Season 4 Game 50 (21-24 April)

THE slumdog millionaire cures hrh HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Dev Patel (27), Robert Smith (58!) and Queen Elizabeth II (not the ship, 91).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
[blank]
Chris: [still on strike]
Howard: Ainley ‘Master-s’ Leyton Orient

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Floyd Ayite (Fulham) – NOPE!
Chris Dagnall (Crewe A;exandra) – NOPE!
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United) – SCORED! A spectral-related accident will surely follow…

Travel PagesThe Travel Pages
Altrincham. It took them til March to amass TEN points, so it was no wonder that they managed to get themselves relegated so soon.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Simeon Akinola – Boreham Wood – Billericay – Harrow – Braintree – Barnet – Brighton

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Nikolay Todorov (Livingstone) – Bulgaria, and Leonardo Silva (Peterborough United) – Brazil.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Crewe Alexandra 3-0 Leyton Orient; Tranmere Rovers 4-1 Southport

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Kevin Ellison (Morecambe) – first goal in 17 and
Scott Vernon (Grimsby Town) – just 3 in 45

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Blackpool v Cheltenham Town at 2-0 on 34 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Bournemouth v Middlesbrough at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Crewe Alexandra v Leyton Orient at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore

Plenty of choice this time:
Alfie May (Doncaster Rovers)
Nicky Clark (Dunfermline)
Jamie Proctor (Carlisle United)
Jamey Osbourne (Grimsby Town)

Old SchoolOld School
George Thomas (Coventry City)
George Cooper (not to be confused with the character actor George A Cooper; Crewe Alexandra)
Bernard Mensah (Aldershot Town)

Plus – one maybe – Sam Stanton? (Dumbarton)

Miscellany

Brighton’s David Stockdale scored two on goals….in their 2-0 loss to Norwich City. A win would have sealed the Championship title.

Lewis Martin (Dunfermline Athletic) has a disciplinary record to be envious of – 3 red cards and 8 yellows this season alone.

Paul Merson – “Boro have shot themselves in the arm”. Is this a drugs reference, and from Paul Merson of all people? Let’s hope not.

Bristol City v Barnsley (3-2 in 90th minute) – Lee Johnson walked out of… etc etc.. this is a familiar pattern, and one that would have earned a Don’t Mean Nuthin’.

Rotherham United’s 1-0 defeat took them to 96 goals conceded in the season. [EDIT: It turned out that they failed to make the ton, conceding 98 and ending with a quite special Goal Difference of -58.]

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
EightBenik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2


SixBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest) x2
David Ball (Fleetwood Town)
George Moncur (Barnsley)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

charlton02
Aswad Thomas (Dover Athletic)
Bradley Goldberg (Bromley)
Conor McAleny (Oxford United on loan from Everton) x2
Darren Bent (Derby County)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)
Nicky Bailey (Sutton United)
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading) x2

Arsenal
ThreeBenik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Mark Randall (Newport County)


FourCraig Beattie (Edinburgh City)
Kyle Bartley (Leeds United on loan from Swansea City)
Tony McMahon (Bradford City) x2

OVERALL RESULT: AN UNLUCKY 13 (SCORERS!) FOR CHARLTON!

Season 4 Game 49 (14-17 Apr)

THE ‘Buffy, Hermione’s watchdog’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sarah Michelle Gellar (40), Emma Watson (27), Matt Allwright (47).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
Frei scores, but it’s Rotherham that have had their chips.
Chris: [retired?]
Howard: [asleep?]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon) – NOPE!
Kal Naismith (Portsmouth) – NOPE! (But to prove he was cursed, he picked up yellow cards on both Friday and Monday’s games)
Doolan (Partick Thistle) – NOPE!

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Nothing recorded here.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Jordan Moore-Taylor (Exeter City) and Craig Mackail-Smith (Peterborough United, on loan from Luton Town)

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Chris Martin (Fulham) – Red card v previous club Norwich City at 0-1. Finished 1-3.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Boreham Wood v Dagenham and Redbridge

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Reece Thompson (North Ferriby United). Reece. Maybe his parents were fans of ‘Home To Roost’…?

