Season 4 Game 20 (11-14 November)

THE ‘Drive with The Revenant and the White Queen’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ryan Gosling (36), Leonardo DiCaprio (42?!) and Anne Hathaway (34; not the one born c1555).


[a reverse from last week in that I’m sure there was one suggested here]
Chris: [nothing submitted]
Howard: ‘{Liam} Mandeville is feeling all Stoke-d’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Is deeply concerned with who will replace the lovely Desmond Carrington on The Music Goes Round. It hopes someone of a similar age, such as Brian Matthew will be entrusted with the job rather than an inexperienced type like Ken Bruce. With this on its mind, it was no real surprise that Solihull Moors’ [Akwasi] Asante broke the curse and scored, though Colchester United’s [Chris] Porter didn’t and neither did Livingstone’s [Liam] Buchanan, though the latter had the flimsy excuse that Livi weren’t playing at the weekend.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Tranmere Rovers’ Micky Mellon dropped down two divisions to return to his footballing home, no doubt he’ll have been wishing he was back at Shrewsbury Town (possibly) after the Prenton Park outfit converted a half-time home 2-0 lead against Chester into a 2-2 draw at the final whistle.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
We know there are other players with double-barreled names out there, but once again it’s the Keanu Marsh-Brown (Forest Green) and Jay Emmanuel-Thomas show here. Which will probably get them into the Cambridge Footlights revue and at least one moderately-received series on BBC-4 sharpish.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Well, this is rather tenuous, but Jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie’s favoured bass player was Sam Jones, who also scored twice at the weekend for Gateshead. A fine effort given the musician has been dead for 35 years.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
This is almost too good. Highland League leaders Brora Rangers 8 (that’s E-I-G-H-T), bottom club Fort William 0. Case closed, m’lud.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– didn’t call one – FAILED!
– called Millwall v Bristol Rovers, called at 3-0 on 58 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– didn’t call one – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Bobby-Joe Taylor of Maidstone United. Sounds like a Lad-Mag mainstay, but is in fact ‘The Stones’ (innovative nickname that) leading goalscorer to date.


A veritable wave of ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’s’ at the Portsmouth v Mansfield Town game, and all for the away team too. On-loan West Bromwich Albion full-back Kyle Howkins celebrated his Stags debut with a red card on 57 mins for a second bookable. Mansfield boss Adam Murray re-jigged the team, bringing on Alex Iacovitti on the hour to slot in at his familiar left-back role. Sadly, Iacovitti himself went less than 15 minutes later for a so-late-you-could-have measured-it-on-a-sundial tackle. Mansfield subsequently shipped three goals in the last 15 minutes, losing 4-0 and Murray resigned midweek after 14 years and four jobs at the club.

This week’s sponsors: Bolton Wanderers won many plaudits for turning down a deal with the usurers QuickQuid and dropping when it was revealed the spread-betting firm was offering odds on Bolton’s Under-18 games. However, that was before Bolton’s financial crisis, so when widely-panned online gambling site came up with the readies, the Trotters ran to the trough.

The Results

ThreeLeon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Nile Ranger (Southend United) x2

FourKyle Vassell (Blackpool) x2
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

OneLeon Clarke (Sheffield United)

ThreeJay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient) x2

TwoBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)


Season 4 Game 19 (4-7 November)

THE ‘Saga Continues for Gwen Tracy on Eggheads’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of P Diddy (surely time to ditch the silly name at 46, Sean?), Emma Stone (28) and former Egghead, CJ de Mooi (48).


‘Charlton’s {Ademola} Lookman eyes up second round’
Chris: *Absent*
Howard: [Sure I had one here, but nothing exists in the Barney archive. I think it was deported by Donald Trump.]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes Mr Trump will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood Town’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln City’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Crawley Town’s Andre Blackman had a lot to say against Bristol Rovers, so much so he was booked for foul and abusive language and subsequently red carded for dissent. A reality show with him and Ross Flitney (see below) could see Channel 4, beat it’s own swearing record.

