Season 4 Game 16 (Midweek Madness Bare Bones Edition 18-19 Oct)

THE ‘Dumbledore’s a Bad Neighbour on South Park’ (Or the ‘Whaddya mean there’s 47 clubs playing?’) HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of midweek birthdays for Michael Gambon (76), Zac Efron (29) and Trey Parker (47)

THE CATEGORIES

There are none as El Barno failed to realise there were 40+ qualifying teams playing midweek so he didn’t select the categories before the games began. The picture below is Barney’s Punishment:


Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson!

Miscellany

As blank as Blankety

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoJacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)


TwoDwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)

charlton02
FourFranck Moussa (Walsall)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
NilLike the number of categories – zero


FourAlex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
David Cotterill (Birmingham City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)

OVERALL RESULT: HONOURS SHARED BETWEEN UNITED AND CHARLTON!

Season 4 Game 15 (14-17 Oct)

THE James Bond’s Big Brother will beat Klitschko’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sir Roger Moore (89), Davina McCall (49) and Anthony Joshua (27).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{Yann}Songo’o s goal is music to Plymouth Argyle’s ears’
Chris: ‘Cheltenham’s {Billy} Waters floods Crawley’s leaky defence’
Howard: ‘Millwall’s {Calum} Butcher cuts through to score’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was very pleased to find a handsome selection of anti-macassars at John Lewis’, having received naught but perplexed expressions from the proprietors of Furniture Warehouse down the road. So our netherworld colleague was in good form and wasn’t too disaffected when Romelu Lukaku defied its curse, as neither Plymouth Argyle’s Graham Carey or Walsall’s Simeon (“Cinnamon”) Jackson netted.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
After last week’s excitement, it’s unsurprising that we didn’t note any player scoring at both ends over the weekend.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Barnet 1-1 Exeter City at half-time, Barnet 1-4 Exeter City at full-time. Despite Barnet’s manager Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen taking full responsibility for the loss, it’s still a 1-4 reverse against a team in the bottom four of Division Two. So we’ll throw in a ‘Fresh Hell’ in there too.

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Queen’s Park Rangers‘ Pavel Wszolak goal can’t be ignored as his surname is clearly an unlucky, though potentially valuable hand in Scrabble. However, he’s at QPR, who are in the top two divisions, so we’ll go with Benin international midfielder Romuald Boco, now in his third spell at Accrington Stanley after a long and er.. after a long career.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Sheffield United’s Ethan Ebanks-Landell scored at the weekend, shortly before issuing a loud ‘huzzah’ to the headteacher and a backhander to the first-year bursary boy for being a bursary boy. Know your place and all that [if that still applies in the 21st century, Barney!]

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Bolton Wanderers v Oldham Athletic was a solid shout, more so than the ‘Docklands Derby’ of Plymouth Argyle v Portsmouth, but Mr Smith pointed out Bury v Rochdale – just 7 miles between the two teams and has never been called ‘The 468 derby’. Until now.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Newcastle United v Brentford at 2-0 at 16 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Queen Of The South v Greenock Morton at 0-3 on 44 min – Finished: 0-5 – SUCCESSFUL GUB!
Chris
– called Sheffield United v Port Vale at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A round of applause to Queen Of The South, who were unbeaten all season, conceding just four goals in the process. This excellent start counted for zilch on Saturday, as Morton gubbed the Doonhamers 5-0.

We were also privy to a unanimously agreed ‘BENDTNER’ as Walsall’s striker Amadou Bakayoko scored his debut goal for Walsall in his 22nd game for the Saddlers.

This week’s shirt sponsor is County Insurance, who have their name on Southport’s shirts for the 2016/17 season, here’s the PR blurb:

‘The County Group are long standings friends and supporters of Southport FC, having previously sponsored the club’s floodlights and worked closely with the Trust in Yellow supporters group to help fund the fantastic new stadium floodlights.
The company provide personal insurance, business insurance and also provide mortgages & life insurance’

They may also insure floodlights.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United)


EightDwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
Four Jack Munns (Cheltenham Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Simon Makienok (Preston North End on loan from Palermo)

Arsenal
NilAnother clean sheet!


