Season 5 Game 07 – (25 to 28 August)

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THE ‘Just My Luck, Papa Lazarou is The Boss’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Chris Pine (37), the League of Gentlemen’s Reece Shearsmith (47) and Melissa McCarthy (48).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
None listed, which seems unbelievable. How about ‘Bowen [Jarod Bowen] hits the bullseye for Hull’? No? Oh well…

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Slightly displeased with the lack of global war despite the best efforts of the North Korean leadership, it decided to take matters into its own hands by blocking the sun (though not in the city of Liverpool sense). Alas, even the eldritch powers of our supernatural colleague couldn’t manage any more than an hour of non-solar action. Further disappointing news arrived due to Dunfermline’s Joe Cardle and Bristol Rovers’ Billy Bodin both defied the (almost) undefiable and netted, whilst Brentford’s Neal Maupay never left the bench. Overall reaction? ‘Despondent’

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
A handsome round of applause heading to Accrington Stanley, where Mehki Leacock-McLeod was on as a sub on 57 minutes, and off, via a red card, on 66. A solid effort there.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
None. The closest was probably Luton Town’s Danny Hylton, who was fined £1000 for racial abuse and given an 8-match ban in 2012.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
One very clear winner in Solihull Moors’ Tahvon Campbell. Somewhere just north of Birmingham there’s hope for Dappy’s solo career.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
No callers it would seem, rather like Bendtner himself, who I believe is at Rosenborg. Not Arsenal or AC Milan anymore.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– PASS! – FAILED!
Howard
– called Howard – Millwall 4-0 Norwich, called at 3-0 on 24 min – Finished – FAILED!
Chris
– PASS! – FAILED!

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Rochdale v Bury. Not only an unpleasant local derby, but a thoroughly dull nil-nil draw with 3 shots on target. Doubly impressive for Rochdale as Bury’s keeper Joe Murphy saw red with 40-odd minutes left.

Miscellany

Torquay United v Solihull Moors was clearly the place to be for odd events, as ‘The Moors’ (dear oh dear) keeper Nathan Vaughan (“two first names!”) scored direct from a goal kick, the ball bouncing over the recently re-signed, debut-making Gulls’ keeper Dan Laverncombe, which could well configure a second ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’ of the week.

An almost unique triple-whammy at The Banks’ Stadium, where Luke Leahy notched up a “Brighton” in Walsall’s 3-3 with Bradford City, where the Saddlers’ recovery from 0-2 down at half time and 0-3 through Leahy’s own goal would surely countenance a “Reverse Churchill” and subsequent “Fresh Hell” to Bradford’s Stuart McCall.

The Results

Ayo Obileye (Eastleigh)
Chris O’Grady (Chesterfield)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


George Moncur (Barnsley)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Lee Angol (Mansfield Town)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City) x2

charlton02
Ayo Obileye (Eastleigh)
Frank Nouble (Newport County) x3
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Kyel Reid (Colchester United on loan from Coventry City)
Rhys Browne (Yeovil Town)

Arsenal
Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Cesc Fabregas (Chelsea)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)
Rui Fonte (Fulham)


Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Chris O’Grady (Chesterfield)
Dominic Poleon (Bradford City)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kingsley James (Chester)
Kyel Reid (Colchester United on loan from Coventry City)

OVERALL RESULT: POINTS SHARED BETWEEN THE POSH AND THE ADDICKS.




Season 5 Game 06 (22 to 23 August)

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THE ‘Carpool Karaoke with Erin Gilbert and Pussy Galore’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of James Corden (39), Kirsten Wiig (44) and Honor Blackman (92).

Midweek sloth version as ever, so just a few notes, rather than actual categories:

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
PASS!
Chris: ‘Joss ‘Sticks’ it to Leeds’
Howard: PASS!