Stealth GubStealth Gub
[Friday]
Barney –
called Millwall v Northampton Town at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard –
called Norwich City v Fulham at 0-2 on 65 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris –
called Port Vale v Sheffield United at 0-2 on 45 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!

[Monday:]
Barney – called Brighton and Hove Albion v Wigan Athletic at 1-0 on 54 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Charlton Athletic v Gillingham at 3-0 on 54 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Barrow v North Ferriby United at 3-1 on 66 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Nothing to report again here. But for anyone reading this far, well done.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
Aiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Chris Maguire (Oxford United)
Daryl Murphy (Newcastle United)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United) x3 -1 friday, 2 monday
Luke Varney (Burton Albion) o.g.
Rhys McCabe (Dunfermline Athletic)
Tommy Spurr (Preston North End)
Vadaine Oliver (York City) x2


FiveAaron Williams (Newport County)
Alfie Potter (Mansfield Town)
Danny Swanson (St Johnstone on loan from Coventry City)
James Chester (Aston Villa)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)

charlton02
11Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United) x3 – 1 friday, 2 monday
Luke Varney (Burton Albion) o.g.
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge) x2
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley) x2

Arsenal
OneRoarie Deacon (Sutton United)


SixHarry Maguire (Hull City)
Nicky Law (Bradford City)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Stephen McGinn (St Mirren)

OVERALL RESULT: OWLS BREAK CHARLTON’S ‘WINNING’ RUN!

Season 4 Game 48 (7-10 Apr)

THE ‘Twilight playboys of 1975′ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kristen Stewart (27), Hugh Hefner (91) and Matty “You’re Not A Kid Anymore” Healy (28).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Pittman strikes gold for Livi’
Chris: [still in retirement]
Howard: Jordan [Jones] scores – was it chested in?

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Eden Hazard (Chelsea) – SCORED
Peter MacDonald (Clyde) – FAILED
Ben Dickenson (Colchester United) – SCORED

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Jordan Jones (Kilmarnock)

Pagga!Pagga!
Nothing here

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Graham Carey (Ross County to Plymouth Argyle), Marley Watkins (Inverness Caledonian Thistle to Barnsley) and Graham Cummins (Exeter City to St Johnstone, also Cork City to Preston North End earlier in his career.).

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
A clean record? surely not!

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Bristol City players refunded the fans who had been to see their 5-0 defeat (LINK). This category may end up being renamed!

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called [nothing recorded] !
Howard
– called Bristol City v Wolverhampton Wanderers at 3-0 on 47 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called [nothing recorded] !

Miscellany

Ayite – Fulham, say El Barno’s notes. It’s not clear what this means. It’s another mystery – possibly time to get J B Fletcher in…

If an extra category was needed – Jaap Stam in Norwich City’s 7-1 mullahing of Reading would surely win ‘Fresh Hell’.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FourChris Maguire (Oxford United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)
Vadaine Oliver (York City)


EightAlex Pritchard (Norwich City) x2
Charlie Lee o.g.(Stevenage)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Josh McQuoid o.g.(Stevenage on loan from Luton Town)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Russell Martin (Norwich City)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
EightHarry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jonathan Obika (Swindon Town)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley) x2
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
OneRoarie Deacon (Sutton United)


FiveChe Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Jamie Ward (Nottingham Forest)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)

OVERALL RESULT: POSH AND ADDICKS SHARE THE SPOILS!

Season 4 Game 47 (Midweek Madness 4-5 Apr)

THE ‘Agent Smith’s Happy Catchphrase’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Hugo Weaving (56), Pharrell Williams (43), and Stephen ‘Not Roy Walker’ Mulhern (40).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
“Pugh gets a red card. That tackle must have stunk!”
Chris: [still in self-imposed retirement]
Howard: ‘Did Ipswich’s Sears tower above the defence?’
[And!] Forest’s left back ‘Fox’ off

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Jon Parkin (York City)-NO! Even The Beast was too scared. The other two – Jonathan Kodija (Aston Villa) and Yann Kermogant (Reading) will regret their foolishness….

