Season 5 Game 48 (20-23 Apr)

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THE ‘Sulu with a Queen,’Ding-Dong’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of George Takei (81), Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (92), and Leslie Phillips (94).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
Crawley’s equaliser is more than Yorwerth [Josh Yorwerth]
Chris: Duckens sends the Oldham fans quackers [Duckens Nazon]
Howard: Healey’s goal raises eyebrows at Hartlepool. [Rhys Healey]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Had quite the spring in its step this week when walking Cerberus around the third plane. This joie de vivre was down to a fourth consecutive blank as the foreboding enveloped Ivan Toney at Scunthorpe United, Danny Hylton at Luton Town, and Michael Moffat at Ayr United.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Boreham Wood’s Luke Garrard is getting noticed for his work at the Meadow Park outfit, as they will finish the season as the highest-placed semi-pro team in the National League. But that chat amongst the bovril at the interval saw a 2-0 lead over Bromley descend into a 3-2 away defeat.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardKenny Davis’ Oyster Card
No dice. Or stay at home players for that matter.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
Aston Villa’s Lewis Grabban with 11 clubs at age 30. This will be 12 if Villa go up.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
The Brentford v Queen’s Park Rangers West London Derby may only possibly qualify as unpleasant, but the Leeds United v Barnsley match certainly does.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Bolton Wanderers v Wolverhampton Wanderers at 0-3 on 55 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Southend United v Milton Keynes Dons at 2-0 on 37 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Bromley v Boreham Wood at 0-2 on 24 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Hull City’s Harry Wilson and after a quick confab with Mr Adjudicator, Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Barry Douglas and Bristol City’s own-goal scoring goalie Frank Fielding also make the grade.

Miscellany

North Ferriby United in the National League North. 17 points all year and a challenging 28 points from safety with two games left. Now showing on THE TRAVEL PAGES.

Bolton Wanderers (22nd) 0-4 Wolverhampton Wanderers (1st) makes for an almost perfect DARWINISM.

Dead-last Chesterfield needed to win their game and hope results went their way to have a chance of stopping in the league. The former was not an impossible task as they faced 21st Forest Green Rovers. Alas and alack, the Spireites will now be facing the mighty Maidenhead United and Dover Athletic in the coming season, for they melted away in a 4-1 defeat. This, allied to a handsome 8 points from the last 14 games means there won’t be a better example of a team DYING LIKE DOGS…

DUCKENS NAZON!!! scored twice in Oldham’s 2-2 with AFC Wimbledon, however, our Haitian friend was the villain of the piece here, as his late Latics leveller theoretically prevented Wimbledon from relegating the MK Dons in what would’ve been the greatest IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’ to date.

The Results

Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Caolan Lavery (Rotherham United on loan from Sheffield United)
Daniel Jones (Notts County)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone)


Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
George Boyd (Sheffield Wednesday)
Jake Livermore (West Bromwich Albion)
Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Luke James (Barrow on loan from Forest Green Rovers)
Nicky Ajose (Charlton Athletic)
Ricardo Santos (Barnet)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)

charlton02
Ade Azeez (Dover Athletic on loan from Cambridge United)
Darren Bent (Burton Albion on loan from Derby County)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
Alexis Sanchez (Manchester United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Henri Lansbury (Aston Villa)
Olivier Giroud (Chelsea)
Theo Walcott (Everton)


Conor Coady (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Craig Beattie (Edinburgh City)
Elliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Kevin McDonald (Fulham)
Marc McNulty (Coventry City) x2
Matt Done (Rochdale)
Shaun Miller (Crewe Alexandra on loan from Carlisle United)

OVERALL RESULT: A HALF EACH FOR THE TOP TWO – THE BLADES AND THE POSH

Season 5 Game 47 (13-16 Apr)

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THE ‘Unsane Guitarist is Pianist’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Claire Foy (phwooar…34), Richie Blackmore (73), and Adrien Brody (43).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Burrow leaves Eastleigh with nowhere to hide’ [Gateshead’s Jordan Burrow]
Chris: ‘If it stays like that Bury are Buried’
Howard: ‘Barry Corr scores twice – how’d you like those apples?’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
It’s now three straight weeks of successful curses, as Ryan Sessegnon at Fulham, Wes Thomas at Oxford United and Kyle Lafferty of Heart of Midlothian failed to trouble the scorer. That mid-season break in Hades has done It the world of good.