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Accrington Stanley’s Tom Dallison-Lisbon netted, having formerly been known as plain old Tom Dallison. It’s a rebranding exercise, like Staines-on-Thames.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
An epic It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ St James Park, Where ex-Nottingham Forest goalie and defender Karl Darlow and Jamaal Lascelles saw their old club turn over Newcastle United 3-2. Newcastle didn’t want to win the cup anyway.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Fine piece of Darwinism at Elland Road, where Leeds United 5-1 Newport County was the final score. Leeds let Newport score first too.

Miscellany

Nothing to report.

The Results

Caolan Lavery (Sheffield United)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Lewis Baker (Middlesbrough on loan from Chelsea)


Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02
Dorian Dervite (Bolton Wanderers)

Arsenal
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)


Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
John Egan (Brentford)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)

OVERALL RESULT [BROUGHT TO YOU DURING THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD – R.I.P. GEORGE A. ROMERO]: IT’S A STEEL CITY TIE!

Season 5 Game 05 (18 to 21 August)

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THE ‘BBC News, read by Gangsta Granny with Glee’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Huw Edwards (56), David Walliams (46) and Demi Lovato (25; whoever this is).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Carlisle United’s Lambe is the best baa none’ [Reggie Lambe]
Chris: ‘Sonny (Bradley’s) own goal makes a bright start for Fleetwood Town’
Howard: ‘Rochdale found out exactly where Whalley is’ [Simon Whalley]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Arrived in the Democratic Republic Of The Congo, where they spread peace, love and the Ebola virus. Despite the vast distance between Kinshasa and Old Blighty, the force was once again strong as Leicester City’s Jamie Vardy, Derby County’s Tom Lawrence and Simon Murray at Hibernian all failed to trouble to scorers. Reaction from the ethereal one believed to be ‘approving’.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Very sparse fare for the above category, however, some research reveals Accrington Stanley 2-1 Mansfield Town at full time, 1-1 at half time and Accrington’s winner arrived with almost the last kick of the game against Mansfield’s (proportionally) expensively-assembled team. Besides, the Stags are managed by Steve Evans. Next!

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
This was heading for a disappointing blank until Jake Forster-Caskey score twice late on for the Addicks, probably saving himself for toast-making duties for some spawn of Jacob Rhys-Mogg.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Simon Grand’s career has seen him play for most conference clubs in the northwest and would be a candidate for Tony Craig’s Oyster were it not for a year at Telford United. He’s racked up 13 clubs at 32  years of age, which easily qualifies in this parish.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
This would be amply covered by Carlisle 3-0 Cheltenham and those 474 driving miles and 435 minutes of travel for the ridiculously die-hard branch of the Whaddon Road outfit. A Ford Transit may suffice.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Fleetwood Town v AFC Wimbledon, called at 2-0 on 60 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Carlisle United v Cheltenham Town, called at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Oldham Athletic v Wigan Athletic, called at 0-2 on 15 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!

60P !!!60P!!!
An unexpected [some may say ‘unwanted’] defrost from the deep freeze. It was communication by phone line only from Forest Green Rovers’ New Lawn Stadium, but they’re the league’s new boys so this is perhaps understandable. A similar story unfolded at Peterborough United’s ABAX Stadium [EDIT: a moan about it really being London Road surely was missing from this point?], but this is Peterborough so this is entirely understandable.

Miscellany

Interesting before and after regarding Burton Albion v Birmingham City on Friday [Albion won 2-1]:

Before – Birmingham City’s captain Michael Morrison: ‘Harry Redknapp knows exactly what he’s doing’ – Morrison blames Zola for ‘ruining’ Championship dream

After – Harry Redknapp: ‘No one is going to say “I’ll sprinkle some stardust on you and you’re suddenly not the team that ruined Zola last season”, we need to change a lot of them, they’re just not good enough’

ALSO – here’s a poser for you – can we guess what happened here, courtesy of Sky’s vidiprinter:

‘[68 min] Manny Smith (Wrexham) Straight red for foul play’

’[71 min] Mark Carrington (Wrexham) Straight Red for foul and abusive language’

