Season 4 Game 27 (17-20 Dec)

THE ‘Alice plays tricks on Matilda’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of The Fifth Element’s Milla Jovovich (41), Dynamo (34) and Roald Dahl’s favourite illustrator Quentin Blake (84).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Dundee have ‘Bitton’ off more than they can chew against Celtic’ {Nir Bitton}
Chris: ‘It’s a Red Cardy for Jamie Vardy’ (Mr Smith insists this is recorded as his effort, though three other unspecified efforts were rejected by
Howard: ‘{Luke} Wilkinson puts Barnet to the sword’

The Dread Hand of Barney
Got into something of a mix-up at the Christmas fete. The being had misplaced its reading glasses and saw Santa Claus as ‘Satan’s Claws’ making them a natural for this role. All ended happily though, with £118.27 being raised for worthy causes and a few junior souls harvested for the other side. The hand failed to prevent Bjorn Johnsen of Heart of Midlothian making it five in five games, but did throw the psychic handbrake on Eastleigh’s Mikael Mandron and Bolton Wanderers’ Zach Clough.

Don’t Call Me Shirley
No outright winner here. Possibly Newport County’s Joss Labadie or Nicky Cadden of Livingston.

Pagga!
Nothing.

…And Stay Out!
That would be Mr Labadie again. Quite the traveller – West Bromwich Albion, Tranmere Rovers, Notts County, Torquay United, Dagenham & Redbridge and now Newport County.

Known To The Authorities
Nile Ranger scored for Southend United. At this point, Barney put his pen down, rather like a Second throwing in the towel…

Unpleasant Local Derby
Rather too close to home. Owls v Rotherham United. At least they can travel in style on those flash(i.e. overpriced) new X1 Steel Line buses, named after that industry that we once had in South Yorkshire (ask yer grandad about ‘Steel’).

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Dagenham & Redbridge v Solihull Moors at 0-3 on 14 min – Finished: 4-4 – FAILED!
Howard – called Middlesborough v Swansea City at 3-0 on 55 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Burton Albion v Newcastle United, called at 0-1 on 10 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A future Burberry was spotted in the shape of Dagenham & Redbridge youngster Tyrique Hyde scoring his first senior goal, but our attention was largely taken with an impressive Make Ya Ma Proud by Rotherham United’s Richard Wood, who single-handedly pushed the bus parked in front of the Millers goal by seceding a 93rd minute penalty, collecting a red card and seeing said penalty converted by the Owls – his first team – for a 1-0 loss.

We’ll head over Offa’s Dyke (if Offa doesn’t mind) and into Rodney Parade for this week’s sponsor, which will bring a nostalgic tear to the eye of some of you out there called Chris. That’s because Newport County are sponsored by none other than Mr Tom Peanut Crunch, who sponsored The Owls during yon glory years when they won “nowt” [that’s “nothing”, Southern folk!] at Wembley.

Here’s some blurb from Mr Tom Sales Director Richard Williams:

“We want to commit to the club for a long time, we want to be here supporting County for as long as we can.

The first season for us as sponsors has been very successful and we want to continue to be associated with the club.

We are a local business and we’re proud to see our logo on the front of the shirts, to see people walking around the city with Mr Tom on their shirts brings a smile to your face.”

[Followed by the phrase ‘I didn’t realise The Owls had an orange strip back in the mid 90s’. Maybe.]

Finally Bryan Prunty scored. This rendered all of the previous section irrelevant. All hail the Prunty.

The Results

Chris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Isaiah Osbourne (Walsall)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Nile Ranger (Southend United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)

Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Jeff Hughes (Tranmere Rovers on loan from Cambridge United)
Shaun Brisley (Carlisle United)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x2
Simon Makienok (Preston North End on loan from Palermo)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)

Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)

Chris Robertson (AFC Wimbledon)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jordan Chapell (Chester)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)

OVERALL RESULT: SHARING THE POINTS THIS WEEK – BARNEY AND CHRIS, WITH A “LUCKY” SEVEN EACH!

December 17, 2016

Season 4 Game 26 (13-14 December)

THE ‘Dr. Sloan and Django see Red’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Dick Van Dyke (91), Jamie Foxx (49) and Taylor Swift (27).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
None recorded. I think Barney’s agents have had all evidence of their existence erased.