FourChristian Nade (Stranraer)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: NEVER IN DOUBT – BARNEY WINS THIS WEEK!

Charlton Athletic

Season 4 Game 14 (7-10 Oct)

THE ‘GORDON’S ALIVE and Shameless in London’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of stentorian foghorn Brian Blessed (80), Anne-Marie Duff and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan (both 46).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘{David} Clarkson puts St Mirren in overdrive’
Chris: ‘It’s curtains for Forfar as {Greg} Draper scores for The New Saints’
Howard: ‘This time it was {Jason} Kennedy doing the shooting for Carlisle’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Has been so engrossed by the generous coverage of Test Match Bowls on ITV4 that it almost forgot to send waves of non-scoring maliciousness to Oxford’s Maguire, Northampton’s Revell and Gillingham’s MacDonald, which only the latter withstood.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
The best that I can find is Braintree’s Lee Barnard. Even as I type this, I can see Mr Quick shaking his head. [Barney is right. I judge the defendant as “Not Guilty”]

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Tranmere Rovers v Wrexham: Deep cross in from right is caught by Wrexham keeper Shwan Jalal. Fellow Red Dragon, the appropriately-named Curtis Tilt, goes on tilt and barrels into Jalal, knocking himself, Jalal and ball into net. 1-0 Tranmere. [CLICK LINK] for all the details. Note Tilt’s pointing at Jalal and every other Wrexham player, and Jalal, throwing a cockeyed glare at Tilt. Reports that ‘Scooby Doo Noises’ were heard the away team’s dugout can’t be confirmed.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Christian Burgess at Portsmouth (Middlesborough – Peterborough United – Portsmouth) or Danny Woodards (Bristol Rovers – Tranmere Rovers, Boreham Wood) both got on the scoresheet. More of Mr Woodards in “Bendtner!”.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Easier than usual, thanks to Blackpool left-back and Duran Duran guitarist Andy Taylor’s late free kick equaliser against Cambridge United.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Boreham Wood’s defender Danny Woodards’ fifth goal in 323 appearances at the weekend. Goal per game ratio of 1 per 64.6 games, or a goal every 97 hours. But of course – BARNEY – he’s a DEFENDER!!!! and so ineligible for the award (see the small print in the Categories page).

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Edinburgh City v Elgin City at 0-2 on 35 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Sutton United v Woking at 3-0 on 47 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Doncaster Rovers v Barnet at 2-0 on 32 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Fun and games at Accrington Stanley (there’s an oxymoron) where during the 1-1 draw with Cheltenham Town, after Stanley’s Matty (rolls eyes) Pearson was buzzsawed by Harry Pell, resulting in a 20 person ‘handbags’ which also involved both sidelines. This game also saw Terry Gornell (4 in 56 games for Cheltenham Town) get his 8th goal in 20 games for Accrington and an unimpeachable It Don’t Mean Nuthin’

A Brighton is a rare find, so kudos goes to Dunfermline Athletic’s Farid El-Alagui and Plymouth Argyle’s Sonny Bradley. Both of these players scored twice at the right end and once at the wrong end. Technically, this is beyond a ‘Brighton’ and all enquiries regarding people scoring at both ends will be handled by our Adult Movie correspondent Barney…

This week’s shirt sponsor is ESEM, which books and organises training camps for ‘Some of Europe’s biggest teams’. Quite how many people will associate Edgeley Park, home of National League North side Stockport County with ‘Some of Europe’s biggest teams’ could be debated, but at least ESEM’s owner is a lifelong County fan, living as he does in northern Spain.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoRyan Lowe (Crewe Alexandra)
Shwan Jalal (Wrexham) o.g.