The Results

Daryl Murphy (Nottingham Forest)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Stevie May (Aberdeen) x2


Lee Angol (Mansfield Town)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Nicky Ajose (Bury on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Shaun Jeffers (Boreham Wood)

charlton02
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)

Arsenal
Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Josh Rees (Bromley)
Roarie Deacon (Dundee)


Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Harry Maguire (Leicester City)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Kevan Hurst (Guiseley on loan from Mansfield Town)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone on loan from Rangers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Sean McGinty (Torquay United)
Steve Davies (Rochdale) x2

OVERALL RESULT [Bought to you by the Fiddly Foodle Bird (Narrated by Sir Bruce Forsyth R.I.P.)]: A BIG WIN FOR MR. LUFF, STARTING TO RUN OFF WITH THE LEAGUE AGAIN!

Season 5 Game 04 (15 to 16 August)

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THE ‘A Dark, Despicable Knight with The Beast’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ben Affleck (45), Steve Carell (56) and The Chase’s Mark Labbett (52).

This being a midweek round, it would normally be a much-truncated edition. However, we did initially have categories and such for it, and as I still have the evidence, it is presented here for your….amusement?

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Howard: Mitch Brundle-d it home for Dover Athletic
[Any other possibles here were mercy-killed by Barney]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Nominated via text were:- Mohamed Eisa (Cheltenham Town), Bobby Reid (Bristol City) and Tom Pope (Port Vale). Eisa and Pope wisely didn’t risk supernatural vengeance by actually playing, but Bobby Reid dared to score. He will learn…

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Nominated via text but not included on Barney’s notes was this hard to get category. It lived up to its’ difficult reputation as nothing was recorded here.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
This category was fulfilled courtesy of Burton Albion’s Hope Akpan, who went for a straight red card tackle after coming on as a substitute. “Hope has gone for a Burton” said Wiggy.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Mick McCarthy’s return to Millwall, where his Tractor Boys defeated the New Den residents due to a very late decider in a 4-3 win, where former Addick Martyn Waghorn netted twice.

Another was identified at the Cardiff City Stadium, where Neil Warnock would’ve enjoyed Cardiff 2-0 Sheffield United.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Again, this category was nominated but not included in Barney’s Notes. Seeing the bulldog-chewing-a-wasp face of the Blades’ Chris Wilder, any time that they do not win 27-0 could be included here. Here, they lost to promotion rivals Cardiff City now managed by veteran swearer (and Blades legend) Neil Warnock (as noted above). So, “Are you happy with that performance Mr Wilder?”

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
Struggling a bit here (again, a category excised from Barney’s final notes) – Dagenham and Redbridge v Ebbsfleet United. Dagenham and Ebbsfleet are about 20 miles apart (ish) so I guess they qualify.

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Cammy Balantyne (Montrose) was noted by me, but all details of this were purged from the Notes Of Barn. Additionally, category regular Matty Pearson knocked one in for Barnsley in a 2-1 win over Nottingham Forest.

Miscellany

I think the Categories were meant to go here, being a midweek one, but they were chosen and things were found for them at the time so they won’t get lumped here. This is the end of the news. I’m Alastair Burnet. Hic. Goodnight. Arrr arraar araraarrrr arrrr. Godblessyousir.

The Results

Ayo Obileye (Eastleigh)
Daryl Murphy (Nottingham Forest)
Glenn Whelan (Aston Villa) o.g.
Jordan Spence (Ipswich Town)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough) x2
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Shaun Jeffers (Boreham Wood)

charlton02
Ayo Obileye (Eastleigh)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town) x2
Tobi Sho-Silva (Dover Athletic)

Arsenal
Gavin Hoyte (Eastleigh) o.g.
Josh Rees (Bromley)


Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) – counting double against his old club

OVERALL RESULT: A THREE-WAY SPLIT BETWEEN THE OWLS, ADDICKS AND POSH!



