Season 5 Game 20 (17-20 Nov)

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THE we’re all girls aloud in the panic room HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of RuPaul (57), Kimberley Walsh (36) and Jodie Foster (55).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
All efforts shredded by Barney so you’ll have to suffer one made up on the spot – “Dagenham & Redbridge’s Scott Doe scored – Doe’s goal has cost Guiseley deer”. There. I hope you’re not happy now…

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
This week’s cursed souls were Mo Salah at Liverpool [SCORED…TWICE!], Kieran Dowell [FAILED] at Nottingham Forest and Kristian Dennis at Chesterfield [SCORED!]. Heads will obviously roll for this unprecedented success…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Seems to have been problems with the mic this week, as none appear to have been called, or at least recorded…

Miscellany

Categories were due to be Known To The Authorities, Diamond Lights, Old School, Bendtner, and one that Barney insists is a category – Is It Cup Week? It was not cup week.

The Results

David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Jordan Spence (Ipswich Town)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers) x3
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons) x2
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool) – counting double against old club
Shaun Brisley (Notts County)

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Frank Nouble (Newport County)
Harry Arter (Bournemouth)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Rhys Browne (Yeovil Town)

Arsenal
Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)


Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Matt Done (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: A MASSIVE WIN FOR THE POSH.

Season 5 Game 19 (10-13 Nov)

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THE “absolutely fabulous g.i.jane’s big night” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Dame June Whitfield (92), Demi Moore (55!!) and Stanley Tucci (actor/director/star of Big Night, 57).

THE CATEGORIES
There weren’t any notes for this week (see below). Makes it easy to publish but probably quite boring to read.


Miscellany
The most I had here was that there were 91 goals scored this week, that’s how little there was this time – it’s like the whole thing had been wiped off the map…

The Results

Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


Harry Anderson (Lincoln City) x2

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Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


Elliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Shaun Miller (Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: IN A LOW SCORING WEEK, STEVE’S BLADES EDGE IT!

Season 5 Game 18 (3-6 Nov)

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THE run to you and shout at melanie owen HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bryan Adams (58), Lulu (68) and Tamzin Outhwaite (37).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
“[Gary] Harkins makes himself heard for Greenock Morton’
Chris: ‘[Chris] Flood opens the gates at Gainsborough Trinity’
Howard: “Gainsborough are saying ‘Oh Noah’ as Flood scores” [or] “[Alex] Finney scores own goal for Cheltenham Town. He will not be up celebrating Saturday Night and Sunday Morning” [or] “John Mills has scored for Hereford United. Maybe he will celebrate with a lager”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
…this week chose to threaten Simon Murray [SCORED!] at Hibernian, Danny Newton at Stevenage [NO] and Pierre-Michel Lasogga at Leeds United [NO] .

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Ross County v Motherwell at 3-1 on 52 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Aston Villa v Sheffield Wednesday at 0-2 on 50 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cheltenham Town v Maidstone United at 0-3 on 50 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Categories chosen for this week were to have been: Claridge Clock, Make Ya Ma Proud, It Don’t Mean Nuthin’, Don’t Call Me Shirley and Brighton.

The Results

David McGoldrick (Ipswich Town)
Gary Madine (Bolton Wanderers)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United) x4


Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers) x2

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Frank Nouble (Newport County)
Joe Pigott (Maidstone United on loan from Cambridge United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United) x4
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)
Michael Smith (Bury)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


Danny Philliskirk (Blackpool)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Ethan Ebanks-Landell (Milton Keynes Dons on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: AN ALL TOO-RARE WIN FOR OUR SOUTHERN CONTINGENT!

Season 5 Game 17 (27-30 Oct)

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THE trapped in the tardis with caitlin jenner’s stranger thins HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Matt Smith (35), Caitlin Jenner (68) and Winona Ryder (46!).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
Nothing!
Chris: [could only offer something about a ‘Monk’ slap…but we’ll draw a veil over that…again!]
Howard: Nothing…was too busy living it up in North Wales

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Ryan Bird at Dover Athletic [NO], Ryan McCord at Arbroath [NO] and Craig Davies at Oldham Athletic [SCORED!] are this week’s three up against the Dark Side…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– no doubt called something but nothing was recorded – FAILED!
Howard
– called Yeovil Town v Stevenage at 3-0 on 68 min – Finished – FAILED!
Chris
– called West Bromwich Albion v Manchester City at 1-2 on 59 min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Categories were due to have been Born In Burberry, Darwinism, Are You My Fag?, Fresh Hell, and An Evening With Paul Robinson.

The Results

A rare blank!