FourChristian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Shwan Jalal (Wrexham) o.g.

charlton02
OneNicky Bailey (Sutton United)

Arsenal
TwoBrandon Ormonde-Ottewill (Swindon Town) o.g.
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)


FiveAndy Taylor (Blackpool)
Darius Henderson (Mansfield Town)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Law (Bradford City)
Ryan Flynn (Oldham Athletic)

OVERALL RESULT: TWO 90TH MINUTE GOALS KEEP STEVE’S TITLE CHALLENGE ON TRACK!

Season 4 Game 13 (30 Sept – 3 Oct)

THE Mary Poppins’ Hungover Dare HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Julie Andrews (81), Zack Galifianakis (47; whoever he may be…Barney?! Why?? Was there a shortage of birthdays?) and Sheffield legend Phil Oakey (61).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Arbroath’s defence was blind to Edinburgh’s See’
Chris: Absent
Howard: ‘Brighton’s goal was ‘Baldock’s’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Had a rather unfortunate moment at the Co-op, as they couldn’t find the option to use their 28 stamp books to pay at the self-service machines. After a nice young man helped it out, the quasi-supernatural being returned to its house and dropped the boom on Arsenal’s Alexis Sanchez, Morecambe’s Cole Stockton and Hartlepool’s Nathan Thomas. Clearly the curse was stronger than expected as the Morecambe game was postponed due to a sudden downpour waterlogging the pitch. Elgin’s Craig Gunn was called as the replacement but only Nathan Thomas of the Monkeyhangers beat the sanction.

Pagga!Pagga!
Delighted to report a winner here, with the rumble between Gateshead’s Danny Johnson (Straight Red for alleged ‘tackle’) and Torquay United’s Ben Gerring (retaliation). Adding to the fun, Gerring was only playing having appealed a previous red card. That’s going to be five matches he’ll be sitting out.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
A rather unusual start to the proceedings, as Liverpool’s Jurgen Klopp cuts loose against his own team after a 2-1 win over Swansea:

“I was very angry. I have lost a lot of football games, but today makes no sense,” Klopp said. “We were not ready and it is my responsibility. It was not good.
“The build-up was too static, no movement. We were never compact enough and we lost a lot of balls. We got better in the second half and when we let the ball roll it became difficult for Swansea.
“The second half was better, but still not brilliant.”

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Chester 5-0 Dover Athletic. Translates as a handsome 578 driving miles and 9hr 42 mins round trip for the team with the disappointingly mundane nickname of ‘The Whites’. Though thinking about it, that probably goes down rather well in that part of Kent.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Kilmarnock v Aberdeen, called at 0-3 on 60 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Forfar Athletic v Montrose called at 0-3 on 63 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– AWOL FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Aberdeen’s Ash Taylor, christened ‘Ashton’. What’s wrong with Ashton Taylor? A perfect candidate for the late, lamented (by some of us) category of ‘Law Firm’ and possibly a ‘Born Under Burberry’ for that matter.

Old SchoolOld School
Millwall’s Fred Onyedima scored at the weekend, apparently impressing the watching Spurs boss, Bill Nicholson, in the process.

Miscellany

We clap our hands for Gillingham’s Rory Donnelly, who was sent off for ‘gesturing’ at the AFC Wimbledon fans. No footage of said transgression can be found, but descriptions report he signaled how many goals his team had conceded in a 2-0 defeat.

Guiseley, home of Barney’s favourite far-right MP, Philip Davies, haven’t won in the National League this season and are a very early candidate for The Travel Pages. ‘The Yorkshire Lions’ looked to change their form with the signing of ex-Blades and Oldham  Athleticfull-back Connor Brown last week. Brown celebrated his debut by scoring an own goal in a 1-0 loss. Doesn’t get much more definite as far as a Make Ya Ma Proud moment goes.