Make Ya Ma ProudMake Ya Ma Proud
Guiseley needed to beat fellow strugglers Solihull Moors to have any real chance of staying up. Guiseley defender Ben Frempah’s own goal after just 6 minutes set them on their way to a 3-1 loss and almost certainly ensured a local(ish) derby against Bradford Park Avenue next season.

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
No less than five contenders here, but we’ll go with Drey Wright at Colchester United, as the likes of Kallum Higginbotham and Jayden Stockden are regular visitors to these shores.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Swansea City’s Jordan Ayew’s goal was his first of the year. Textbook.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Boreham Wood v Chester at 3-0 on 60 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
Howard
– called East Fife v Arbroath at 0-3 on 57 min – Finished: 0-5 – GUBBED!!
Chris
– Appears not to have called a gub here – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Again, spolit for choice, but Jamie Devitt at Carlisle United takes the honours as we’re always keen to promote newcomers.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Best was St Mirren, who confirmed their title win and promotion to the Scottish Premier by boring their fans with a 0-0 home draw v Livingston in which a grand total of 4 shots were on target.

A reverse Paul Robinson, if such a thing is extant [EDIT: It’s not], was seen in the East Fife 0-5 Arbroath gub at Bayview. Number of shots Arbroath had: 5, Number of shots on target: 5. Rumours of the Fifers ‘keeper Ben McKenzie being replaced by a cardboard cut-out pre-match can’t be confirmed, due to lack of spectators at the game.

Miscellany

Mark Hughes’ wire wool hair would’ve been on full tilt after Southampton lost their half-time adavantage in losing to Chelsea 2-3, but Posh’ Steve Evans may have exceeded the Saints’ boss in Fresh Hell-dom after seeing his team so 0-1 down at home to relegation threatened Rochdale, who lost their best player to a red card on 20 minutes and held on to win the game by the only goal…..

[Anyone wishing to read the following anti-Steve Evans rant can increase the size of the text on your screens, the rest of us can move on with our lives:

(NOPE, CAN’T RESIST….)

BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WITH A MANAGER LIKE STEVE EVANS, WHO CAN ONLY WIN WITH THE BIGGEST CHEQUEBOOK? GOOD GRIEF, IT’S BAD ENOUGH WE HAVE AN ALLEGED SHYSTER AS THE DIRECTOR OF FOOTBALL, WE NOW HAVE SOMEONE WHO WAS ACTUALLY BANNED FROM FOOTBALL FOR BEING A SHYSTER. HE’S FAILED TO GET A TEAM INTO THE PROMOTION POSITIONS WHO ARE DANGEROUS CLOSE TO BREACHING FINANCIAL FAIR PLAY, SO HE’S CUT AND RUN FROM MANSFIELD TO WREAK HAVOC ON POSH. THE LUNATICS ARE NOT ONLY RUNNING THE ASYLUM, THEY’VE GOT THE CHEQUEBOOK TOO. IT LOOKS LIKE FRY’S ‘DONE A BLEO’ ON MCCANN AND THE RESULTANT COUP D’ ETAT HAS SEEN HIS CLONE (MIS)MANAGING THE POSH. SIGH…

We also saw an exemplary ‘It don’t mean Nuthin’ as former Derby County boss Nigel Clough, currently back at Burton Albion, beat his former team and former Burton boss, Gary Rowett, 3-1. Another great escape on the cards for the Brewers?

The Results

Barry Corr (Cambridge United) x2
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Gary Gardner (Barnsley on loan from Aston Villa)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Roger Johnson (Bromley)


A rare blank!

charlton02
Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Roger Johnson (Bromley)
Yann Kermorgant (Reading)

Arsenal
Anthony Jeffrey (Dover Athletic on loan from Sutton United)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Olivier Giroud (Chelsea) x2


Jonathan Forte (Notts County)
Kyle Naughton (Swansea City) o.g.
Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)

OVERALL RESULT: A RARE WEDNESDAY WIN!

