Season 4 Game 43 (10-13 Mar)

THE ‘Kryten’s In For The Kill, Like A Mad Man’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Red Dwarf’s Robert Llewellyn (60), La Roux (29), and Jon Hamm (46)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Hull City’s target man kicks Swansea in the {Oumar} Niasse’
Chris: *PASS!*
Howard: ‘Yeovil Town’s {Bevis} Mugabi is dictating the game’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was said to be ‘unimpressed’ after finally catching a glimpse of The Walking Dead, stating the zombies ‘look nothing like real zombies, but this could be solved with a few shiny pennies in my pocket and a call to the fella below’. Its mood was improved by blanking Burnley’s Andre Gray, Bury’s James Vaughan and Blackpool’s Brad Potts.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Alex Jones at Bradford City [shouldn’t she/he be doing The One Show??] or Dagenham & Redbridge’s Jordan Maguire-Drew  amply qualify here.

Pagga!Pagga!
A few flashpoints Jason, but no mutual reds I fear.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Edinburgh City’s Derek Riordan. There’s been a few, your honour. Largely involving the words ‘bar’ ‘nightclub’ and ‘assault’. Clearly why he’s down at lowly Edinburgh and not Rangers or Celtic.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Scunthorpe United’s Graham Alexander saw his charges lose 3-2 to Gillingham via 3 penalties awarded to the home team. Correctness of choice for category confirmed with subsequent charge of Foul and Abusive language toward Officials. Accepted.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Solihull Moors v Braintree Town at 0-3 on 26 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Dumbarton v Raith Rovers at 3-0 on 47 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Stevenage v Bolton Wanderers at 1-2 on 45 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Matty Pearson at Accrington Stanley is 26 and far too old for all that childish naming nonsense.

Miscellany

Sadly this is as blank as the average Big Brother contestant…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourChris Eagles (Port Vale)
Daryl Murphy (Newcastle United)
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)


FourHarry Toffolo (Scunthorpe United on loan from Norwich City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town on loan from Charlton Athletic)

charlton02
EightBradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Chris Eagles (Port Vale)
Conor McAleny (Oxford United on loan from Everton)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Josh Wright (Gillingham) x3
Nicky Bailey (Sutton United)

Arsenal
TwoJordan Wynter (Bromley)
Rhys Murphy (Crawley Town on loan from Forest Green Rovers)


SixAndy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
Conor Sammon (Kilmarnock on loan from Heart of Midlothian)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Michael Doyle (Portsmouth)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: NEVER IN DOUBT – ANOTHER WIN FOR CHARLTON KEEPS THE TITLE RACE OPEN (ISH)!

Season 4 Game 42 (3-6 Mar)

THE ‘Jonathan Creek’s Embarassing Ting Ting’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Alan Davies (52), Embarassing Bodies’ Dr Christian Jessen (40) and Katie White (34).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
[a bumper edition to make up for the previous blanks…]
Barney:
‘{Stuart} Sinclair makes it 2-0, can Bristol Rovers fans C5 on the horizon’
Chris: ‘Killie Fans “Boyd” by Kris’ [and] ‘Jazz {Richards} hands victory to QPR with that own goal’
Howard: ‘Nicky Clark cuts in to score’ [and] ‘Sutton United’s [Roarie] Deacon makes cardinal error for red card’
[How did these not get lost ?]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Is still feeling quite energetic despite the lengthening days and has thrown itself into a fundraising initiative regarding the local place of worship. It remains to be seen if ‘Visceral Enemies of St Vincent’s Church’ will be a successful endeavour but you can’t fault the effort. Perhaps distracted by the above duties, the being allowed Rangers’ Martyn Waghorn to score but ensured a barren day for Brighton & Hove Albion’s Sam Baldock and Wycombe Wanderers’ Adebayo Akinfenwa.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Newport County’s Graham Westley enjoyed his 49th birthday on Saturday by watching his Ironsides outfit given an 0-4 ‘good seeing to’ at home by fellow basement dwellers Leyton Orient. A belated birthday present was proffered by the board, who sacked him on the 8th March with local journalists stating he’d lost the dressing room after blaming the players and board for bad results. Like he did at Preston. And Peterborough [EDIT: so you can see the reason for Barney’s bitterness]. Westley’s column for the Football League Paper stated how relieved he was to be out of a job. Excellently, the board let it be known they shared these sentiments.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Nothing to repot here, which would please Mike “Fifty” Pence, though you could argue the above Reverse Churchill indicated Brighton had shafted themselves…