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Nothing listed

Fresh HellFresh Hell
David Button warns Fulham not to be complacent, then is directly responsible for two goals in their 4-2 defeat to fellow promotion chasers Derby County. Dud throw and Bad clearance. Probably made to walk home.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Bailey Wright quit Preston North End for Bristol City, having previously agreed a new deal. Preston went on gub Bristol in their midweek encounter. Not exactly the ‘Wright’ move. Sorry.

Karl Robinson, the former Milton Keynes Dons manager encountered his old team for the first time on Tuesday night. It was not exactly a happy reunion, as the visitors inflicted a 2-0 defeat.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Troy Deeney (Watford). Always a good standby.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Maybe Barney*
– called Reading v Blackburn Rovers at 2-0 on 42 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!(b)
Maybe Howard*
– called Rochdale v Port Vale at 3-0 on 44 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!(h)
Maybe Chris*
– called Preston North End v Bristol City at 3-0 on 54 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUB!(c)
* – Barney’s notes left the identities a mystery, so this was a guess

Miscellany

Nothing to report at this late stage – just a mystery in Barney’s notes. A scribble at the bottom read “TGUY – BRADY”. I can see that an Anthony (Tony) Brady scored for Queen’s Park in added time to rescue a point away at Alloa Athletic, but beyond that…..?

Answers on a postcard, with the winner getting a night out in Edinburgh with Derek Riordan. What do you mean, “no takers”?

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Benik Afobe (Bournemouth)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)


TwoDavid Ball (Fleetwood Town)
George Boyd (Burnley)

charlton02
SixAde Azeez (Partick Thistle)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Bromley)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading) x2

Arsenal
ThreeBenik Afobe (Bournemouth)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United) o.g.
Jack Jebb (Sutton United)


ThreeChe Adams (Birmingham City)
Harry Maguire (Hull City)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)

OVERALL RESULT: CLOSER THAN THE PREVIOUS ROUND, BUT IT’S ANOTHER CHARLTON WIN!

Season 4 Game 46 (31 Mar – 3 Apr)

THE ‘Steve Jobs’ Donkey Does Dirty Deeds’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Michael Fassbender (40), Eddie Murphy (56) and Angus Young (62).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Barney:
‘Birmingham reach higher ‘Grounds’
Chris: [claims to have ‘retired’]
Howard: Macclesfield Town’s ‘Hancox didn’t score on the half hour’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Still on holiday, though it did have the prescience to leave Cerberus with a uniquely qualified dogsitter in the shape of Genghis Khan. The decayed one’s prescence was still felt by Leeds United’s Chris Wood, Rochdale’s Ian Henderson and Chester’s James Alabi, none of whom netted.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Scottish Division 2’s Annan Athletic boss Jim Chapman spoke of the need for the team to ‘keep going and play as a team’ before their 2nd v 3rd game against Arbroath. Annan’s centre-back Steven Swinglehurst was clearly inspired by these words and was thusly instructed by the referee to ‘keep going’ to the home dressing room after just 2 minutes of said game, which ended in a 2-5 reverse. Oh and Bryan Prunty scored for the Red Lichties, which is always a good thing.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Oldham Athletic have had something of a financial meltdown and this has been passed on to the team, who bought back John Sheridan as manager. The team’s results have unquestionably improved, but seeing a creditable 0-0 half-time against 5th placed Southend United degenerate into a 3-0 defeat won’t help. All Southend’s goals were netted (ba-boom-tsh!) after the Shrimpers were down to ten men. History tells us Sheridan isn’t averse to publicly slamming his players, so we’ll throw a ‘Fresh Hell’ into the bargain.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Chris Eagles (once of The Owls, eh Chris…), currently at Port Vale, which is his 11th club at the age of 31. I think that’ll do…

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Struggling here, maybe Grimsby Town (12th) 1-5 Doncaster Rovers (1st)

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Those who haven’t scored for a while didn’t score again. Which is a situation familiar to Nicklas…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Brentford v Bristol City at 2-0 on 28 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Stirling Albio v Forfar Athletic at 0-3 on 62 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Boreham Wood v Macclesfield Town at 1-3 on 46 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!