The Dread Hand of Barney
Was last seen heading towards Age UK’s local Christmas party. Heaven (or maybe hell) only knows what will happen if it hits the mother’s ruin. Expect a karaoke rendition of ‘We’ll Meet Again’ and an outbreak of localised demonic possession. The festive mood was enhanced by the blanking of West Ham United’s Dmitri Payet, Newcastle United’s Dwight Gayle and Brentford’s Scott (no relation to Paul) Hogan.

Make Ya Ma Proud
Gordon Greer was a valued servant and captain of Brighton & Hove Albion during his six-year tenure with the Seagulls. He was controversially released by the South coast club who felt he’d lost a yard of pace at the age of 36. Greer quickly found another club in Blackburn Rovers, and celebrated meeting up with his old club by picking up a second bookable on 64 minutes.

Day Trip To Brighton
This category is always something of a long shot, even more so in a midweek edition, and so it proved. The next day trip I make to Brighton will see me visiting their BrewDog bar, now that I know it’s there (thanks to our Southern contingent…)

Reverse Churchill
A round of applause to Shrewsbury Town’s new(ish) boss Paul Hurst, who oversaw 2-0 lead over Fleetwood Town after an hour, but they went down to ten men, and it descended into a 3-2 reverse, seeing their FA Cup run well and truly terminated.

Fresh Hell
Stourbridge [of the Northern Premier League Premier Division]1-0 Northampton Town. This is Northampton’s manager Robert Page.
“Next!”

Stealth Gub
It would appear that this category was bizarrely overlooked by all 3 of us. An internal enquiry will be launched, where it will be found to be all Barney’s fault.

You’re Not A Kid Anymore
No Mattys or Stevies were spotted scoring in the midweek. Were they all writing letters to Santa?

Miscellany

Nothing to report here also. Except “my, it’s bracing!”

The Results

Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)

Joe Newell (Rotherham United)

Simon Makienok (Preston North End on loan from Palermo)
Dale Stephens (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)

Cesc Fabregas (Chelsea)
Matthew Connolly (Cardiff City)

An extremely rare blank!

OVERALL RESULT: LOW SCORES ALL ROUND BUT CHARLTON TAKE THE CAKE!

December 17, 2016December 17, 2016

Season 4 Game 25 (9-12 December)

THE ‘Good Morning Britain, Spartacus is a Nancy Boy’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Susannah Reid (46), Kirk Douglas (100) and Placebo’s Brian Molko (44).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Exeter’s Wheeler deals two late blows to Cheltenham’
Chris: [Working, or at staff jolly. Hard to tell the difference really.]
Howard: ‘Fletcher’s late strike arrows in’

The Dread Hand of Barney
Enjoyed a rare day out on the Mystery Christmas Shopping coach trip to Chesterfield market, doing what any other aged citizen would do – stocking up on cardigans just in time for the summer, not buying anything at a stall after 20 minutes of dithering and summoning a lesser demon to deal with a purse snatcher. The hand got back in time to point a decayed digit at Yeovil Town’s Otis Khan, Barnsley’s Sam Winnall and Queen Of The South’s Stephen Dobbie, which only the latter defied.

Tony Craig’s Oyster Card
Draws a blank. Exeter City’s David Wheeler (Brighton and Hove Albion – Lewes – Staines Town – Exeter City) was probably the closest, but the latter two clubs show Wheeler was being far too adventurous.

Local Boy Makes Good
In the words of Fifteen To One legend William G. Stewart ‘You’ve got options’. For the surreal, we’ll go with Stenhousemuir’s Spanish midfielder Carlos Martinez, or for actual distance, how about The Blades’ Caolan Lavery, who represents Northern Ireland despite being born and raised in the Canadian town of Red Deer.

Are You My Fag?
Newport County’s Tom Owen-Evans scored his first goal for the Rodney Parade team in a game abandoned at half-time due to an unfit pitch and the need to get the sheep back inside the barn.

Born In Burberry
A runaway winner in Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Kortney Hause. Will probably be blowin’ the place out well wicked later. [What does that mean exactly Barney?]

Stealth Gub
Barney – called 0898 60 60 60 – FAILED!
Howard – called 4-0 Birmingham, called at 3-0 on 58 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called 118 118 – FAILED!