This category has enjoyed a decent run recently but it’s drawn a blank today. It might have to fight itself, like the winos outside Bargain Booze.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Colchester United’s Tarique Fosu-Henry has been here before so we’ll go with the superbly named Duane Ofori-Acheampong at Dartford instead. Clearly named after a gas cloud in the Surrey town…. A Cheam Pong – see what I’ve done there. [EDIT: Barney wrote this. I feel he should get the full kicking. er credit, he deserves here]

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Accrington Stanley’s Romauld Boco appears in another category, having racked up the requisite 10 clubs in his career, including Accrington (not once, not twice, but thrice), Sligo Rovers (Twice) and of course, FC Bharat of India.Here he is (above) looking cross-eyed, shortly after saying he was delighted to be back at Accrington….

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney – called Bournemouth v Sunderland at 1-0 on 21 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Howard – called Shrewsbury Town v  Barnet at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Braintree Town v Eastbourne Borough at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 7-0 – SUCCESSFULLY GUBBED (A Wham, in fact)!!

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was pleased to see that attractive young fellow Mr Trump win the US election as politics shouldn’t be left to women. It hopes the new President will indeed make America great again, back to a time when men were men, women were women and children had polio. This good mood was enhanced when neither Fleetwood’s Ashley Hunter, Lincoln’s Matt Rhead or Walsall’s Erhun Ozhumer (“the Turkish Messi”) scored.

Old SchoolOld School
Gillingham’s Frank Nouble scored twice against Brackley Town to save them from an embarrassing defeat against lower league opposition. [EDIT: as a late zinger entry – “it’s a Nouble effort from Frank”. What do you mean, “No” ?]


Drama(rama) in the first round ofthe FA Cup tie between Whitehawk and Stourbridge (bet they were thrilled to be drawn against each other rather than a glamourous home tie v Rochdale). Local Boy Javier Fevarel hit a screamer (“left foot…CRACK!” ?) for the home team around two seconds after referee blows the final whistle. Consternation ensues, interrupted only by referee dishing out a straight red to Whitehawk’s veteran goalie Ross Flitney for an exquisite outburst of foul language that you usually only get from one of Barney’s favourite unpleasant comedians. Or Wayne Rooney, who is probably funnier.

As is always the case in the first round of the FA Cup, there were some heartening tales of plucky part-timers getting gubbed (Merstham 0-5 Oxford United) and Mullahed (Northampton Town 6-0 Harrow Borough) in true Darwinesque fashion, plus Chris’ choice for the Stealth Gub – Braintree Town, who as you’ve already read, whammed Eastbourne Borough, 7-0.

[EDIT Alas, Braintree’s impressive efforts count for naught as we are directed to the far North of Scotland, where Rothes 0-9 Wick Academy is a full-time score, it’s a dry Wyngarde in deepest Morayshire and that’s got to sting a bit.]

This week’s sponsor is not an actual sponsor as such, as whilst an anonymous donor is paying for Save The Children to be emblazoned on the front of Heart Of Midlothian’s home shirts, the Jam Tarts (no really) don’t appear to have an away shirt backer. This is because their away shirts for the 2016/17 are bloody awful. Supporting evidence below:

The Results

SixConnor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Glenn Whelan (Stoke City)
Hallam Hope (Bury) x2
Marnick Vermijl (Preston North End)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

FourBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

SevenDarren Bent (Derby County)
Frank Nouble (Gillingham) x2
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

ThreeRoarie Deacon (Sutton United) x2
Steve Sidwell (Brighton and Hove Albion)

Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Billy Paynter (Hartlepool United)
Ched Evans (Chesterfield)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Ryan Flynn (Oldham Athletic)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley) o.g.


Season 4 Game 18 (28-31 Oct)

THE ‘I’m Still Here, at my Best Friend’s Wedding, in The Tardis’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Joaquin [formerly ‘Leaf’] Phoenix (42), Julia Roberts (49) and Matt Smith (34).


{David} ‘Gold sets the standard for Arbroath’
Chris: {Darren} ‘Potter works his magic for MK Dons’
Howard: ‘MK Dons’ Potter wheels away in delight’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was very pleased to receive through the letterbox a copy of ‘Big Hearted Arthur’ they’d sent off for, not trusting this electronic mail nonsense.  The Dread Hand’s grotto was soon alive with the sound of ‘What A Nice Lot Of Nazis They Are’ [Yes, it’s a real song – click the green text for a link to prove it] amongst others, and it could be this joie de vivre which meant Alex Jones at Port Vale, Brad Potts at Blackpool and Louis Moult at Motherwell all blanked..

