Season 6 Game 07 (14-17 Sept)

THE ‘It Was Written…By Rick Grimes in Venom’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Nas (whoever he is, 46), The Walking Dead’s Andrew Lincoln (45) and Tom Hardy (41).

Barney: ‘Harrogate’s Howe asks Maidstone United some difficult questions’
[Harrogate Town’s Callum Howe]
Chris: ‘Cowdenbeath’s Talbot samba’s through Peterhead’s Defence’ [Jason Talbot]
Howard: ‘If he scores again, will it be ‘Howe 2’

Is still giving the occasional glance around the curtains of her attractive new neighbour, known only as ‘Barney’s mojo’ – perhaps this was the cause of Hearts’ Steven Naismith netting, but no dice for Leeds United’s Kemar Roofe or AFC Fylde’s Rowe [Danny Rowe].

James Tavernier’s last 3 clubs are Wigan Athletic, Bristol City and Glasgow Rangers, and there’s also a possible runner-up in Hibernian’s David Gray, where Stevenage and Burton Albion preceded his current employment.

It’s that there David Gray Again, Hibernian’s centre-back and three album [EDIT: One, surely?] wonder.

Barney – called Inverness Caledonian Thistle v Partick Thistle called at 3-0 on 32 min – Finished: 3-2 FAILED!
– called Manchester City v Fulham, called at 2-0 on 25 min – Finished: 3-0 FAILED!
– called Wrexham v Ebbsfleet United, called at 3-0 on 40 min – Finished: 4-1 FAILED!

This can really only be Burton Albion v Sunderland. It finished 2-1 to The Brewers, as it did, embarrassingly, at the end of last season.

Roberto Firmino scored for Liverpool. Firmino is featured in the latest Nivea ads as ‘The guy who spends too much time in front of the mirror’ because he doesn’t make enough playing at Anfield. Next!

A 60p was heard from the elderly, crumbling artifice known as the Ricoh Arena, built way back in er… errm…. 2005.

A rather impressive bout of Darwinism was observed at Stamford Bridge, where it finished Chelsea 4-1 Cardiff City (4th v 19th there).

Having a ‘Pagga‘ is pretty rare, but Blackpool managed to get a Pagga between two members of the same side, which is rarer than an Alphabet 10p coin . Donervon Daniels and team-mate Marc Bola were both sent off in the closing minutes of their away tie with Plymouth Argyle following an unseemly scuffle. You’d think they’d be happy to get a narrow away win…

And one can only imagine the Fresh Hell delivered by the ‘abrasive’ Newport County boss Mike Flynn after the Exiles were mullahed six-nil AT HOME by Yeovil Town.


Benik Afobe (Stoke City on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2 but counting double against his old club
Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)

Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Lee Angol (Shrewsbury Town)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)

Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Josh Magennis (Bolton Wanderers)

Benik Afobe (Stoke City on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers) x2
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)
Luke Freeman (Queen’s Park Rangers)

Jon Stead (Notts County)
Jose Baxter (Oldham Athletic)
Kyle McFadzean (Burton Albion)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)



Season 6 Game 06 (7-10 September)

THE ‘Don’t Get Me Wrong, I will Survive ‘Til Tuesday’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Chrissie Hynde (67), Gloria Gaynor (69) and Aimee Mann (58!).

Barney: [None recorded]
Chris: Charlie comes ‘Goode’ for Scunthorpe.
Howard: {Ben} Whiteman makes it black for Luton?

Andy Cook at Walsall, Ronan Curtis at Portsmouth and Paul McCallum at Eastleigh about to disappear into the ether… [And so it turned out that Cook defied the Evil One, but the curse worked on McCallum and Curtis didn’t even make the starting 11!]

Not sure if it counts (but it’s the best I can do!) – Harry Kewell made his debut as Notts County manager. It started off well enough, but reality soon kicked in as the Robins went down 5-1. As if his relatives weren’t proud enough, Kewell get himself sent off later in the game as his side conceded their fourth. “I just told the referee ‘well done’…”, he said. Yeah, right…

Always a difficult one to get, this. Where’s Tommy Hutchinson when you need him?? [he’s retired and living in his native Scotland, since you ask]

Another difficult one to get – nothing was recorded.

Dan Holman (Aldershot Town) onto his 14th club aged just 28. Incidentally, this was to be his only goal in 14 appearances after re-signing. Holman was later released into the wild and is now a drifter, born to walk alone…

It certainly did mean Nuthin’ – this is exactly what I have in this category too.

There appear to have been no Stealth Gubs called for this week. Another week of inactivity for poor old Tony.

A strange incident to relate, featuring former Arsenal striker (and Head In Hands League Category) Nicklas Bendtner, who was sentenced to 50 days in jail this week for breaking a taxi driver’s jaw after refusing to pay the £5 fare. As the Daily Mirror puts it:

The 30-year-old, who now plays for Norwegian side Rosenborg, was partying with his girlfriend before hailing a cab just after 2am on September 9.

Having argued with the driver over his route, Bendtner, who earned £50,000 a week – and his model partner left the car and were pursued by the driver.