An Evening With Paul Robinson
This category was made for Aberdeen’s bore-draw with St Johnstone, played in freezing conditions with both teams combining for 3 shots on target. Looking again at Saturday’s results, Mansfield Town’s goalless encounter with Colchester United (total of 5 shots on target) also merits mention.

Miscellany

Benik Afobe’s goal on Saturday was his first in 20 games and that’s an undeniable Bendtner!

Craig Hignett is best described as a determined, forthright type who delivered a Halftime Churchill for the ages, seeing his Hartlepool charges subside to a 5-0 home gubbing to Cambridge with all the goals coming after 45 minutes. Quoth Hignett after the game:

‘I’ve had some bad days in football that’s probably the worst I’ve had. It’s tough to take. It’s not about systems it’s about character and having a bit of bottle about you when things are going against you. Can you dig deep, can you fight for your mate, can you hang in in a game? But we can’t. I think we’re soft’

And that would be a Fresh Hell.

This week’s shirt sponsor is Toni Macaroni, which is a Scottish-Italian restaurant chain with up-market pretensions. These pretensions kind of stop when it is revealed they’re sponsoring Livingston FC for the season. The stadium formerly known as Almondvale is now the Toni Macaroni Arena. Tripadvisor reviews of these restaurants are as mixed as the season has been for Livi, varying from ‘Just what we needed’ to ‘Don’t go there – it’s a rip-off’

The Results

Benik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Caolan Lavery (Sheffield United)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers) x2
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)

Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x3
Gabriel Zakuani (Northampton Town)
George Boyd (Burnley)
Jake Livermore (Hull City)
Paul Coutts (Sheffield United)

Luke Varney (Ipswich Town)

Benik Afobe (Bournemouth)
James Dunne (Cambridge United)
Jay Simpson (Leyton Orient)
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest) o.g. [doing what he did best!]

Ched Evans (Chesterfield)
Jamie Ward (Burton Albion on loan from Nottingham Forest)

OVERALL RESULT: LIVERMORE’S GOAL TIPS THE BALANCE FOR BARNEY – A WIN FOR THE POSH!

December 14, 2016December 15, 2016

Season 4 Game 24 (2-5 December)

THE ‘Dude is Toxic and Paranoid’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jeff Bridges (67), Britney Spears (35) and Ozzy Osbourne (68).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘That’s 4 in 5 games, Otis Khan’t stop scoring for Yeovil’
Chris: [Wisely kept his counsel.]
Howard: ‘Another goal for Hearts’ Johnsen – Is he Bjorn again?’

The Dread Hand of Barney
Is enjoying the reruns of Murder She Wrote which appear to be on every channel which starts with a ‘2’ on Sky (and for those not funding the Murdoch regime, almost any ITV Freeview channel). It particularly enjoyed the episode which featured Patrick McGoohan, who as everyone knows was John Steed in The Avengers, Patrick Macnee? No, he was on Emmerdale. Patrick Mower? No?? The curse was also subject to a similar level of confusion, as Liam Mandeville of Doncaster Rovers and Tom Elliott of AFC Wimbledon (twice!) scored, leaving Woking’s Gozie Ugwu as the odd one out.

Claridge Clock
Matt Tubbs, along with Richard Brodie, were the original ‘He S@%&s Goals’ in days gone by. The former scored on his debut for Sutton United – his eleventh club (to date).

Diamond Lights
If Catatonia’s guitarist and Barnsley centre-back Marc Roberts doesn’t make the grade then Fulham’s striker and irritatingly nice Coldplay frontman Chris artin certainly will. Technically also, you could have had Simon Walton, now of Guiseley, as his full name is Simon William Walton. Yes, this is BBC Radio 3…

Darwinism In Action
Scottish cup action here as ‘Plucky’ Beith Rovers were mullahed 6-0 by ‘Rampant’ Greenock Morton. The Bellsdale Park outfit compete in the magnificently named ‘McBookie.com West Of Scotland Superleague’. That is all.

Where’s Russell Martin?
Swansea City fans were given new heart last week after their spectacular 5-4 victory over Crystal Palace. Alas, Lindsey[?], what football giveth, football taketh away and after their 5-0 gubbing at Spurs, no stirring renditions of ‘Men Of Harlech’ were heard on the return leg of the 381 mile journey, just the occasional expletive regarding Sunderland 2-1 Leicester City.