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
It’s a repeat appearance for Motherwell’s Lionel Ainsworth, late of Rotherham United and Aldershot before linking up with the Steelmen. Second time around too for Barnsley’s Marley Watkins: Cheltenham Town – Inverness Caledonian Thistle – Barnsley. More on the Tykes winger below…

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Ipswich Town’s players narrowly avoided such a fate from Mick McCarthy with a very late equaliser against Rotherham United, but no such good fortune awaited their good friends at Norwich City, where Alex Neil would’ve had the sulphur boiling nicely away in the visiting dressing room after their 5-0 gubbing by Brighton & Hove Albion.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Decided by the early kickoff, Barrow 4-0 Eastleigh. Eastleigh fans have lots to discuss on the return end of that 602 miles, 10 hour round trip. Or time to get boozed-up on the train(s) back…

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Barnsley’s Marley Watkins has previous in this category [EDIT: No; was only used as a zinger – “Marley ghosted in”] and anyway was comfortably overtaken by Newport’s fullback Jazzi Barnum-Bobb’s maiden goal for the Rodney Parade outfit. Work hard at school kids, get 11 GCSE passes and you too can be slogging it out for the league’s 90th ranked club oh never mind at least I tried [EDIT: But, it’s a well paid job, even at the bottom end of the professional leagues!]

I’m afraid we will be disagreeing on this category – SINCE IT’S ALL ABOUT STRIKERS! – Barney writes: ‘We appear to have decreed a BENDTNER! Is 1 every 10 games for a striker and 1 per season for any other position. Derby’s Cyrus Christie may qualify here, scoring his 4th goal in 190 appearances.’ [But this is all about strikers. Strikers who don’t strike – HENCE THE NAME BENDTNER! DEFENDERS ARE NOT EXPECTED TO SCORE SO WHY. WHY WHY?!?!?]. At this point, my head exploded, with my last words thought to be “Marouane Chamakh?”

Stealth Gub
– called Scunthorpe United v Swindon Town, at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
– called Fulham v Huddersfield Town at 3-0 on 42 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!!
– called Bolton Wanderers v Port Vale, called at 2-0 on 11 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!


You can always rely on extreme results in either the Scottish lower leagues or the Welsh domestic leagues. So we shouldn’t be that surprised that the replay needed after last week’s ‘energetic’ Banks O’Dee vs Formartine United game ended up 7-2 to Formartine. We also saw an exceptionally rare event, the ‘One-Man Gub’, enacted by Buckie Thistle’s John McLeod, who netted five times in their 6-2 good seeing to over Gretna 2008.

This week’s shirt sponsor is Alan Storrar Cars, who have took over as principal shirt sponsors of St Johnstone for this season and next. We are assured the new sponsors are ‘Perthshire’s leading independent used car dealership’ [is there much competition for this title?]

One hopes the quality of the cars they proffer is rather better than the logo on the Saintees shirts, looks like it’s been ironed on:
(And the full story is here: LINK)

Also worth pointing out last year’s sponsors were called InvestInPerth. And no-one did, which is why they didn’t take up 2016 sponsorship option.

The Results

SixDarren Potter (Milton Keynes Dons)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Gary Gardner (Aston Villa)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

NineCharlie Lee (Stevenage)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool) x2
Lawrie Wilson (Bolton Wanderers)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Shaun Batt (Barnet)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

TwoAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Lawrie Wilson (Bolton Wanderers)

OneRhys Murphy (Forest Green Rovers)

TwoKevin McDonald (Fulham)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)


Season 4 Game 17 (21-24 Oct)

THE ‘keeping Up With The Tall Man in the Deadpool’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Golblum (63), Kim Kardashian (36) and Ryan Reynolds (39).