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Not much has gone wrong for Chris Hughton at Brighton & Hove Albion, and the ex-Spurs man (boooo) has won many plaudits for his management abilities in keeping the Seagulls in the top two on a budget which is dwarfed by rivals Newcastle United. Nevertheless, that half-time team talk at 0-0 against an underperforming Nottingham Forest, which resulted in a 3-0 reverse, was not one he’d care to remember in a hurry.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
It can only be Plymouth Argyle’s Jake Jervis, with 12 clubs at the grand old age of 27.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Sammie Szmodics at Colchester United, Paris Cowan-Hall at Wycombe Wanderers, Jazz Richards at Fulham. Not only did these players score at the weekend, they could also be supporting Fazer on tour.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Stenhousemuir v Peterhead at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Newport 0-4 Leyton Orient at 0-3 on 45 min – Finished – FAILED!
Chris
– called a Tactical Gub – Rochdale v Sheffield United at 0-2 on 12 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED! (…OR DID IT?)

Miscellany

Maybe reeling from the unexpectedly high quality of the above Zingers, your scribe merely noted a couple of ‘Local Boy Makes Good’ types in Annan’s Rabin Omar and Queen’s Park’s Dario Zanetti.

We’ll be winding down the odd sponsors category very soon due to (a) running out of said odd sponsors and (b) a good proportion of the teams I haven’t mentioned are sponsored by bookies/gambling conglomerates who back multiple teams. But it would be remiss not to mention Peterborough United’s backers who are ‘The name for aggregates and waste management throughout East Anglia’ The Mick George Group, whose commitment to the Posh is so unshakeable they also sponsor Cambridge United.

How there’s any synergy between a football club and a concrete supplier/specialist truck hire company has baffled me [EDIT: Do the defenders move like they are running through concrete??], but the solution arrived when reading the corporate website, which reveals they also operate a ‘MuckAway’ service, which covers up to the East Midlands. The [EDIT: LOAN!] transfers of Shaquille Coulthirst and Hayden White to Mansfield Town now make a whole lot more sense, one wonders if Michael Smith can MuckAway to Notts County?

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveBen Marshall (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Chris Eagles (Port Vale)
Daryl Murphy (Newcastle United)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)


ThreeDwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)

charlton02
EightChris Eagles (Port Vale)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Michael Smith (Northampton Town on loan from Portsmouth)- counting double against his old club
Morgan Fox (Sheffield Wednesday)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
OneNico Yennaris (Brentford)


FiveJohn-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale) – counting double against his old club
Steve Davies (Rochdale) – counting double against his old club

OVERALL RESULT: CLEAR WIN FOR THE ADDICKS!

Season 4 Game 41 (28 Feb – 1 Mar)

THE ‘Tell Me, Anton Chigurh, To Love Yourself’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of (Avert your eyes Chris) Train’s Pat Monahan (47), Javier Bardem (48) and Justin Bieber (25)

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Hurst scores for Guiseley, do they think it’s all over?’
Chris: <keeping the trains safe midweek>
Howard:  ‘Parrett scores for Wimbledon, Parrett scores for Wimbledon’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Had its theoretical nose put out of joint the other day after it failed to gain a place on the local WI board. Because of this, our associate is turning its hand (ha!) towards aiding an alternative Women’s Institute, the maximum security prison up the road.
Such activity is clearly good for the spirits as Darren Bent at Derby County, Alex Jones at Bradford City, and Chris Porter at Colchester United all blanked.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Aston Villa have been chucking money around like a bored Barney on tilt at the bandits [EDIT: anyone understand that??]. One of these signings was Johnathan Kodjia from Bristol City for £12m, who scored against his erstwhile paymasters midweek. Bristol City don’t miss him at all. Oh no, not at all.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Sean Dickson, late of The Soup Dragons and The Hi-Fidelity, has been pretty quiet recently, turns out he’s a midfielder at Stirling and he scored the winner against Elgin on Tuesday.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Stevenage are on a fine run of form which has seen them rise to 7th in Division Two. Leyton Orient aren’t and are 23rd. Law of Natural Selection further underlined by subsequent 4-1 home success at Broadhall Way.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Bromley v Braintree Town at 0-2 on 33 min – Finished: 0-5 – GUB!
Howard
– called Clyde v Montrose called at 0-2 on 45 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cambridge United v Doncaster Rovers at 0-2 on 43 min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
George Williams at MK Dons netted against Bradford at not called Valley Parade. Doubtless Williams and his colleagues will be steeling themselves for their next game at Millwall, led by the fearsome Terry Hurlock and long-serving defender Keith ‘Rhino’ Stevens.

