THE ‘Alice plays tricks on Matilda’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of The Fifth Element’s Milla Jovovich (41), Dynamo (34) and Roald Dahl’s favourite illustrator Quentin Blake (84).
THE CATEGORIES
Zinger
Barney: ‘Dundee have ‘Bitton’ off more than they can chew against Celtic’ {Nir Bitton}
Chris: ‘It’s a Red Cardy for Jamie Vardy’ (Mr Smith insists this is recorded as his effort, though three other unspecified efforts were rejected by
Howard: ‘{Luke} Wilkinson puts Barnet to the sword’
The Dread Hand of Barney
Got into something of a mix-up at the Christmas fete. The being had misplaced its reading glasses and saw Santa Claus as ‘Satan’s Claws’ making them a natural for this role. All ended happily though, with £118.27 being raised for worthy causes and a few junior souls harvested for the other side. The hand failed to prevent Bjorn Johnsen of Heart of Midlothian making it five in five games, but did throw the psychic handbrake on Eastleigh’s Mikael Mandron and Bolton Wanderers’ Zach Clough.
Don’t Call Me Shirley
No outright winner here. Possibly Newport County’s Joss Labadie or Nicky Cadden of Livingston.
…And Stay Out!
That would be Mr Labadie again. Quite the traveller – West Bromwich Albion, Tranmere Rovers, Notts County, Torquay United, Dagenham & Redbridge and now Newport County.
Known To The Authorities
Nile Ranger scored for Southend United. At this point, Barney put his pen down, rather like a Second throwing in the towel…
Unpleasant Local Derby
Rather too close to home. Owls v Rotherham United. At least they can travel in style on those flash(i.e. overpriced) new X1 Steel Line buses, named after that industry that we once had in South Yorkshire (ask yer grandad about ‘Steel’).
Stealth Gub
Barney – called Dagenham & Redbridge v Solihull Moors at 0-3 on 14 min – Finished: 4-4 – FAILED!
Howard – called Middlesborough v Swansea City at 3-0 on 55 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Burton Albion v Newcastle United, called at 0-1 on 10 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Miscellany
A future Burberry was spotted in the shape of Dagenham & Redbridge youngster Tyrique Hyde scoring his first senior goal, but our attention was largely taken with an impressive Make Ya Ma Proud by Rotherham United’s Richard Wood, who single-handedly pushed the bus parked in front of the Millers goal by seceding a 93rd minute penalty, collecting a red card and seeing said penalty converted by the Owls – his first team – for a 1-0 loss.
We’ll head over Offa’s Dyke (if Offa doesn’t mind) and into Rodney Parade for this week’s sponsor, which will bring a nostalgic tear to the eye of some of you out there called Chris. That’s because Newport County are sponsored by none other than Mr Tom Peanut Crunch, who sponsored The Owls during yon glory years when they won “nowt” [that’s “nothing”, Southern folk!] at Wembley.
Here’s some blurb from Mr Tom Sales Director Richard Williams:
“We want to commit to the club for a long time, we want to be here supporting County for as long as we can.
The first season for us as sponsors has been very successful and we want to continue to be associated with the club.
We are a local business and we’re proud to see our logo on the front of the shirts, to see people walking around the city with Mr Tom on their shirts brings a smile to your face.”
[Followed by the phrase ‘I didn’t realise The Owls had an orange strip back in the mid 90s’. Maybe.]
Finally Bryan Prunty scored. This rendered all of the previous section irrelevant. All hail the Prunty.
The Results
Chris Maguire (Oxford United) x2
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Isaiah Osbourne (Walsall)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Nile Ranger (Southend United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Danny Rose (Tottenham Hotspur)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Jeff Hughes (Tranmere Rovers on loan from Cambridge United)
Shaun Brisley (Carlisle United)
Souleymane Coulibaly (Kilmarnock)
Tyrone Barnett (AFC Wimbledon)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers) x2
Simon Makienok (Preston North End on loan from Palermo)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Chris Robertson (AFC Wimbledon)
Dominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Jordan Chapell (Chester)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)