Season 5 Game 03 (11 to 14 August)

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THE ‘The Enchantress Strikes With The Power’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Cara Delavigne (25), Mario Balotelli (26) and Darts Legend Phil Taylor (57).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Hull’s Kamil gives Burton the hump’ [Kamil Grosicki]
Chris: ‘Charles ‘Dunne’ himself no favours getting sent off again’
Howard: ‘Saville’s Fixed It for Millwall’ [George Saville]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney…
…dropped in on Charlottesville over the weekend, where all those zombies holding burning torches reminded the entity of home sweet home. Frankly my dear, it did give a damn about cursing Luton Town’s James Collins, Josh Morris at Scunthorpe United, and Aboubakar Kamara at Fulham. The infernal force is clearly strong as no-one scored. The being’s reaction? ‘smug’

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Motherwell’s left-back Charles Dunne appealed his red card in the midweek cup game, meaning he was available against St Johnstone on Saturday. Dunne celebrated his reprieve by collecting a straight red late on.

At least Dunne had company in the dressing room, as the Steelmen’s goalie, Trevor Carson and centreback Carl McHugh had also been dismissed earlier in the game. This collective effort earns the Fir Park outfit our maiden one of these for the season:

EDIT: Dunne’s red card has been rescinded, though Carson and McHugh remain suspended. The Scottish FA have placed the referee of the above game on the naughty step and he won’t be active this week.

Pagga!Pagga!
On the subject of ‘previous’, Kirk Broadfoot certainly has attained that honour in this area, just ask the thoroughly deserving James MacLean. He’s now making friends and influencing people at Kilmarnock, where he and Isma Goncalves of Hearts went for mutual violent conduct at the weekend. [CLICK HERE]

EDIT: Goncalves’ won appeal against red card, Broadfoot didn’t appeal.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Some debate over whether or not the venerable Paul Benson, now at Boreham Wood makes the grade – on further review, he probably doesn’t.

But coming to the rescue unexpectedly was Wayne Rooney, as it’s 28 miles between Goodison Park and Old Trafford.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
There’s got to be something better than Nathaniel Mendez-Laing’s conviction for driving without a licence out there, but needs must. Where’s David Goodwillie when you need him? No, don’t bother answering that question….

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
I think Arbroath’s Omar Kader and Boreham Wood’s Bruno Andrade have graced this parish previously, so we’ll go with Duane (Octavius) Holmes of Scunthorpe United. Born in Columbus, Georgia, USA. [Barney’s done his research this week, it seems!]…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Rotherham United v Southend United at 3-0 on 26 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
Howard
– called Peterhead v Elgin City at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Port Vale v Wycombe Wanderers at 0-2 on 15 min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!

Miscellany

The new season has coincided with Pride festivals being held throughout the UK. Even in Doncaster. This may explain the run of Brighton’s occurring in the first few weeks of the tourney, Sunderland’s Lewis Grabban taking this to a new extreme, scoring twice against Norwich City, and once for them over the weekend. As Grabban is an ex-Canary, this is also fertile ground for an It Don’t Mean Nuthin’

Not that much else to report other than Aldershot Town 6-0 Guiseley and a 460 mile, 532 minutes round trip for the Guiseley fans. Reports of various North Yorkshire accents asking ‘Where’s Russell?’ were probably correct.

The Results

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Alex Bruce (Bury)
Daryl Murphy (Nottingham Forest)
David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Mark Reynolds (Aberdeen)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) x2

charlton02
David Mooney (Leyton Orient)
Frank Nouble (Newport County)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)
Paul Benson (Boreham Wood)

Arsenal
Blank


Dominic Poleon (Bradford City)
John Egan (Brentford)
Marc McNulty (Cardiff City)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone on loan from Rangers) x2
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) x2
Sam Vokes (Burnley) x2
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: DESPITE A DECENT EFFORT FROM MR SMITH, IT’S STEVE AND THE BLADES AGAIN!