Bendtner!
The award goes to, hmm, Nicklas Bendtner of Nottingham Forest who got his second of the season on Friday, failing that, we’ll go with Leeds United’s Kemar Roofe and his first goal in 21 games for the team with the entirely above-board owner.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Tottenham Hotspur v Swansea City at 3-0 on 48 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
Howard – called Stevenage v Doncaster Rovers at 0-3 on 35 min (a great call!) – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
Chris – called Norwich City v Brentford, called at 2-0 on 18 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!

Miscellany

We’ll start with the on-pitch rumble between Jermaine Beckford of Preston North End and Eoin Doyle of, er, Preston North End for which both players received straight reds for violent conduct from a stunned ref and three match bans. After some debate, your honourable panellists deemed this event an ‘Internal Pagga’.

Inspiring words at the break from Liam McDonald saw his Solihull Moors outfit flip a surprise 2-0 away lead into a 6-2 Good Seeing To at the hands of Luton Town in a top-notch Half-time Churchill.

Dylan Nguene Bikey scored on debut for Stirling Albion at the weekend. Bikey’s previous club was the port town of Dieppe, where he was born. This makes not only eligible for Local Boy Makes Good, but […and I’ll let Barney rant from here on in…] being from Dieppe and having a name like that could well be enough for Britain First to protest outside Forthbank Satdium.

This week’s sponsors: It’s been dark, dark, days for the steel industry, none more so than in Scunthorpe, where employees at the old Tata plant were told to accept pay cuts and severe reductions in their pensions or face redundancy. Having chosen to stay in a job they were informed they now worked for the revived British Steel group. Quite what these workers thought of said British Steel shelling out to sponsor Scunthorpe United for the next two years is not recorded but it’ll warm their hearts to know their financial sacrifices aren’t for nothing. [And thus ends the leader in this week’s Socialist Worker…]

The Results

Chris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)

Alex Pritchard (Norwich City)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Paul Coutts (Sheffield United)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)

Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)
Simon Walton (Guiseley)

Luke Freeman (Bristol City)
Nicklas Bendtner (Nottingham Forest)
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)

Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town) x2
Simon Walton (Guiseley)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: SORRY STEVE – IT’S ANOTHER WIN FOR THE BLADES!

December 13, 2016

Season 4 Game 23 (25-28 November)

THE ‘Kelly Bundy, THERE’LL NEVER BE A RIGHT TIME to Have Your Babies’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Christina Applegate (45), Professor Green (33) and Natasha Bedingfield (35).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Yeovil Town’s striker scores – but {Otis} ‘Khan’ the Glovers hold on to the lead?’
Chris: ‘Mansfield Town’s {Mitch] Rose remains a thorn in Carlisle United’s side’
Howard: {Mark}‘Duffy shows no ‘Mercy’ to Charlton’[as Sheffield United went 1-0 up. Full time score 1-1]

The Dread Hand of Barney
Had a bit of a kerfuffle earlier in the week as it had to take Cerberus to the vets. When the receptionist asked how old the hound was, the response was ‘Several millennia, my dear’, so the receptionist decided to write ‘unknown’ on the form. Despite this interruption, the hand was in excellent form, not only blanking Philippe Coutinho at Liverpool and Newport County’s Josh Sheehan, but also arranging for the Macclesfield Town v Dover Athletic game to be abandoned, which is about the only way you can stop Dover’s Ricky Miller from scoring these days [as of the 12th of December, he has 24 goals in 22 appearances in all competitions].

Pagga!
It’s a blank. We were going so well too.

…And Stay Out!
I believe Jackson Irvine certainly fits the bill here, going from Glasgow Celtic – Ross County – Burton Albion.

Fresh Hell
This can only belong to Crystal Palace’s Alan Pardew and his team’s late capitulation to the mighty Swansea City. The 5-4 reverse led to Pardew’s post-match interviews being wordless, with him gesticulating wildly and making ‘Scooby Doo’ noises.

It Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Birmingham City’s Clayton Donaldson made his name at Brentford and scored against them at the weekend. This achievement was also shared by Carlisle United’s Reggie Lambe, who scored against Mansfiel Town . Neither had anything bad to say against their former clubs so didn’t really celebrate their goals, but the Cumbrian’s winger’s full name is Reginald Everard Vibert Thompson-Lambe. Try getting that shirt printed.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Carlisle United v Mansfield Town at 3-1 on 66 min – Finished: 5-2 – FAILED!
Howard – called Ipswich Town v QPR at 3-0 on 63 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Chesterfield v Bristol Rovers at 3-1 on 61 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!