Season 5 Game 46 (Midweek madness 10-11 April)

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THE ‘Mulder And Scully win the Premiership On Deadly Ground’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Cerys Matthews (48), Vincent Kompany (32) and Steven Seagal (66).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Gateshead’s Barrow wheels away to celebrate his goal’ [we may have already had this…maybe…]
Chris: [nothing recorded]
Howard: Blackpool’s ‘Longstaff sticks it to Northampton’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Treated itself to a nice glass of vintage sulphur as Mansfield Town’s Kane Hemmings, Tranmere Rovers’ James Norwood and Rochdale’s Ian Henderson all failed to net.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Barney’s suggestion was the Blades’ Lee Evans but we’re going to have to say no here…

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Let’s just say ‘a blank’, though we did have a ‘One man good seeing-to’ (see below)

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Omar Bugiel at Bromley. German-born, so naturally, plays his international football for Lebanon.

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Mike Fondop-Talom at Halifax Town via Guiseley. With that background, he can only be a day student.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Rochdale (22nd) – 1
v
Wigan Athletic (2nd) – 4

Also an Unpleasant Local Derby you say? You’d be quite right.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Burton Albion v Hull City at 0-3 on 59 min – Finished: 0-5 – GUBBED!!
Howard
– called Sheffield United v Middlesboro at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Queen’s Park Rangers v Sheffield Wednesday, tactically at 3-0 on 15 min – Finished: 4-2  – FAILED [or SUCCEEDED]!

Miscellany

Paul Heckingbottom’s tenure at Leeds United has been a largely unhappy journey, not helped by a rousing Halftime Churchill which saw the Whites chuck away a 1-0 first-half lead and concede three second-half goals to the Lilywhites of Preston in what no-one other than Barney is calling the Philip Davies MP derby. [Or Unpleasant Not-so Local Derby?]

Heckingbottom wasn’t alone in the category, as Gateshead’s Steve Watson saw the Heed also ship three second half goals in a 2-1 to 2-4 away reverse against Tranmere Rovers, where Andy Cook, who hasn’t scored on the three occasions when the Dread Hand has pointed at him in 2018, scored all four goals for the Wirral outfit in a ‘One man good seeing to’

Oh, and Dominic Vose scored for Chester, that’s his 12th club and he’s only 24. A Claridge Clock is due. Probably will bean unlucky number 13 following their relegation from the National League…

The Results

Ben Marshall (Millwall on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Will Keane (Hull City)


Jonathan Edwards (Woking on loan from Hull City)

charlton02
Conor McAleny (Fleetwood Town)

Arsenal
Josh Rees (Bromley)


Lyle Taylor (AFC Wimbledon)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)

OVERALL RESULT: MORE MISERY FOR THE BLADES!

Season 5 Game 45 (6-9 April)

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THE Master Monkey Gone To Heaven at Twilight HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jackie Chan (64), Frank Black (53), and Kristen Stewart (28).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Rennie’s opener for Montrose was hard to swallow for Stirling’
Chris: [No comment]
Howard: ‘Jon Smith scored [for AFC Fylde], but it’s Sutton United who are bitter!’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
When the hand points at you, Matt Green at Lincoln City, Nicky Clark at Dunfermline Athletic and Bromley’s Brandon Hanlan, you’d be wise not to anger the underworld by scoring. They were, and didn’t.

Pagga!Pagga!
Kudos to Mohamed El Neny and Jack Stephens, as their stoppage time encounter at the Arsenal v Southampton fixture ensured a rare clean sweep of all the categories on the week. Cheers.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Southampton’s Charlie Austin (LINK) and Rangers’ Kenny Miller (LINK), for the usual footballer’s misdeed of getting punchy following the voracious consumption of alcoholic beverages. Austin also took this a stage further by the alleged use of “nose products”…

Glenn & ChrisDiamond Lights
Britpop band Space are surprisingly still knocking around today, though their guitarist Jamie Murphy moonlights as a winger for Rangers and he scored at the weekend.