 

Season 5 Game 02 (8th to 9th August)

THE ‘Bernie Focker’s a knockout at the Discotheque’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Dustin Hoffman (80), Chris Eubank (52) and The Edge (56).

THIS IS THE START OF A NEW AND EXCITING POST!

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Either Barney lost them or there weren’t any. Who indeed can say….?

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Southend 0-0 Newport County after 45 minutes. Cue Phil Brown and his storied powers of motivation at the break and the full-time score reads Southend 0-2 Newport…

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Accrington Stanley’s Ben Richards-Everton or Charlton Reice Charles-Cook comfortably pass the test here, though just being fee-payers also guarantees success. Only the cynical would say otherwise….

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Nothing made the top 40, like most of the acts which Barney follows.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Even the most cursory of glances indicates a clear winner in the shape of Barnet’s Shaq (Shaquille to his mum) Coulthirst.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Taking a midweek break, Tony sat back with his feet up, watching the big game with one of John Gwynne’s pies…

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
And this is another blank, though the other Paul Robinson scored for AFC Wimbledon.

Miscellany

A couple of It Don’t Mean Nuthin’s. Erstwhile Coventry City manager Tony Mowbray received plaudits for his dignified manner whilst the Sky Blues new owners dismantled the clubs playing staff, his resignation came shortly after the Coventry board wouldn’t match the mighty Eastleigh’s contract offer for their captain, Reda Johnson. Mowbray has seen enough of life not to bear any grudges but he wouldn’t be human if he didn’t enjoy his new club, Blackburn Rovers, turning over Coventry 3-1.

Shaquille Coulthirst’s performances for Peterborough United can be judged by the fact the more appearances he made for the Posh, the less the Posh board claimed to have paid for him. It’s reasonable to say there was a veritable taxi rank lining up to drive him to Barnet, where he repaid his new employees by scoring against Peterborough. From a penalty. Off the keeper’s hand and the post. in the slightly-less-pointless-than-the-Checkatrade-Trophy-cup.

Congratulations to Colchester United’s Frankie Kent who notched up a ‘Brighton‘ against Aston Villa, his own goal being the decider in their 1-2 reverse.

Kent’s efforts also gave him a fighting chance of a Make Ya Ma Proud but his colours were comprehensively lowered by Fleetwood Town’s Harvey Rodgers, who picked up a red card on debut against Carlisle United.

The Results

David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town) x2
Luke Varney (Burton Albion)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Vadaine Oliver (Morecambe)


Charlie Lee (Leyton Orient)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet) – counting double against his old club
Shaun Brisley (Notts County)

charlton02
David Mooney (Leyton Orient)
Greg Halford (Cardiff City)
Jay McEveley (Tranmere Rovers)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Luke Varney (Burton Albion)

Arsenal
Anthony Stokes (Hibernian) x2
Josh Rees (Bromley)


Anthony Stokes (Hibernian) x2
Billy Clarke (Charlton Athletic)
Che Adams (Birmingham City) x3
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Dominic Poleon (Bradford City)
Greg Halford (Cardiff City)
Jay McEveley (Tranmere Rovers)
Michael Tonge (Port Vale)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WINNER FOR MR. LUFF’S BLADES!

Season 5 Game 01 – (4th to 7th August 2017)

THIS IS THE START OF A NEW AND EXCITING POST!

THE ‘Edd The Duck’s Quacks Don’t Echo for Peggy Mitchell’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Andi Peters (47), Lee Mack (46) and Barbara Windsor (80).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Wigan’s left back is red carded – Did Elder have a senior moment?’ [Callum Elder]
Chris: ‘MacLaren puts Montrose in pole position’ [Connor MacLaren] AND ‘Josh Ruffels Oldham’s feathers’
Howard: ‘Did Lyle ‘Lovett’ when he scored (for Queen of The South)’ [Derek Lyle]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney…
is currently enjoying a world tour, first stop being Pyongyang.
Our friend assumes all that rumbling going on underground is from The Great Deceiver having a spring clean around their denizens. They are still very much keeping tabs on the football though and Beckford of Bury, Obika at Oxford and Costa at Wolves drew the ire of the dark side. Beckford was only one of these to score, though he also missed a penalty. On hearing this news, the hand pronounced itself ‘satisfied’ with the week’s proceedings.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley –
Your panel of experts (who said ‘laughing squad’?) are in agreement over Coventry’s Jodi Jones taking the honours in this here category.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
We thought we had a winner here in Fulham’s Harrison Paton, who appeared to be at Stenhousemuir, alas there are two players who share the name, and Stenny’s Paton is on loan from Heart of Midlothian. And doesn’t he look thrilled to be there.