Miscellany

Not much going on here during the week…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
OneTony McMahon


ThreeJonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
FiveDean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
NilA blank, like our recent performances. Or even a blankety-blank…


FiveDominic Poleon (AFC Wimbledon)
Harry Bunn (Huddersfield Town)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Kevan Hurst (Guiseley on loan from Mansfield Town)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City)

OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN THE BLADES AND CHARLTON!

Season 4 Game 40 (24-27 Feb)

THE ‘Qualmpeddling for 127 Hours by The Sea’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bill Bailey (53) Kate ‘Bailey’ Mara (28) and Corinne Bailey Rae (38). Don’t blame me, Barney chose the title.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Newport’s Gordon has been sent off for violent conduct, does this mean GORDON’s ALIVE! And kicking’….[and then Barney goes on to say he has “lost” mine and Chris’ efforts.]
Chris: “Bidi bidi bidi!” [that’s Twiki for “Lies!”]
Howard: “Resign!”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was deeply worried by the continued absence of Cerberus, fearing the hellhound may have been accosted by Gabriel or some other resident of ‘the other side’. Matters ended happily, when a kind-hearted type, Pol Pot, phoned up to say the dog was in his garden, incinerating the grass. With all this to-ing and fro-ing, our supernatural compadre was otherwise engaged, meaning the Hand prevented only Liverpool’s Sadio Mane from scoring, with Forest Green Rovers’ Christian Doidge and Aberdeen’s Adam Rooney both netting.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Back to the old faithful in Forest Green Rovers’ Keanu Marsh-Brown. Maybe the rest of them were quaffing champers at Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s wake.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Fleetwood Town 3-0 Northampton Town. A 366 mile, 442 minute round-trip for the Cobblers fans who witnessed a ‘Cobblers’ performance too. (Boom-boom)

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Nouha Dicko’s first league goal in 16 months could be attributed to a serious knee injury which saw him miss most of 2016. However, he was also goal-less in 12 outings around the enforced absence so makes for an ideal candidate for this category.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Milton Keynes Dons v Shrewsbury Town at 2-0 on 15 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Arbroath v Cowdenbeath at 2-0 on 44 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Chesterfield v Oxford United at 0-2 on 56 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!

 

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
The DW stadium was less than half full as the luckless attendees viewed a 0-0 against Nottingham Forest where a total of 3 shots needed saving, all of which were supplied by the away team. At least the pies are said to be good.

Miscellany

You’ll be thrilled to discover there’s just a couple of missives [EDIT: Is this why it goes on for half a page??], Zak Jules is on loan at Motherwell from Reading for the season, though this may change after Saturday’s game where his excellent own goal (CLICK LINK) after 7 minutes was only the start of a performance which saw the Belshill outfit 1-5 down at half-time and manager Mark McGhee (“Don’t make me angry”) out of a job on the Monday after. A Make Ya Ma Proud? Oh yes.

As a defensive midfielder, David Davis [EDIT: the secretary of state for Brexit?] doesn’t score that many goals but he did for his new club, Birmingham City, against his old club, Wolverhampton Wanderers in the Second City Derby, which only avoided being the Unpleasant Local Derby on account of being just that in the return fixture earlier in the season. It would’ve certainly made an excellent ‘It don’t mean Nuthin’ though.

Football clubs have increasingly become aware of their perceived responsibilities off the field so it’s a delight to report that in 2014, Derby County’s commercial department thought deeply about their role in the community regarding the promotion of a healthy lifestyle and said ‘Sod that, we’ll jump into bed with Justeat.com for three years’

Let’s hope that JUSTEAT’s UK MD Graham Corfield doesn’t attempt to link football and junk food in the blurb…

This announcement is our first significant venture into sports sponsorship and signifies an exciting new partnership for the brand. We’re hugely thrilled to be sponsoring Derby County Football Club at such a promising time in the club’s history.
“There’s a real synergy between live sport and takeaway food and we think we have a lot to offer as a brand in the football world. We can’t wait for next season to kick-off and will be cheering the Rams on in the Play-Off Final.

