Season 4 Game 38 (14-15 Feb)

THE ‘Scotty and Dot’s Alcoholocaust’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Simon “NOT Scotty” Pegg (47), June Brown (90) and the “very funny” [NOTE: that translates as “unpleasant”] Jim Jeffries (40).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Kodjia, there and everywhere for Villa’
Chris: [quaffing champers on the Network Rail budget…?]
Howard: ‘Shepherd Murombedzi scores for Solihull Moors, making Woking feel crook’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Last seen looking for Cerberus, who slipped its leash around the fifth circle of Hell, according to local resident Jimmy Saville (and who *wouldn’t* trust him eh?). It did leave a note delivering bad vibes towards Callum Robinson at Preston North End, Jason Kennedy at Carlisle United, and Izzy Brown at Huddersfield Town, which only the Preston striker saw off.

Pagga!Pagga!
Regrettably no, though the Sheffield Wednesday v Blackburn Rovers game had a couple of ‘confrontations’…

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Mr Wenger’s halftime chat which saw Arsenal’s wholly respectable 1-1 first half transcend to… [Censored!] er… so we’ll go with Steve McClaren’s words of wisdom turning a 2-1 lead into a 3-4 home defeat against Cardiff City. Bluebirds boss Neil Warnock will have been gutted, obviously.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
All scorers appear to have kept their noses clean. Curses.Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
A few solid contenders for the rosette, but Mansfield Town’s Yoann Arquin takes the prize, on account of having 12 clubs on his CV at 28, four years younger than Southend’s Marc-Antoine Fortune. Arquin’s ports of call include such highlights as Quimper, Syrianska and Hereford.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney said none were called!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Ollie Palmer at Luton Town is 25 years old and Oliver’s a perfectly good name. He’s also 6ft 5ins and no beanpole, so I’ll tell him you, the reader said that…

Miscellany

Very little to report as this was a slightly truncated midweek schedule, though we were impressed with Hope Akpan’s yellow card for dissent, followed by red for getting physical with the ref, in the space of around 60 seconds.

Shrewsbury Town’s Steven Humphrys celebrated his debut by scoring against Peterborough United (who doesn’t?), following this up with a red card for buzzsawing, appropriately enough, Chris Forrester.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveBarry Corr (Cambridge United)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town) x3
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)


OneTommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
TwoDarren Bent (Derby County) x2

Arsenal
OneSemi Ajayi (Rotherham United on loan from Cardiff City)


TwoChe Adams (Birmingham City)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)

OVERALL RESULT: AN UNDISPUTABLE WIN FOR THE OWLS!

Season 4 Game 37 (10-13 Feb)

THE ‘The Bandit’s Horrible Boss has No Regrets’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Burt Reynolds (81), Jennifer Aniston (48) and Robbie Williams (43)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
This segment had the best outcome possible in that no zingers were noted. Result!
Chris: [No comment]
Howard: The above comment is probably lies.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Noted the fourth anniversary of Pope Benedict’s resignation with a heavy sigh as the Dark Side had a great deal of hope for him. It did, however, put aside its malaise to inflict one of its own on Bristol Rovers’ Ellis Harrison, Luton Town’s Isaac Vassell and Annan Athletic’s Peter Weatherson, which only the latter could defeat. But then again this is Annan and they’re made from gir-durrs, and have almost developed an immunity.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Delighted to report a winner in the visage of Southport’s Jamie Allen (note: is “Not A Kid Anymore”). Fleetwood Town-Barrow-Fylde-Southport. [EDIT: Not sure if this qualifies with Fleetwood and Barrow being on opposite coasts…]

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Clyde’s David Gormley took the gold here, having being released at the end of last season by Ayr United. Dropping down a division into the land of part-time football and ‘A Trialist’ territory, Gormley will have enjoyed scoring the very late equaliser against The Honest Men. And he did it again in the midweek replay to boot.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
It’s a new entrant to the category as my forensic (emphasis on ‘sick’) investigation reveals Oldham Athletic’s veteran centre-back Peter Clarke is the namesake of Siouxsie and the Banshees/Creatures drummer Budgie. [EDIT: Nothing to do with Adam Faith…]