‘East Kilbride’s Gibbons gets sent off, goes ape’ [after the defender’s red card for violent conduct].
Chris: ‘It’s good-night from Joe Day’ [following the Newport County keeper’s dismissal v Plymouth Argyle].
Howard: ‘”What’cha talkin’ about Willis?”’ After Stenhousemuir’s Willis Furtado gets a second yellow for Foul and Abusive Language. [EDIT: I don’t remember suggesting this one!]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Found the recent reruns of Time Team series 1 to be fascinating, though it wishes young Mick Harding would get a haircut. Our semi-supernatural acquaintance managed to stall the goalscoring runs of Preston North End’s Hughill and Dundee United’s Toni Andreu, alas, Barrow’s Byron Harrison’s goal against Woking prevented a clean sweep.

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Has produced nothing this week. Maybe because of the Southern Rail strike. Is keeping a watchful eye on Sunderland and Fort William though.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
It’s a blank. Not even a drink-drive offence. Football players, sort it out. Dover Athletic’s Ricky Miller was the closest, having been found not guilty of aggravated assault. Let’s hope he didn’t use the same legal chicanery as Ched Evans’ lawyers…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Shrewsbury Town’s Ivan Toney was a teenage star at Northampton Town before joining Newcastle United for an ‘undisclosed fee’ a couple of years back. He’s thrived there, which is why he’s made zero starts for Ashley Inc. and is on loan at League One’s bottom club, where he scored both Shrews goals against the Cobblers in a 2-4 reverse. Mind you, it could be worse, he could be working at Sports Direct…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Forest Green Rovers (2nd in National League) 3 Guiseley (Last) 0. And the Nailsworth outfit hit the post twice.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
– called Huntly v Spartans [NOTE: not the amateur side from The Arsenal StadiumMystery] called at 0-2 on 25 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
– called Blackpool v Doncaster Rovers at 4-1 on 50 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
– called Dover Athletic v Braintree Town at 4-1 on 41 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUBBED!!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Torquay United 0-0 Aldershot Town. Five shots on target. That sounds good to these ears and this category. [NOTE: Torquay’s own website described the first half as “lively” !]


Quite a bit to cover (ie. a lot of waffle!)

Couldn’t help but notice Solihull Moors’ Damson Park ground is now known as The Automated Technology Group Stadium. Accusations the team played like robots may be closer to the truth than usual.

A HIH ‘chapeau’ to the aforementioned Ricky Miller, who indulged in a one man ‘good seeing to’ against Braintree Town [this made it 15 goals in 15 appearances in all competitions this season].

Because The Cavendish actually put the sound on, we were blessed with hearing a 60p from Chesterfield’s Proact stadium, which was built all those years ago in 2009. We also got a vintage Merson-vous-anglais, where Leicester City’s Algerian target man (Islam Slimani) was described as “Isam Salami” by Mr Merson to the amusement of his fellow panellists.

Fun and games in the Scottish cup qualifiers, can you guess what happened in this game?

30:37, GOAL!!! Derek Young (Formartine United)

31:09 Kane Winton (Banks O’Dee) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

31:44 Derek Young (Formartine United) is shown a straight red for violent conduct

A PAGGA!, in the home of PAGGAs.

A PAGGA! Is rarely bettered, but Preston Athletic’s efforts against Montrose are worthy of least an honourable mention:

Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose.

91’ Jack Jardine (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for a dangerous tackle.

92’ Gavin Stephenson (Preston Athletic) is shown a second yellow card for foul and abusive language

92’ FT Preston Athletic 0-3 Montrose

Danny O’Rourke (Preston Athletic) is shown a straight red card for foul and abusive language.

We’re in rarified air for this week’s sponsor, as it is Premier League club Hull City (won’t be saying that next year, according to Barney) and their 3 year deal with SportPesa which, as I’m sure you all know, is a sports betting company based in Kenya. Yes, Kenya. Not quite the most economically stable of countries, but Hull’s commercial department were clearly swayed by the company’s assurances that business was ‘doing pretty good’ and they ‘employed many people’ (from Financial Times-click here for link) So that’s just fine, nothing to worry about there.

The Results

OneGrant Holt (Hibernian)

EightDanny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall) x2
Gabriel Zakuani (Northampton Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

ThreeAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Matt Fry (York City)

TwoAnthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)
Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest)

10Alex Baptiste (Preston North End on loan from Middlesbrough)
Andy Taylor (Blackpool, o.g.)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)-counting double against old club
Chris Porter (Colchester United) x2
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion)
Jordan Slew (Plymouth Argyle)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)