This week’s shirt sponsor is The Jones Building Group, who adorn the kit of Yeovil Town FC. They claim to be a national group, which is backed up amply by having offices in places all over the UK. Or at least Plymouth, New Milton, Portishead and hey, Yeovil. Such a provincial sponsor is better than the alternative, which was the club’s players going topless for the 2012 team photo, highlighting the lack of a backer for their shirts. Thankfully, their well-upholstered manager at the time, Gary Johnson, wore a shirt for the shoot.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Tom Soares (Bury)


FourConor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
FiveDarren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Franck Moussa (Walsall)
Marvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Tom Soares (Bury)

Arsenal
One Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)


FourBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Connor Brown (Guiseley) o.g.
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)

OVERALL RESULT: FINALLY A BREAK FOR LUFFY – CHARLTON TAKE THE TITLE!

Season 4 Game 12 (27-28 Sept)

THE ‘Lizzie McGuire and Pepper Potts in Pole Position’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Hilary Duff (29) Gwyneth Paltrow (44) and Formula 1’s Mika Hakkinen (48).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Scunthorpe’s {Neil} Bishop keeps Walsall in Check’
Chris: ‘Prince {Oniangue} crowns the Wolves equiliser’
Howard: ‘With Sam in the team, Barnsley will ‘Winnall’ their games’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…was delighted to find UK Gold were repeating the earliest episodes of Last Of The Summer Wine, with Compo, Clegg and Blamire, as it never really took to Foggy. Nethertheless, it took time out to foist tides of ill will in the direction of Luton Town’s Cameron McGeehan, Doncaster Rovers’ Andy Williams and Chesterfield’s Kristian Dennis. The latter scored 29 for Macclesfield last season, so dealt with the undead every home game and proved this steadfastness by scoring again on Tuesday, unlike the other two labouring under the curse.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
The best I could find is Jamie Ward, who’s last five clubs are Chesterfield, Sheffield United, Derby County, Nottingham Forest and now Burton Albion.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Luton’s Alan Sheeham, with 10 clubs to his name, scored on Tuesday. Runner-up was Jabo Ibehre, who, at the grand old age of 33, has had only the 9 clubs.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
It clearly didn’t on Tuesday and Wednesday as no incidences of scoring against old club were noticed by the HiH authorities.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
I reckon Bristol City’s goalscorer Marlon Pack fits in nicely here. Born in the inner-city hellhole of er… Portsmouth?

Bendtner!Bendtner!
It’s not a category this week – but he scored. Yes, really.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Wycombe Wanderers v Crewe Alexandra, called at 2-0 on 40 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– was AWOL – FAILED!
Chris
– called Walsall v Scunthorpe United, called at 0-2 on 13 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Ipswich Town’s bore-draw with Brighton & Hove Albion: one shot on target every 45 mins (that would be 2 in the entire game for those who are mathematically challenged).

Miscellany

Leyton Orient’s Robbie Weir hasn’t had a great start to the season, having lost the captaincy, then his place in the O’s team. Recalled, then getting sent off after NINETEEN SECONDS against Plymouth Argyle won’t help either but it does make for an excellent Make Ya Ma Proud.

Looking again at that game, it’s a double MYMP (as the kids have never, ever called it) for the Matchroom Stadium outfit, as Weir’s team-mate, full-back Jens Janse was also sent off, after 16 minutes on his home debut. Orient went on to lose 2-0. Fine work there.

Oh and Wigan Athletic’s goalscorer Adam Le Fondre’s proper first name is Glenville. So there.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
NilA rare blank


EightAlan Sheehan (Luton Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x3
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Harry Beautyman (Northampton Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
ThreeMarvin Sordell (Coventry City)
Scott Wagstaff (Gillingham)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
ThreeJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest)


Alex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion on loan from Nottingham Forest)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County) x2
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Nick Blackman (Derby County)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: YOU ONLY HAVE TO LOOK AT THE LIST ABOVE – THE BLADES WIN AGAIN!