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Fairly confident about Aberdeen’s Shaleum Logan qualification here, and shortening his name to Shay as Sky sports did on Saturday doesn’t really rescue the midfielder from the world of T.O.W.I.E., tattoos, (Staffordshire Bull) Terriers and Tulisa. Portsmouth’s Kai Naismith makes for a solid backup just in case it gets ‘tricky, bruv’.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Southport v Dagenham & Redbridge at 1-3 on 68 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Mansfield Town v Hartlepool United at 2-0 at 68 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– had somewhere else to be – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Nearly had to go with a technicality[EDIT: or “long shot”], as Neeskens Kabano, clearly named after Johan Cruyff’s midfield bodyguard in Rinus Michels’ magnificent ‘Total Football’TM Dutch team on the 70s. However, his Cottagers compadre Denis Odoi scored his first for Fulham later in the game against Wigan Athletic, a nifty bit of footwork leaving Doug Coutts stranded as he finished past the helpless Johnny Brown for the winner against the Springfield Park outfit.

Miscellany

Another ‘Unpleasant Local Derby/Paul Robinson!!!!’ combination was noted with Fleetwood Town 0-0 Rochdale, and one shot on target each.

Walsall’s veteran fullback James O’Connor own goal on Saturday was a leveller in more than one way in that he has achieved parity in own goals scored and goals scored with 8 each in 388 league games.

And we tip our hats to Robbie Cundy’s own goal/red card combination for Southport.

Jobsite are this week’s sponsor, as they’ve put up the necessary ackers to have their name on the front of Portsmouth’s shirts for the next two years. It’s helpful to know that if you need a zero-hour job, the place to look is emblazoned on a shirt worn by someone on four figures a week. [EDIT: over £1000 per week…… these days…? at Portsmouth.,,,? …are you sure??]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton) x2
Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)


FourAlex Pritchard (Norwich City) x2
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)

charlton02
FiveDarren Bent (Derby County) x2
Kevin Foley (Coventry City) o.g.
Marcus Tudgay (Coventry City)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)

Arsenal
OneLuke Freeman (Queen’s Park Rangers)


SixJohn-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town) x2
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Macclesfield Town)
Nicky Law (Bradford City)
Sean McGinty (Torquay United)

OVERALL RESULT: IN A COMPETETIVE WEEK, ITS A WIN FOR OUR CURRENT LEADER, LUFFY. SORRY STEVE!

Season 4 Game 36 (3-6 Feb)

THE ‘Millionaires Diving off White Lilies Island‘ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of James’ Tim Booth (57), Cristiano Ronaldo (32) and Natalie Imbruglia (42!).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Bolton’s {Jay}Spearing skewers the Dons’
Chris: ‘Stenhousemuir’s{David} Marsh not mellow after his red card’ winner
Howard: ‘It’s Winner Takes All as {David}Wheeler scores for Exeter’ {Ask yer Grandad}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was saddened to hear of Sir John Hurt’s recent passing as our malevolent friend always gets the munchies when viewing the monster exploding out of chest scene in Alien. Perhaps because of this, the players chosen to receive its blight were almost entirely ‘M&Ms’ Louis Moult at Motherwell (Blanked) Steve Morison at Millwall (Scored) and RickyMiller at Dover Athletic (Blanked).

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Chris shook his head at this suggestion from young Barney, and I uphold the objection. Therefore I must direct the court to ignore Jamie Proctor at Carlisle, who would at least make the ‘Not A Kid Anymore’ category.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Burnley spent £10.5m on Jeff Hendrick to replace Joey Barton in central midfield, with Clarets boss/Gatekeeper to Hades Sean Dyche stating ‘He’s an entirely different character to Joey Barton’. Barton is back at Burnley and is clearly having a veteran’s influence on Hendrick, with the Irish international collecting his first professional red card on 6 minutes for a shin-high dropkick. Now who had a bet on the first red card of the game…?