With this in mind, we’ll go with Ipswich Town’s Joe Garner, whose last three clubs are Preston North End, Glasgow Rangers and the Tractor Boys.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
There’s quite a bit of antipathy for Lee Johnson amongst the Barnsley fans after his walkout on the Oakwell outfit to join Bristol City in February 2016. The reasons for his abrupt departure may be explained by the exodus of players from The Tykes in the recent offseason and, conversely, the £8m spent on just two players by The Robins’ moneyed owners. The subsequent 3-1 opening day win by Bristol City probably gave Johnson a very warm feeling inside.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Barnsley’s turnover of players since last season pales in comparison to Yeovil Town, who racked up 3 wins in their last 27 games of last season. Rumours of a disunited dressing appeared to be confirmed with the subsequent departures of captain and vice captain taking less money to join such luminaries as Newport County and Cheltenham Town respectively. All this has seen the Huish Park team become nailed-on favourites to be the 92nd club come June 2018.

Luton Town, on the other hand, have spent well recently (on players such as Yeovil’s ‘keeper Marek Stech) and are one of the favourites for automatic promotion.

Luton 8-2 Yeovil. At least Yeovil scored first.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
Not too many fixtures ended in chastening losses after a lengthy road trip, the best I could find is Portsmouth 2-0 Rochdale and a 488 mile round trip for the ‘Dale’s (Much thought went into that nickname) hardy away support.

Incidentally, the Luton Town v Yeovil Town fixture mentioned in the previous category deserves a mention here as the Yeovil players refunded the 258 fans who made the journey up to Bedfordshire after their abject display.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Luton Town v Yeovil Town, called at 3-1 on 25 min – Finished: 8-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Edinburgh City v Montrose called at 0-3 on 46 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Bristol City v Barnsley called at 2-0 on 23 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!

Miscellany

As you may expect, the opening day of the season bought a swathe of Make Ya Ma Proud’s, with Lee Novak at Charlton Athletic (straight red card on 6 minutes), the aforementioned Callum Elder collecting a second yellow on his debut, but the winner is Leeds United midfielder Conor Shaughnessy, who signed from Reading in the off-season, and gave away a converted penalty less than a minute into his debut and without actually touching the ball.

Honourable Mention to Lyndon Dykes scoring for Queen Of The South, which we found rather amusing. We hope he took a lot of pride in that goal (and were there scouts from Brighton there?)…

The Results

Gabriel Agbonlahor (Aston Villa)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)


Russell Martin (Norwich City) o.g.
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers) x2
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Bradford City)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)

charlton02
Alan McCormack (Luton Town)
Conor McAleny (Fleetwood Town) x2
Frank Nouble (Newport County)
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
Blank!


Ben Davies (Grimsby Town)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra) x2
Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Michael Tonge (Port Vale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)

OVERALL RESULT – Bought to you this week by Sir Cornelius Fudge, the Minister for Magic in the Harry Potter movies. (RIP Robert Hardy): A SURPRISE OPENING DAY WIN FOR THE ADDICKS!

Season 4 Results

The final standings are as follows:

1
7
13
14
19

 

AND A NICE LITTLE GRAPH TO SHOW HOW THE “DRAMA” UNFOLDED…

Therefore, I announce Sheffield United (represented by STEPHEN LUFF) as the winner for Season 4! Your reaction, Steve…?