Where's Russell Martin?Where’s Russell Martin?
He may have been at the Matchroom Stadium, as only Sky Sports call it, after Leyton Orient 4-1 Barrow and a 546 mile round trip for the away contingent, who will have at least stocked up on nearby Kendal Mint Cake for the arduous journey.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Mansfield Town v Crewe Alexandra at 1-4 on 24 min – Finished: 3-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Yeovil Town v Luton Town at 0-2 on 40 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Middlesbrough v Nottingham Forest at 2-0 on 29 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!

Miscellany

Categories/potential categories so new they don’t even have a picture. Hopefully all are self-explanatory…

Is It Cup Week?
Birmingham City v Burton Albion. Let’s hope the Pirelli Stadium outfit enjoy the day. Oops.

Duckens Nazon!!! (or Duck Patrol or Duck Hunt?)
Didn’t score this week but Halifax Town’s Mike Fondop-Talom did, which is almost as good.

Dying Like Dogs
Chester needed to beat local rivals Tranmere Rovers in a classic UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBY to have any chance of stopping up. They subsided to a 0-2 reverse and are this week’s winners…

Manchester City 2-3 Manchester United, after a probable HALF-TIME CHURCHILL from Pep Guardiola and a full-time IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’ overload from Jose Mourinho.

Yeovil Town’s Ryan Dickson got a straight red for foul play, with a surname like that, the ZINGER writes itself.

And finally, honestly, a MAKE YA MA PROUD moment for Jake Watt’s nearest and dearest, as the on-loan Airdrieonians defender got a second yellow in stoppage time during their 2-1 home defeat against Ayr United. Watt was back after serving a suspension for a second yellow received in stoppage time during their 2-1 home defeat against Ayr, no sorry Raith Rovers, two weeks back.

The Results

Gary Gardner (Barnsley on loan from Aston Villa)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


Chris Whelpdale (Stevenage)
Joe Newell (Rotherham United)
Lee Angol (Mansfield Town)
Luke James (Barrow on loan from Forest Green Rovers)

charlton02
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
Blank!


Elliott Whitehouse (Lincoln City)
Ethan Ebanks-Landell (Milton Keynes Dons on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jamie Murphy (Rangers on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Jonathan Forte (Notts County) x2
Matt Done (Rochdale) o.g.
Ryan Cresswell (Eastleigh)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)

OVERALL RESULT: RESOUNDING WIN FOR THE BLADES!


Season 5 Game 44 (Easter Monday 2 April -Tuesday 3 Apr)

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THE ‘Cruel Summer for the Donkeys who voted for Brexit’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bananarama’s Keren Woodward (57), Eddie Murphy (57) and nasty Nigel Farage (53).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Aldershot no bar to Zebroski’ [The Eastleigh striker recently returned from a pison stretch. One website lists this as ‘Career break’!]
Chris: ‘The kids and grown ups love Aribo’s goal’ [Joe Aribo; I would like to add that prior to this, I said – “Was it a sweet finish?”]
Howard: ‘Lines red-carded, was he talking Tosh?’ [Chris Lines]

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Defied the lightening days and cast its malcontent far and wide, blanking Albert Adomah at Aston Villa, Chuks Aneke at Milton Keynes Dons and Uche Ikpeaku at Cambridge. Celebrated by watching Housemaster, a movie from 1938. Funny how the star of the film, Otto Kruger disappeared from our screens the year after…[is it?]

And stay out!…And Stay Out!
Alex Flisher of Yeovil Town, via Torquay United, Inverness Caledonian Thistle and Motherwell.

Tony Craig's Oyster CardTony Craig’s Oyster Card
Henceforth to be known as Kenny Davis’ Oyster after Tony’s out of town move to Bristol Rovers-but, even a new moniker for this category can’t alter the usual result of a blank.

Fresh HellFresh Hell
Middlesborough players, and indeed the town of Burton, were spared the Tony Pulis leveller off the pitch with a last-minute leveller on the pitch for Boro at the Pirelli Stadium.