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Had to dig deeper than usual for a match here but Airdrieonians (2nd) 4-1 Peterhead (8th) from the 10 team Scottish Division 1 would suffice, but thinking about it Leicester 0-3 Man Yoo also qualifies [NOTE: only in Barney’s definition!]Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Exeter City 4-0 Crewe Alexandra. 427 miles and 7hrs 26 mins round trip for the Alex diehards. Enjoy!

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Nearly ran the boards with all the categories, but John-Joe O’Toole’s first in 9 for Northampton Town doesn’t quite make the grade. Rather like Bendtner (etc)

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Gateshead v Southport at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Everton v Bournemouth at 3-0 on 29 min – Finished: 6-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Sheffield United v AFC Wimbledon at 2-0 on 40 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

After quite a few false alarms, we are delighted to report the news that Rotherham United Football Club are the first outfit to make The Travel Pages, being 15 points away from safety, having picked up 16 points from 30 games. Hearty congratulations to The Millers on this achievement.

PAGGAs! Have been a disappointingly rare event this season, so the sight of Huddersfield Town’s manager David Wagner and Leeds United’ Garry Monk ‘taking it to the cobbles’ (or in this case, sidelines) after the Terriers late winner in the Unpleasant Local Derby was a heartening sight indeed.

We’re off to Scotland for this week’s sponsors, who are definitely the longest serving backers of their team because they’ve been the only shirt sponsor Stranraer has ever had in StenaLine, who run a regular ferry service from the South-Western Scottish port to Belfast. The remoteness of Stranraer to any Scottish club can be garnered by the fact that the four nearest teams to the Stair park squad are all in Northern Ireland, with Ayr being the closest Scottish team 42 miles away. Cue future ‘Where’s Russell?’ .

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourCaolan Lavery (Sheffield United)
Deji Oshilaja (Gillingham on loan from Cardiff City)
Ross Barkley (Everton)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)


FourBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Jaanai Gordon (Newport County on loan from West Ham United)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02
ThreeHarry Arter (Bournemouth)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
TwoCesc Fabregas (Chelsea) – counting double. But then he’s used to counting. Pieces of silver, mainly…


ThreeChristian Nade (Dumbarton)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: A JOINT TIE, BUT NOT THE ONE EXPECTED – HALF EACH FOR BARNEY AND CHRIS!

Season 4 Game 35 (31 Jan-1 Feb)

THE ‘POLLY, NEVER MIND THE COMMOTIONS’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the midweek birthdays of Connie Booth (73), John Lydon aka “Johnny Rotten” [everyone knows that don’t they?] (61) and Lloyd Cole, now without the Commotions (56).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
None listed from any of us but…oh, I don’t know….how about ‘Kortney’s goal {for Wolverhampton Wanderers] is on the Hause’. No?

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
It wasn’t clear from the notes I received, but appears to have been David Ball (Fleetwood Town), John Marquis (Doncaster Rovers), and Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur). The Unholy Spirit stopped the first two players from playing and ensured that Harry Kane was (for once) as useless for Spurs as he was for England in Euro ’16, so I would count that a success.Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Aston Villa’s Chinese moneybags paid ¥103,389,464 Pretend Pounds…er..I mean Renminbi (£12m) for the services of Brentford’s star striker Scott Hogan during the January transfer window.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
The Southern Rail strike is probably still in force. Or it’s the wrong sorts of leaves that are blocking the lines… or Shergar is blocking the track at Hassocks…or something else from the Random Excuse Generator App.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Jay McEverley – Swindon Town > Sheffield United > Ross County. Clearly doesn’t want to stay in the local area. Or maybe like The Littlest Hobo, it’s a case of “can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again”

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Courtney Meppen-Walter (Stockport County) is… “obviously” [?] wondering why he is at Stockport – wherever that is – when he seemed destined to be a minor member of the Civil Service. And just to make the nightmare worse, he’s making a living from playing football – not ‘rugger’.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Barney has Nottingham Forest v Rotherham United. Whilst they might very well qualify as being unpleasant, I’d say NOOOOOOO to it being a derby. Is there a local rivalry between the two? despite the alleged “40 driving miles” between the two…? I would say not.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Technical difficulties with the sound mean no commentating from Tony and no guesses about which team will get ‘gubbed’…

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Tottenham Hotspur’s game at Sunderland had a total of 17 shots (14 from Spurs)….er…but only 4 worried the goalkeepers. That was well worth the trip up north, eh?