Miscellany

As ‘PAGGA!’ wasn’t one of the listed categories, there was plenty of mano et mano on the pitch with Milton Keynes Dons’ George Williams v Gillingham’s Bradley Dack and Newport County’s Joss Labadie v Crawley Town’s Josh Yorwerth on the bill. These were comprehensively overshadowed by the incident in the tunnel at New Douglas Park, which saw St Johnstone’s Danny Swanson and Richard Foster getting punchy with each other at half-time in our second internal pagga of the season.

Another incident featured a two-in-one bumper lot of unused categories when new Owl Sam Winnall scored against his old club Barnsley (‘It Don’t Mean Nuthin’), in an Unpleasant Local Derby.

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveAiden McGeady (Preston North End on loan from Everton)
Chris Eagles (Port Vale)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Nile Ranger (Southend United)


FiveBritt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Nicky Ajose (Swindon Town on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
11Chris Eagles (Port Vale)
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town) x2
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Josh Wright (Gillingham)
Myles Weston (Wycombe Wanderers)
Paul Benson (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic) x3
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
OneCesc ‘Loyalty’ Fabregas (Chelsea)


EightBilly Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Colchester United)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Elliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Kevan Hurst (Guiseley on loan from Mansfield Town)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Rochdale)
Stephen McGinn (St Mirren)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR CHARLTON WIN!

Season 4 Game 45 (24-27 Mar)

THE Willow Rosenberg Fires Rocket Man HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Alyson Hannigan (43), Alan Sugar (69), and Elton John (70).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
None recorded (which will not surprise Chris) but I’ll have a look down the side of the sofa and update this as necessary.

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…foretold a dark time when your scribe would have an allergic reaction to the Amoxicillin the dentist gave him which would hospitalise him for some of April and most of May. Still, I can now fit into 40” waist trousers so swings and roundabouts and all that… Scunthorpe United’s Paddy Madden and Northampton Town’s Michael Smith failed to trouble the scorers, but Tranmere Rovers’ Andy Cook spoiled the Dread Hand’s broth…

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Dover Athletic’s Ross Lafayette, 15 clubs at the age of 31 and he used to work for Channel 5, though he obviously keeps this quiet.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Turns out Chris Porter is a New Jersey based rapper who had a US hit with Water Dance, featuring Pitbull. He’s also a veteran target man who scored twice for Colchester United over the weekend.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Exeter City v Yeovil Town just gets in at 35 miles as the crow flies… As if welcoming Howard to the far southwest isn’t bad enough.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
The gubs were so stealthy this week that they failed to be recorded on Barney’s papyrus scroll.

Old SchoolOld School
Coventry City’s George Thomas has been on here before, but it’s a fairly truncated fixture list this week, so he’ll have to do.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Went astray, despite there being four 0-0 draws…

Miscellany

Yeovil Town’s Darren Way must surely have rained Fresh Hell on his charges as Exeter City scored thrice in 219 seconds [verily they did, forsooth, Lord Barney], securing a highly unlikely 3-3 draw in the (unpleasant) local derby. Shaylon Harrison scored the second of the Glovers’ goals, registering himself as a future Born In Burberry in the process. Perhaps he celebrates by revving his car up quite pointlessly in a Sainsbury’s car park with Katy B banging through the tinted windows.

And a Half-time Churchill was spotted as Woking fell to Maidstone United 2-4 after being 2-1 up at half time. The Cardinals’ manager is none other than Garry Hill, described as ‘quite a flinty character’ by the sage John Motson, so we’ll throw in our second Fresh Hell of the week. You can tell it wasn’t a category this time around, can’t you?

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
ThreeAyo Obileye (Eastleigh)
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)
Nile Ranger (Southend United)


TwoKyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
OneAyo Obileye (Eastleigh)

Arsenal
OneRoarie Deacon (Sutton United)


TwoChris Porter (Colchester United) x2

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR THE OWLS!