall’s Fred Onyedima scored at the weekend, apparently impressing the watching Spurs boss, Bill Nicholson, in the process.
Miscellany
We clap our hands for Gillingham’s Rory Donnelly, who was sent off for ‘gesturing’ at the AFC Wimbledon fans. No footage of said transgression can be found, but descriptions report he signaled how many goals his team had conceded in a 2-0 defeat.
Guiseley, home of Barney’s favourite far-right MP, Philip Davies, haven’t won in the National League this season and are a very early candidate for The Travel Pages. ‘The Yorkshire Lions’ looked to change their form with the signing of ex-Blades and Oldham Athleticfull-back Connor Brown last week. Brown celebrated his debut by scoring an own goal in a 1-0 loss. Doesn’t get much more definite as far as a Make Ya Ma Proud moment goes.
This week’s shirt sponsor is The Jones Building Group, who adorn the kit of Yeovil Town FC. They claim to be a national group, which is backed up amply by having offices in places all over the UK. Or at least Plymouth, New Milton, Portishead and hey, Yeovil. Such a provincial sponsor is better than the alternative, which was the club’s players going topless for the 2012 team photo, highlighting the lack of a backer for their shirts. Thankfully, their well-upholstered manager at the time, Gary Johnson, wore a shirt for the shoot.
The Results
Chris Maguire (Oxford United)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Darren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Franck Moussa (Walsall)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Tom Soares (Bury)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Connor Brown (Guiseley) o.g.
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
OVERALL RESULT: FINALLY A BREAK FOR LUFFY – CHARLTON TAKE THE TITLE!
An Evening With Paul Robinson!
Like the number of categories – zero