Miscellany

Nothing here. It was quiet midweek. It’s always quiet midweek.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
TwoChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FiveBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest) x2
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Lee Tomlin (Bristol City)
Liam Davis (Cheltenham Town) o.g.

charlton02
ThreeDarren Bent (Derby County)
Jay McEveley (Ross County)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)

Arsenal
OneNico Yennaris (Brentford)


TwoJay McEveley (Ross County)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: BARNEY’S MAKING A STEALTH RAID ON THE TITLE HERE, WITH ANOTHER WIN!

Season 4 Game 34 (27-30 Jan)

THE ‘Sophie Chapman saves Benidorm’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Peep Show’s Olivia Colman (42), Gianluigi Buffon (39) and Tim Healy (65).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Not one to, due to our high-falutin’ travel schedules.”
Howard: “This is lies”
Chris: *pass*

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Again absent. Possibly this is week two of it’s two week coach trip round the Upper Circle of Hell. I can’t wait to see the snaps…
[EDIT: A search of my phone reveals the actual, less interesting answer to be “Padraig Amond at Hartlepool United, Rory McAllister at Peterhead and Anthony Knockaert at Brighton & Hove Albion. And, in order SCORED, SCORED TWICE and DIDN’T PLAY”]

Pagga!Pagga!
None to report. Again. Cue mass fighting on pitch next week.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
It grieves me to report the standout performer can only be Peterborough United’s Grant McCann, whose words of wisdom after a goal-less first half saw The Posh plummet to a 0-4 home reverse in what passes as a local derby (probably an unpleasant one) against Milton Keynes Dons.

{I’m sorry reader(s) but this means Barney will explode into, well, see for yourself….}

“(Deep Breath BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN YOU LINE UP WITH FORRESTER, MADDISON, SAMUELSEN AND LOPES IN MIDFIELD, GOOD GRIEF, THOSE FOUR COULDN’T TACKLE TAPIOCA FOR CHRISSAKES. DARREN &^%£*@ POTTER RAN THE MIDFIELD, DARREN POTTER! And relax…or maybe not… AND MICHAEL SMITH COULDN’T FIND THE PLAYER HE’S MEANT TO MARK IF YOU GAVE HIM TOMTOM…WHAT A SHOWER ON DEAR OLD CHRIS TURNER DAY…)”

{Aaaaand relax.}

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Carlos Mazana-Martinez of Stenhousemuir {Spain} and Annan Athletic’s Smart Osadolor {Nigeria} have appeared in this category previous but I don’t believe Forest Green Rovers’ former Cameroonian youth international Emmanuel Monthe has had this honour. I’ll wager he’s thrilled.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Messrs Hughton and Monk offered verbal shrugs of shoulders after their FA Cup exits to National League opposition, but Jurgen Klopp was rather more forthcoming after Liverpool 1-2 Wolves:

‘I could look for excuses but I don’t want to. Maybe we should use this time to be frustrated and angry at ourselves’

Stealth GubStealth Gub
None called (or so El Barno said). However, a search of my phone and Facebook messenger reveals:
Barney
called Livingston v Brechin City at 2-0 on 41min. Finished 3-0. Result: FAILED
Howard
called Southampton v Arsenal at 3-0 on 52min. Finished 5-0. Result: SUCCESS [if only this had happened against Watford and Chelsea. Sigh…]
Chris –
did not offer a Stealth Gub this time round

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Unusually sparse fare here, with only Bristol Rovers’ Billy Bodin making the grade.