Norwich City boss Daniel Farke qualifies here though, after a 4-1 away thrashing by Queen’s Park Rangers. It also gave Barney an extra Zinger – ‘Farke would’ve been only one of the words he may have used to castigate his players after losing 4-1 to becalmed QPR’

Looking at the Vanarama League, there’s a couple of excellent efforts there in Dover Athletic squaring the match against Ebbsfleet United with a 93rd minute penalty then conceding in the 96th. Also, Wiggy’s spring hair which would have frazzled at the edges as his beloved Hartlepool United lost to a 92nd minute winner at home to chin-deep Guiseley.

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Lukas Jutkiewicz. 7 goals in 20 on loan games for Bolton Wanderers, but joined Burnley on a permanent deal where he made 32 appearances, scoring a sum total of nowt. He went on to join Birmingham City, and Clarets fans won’t be surprised to know his winner against the Trotters was his first since September 2017. Two Bendtners in one player and still playing in the Championship? That’s one fine agent you have there, Mr Jutkiewicz.

UNPLEASANT LOCAL DERBYUnpleasant Local Derby
It’s seeing fixtures like Macclesfield Town v Chester which forces Barney to state: “Once again, I do NOT look at the list of matches before I select the categories.”

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– [Nothing recorded] – FAILED!
Howard
– called Coventry City v Yeovil Town at 3-0 on 19 min – Finished: 2-6 – FAILED!
Chris
– [Nothing recorded] – FAILED!

Miscellany

Fag? was a surprising blank in our previous round, but Conor Lemonhaigh-Evans and Reece Grego-Cox of Torquay and Woking respectively made every effort to compensate by scoring in the same match. Too little, too late, rather like Barney’s updates.

Ryan Manning, QPRs defensive midfielder, notched up a Brighton, scoring Norwich’s only goal as well as netting for his team in the West London outfit’s 4-1 home win. As he’s Irish, it’s only just offically legal to do such a thing, though his namesake Bradley/Chelsea Manning may have also scored at both ends…The U’s official website doesn’t help either, stating ‘QPR beat off a host of teams to bring this exciting prospect to Loftus Road’

The Results

Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)


Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Kyle Vassell (Blackpool)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)
Ryan Bennett (Wolverhampton Wanderers) o.g.
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)

charlton02
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town) x2
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)
Michael Turner (Southend United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
Josh Rees (Bromley)


Kevin McDonald (Fulham)
Martyn Woolford (Grimsby Town)

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR THE ADDICKS!

Season 5 Game 43 (Good Friday March 30-Easter Sunday 1 Apr)

THIS IS THE START OF A NEW AND EXCITING POST!

THE ‘Hagrid and Charity Play Ball’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robbie Coltrane (68), Emma Atkins (42) and Angus Young (64).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Telford engineers Bristol Rovers’ equilizer’ [Dom, in this case]
Chris: Chris ‘Semi-retired’ (Hang on, I thought that was when you were working? *EDIT* I’m not one to snitch but Barney said this. It was him, it was him!)
Howard: ‘March was fouled for the penalty, but Leicester are not ‘Solly’ as it was missed’

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Inflicted its grip on Lyle Taylor at AFC Wimbledon and Luke O’Nien at Wycombe Wanderers, but Jamie Vardy’s from the Steel City and has probably dealt with the undead after a Saturday Night on West Street so the Hand was reduced to impotently shaking its fist as the Leicester City striker scored.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEYDon’t Call Me Shirley
Howard’s not going to allow Millwall’s Lee Gregory or Livvy’s Lee Miller are you? [TRUE!] This is probably a good thing, as Gregory’s former team Glapwell Miners’ Welfare would be aghast at such androgyny. There was someone…Alexis something that might have fitted here, but we don’t mention him 😉

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
Rotherham United’s Caolan Lavery. Born in Alberta, Canada, represents Northern Ireland, has played for both Sheffield clubs and also had a week’s trial at Charlton Athletic (but was found Not Guilty).