Oh well…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Nile Ranger (Southend United)
Ryan Lowe (Bury)


10David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
James Chester (Aston Villa)
Jonathan Edwards (Accrington Stanley)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town on loan from Charlton Athletic) x2
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
EightConor McAleny (Oxford United on loan from Everton) x3
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Josh Wright (Gillingham) x2
Martyn Waghorn (Rangers)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)

Arsenal
ThreeCesc Fabregas (Chelsea)
Nico Yennaris (Brentford)
Roarie Deacon (Sutton United)


SixChris Porter (Colchester United)
Conor Sammon (Kilmarnock on loan from Heart of Midlothian)
David Cotterill (Bristol City on loan from Birmingham City)
Evan Horwood (Chester)
Jamie Murphy (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon on loan from Scunthorpe United)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WIN FOR BARNEY KEEPING THE TITLE RACE ALIVE (JUST!)

Season 4 Game 39 (17-20 Feb)

THE Dookie in the pool at the Lego House HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named in honour of Billie Joe Armstrong (45; he’s got a girl’s name), Rebecca Adlington (28; also has a girl’s name) and Ed Sheeran (26; looks like Prince Harry), who were all born on my birthday. Strange really, it’s usually Julia McKenzie, Patricia Routledge and Denise Richards that get a mention.

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney suppressed them in a manner that would make the Chinese government very proud. Or there weren’t any.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Michael Cheek (Braintree Town), Marc-Antoine Fortune (Southend United) and Jason Cummings (Hibernian) were all out to defy the Supernatural force. Only Cummings succeeded, but he will learn…

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
The best one noted by Barney was Sam Stanton of Hibernian. However, this was also marked with a question mark, and to be honest, I agree 100%. Further research notes several Jordans (Kirkpatrick of Alloa Athletic, Cook of Luton Town, Botaka of Charlton Athletic, and Preston of Guiseley) with Nicky Cadden of Livingston, to offer as alternatives.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
A blank for this rarely-fulfilled category.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Aristote “Toto” Nsiala (Shrewsbury Town) went from Accrington Stanley to Vietnam’s Dong Thap FC to Southport and more recently from Hartlepool United to Shrewsbury Town, but may be less of a winner due to extended stays in various parts of Merseyside.

Carl Tremarco’s career path, however, took him from Tranmere Rovers to Wrexham to Darlington to Macclesfield Town to Floriana (Malta) and currently, Inverness Caledonian Thistle. I hope he’s saving his air miles… Oh Air Miles, come on, you must remember them…?

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Another mention for that busy man Aristote Nsiala (DR Congo), and Cheltenham Town’s Tin Plavotic (Austria).

Fresh HellFresh Hell
“They played well, were well-organised and resolute. We were nowhere near our best, not diligent. They always believed they were going to score. Credit to them. The result is very painful, they were more physical and we didn’t produce enough quality. I feel for the fans”. One half of this rant was from the generally-calm Gianfranco Zola, and one half from Satan himself, Sean Dyche. Maybe after this the Birmingham first team will either be sleeping wi’ di fishes or roasting nicely in Hell…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
It would appear that Tony was not called upon this week. But he still remained in readiness, like a panther, a panther with a microphone…

Miscellany

A few what might have beens here, had they been chosen as categories, Firstly, Solihull Moors’ Daniel Udoh debuts on 77 mins, and is sent off on 83mins after a second yellow card. Pretty good going for 6 minutes. His mum would have been so proud…

Next, Neil Warnock saved Rotherham United from relegation to League One last year, but this year he’s at Cardiff City. Did he take it easy on his former side? Er…well, Cardiff won 5-0 so umm…no. It Did Not Mean Nuthin’.

SPOILER ALERT:
Scroll quickly past if you do not want to see who won before the end of this post!

Another to Make Ya Ma Proud (possibly) was Robert “Bob” Harris, ex of Sheffield United. It would appear that the game this week was his first of the season for Bristol Rovers. Own goal. As an ex-Blade, this goal won the Head In Hands League for Mr Luff. Good work Bob.

Finally, Wigan 0-0 Preston. 28 shots in total…but only 4 on target. That must have been worth the entry fee. Somewhere Paul Robinson is keeping his eyes open with the aid of matchsticks…

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeBarry Corr (Cambridge United)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)


SixConor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall) – counting double against old club
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

charlton02
FourAswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Jay McEveley (Ross County) o.g.
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Jordan Cook (Luton Town)

Arsenal
OneHenri Lansbury (Aston Villa) o.g.


SevenBob Harris (Bristol Rovers) o.g.
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jay McEveley (Ross County) o.g.
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County) x2
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: AS REVEALED EARLIER (OOPS!) – A WIN FOR MR. LUFF!