Bendtner then punched the man in the jaw before kicking him as he lay on the ground.
[LINK to full story]

A model citizen. He scored against Barcelona once, you know.

Danny Mayor (Bury)

Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

Harry Pell (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Obika (Oxford United)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)

A blank! I swear this isn’t fixed.

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)


Season 6 Game 05 (31 August – 3 September)

THE ‘SeXy football in the matrix? in my dreams’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ruud Gullit (56), Keanu Reeves (54) and Debbie Gibson (48).

Barney: ‘Power’ outage as Sunderland’s Max sees red
Chris: Berwick Rangers’ Willis Diff’rent Strokes it in! [Paul Willis]
Howard: Did Burton Albion’s Templeton ‘Peck’ that one home? [David Templeton]

Oli Shaw at Hibernian, Tom Eaves at Gillingham both blanked, but Ebbsfleet United’s Corey Whitely beat the ‘Countdown’ (and the undead) to score.

Jordan Maguire-Drew at Wrexham (for some reason Barney shouts “LAW FIRM!” at this point) and Dominic Calvert-Lewin at Everton. And then he adds “Both of them have probably made toast for the spawn of Rhys-Mogg”…

Sammy Ameobi (Bolton Wanderers) – his first in SEVEN MONTHS! Rumour is that his shirt sponsor is a Mr S.P Ecsavers.

Barney – called Barnsley v Gillingham at 2-0 on 34 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
– called Heart of Midlothian v St Johnstone at 3-1 on 55 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
– called Queen of the South v Ayr United at 3-0 on 21 min – Finished – a flukey GUB!

Olly Lee (son of Robert, who wouldn’t ever have been called Robbie) at Heart of Midlothian and Matty Pearson (Luton Town). I’m told he was known as Matt at Barnsley, sensibly.

George Oakley (Inverness Caledonian Thistle), their big money signing from er… AFC Wimbledon (via Third Lanark?)

Queen’s Park 0-0 Cowdenbeath. According to the report, “played in wintery conditions” and just a total of THREE shots on goal combined. Bet that didn’t fill the Scottish national stadium! [Update: 534 in a 48000 capactity stadium. Mmmm…]

Notts County’s caretaker manager Dan Jones led by example in getting a red card on 52 minutes. Immediate relations said to be “proud”.Also – Blades’ win over Aston Villa could be constituted as It Don’t Mean nuthin’ as the away team (not like in Star Trek) are one of the many that Steve Bruce has walked out on….


A blank!

Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United) x2
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Junior Morias (Northampton Town)
Lee Frecklington (Lincoln City)
Liam Shephard (Forest Green Rovers)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)

Harry Pell (Colchester United)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Ricky Holmes (Oxford United on loan from Sheffield United)


Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kyle Naughton (Swansea City)
Kyle Walker (Manchester City)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Scott Boden (Gateshead)
Seamus Conneely (Accrington Stanley)
Stephen Quinn (Burton Albion)


Season 6 Game 04 (24-27 August)


So named because of the weekend birthdays of Tom Hollander (51), Elvis Costello (64) and Shirley Manson (53).

Barney (live from London) was the only one to respond: “Dundee have no answer to… Watt” [Tony Watt]

Mallik Wilks at Doncaster Rovers, John Akinde at Lincoln City [who was 4 goals in 5 games til this week] and Macaulay Bonne at Leyton Orient were the latest victims… let’s just see if The Thing has come back from its’ holiday or not…Wilks – NO, Akinde – NO, and Bonne – NO. Safe to say ‘It’ is back…

No ‘eventuful debuts’ this week, though Aristote Nsiala scored his debut Ipswich Town goal…and then managed to get himself sent off later on in the game. Maybe that counts?

Probably best to leave this one blank, though Colchester United’s game at Northampton Town could possibly qualify. Colchester managed to keep a clean sheet in the first period but the half time chat worked wonders as they conceded two in the second half. It finished 1-2 but without the Colchester players getting on the scoresheet.

Difficult one at the moment with so many volatile managers either retired or “resting”. The wire-wool hair of (current) Southampton boss Mark Hughes was surely used on his players following their 2-1 home defeat to Leicester “we won the Premiership once” City. They won the Premiership once, you know.

To annoy Barney I was going to include former Posh favourite Craig Mackail-Smith, but instead the cake is awarded to Bromley’s on loan striker Junior Ogedi-Uzokwe for his brace against Havant and Waterlooville.

No-one called for Tony, hence the long face…

Firstly, a welcome back for our favourite player A Trialist….or is it. The BBC credit the goal to “1” (i.e. Trialist 1), and the Sporting Life says “Trialist”, but he has been unmasked on another as 22-year old Brad Spencer. Could this really be our hero’s alter ego?

Next, a word on Salford City’s goalscorer in their Saturday match at Havant and Waterlooville, Nathan Pond: “Having played in seven divisions for Fleetwood through the course of six promotions, Pond was recognised by Guinness as holding the world record for appearing in the most different divisions with a single football club”. Dedication, that’s what you need…

This from the match report from the FA Cup Preliminary Round match between Atherton Collieries and Colwyn Bay (final score 2-1, incidentally):-

The Kensite Stadium, Atherton

Attendance – Around 180?