Are You My Fag?Are You My Fag?
Fortunately, Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) and Reece Grego-Cox (Queen’s Park Rangers) prevented Barney from making any ‘biscuit game’ [Google it… but at home!] references.

Bendtner!Bendtner!
Joao Mario at West Ham United. First goal in 14 months for the ‘striker’. More on this game further on…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Montrose v Edinburgh City at 2-0 on 24 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Elgin City v Stirling Albion at 2-0 on 21 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Man Yoo 2-0 Swansea at 2-0 on 20 min – Finished – FAILED!

Youre not a kid anymoreYou’re Not A Kid Anymore
Carlisle United’s Jamie Devitt and St Johnstone’s Matty Willock’s goals certainly cut the cheese in this here category.

Miscellany

Some excellent non-category action, none more so than Marco Arnautovic’s spectacular IT DON’T MEAN NUTHIN’ celebration towards his erstwhile manager at Stoke City, Mark Hughes.

From mental to physical abuse as Calum Woods of Brentford and Jamal Blackman of yon Blades dispensed with the niceties and opted for a bit of clandestine hand-to-hand combat, the referee giving them first use of the respective dressing rooms in a textbook PAGGA.

Oh and a fine PAUL ROBINSON was displayed for all to see at Meadow Lane, where Notts County and Wycombe Wanderers shared 39 fouls and 3 shots on target in a bonanza for those who like lots of fouls and sod all goals.

The Results

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Caolan Lavery (Rotherham United on loan from Sheffield United)
Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Danny Pugh (Port Vale on loan from Blackpool)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Stevie May (Aberdeen)


Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers) x2

charlton02
Darren Bent (Burton Albion on loan from Derby County)
David Mooney (Leyton Orient)

Arsenal
Alexis Sanchez (Manchester United)


[Jamie Murphy (Rangers on loan from Brighton and Hove Albion)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Steve Davies (Rochdale)]

OVERALL RESULT: A RARE WIN FOR THE OWLS!



Season 5 Game 42 (23-26 Mar)

THIS IS THE START OF A NEW AND EXCITING POST!

THE ‘5 Gold medals? Bake Off and Die’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Sir Mo Farah (35), Mary Berry (83) and Mark Callaway, alias the WWE’s Undertaker (53).

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘[Stefan] Payne shatters Wimbledon’
Chris: [nothing recorded]
Howard: ‘Aldershot’s McClure has scored – have they ‘Doug’ out a result?’ {Matt McClure}

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Did what most clubs have failed to do, and blank Jack Marriott at Peterborough United, and also did a job on Greenock Morton’s Gary Harkins but Andy Cook of Tranmere Rovers scored twice late on whilst the hand was distracted by watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with the lovely Howard Keel, who was quite the handsome chappie back then..

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
Couldn’t see any ‘incidents’.

Reverse ChurchillReverse Churchill
Digging deep here, but Arbroath’s Dick Campbell, did THIS earlier in the year (LINK) [fun and games begin at 3 minutes 55 seconds] for which a seven match ban was earned. So it probably was his assistant manager whose stirring speech saw The Red Lichties concede 3 in the second half, losing 2-3 at home to Stranraer. That this also qualifies as a FRESH HELL from Campbell is undoubtable, but who got the rollocking, his team or his assistant?

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
A whole bunch of these, with Newport County’s Cypriot international Mickey Demetriou and Crawley Town’s Cameroonian Pausache Camara making the grade along with Australian Lyndon Dykes at Queen of The South (still raises a smile) and his Spiders compadre, Bulgarian Nikolai Todorov also in contention.

Claridge ClockClaridge Clock
It’s the mighty Reuben Reid, with 14 clubs at 29 including every west country club other than Bristol Rovers. He’s a Bristol City fan…

Born into BurberryBorn In Burberry
Either Cheyenne Dunkley at Wigan Athletic [full name Cheyenne Armani Keanu Roma Dunkley] or Kainye Woolery at Swindon Town will certainly suffice here.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Ayr United v Queen’s Park at 3-0 on 34 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Crawley Town v Cheltenham Town at 0-3 on 55 min – Finished: 3-5 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Bury v Wigan Athletic at 0-2 on 55 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!