Miscellany

A couple of sterling Make Ya Ma Prouds. Charlton Athletic’s Lewis Page joined on loan from West Ham United and got injured on his debut, his return after signing on a permanent basis lasted 12 minutes as he got a straight red for a last man foul.
Brighton & Hove Albion signed Chelsea left-back Fiyako Tomori on loan and he celebrated by scoring an own goal in their laughing squad’s defeat to Lincoln City.

It probably didn’t escape our Carry On fan’s notice that Dicker and Longstaff scored in a come from behind (steady now) win for Kilmarnock over Ross County…[EDIT: It did, sadly! But I need to point out that Carry On humour is not just a collection of rude names. But that’s for another forum and not here…]

Our sponsor this week is Bangor City’s new backers, VSP who organise boxing and martial arts competitions throughout the north of England and Wales. The V in VSP is Stephen Vaughan, who…well, click HERE and HERE and ruminate…

So we shall move swiftly on to…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeDeji Oshilaja (Gillingham on loan from Cardiff City)
Rory McArdle (Bradford City)
Tom Soares (Bury)


SixAaron Williams (Newport County)
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons) *counts double as against old club*

charlton02
NineDarren Bent (Derby County) x2 (1 o.g.)
Jordan Cook (Luton Town)
Paul Hayes (Wycombe Wanderers) x2
Scott Sinclair (Celtic) x2
Tom Soares (Bury)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
TwoChuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons) x2


FiveChristian Nade (Dumbarton)
Craig Beattie (Edinburgh City)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Reece Brown (Bury)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WIN FOR CHARLTON!

Season 4 Game 33 (20-23 Jan)

THE When the going gets tough, Kojak and Ernie get going HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthday of Billy Ocean (67) and it *would* have been the birthdays of Telly Savalas (born 1922) and Benny Hill (born in 1924). Interesting to note that it was also the birthday of one Jonathan Quick. No relation – some sort of hockey player or something…

THE CATEGORIES

Due to one thing and another, the whole of this week’s entry seems to have been lost. I suggested that Barney look down the side of the sofa, but that search only turned up the handcuffs he reserves for Michelle Owen.

ZingerZinger
Barney:
None (see hopeless explanation above)
Chris: Ditto
Howard: I think I remember mine – “McCluskey scores – it’s a goal from the Head” {Grange Hill / 70s and 80s TV fans may recognise that reference, but it was actually Stefan McCluskey of Alloa Athletic}x

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
The victims escape supernatural retribution this week – names were chosen, but they have been lost somewhere in the depths of El Rancho Barnero…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
I saw Watford’s Troy Deeney and stopped. Rather like the Police did…



Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
I think this was one of the categories, as Paul Quinn scored for Ross County. This gave us our obligatory SAXON reference…

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Port Vale v Bury – the first game I noticed. That’s it, I thought, look no further!

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Best I can find is Hartlepool United 2-0 Stevenage. 446-mile round trip. PLUS you had to visit Hartlepool…

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Krystian Pearce and Shaquille ‘Shaq’ Coulthirst were contenders, but Brentford defender Harlee Dean wins hands down.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Stealthily avoided being recorded for posterity.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Appropriately enough, Boreham Wood’s nil-nil draw with Solihull Moors had only seven chances noted by the sports correspondent of the Solihull Observer. The BBC described it as “a dull goalless draw in the National League. The first half was particularly drab.”

Miscellany

I’ve had to recreate this whole damn thing from scratch – do you really think there was time for additonal bits of hilarity?

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveBenik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Chris Brunt (West Bromwich Albion)
Darren Potter (Milton Keynes Dons)
Daryl Murphy (Newcastle United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


FiveKieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
FiveDarren Bent (Derby County)
Darren Ward (Yeovil Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham) x2
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
ThreeBenik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons) x2


TwoChristian Nade (Dumbarton)
Gary Cahill (Chelsea)

OVERALL RESULT: IN THE ABSENCE OF A SECONDARY CHECK, I DECLARE A THREE-WAY TIE!