Sweet revenge for the home side who had lost the same fixture, albeit in the league, 6 days previously by a 2-4 scoreline. The controversial incident of the first game was the sending off of the home keeper for alleged hand ball outside of the penalty area. The good news for the home side was that this decision was overturned on Friday after an FA review. The bad news for the home side was that in his disgust for wrongfully being sent off, the keeper punched a wall, broke a bone in his hand and has now been ruled out for around 6 weeks!

Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Chris O’Grady (Oldham Athletic)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Daryl Murphy (Nottingham Forest)
Jimmy Smith (Crawley Town)
Will De Havilland (Maidstone United)

Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers)
Danny Lloyd (Salford City)
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Coventry City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Lee Angol (Shrewsbury Town)
Lee Frecklington (Lincoln City)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)

Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)
Ricky Holmes (Oxford United on loan from Sheffield United)
Tony Watt (St Johnstone)

Theo Walcott (Everton)

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris O’Grady (Oldham Athletic)
Harry Maguire (Leicester City)
Joe Riley (Bradford City)



Season 6 Week 03 (17-20 August)

THE ‘Stairway to heaven with a friend…va va voom!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robert Plant (70), Matthew Perry (49) and Thierry Henry (41).

Barney: “[Kieran] Trippier send spurs Sky High”
Chris: “[Matty] Cash gives Wigan [Athletic] payback”
Howard: “Mohamed [Bettamer] scores for Braintree Town – the keeper feels a right burka”

Lawrence Shankland (Ayr United), Liam Boyce (Burton Albion) and Danny Rowe (AFC Fylde). All of them scored, and Shankland even risked a 2nd, but the Hand had other things on its’ mind as Barney’s  Mojo had  moved in next door…but had run out of Gold Blend coffee… 😉

Day Trip To Brighton – a blank. Something between £18.20 and £25 return from London, since you don’t ask. Any further afield and you will have to use a reconditioned tube carriage or Pacer train.

Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town). He’s the new Truck Turner. Possibly David Goodwillie is also his sidekick (as originally played by Yaphet Kotto).

Mohamed Bettamer (Braintree Town), the Libyan international, with a possible runner-up from Boris Melingui.

Back to the Black Country – West Bromwich Albion (“top six”)’s 7-1 mullah-ing of Queen’s Park Rangers (“not top six…more like bottom six”).

AFC Fylde 4-0 Dover Athletic. Approximately 663 driving miles and a 10 hour 52 minute round trip. Special mention to West Bromwich Albion 7-1 Queen’s Park Rangers.

Barney – called (ALLEGEDLY!!) West Bromwich Albion v Queen’s Park Rangers at 3-1 on 56 min – Finished: 7-1 [QPR immediately got 4 players out on loan]- GUB!
– called Millwall v Derby County at 2-0 on 17 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
– called Peterborough United v Luton Town at 2-0 on 21 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Another Half-time Churchill: Karl Robinson, alreadyb under pressure at Oxford United saw his team slump from a goalless first half, to 0-3 at home to Portsmouth.

A classic Unpleasant Local Derby – as Macclesfield Town took on Oldham Athletic. Apparently, Oldham is the Most Deprived Area in Britain. There’s a coveted title for you!

Bendtner – Jonathan Kodija (the £12m man) – his first in SIXTEEN GAMES!

Also – in the German Bundesliga, Cologne (Koln – sorry, can’t do the umlauts) thought they had grabbed the headlines, battering hapless BSC Dynamo 9-1 (a Wet Wyngarde on our Gub Scale). Unquestionably an impressive away win, BUT they had reckoned without Borussia Monchengladbach, who Lubbock-ed the home side BSC Hastedt 11-1. At 11-0 down, Turkish striker Diyar Kücük scored the ultimate consolation goal in the 88th minute, to give the home fans something to cheer (and ensure the team bus still had all four wheels).

Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Isaiah Osbourne (Walsall)
Stevie May (Aberdeen)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Jonathan Edwards (Halifax Town)
Luke James (Hartlepool United)

Tony Watt (St Johnstone) x2

[Luke Ayling (Leeds United)
Theo Walcott (Everton)

Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion) x2
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Martyn Woolford (Grimsby Town)

A narrow win for the Posh!

Season 6 Week 02 (10-13 August)


So named because of the weekend birthdays of well….whoever. If this was true to form it would be some hot actor-ess, a sports star and some American actor who only Barney has heard of.

None this time as this is just a results-only week.

And the results of the poll are in as to why there are no categories – Barney lost it won with 49%, The Dog Eat It – 37%, Network Rail Shredded It – 16% and Miscellaneous Skivey Excuses – 8%.

Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Barry Corr (Cambridge United)
Benik Afobe (Stoke City on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Will Buckley (Bolton Wanderers)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
Harry Toffolo (Lincoln City)
James Chester (Aston Villa)
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)

Ade Azeez (Cambridge United) x2
Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Jordan Cook (Grimsby Town)
Josh Magennis (Bolton Wanderers)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Tony Watt (St Johnstone)

Benik Afobe (Stoke City on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)

Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)

Looks like a surprise win for Charlton!