Miscellany

A Fresh Hell and probably his first for rookie manager John Eustace at Kidderminster, who saw his team surrender a 4-0 lead in the last 10 mins of the home game versus Salford FC. We were also impressed by Barrow 0-0 Dover Athletic, which is a straight 750 driving miles round trip or 150 miles per shot on target. Good work.

Oh and all kinds of naughty boys who are Known To The Authorities hit the scoresheet north of the border, with Elgin City’s Darryl McHardy and Clyde’s David Goodwillie netting.

The Results

Daniel Jones (Notts County)


Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)

charlton02
Harry Pell (Cheltenham Town) x2

Arsenal
Blank!


Dominic Poleon (Bradford City)
Marc McNulty (Coventry City) x3

OVERALL RESULT: A NARROW WIN FOR THE BLADES!

Season 5 Game 41 (16-19 Mar 2018)

THIS IS THE START OF A NEW AND EXCITING POST!

THE ‘Brief History of Bendy Bully’s Tickling Stick’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

Something of a change from the usual format, in that this week’s edition is named to celebrate three great Britons who died in the past week, Professor Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen and Sir Ken Dodd.

THE CATEGORIES

Zinger
Barney:
‘Stevenage’s Luke Amos ‘Brearley’ drops Port Vale in it’
Chris: ‘Bristol Rovers’ Harrison scored ‘Han Solo’ goal?’ [Ellis Harrison]
Howard: ‘Reading’s Sam Smith scores, but the writing’s on the wall for Stam’ (How right you were)

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Kilmarnock’s Kris Boyd (NOT George, who, being a vampire, is probably on first name terms with our decayed friend) was the only player to best the curse, as both Annan Athletic’s Aidan Smith and Bristol City’s Bobby Reid were cowed by the etheral one.

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Well, it would appear that no goalscorer has worried the judges. this can’t be true, they’re footballers damnit…

It Dont Mean NuthinIt Don’t Mean Nuthin’
Former Rangers striker Kris Boyd defied his age and the Dread Hand (See above) to score the winner for Killie against the Ibrox Park outfit. Kilmarnock’s boss Steve Clarke used to manage Reading, who have improved by leaps and bounds since. Except they haven’t. And Killie have lost once in their last 15…

Stealth GubStealth Gub
Barney
– called Wolverhampton Wanderers v Burton Albion, at 1-0 on 14 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Milton Keynes Dons v Bury at 2-0 on 55 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Norwich City v Reading, at 3-1 on 43 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!

Old SchoolOld School
Some debate over whether Cheltenham Town’s Brian Graham’s christian name was of enough vintage to warrant inclusion in this here segment, but there was unanimous support for Bury’s George Miller.

Paul RobinsonAn Evening With Paul Robinson
Dunfermline 0-0 Grenock Morton. Two shots on target throughout in game played in blizzard with tempretures never rising above freezing. It’s fair to say this could be the most PAUL ROBINSON game of the season to date.

Miscellany

Two ‘Ma’s were made very proud as their offspring put in exemplary efforts. Step forward Sunderland’s Jake Clarke-Salter, back from a three match ban, the Chelsea loanee picks up another 2 yellows to add to his impressive collection for the season. The Sunderland fans were predictably sanguine over this latest reverse: see LINK.

But we mustn’t forget a fine cameo effort from Romaine Sawyers of Brentford, who entered the fray on 75 minutes and left on 89, having also accrued a couple of yellows.

The Results

Ben Marshall (Millwall on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Deji Oshilaja (AFC Wimbledon)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)


David Ball (Rotherham United)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Coventry City on loan from Rotherham United)
Lee Frecklington (Lincoln City)
Luke James (Barrow on loan from Forest Green Rovers)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)
Ricardo Santos (Barnet) o.g.

charlton02
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)

Arsenal
Benik Afobe (Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons) x2


Andrew Davies (Ross County)
Ben Davies (Grimsby Town)
Che Adams (Birmingham City)

OVERALL RESULT: A SURPRISING DRAW FOR THE OWLS AND THE POSH!