Ben Turner (Burton Albion)
Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Conor Washington (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Tom Nichols (Bristol Rovers)

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Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)

Arsenal
Josh Rees (Bromley)
Nico Yennaris (Brentford)


Jamal Campbell-Ryce (Barnet)
Marc McNulty (Coventry City)
Matt Done (Rochdale)
Matt Kilgallon (Bradford City)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Mark Yeates (Eastleigh) x2

OVERALL RESULT: ANOTHER ONE TO HELP THE BLADES’ TITLE CHALLENGE!

Season 5 Game 16 (20-23 Oct)

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THE trapped in the tardis with caitlin jenner’s ‘Stranger things’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of young whippersnapper Jess Glynne (28), Christopher Lloyd (79) and Shaggy (46…zoiks!).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
Nothing found
Chris: Was still drunk from the Kelham Island Beer Festival to make coherent speech!
Howard: [Alan] Browne – sent off in Preston North End’s defeat to Wolverhampton Wanderers: Browne’d Off? [or, and slightly…slightly better] “The ref shows Ally no Love as he too gets a red card” [for Brechin City]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Raheem Stirling of Manchester City [NOT PLAYING], Matej Vydra [SCORED!] at Derby County and Chris Porter at Crewe Alexandra [NO] are the latest offerings for “that”.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– Nothing recorded – FAILED!
Howard
– called Manchester City v Burnley at 3-0 on 75 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– Nothing recorded – FAILED!

Miscellany

An all-too-rare Pagga! for Ally Love (as mentioned earlier) of Brechin City and Jason Kerr of Queen of the South. The latter won 1-0, the winning goal also being scored by Jason Kerr.

The categories selected for this week were to have been: Diamond Lights, Old School, Reverse Churchill, Local Boy and Bendtner!.

The Results

 Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)


Aaron McLean (Ebbsfleet United)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall) x2
Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Paul Coutts (Sheffield United)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Millwall)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Shaun Jeffers (Boreham Wood)

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Lee Martin (Gillingham)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)

Arsenal
Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Josh Rees (Bromley)
Nico Yennaris (Brentford)


Anthony Stokes (Hibernian)
Conor Coady (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Lee Martin (Gillingham)
Matt Done (Rochdale)
Otis Khan (Yeovil Town)

OVERALL RESULT: A ‘NO CONTEST’ WIN FOR BARNEY & THE POSH!

Season 5 Game 15 (13-16 Oct)

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THE Alan Partridge’s summer holiday with Jo grant HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Steve Coogan (52), Cliff Richard (77) and Katy Manning (71). Also worth noting is the anniversary of the birthday of the legendary Roger Moorwe, born this weekend in Stockwell, South London, in 1927.

As with the next TWENTY(!!!) or so entries, this will be a truncated edition from notes and texts. This is due to us getting 4 months behind. So…. on with the rest (such as it is!)

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
“[Gabriel] Jesus won’t save Stoke from defeat”
Chris: “It’s no Surprise Surprise that [Idrissa] Sylla scored for QPR”
Howard: “It’s not looking too black for Fleetwood Town now that Cole [Devante Cole] has scored”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Bruno Andrade of Boreham Wood (DIDN’T PLAY), Eoin Doyle (NO) at Oldham Athletic and Lewis Morgan at St Mirren (NO) were the hardy souls taking on the Unknown this week – and failing…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Luton Town v Stevenage at 3-0 on 39 min – Finished: 7-1 – GUBBED!
Howard
– called Manchester City v Stoke City at 2-0 on 36 min – Finished: 7-2 – GUBBED!
Chris
– called Portsmouth v Milton Keynes Dons at 2-0 on xx min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Categories were due to be Make Ya Ma Proud, It Don’t Mean Nuthin’, And Stay Out!, Known To The Authorities and Brighton. Someday when he’s finished with dieting, young Barney may yet fill these bits in. Or not.

Also noteworthy was the hapless performance of Coalville Park, who came up against league side Peterhead in the Scottish FA Cup…and lost 9-0. That’s a Dry Wyngarde, according to our Gub Scale.

Finally, Oldham Athletic’s Queensy Marig scored. There is nothing more.

The Results

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Chris Maguire (Bury)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)


Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Erhun Oztumer (Walsall)

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Lee Martin (Gillingham)
Rhys Browne (Yeovil Town)

Arsenal
Blank (yay!)


Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Kyle Walker (Manchester City)
Lee Martin (Gillingham)

OVERALL RESULT:  A NARROW VICTORY FOR THE BLADES! [WORTH WAITING FOR, STEVE?]