Season 4 Game 53 (12-15 May)

SEASON 4 – THE FINAL HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because it is a results-only edition. This is due in the most part to a bout of extreme skiveyness, but also a wish for the final week of the season to be a complete let-down.

The Results according to Chairman Barney

sheffield-wednesday-box
OneRoss Barkley (Everton)


OneDanny Swanson (St Johnstone)

charlton02
NilBlank

Arsenal
OneCesc Fabregas (Chelsea)


ThreeKyle Naughton (Swansea City)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: MISTER LUFF TAKES THE FINAL WEEK. THERE WILL BE A SHORT RECESS WHILE I CONSIDER MY VERDICT ON THE SEASON’S WINNER…

Season 4 Game 52 (5-8 May)

THE ‘Rolling In the Deep, One More Time, with The Monuments Men’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Adele (29), Craig David (36) and George Clooney (56).

THE CATEGORIES

ZingerZinger
Absent again….but it will be back!

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…read with some disquiet in the Daily Express that Prince Philip, 96, was retiring from public life ‘At that age, why, he’s only just getting started causing discord with undiplomacy, lightweight’ it muttered. The mood was not improved by Blackpool’s Mark Cullen scoring, though Hibernian’s Jason Cummings and Carlisle United’s Jabo Ibehre thought better of challenging the dark side in that kind of mood.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Port Vale, or how to screw up a season. In pre-season, chairman Norman Smurthwaite (note: yes, that is his real name) cut the playing and staff budget which saw then-manager Robert Page resign amid open hostility towards Smurthwaite. The Chairman then brought in Bruno Ribiero as manager and increased budgets beyond their original level to facilitate new signings from Holland and Portugal.

These signings never really worked out and Ribiero quit towards the end of the year, a few weeks later Page got his walking papers at Northampton Town and Vale were relegated on the last day of the season, failing to get the victory that would’ve saved them. Smurthwaite quit Port Vale earlier this week.

Incidentally, the Vale managers at the beginning, middle and end of the season were all ex-Blades, Rob Page, Bruno Ribiero and Michael Brown.

Pagga!Pagga!
Nah, most teams are either on the beach or mentally on the beach. I know Peterborough United certainly were for the last couple of games.

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
David Goodwillie, who will surely be a regular on the ‘Known To The Authorities’ board next season. Aberdeen – Plymouth Argyle – Clyde. And we all know why… [LINK]

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Like most English footballers who play for Arsenal, Danny Welbeck is on very good terms with the physiotherapy section of Arsenal’s training ground. But he did manage to score against his erstwhile employers, Man Yoo in a 2-0 win that may have had one of your scribes floating on a tide of smugness for the rest of the day.

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Chris Cohen is Notts Forest’s long-serving left back/left midfielder who is renowned for his determination and endless workrate. These are the attributes which have also seen him carve a second career as the vocalist/guitarist in the rather good (WARNING! Barney’s recommendation only, buyer beware) Deerhoof for many a year.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Not in action for once. I know – shocking! scandal! resign!

Miscellany

*This space is available for rent at reasonable rates*

The Results

sheffield-wednesday-box
FiveDanny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Grant Holt (Hibernian)
Joe Bennett (Cardiff City on loan from Aston Villa) x2
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


NineAlex Pritchard (Norwich City)
Ben Turner (Burton Albion)
Britt Assombalonga (Nottingham Forest) x2
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Jeff Hughes (Tranmere Rovers on loan from Cambridge United) o.g.
Lee Frecklington (Rotherham United)
Reuben Reid (Exeter City)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Wigan Athletic on loan from Fulham)

charlton02
OneYann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
NilBlank!


SixAndy Taylor (Blackpool)
Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Danny Batth (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Sam Vokes (Burnley) x2
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)

OVERALL RESULT: A CLEAR WIN FOR BARNEY IN THE SEASON’S PENULTIMATE WEEK!