Season 5 Results

Longer than the wait for a new Mazzy Star album, here is the results from the Bedlgian Jury…er….Head in Hands League:

1st Peterborough United 20
2nd Sheffield United 18
3rd Sheffield Wednesday 7
4th Charlton Athletic 5.5
5th Arsenal 0

That meant Barney “won”. Here he is in celebratory mood:

Season 5 Game 50 (4-7 May)


THE ‘I’m A Lumberjack, Following My Intuition to Someone like You’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Michael Palin (75), Craig David [?!?!] (38) and Adele (30).


“Thank god it’s over”
Chris: “?”
Howard: “What has Barney done with the Zingers? Surely he hasn’t buried the only bit that’s any good??”

The Dread Hand Of BarneyThe Dread Hand of Barney
Was making good on some late spring cleaning, thowing out clutter such as old cushions, used batteries and fragments of the True Cross. Despite this industry, our decayed compadre once again blanked Bradley Dack at Blackburn Rovers, James Maddison at Norwich City and Aleksandar Mitrovic at Fulham.

Day Trip To BrightonDay Trip To Brighton
They’re on the beach, not around the Pavilion (and certainly Out)…

Known To The AuthoritiesKnown To The Authorities
Most players were too busy on the beach to worry Her Majesty’s Constabulary…

Local Boy Makes GoodLocal Boy Makes Good
I can’t believe we’re drawing a blank on this, hopes were raised when it emerged Kieran Agard had declared for Jamaica but has yet to be capped.

Darwinism In ActionDarwinism In Action
Another barren lot here, though Arsenal gubbing the upstarts Burnley 5-0. Otherwise it’s 12th placed Cambridge United v 20th-placed Port Vale [also 5-0],  which doesn’t really count.

Stealth GubStealth Gub
No Tony this week. From next season, given current BBC policy, he will have been replaced by a woman. If they’re serious about gender equality, maybe they could start with equal pay and leave a well-loved show alone. Thankyou, I’m Peter Davison, goodnight.

Cup Week
Trust Barney to use a category that isn’t even a proper Category yet. Still, Awkward is his middle name (or maybe Shaka). After all that guff he chose:

Rochdale v Charlton Athletic …more on this below.


Now, to make up for the blanks earlier, this does go on a bit, so please don’t fall asleep just yet…

Some fine examples of footballing spite were had on the final day of the League 1 and 2 tourneys. First one will go Northampton Town, who were already wondering where Nailsworth was. The Cobblers charitably allowed Oldham Athletic to join them in visiting the Moss Rose Ground next season by holding them to a 2-2 draw, allowing Rochdale to secure survival by beating Charlton Athletic. which they did 1-0. This result meant Bury were 15 points away from safety and made THE TRAVEL PAGES until the new season begins.

Both Burton Albion and Barnet had been fighting like beavers (Is this an old category? [Edit: YES. Much missed]) to avoid relegation, unlike their rather more moneyed clubs below them *cough* Sunderland, Chesterfield *cough*. Alas, The Bees were relegated despite taking 17 points from their last 9 games and beating Chesterfield 3-0 on the final day, and Bolton Wanderers’ very late winner from Aaron Wilbraham (awarded The Claridge Clock for his efforts) saw the Brewers go south, the win at Sunderland proving to be in vain.

Seamless linking to Sunderland, they, The Spiteites of Chesterfield are also joined in the DYING LIKE DOGS guest category by Barnsley, who needed a win to have any chance of stopping up. Derby 4-1. The RSPCA have been alerted. [I do hope that makes sense to anyone else].

Still with us?

We also saw a couple of PAUL ROBINSON!!!! 0-0 bore draws, in the shape of Cardiff City v Reading and Coventry City v Morecambe, with a combined 7 shots on target and destined to be last on their divisional segment of the godawful Channel 5 highlights programme.

Finally, because it wasn’t a category, of course we had a PAGGA as Swindon Town’s James Dunne and Accrington Stanley’s Jimmy Dunne (no relation) had clearly decided the pitch was only big enough for one Dunne and proceeded to get things Dunne ‘behind the bins’ or near the halfway line in this case. The official’s verdict was harsh as neither Dunne saw the last 5 minutes of the game and won’t see the first 2 matches of next season either. Can I stop typing ‘Dunne’ now. I mean, are we Dunne? Why YES.

The Results

Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Steven MacLean (St Johnstone) x3

George Moncur (Barnsley)
Jake Livermore (West Bromwich Albion)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)

Dean Parrett (AFC Wimbledon)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Martyn Waghorn (Ipswich Town)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Olivier Giroud (Chelsea)

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Matt Kilgallon (Bradford City)
Shaun Miller (Crewe Alexandra on loan from Carlisle United) x2