Old School
We actually had no less than four solid contenders for this category, but the only new name in there is Reading’s Roy Beerens, who celebrated his second of the season with the home fans at Elm Park.

Miscellany

No unusal events were recorded for this week. But as an added bonus…

You know those super-annoying survey requests which pop up on various sites? Well, tp. are responsible for some of those and now they’re sponsoring Blackpool, who are still owned by Karl Oyston, who is as popular among Tangerine fans as those survey requests which pop up on various sites.

The Results

Luke Varney (Ipswich Town)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Jack Payne (Blackpool)
Josh Thompson (Southport)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)

Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Frank Nouble (Gillingham)
Luke Varney (Ipswich Town)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Henri Lansbury (Nottingham Forest) x3
Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers)

Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon) [note: some sites say Tom Elliott, but the shot was deflected in off Poleon. BBC, Guardian and both two clubs’ official sites say Poleon. So there.]
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Jordan Chapell (Chester)
Kevin McDonald (Fulham)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)

OVERALL RESULT: CLOSE ONE FOR ME, BUT POINTS SHARED BETWEEN THE BLADES AND THE ADDICKS!

December 3, 2016

Score update

Sheffield United 11.5
Peterborough United 6
Charlton Athletic 2.5
Sheffield Wednesday 2
Arsenal 0

December 3, 2016December 12, 2016

Season 4 Game 22 (22-23 Nov)

THE ‘Hey Emma, Don’t Sleepwalk with Bangerz’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of the female half of our SE London flock, Emma Cole was ‘21’, Oscar Pistorius (30), and Miley Cyrus (24).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
No. Just ‘no’.

The Dread Hand of Barney
Was at the Age Concern Bridge club, this being a Wednesday and that. Our friend got quite irate at its bridge partner for failing to follow through on a Trump and accidentally sent them to the second circle of Hades. This turned out to be something of an unexpected boon, as they lived nearby in Rotherham, so saved £1 in bus fare. The hand presciently sent the bad vibes towards Sam Jones at Gateshead, Josh Morris at Scunthorpe and Alex Kiwomya at Crewe Alexandra, which only the latter could defy.

Make Ya Ma Proud
A local entrant gets the rosette. Ex-Blade prospect Jacob Mellis returned to Brammall Lane as a Bury player. Chelsea found £1.2m down Abramovich’s sofa to whisk Mellis away from S2. Alas, the ball-winning midfielder was subsequently sacked on the spot for letting off a smoke grenade in the training ground dressing rooms and has since enjoyed an inexorable slide down the leagues. Mellis was first in the showers for a straight red on 43 minutes that was less of a tackle, more a ju-jitsu leg sweep.

Known To The Authorities
None that I could discern, this being just League 1 and 2 and National League teams playing y’see.

Unpleasant Local Derby
Either Millwall v AFC Wimbledon or Braintree Town v Bromley would fit the bill here.

Born In Burberry
I would think Brennan Dickinson of Colchester is a excellent fit here. Safe, innit? [Mind you, he is known as Ben, according to Wikipedia]

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Chester v Southport at 2-0 on 26 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Howard – called Cheltenham Town v Colchester United at 0-2 on 67 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris – called York City v Lincoln City called at 0-2 on 30 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

An Evening With Paul Robinson
Just the one 0-0 draw midweek, the previously mentioned Millwall v AFC Wimbledon. However, this was quite a good game despite the lack of goals, with 12 shots on target. Irony over ironies, Millwall’s veteran full-back Paul Robinson had the best opportunity to break the tie.

Miscellany

Erstwhile Notts County boss Shaun Derry had a season ticket for Meadow Lane as a kid, but was fired after a rumble with the boardroom last year. He wasn’t jobless for too long though, becoming Cambridge United’s manager a few months later. It’s now three wins from three games over Notts County for the Abbey Stadium outfit since Derry took over, describing the recent 1-0 success over the Midland Magpies as ‘A very satisfying performance’ makes for a solid It Don’t Mean Nuthin’

The Results

A clean sheet, would you believe!

David Ball (Fleetwood Town) x2
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)

Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)

Anthony Jeffrey (Boreham Wood on loan from Concord Rangers)

Elliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Joel Coustrain (Raith Rovers)
Steve Davies (Rochdale) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A LOW-SCORING DRAW FROM THE TOP TWO IN THE HEAD IN HANDS LEAGUE!

December 3, 2016December 12, 2016

Season 4 Game 21 (18-21 Nov)

THE ‘Math with Girls Aloud, Nothing Else Matters’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of our very own Mathew Morrison (age withheld), Kimberley “…who?” Walsh (34) and Metallica’s Kirk Hammett (54).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney: ‘Steven Davies – right on cue for Rochdale’
Chris: ‘Scoring goals for Stenhousemuir is right up Roy’s Ally’ {Alistair ‘Ally’ Roy}
Howard: ‘Albion’s Andy Ryan makes it Bravo Two-Zero (on the score actually being 2-0)

The Dread Hand of Barney
Was out shopping in Waitrose (It’s the only place they sell Military Pickle and Camp Coffee these days) and bumped into its fellow denizen of the dark side, Cthulhu. They had a nice chat and passed the time on, oblivious to the fact their trolleys were blocking the aisle until Cthulhu had to say ta-ta, due to Doctors being on in half an hour. Clearly time caught up with the Hand too, as both Padraig Amond of Hartlepool United and Doncaster Rovers’ John Marquis both defied the magick, leaving Arbroath’s Martin Scott as the sole non-scorer.

Don’t Call Me Shirley
Best available was Nottingham Forest’s Britt Assombalonga, who scored twice in Saturday’s late game in the Championship.

Day Trip To Brighton
Nothing doing here, perhaps they were doing some early Christmas shopping for a nice new set of curtains and a better stereotype.

Tony Craig’s Oyster Card
Not the easiest of categories but we’ve got a winner this week in the shape of Boreham Wood’s midfielder Kenny Davis, late of Braintree Town and Grays Athletic, who keeps it local (like Thomson’s).

Local Boy Makes Good
We had quite a few goalscorers who fitted the bill, but we’ll go with Woking’s Fabio Saraiva with an honourable mention to Arbroath’s Omar Kader.

Where’s Russell Martin?
The actual result was 3-2 but when the Carlisle United v Exeter City match is settled with a 93rd minute home goal, the Grecians fanbase will surely wonder aloud if the epic round trip (12hrs 40 mins approx) is worth it.

Stealth Gub
Barney – called Derby County v Rotherham United at 2-0 on 21 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard – called AFC Wimbledon v Bury at 3-0 on 30 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Chris – called Sheffield United v Shrewsbury Town at 2-0 on 26 min {wishful thinking?} – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Alloa Athletic’s player-boss Jim Goodwin led by example at the weekend, notching up the revered own goal/red card double whammy.

Southampton 0-0 Liverpool and two shots on target in 90 mins. That’s why the Premiership is the best league in the world, say all those apart from the 31,848 attendees and those foolish viewers who fund Murdoch’s totalitarian regime .

You’d have thought the FA Cup would be sweet relief to Bury after their plummet down the league table. Bury were second in September, before captain and centre back Nathan Cameron’s season-ending injury. Twelve win-less games later, and facing AFC Wimbledon mid-week, they’re gubbed 5-0 and boss David Flitcroft became an ex-boss. There was a chance for quick revenge as they faced the Dons on Saturday amid calls to ‘win this for the former gaffer’. Final score? AFC Wimbledon 5 Bury 1. Oops.

This week’s sponsors are the Aspect Group, who back Concord Rangers of the National League South. The company specialise in asbestos removal (where it’s actually removed to no-one knows, Stoke-on-Trent, maybe) just don’t ask why so many fans in the away end start coughing 60 minutes into a game, must be all that sea air coming in from Canvey Island

The Results

Chris Maguire (Oxford United)
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)

Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest) x2
Chris Whelpdale (AFC Wimbledon)
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United) x2
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

Darren Bent (Derby County)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Michael Smith (Portsmouth)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers)

Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Gillingham on loan from Queen’s Park Rangers)

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)
Steve Davies (Rochdale) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR – IF SURPRISING – WIN FOR BARNEY!