Season 6 Game 16 (16-19 November)

THE ‘DANCING BUTLER’s mean streets drag race’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jack Vettriano (68), Martin Scorsese (76) and RuPaul (58).


A results-only edition due to the total lack of archive information, plus the disappearance of Barney’s notes (if they ever did exist), which may have been used to line the dog’s basket. Not that she uses it…


Barney
‘s prize for leaving me with this exercise in technological archaeology is to suffer a Zinger I put in whilst typing this rubbish.

Howard: “[Ryan] Sinnamon sticks it to Stirling Albion” [at the time, Ryan’s goal made it 2-1]

Odds of finding anything in the archives regarding this week’s events were finally calculated to be 2001-1, just 1 more than the bet made last year via Paddy Power that Elvis would be found alive and well. (LINK to story)

Danny Mayor (Bury)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town) x2


Brad Inman (Rochdale)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)
Tyrone Barnett (Cheltenham Town on loan from Port Vale)

charlton02
Jack Munns (Dagenham and Redbridge)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town) x2
Simon Walton (Maidstone United)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Craig Beattie (Elgin City)
Jay O’Shea (Bury) x2
Simon Walton (Maidstone United)


IT’S A CHARLTON – BLADES DOUBLE!

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Season 6 Game 15 (9-12 November)

THE ‘gODZILLA AND THE EARL OF GRANTHAM – CAN YOU FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Godzilla director Roland Emmerich (63), Hugh Bonneville (55) and Sir Tim Rice (74).


Again, we’re missing the Zingers. So…you know what’s coming….!
Howard: “Steven Doris secured the victory for Arbroath. Was it Doris’s Day?”. Ah shaddap. You asked for it, you got it.


….decided to forget about harrassing potential goalscorers for once and tried his Hand on the whole categories instead…


Best I could get was Jordan Tillson of Exeter City.


Gateshead’s Jon Mellish completed this rare feat. Sadly for him, his goal at the right end was only a consolation.


Lewis Dunk was one of a number of Brighton & Hove Albion players arrested over a possible sexual assault. Fortunately for him (and them) he got off [LINK]…and then was found not guilty. I wonder how healthy the woman’s bank balance is.

Kenny Miller wasn’t quite so lucky. Found guilty of a ‘bar room rammy’, he accepted a deal (LINK) which generally means a fine and a slap on the wrist. What set him off? After a loss in the Old Firm derby, a man in posh bar/restaurant Da Luciano’s told Miller’s wife to “ask Kenny what the score was”. Well, I suppose it WAS 5-1…


Surely this was the Steel City Derby? A thrilling encounter, an advert for the Championship, a full-blooded Derby? This was of course none of those things…


Too stealthy for old Tony. Nothing here.


Friday evening’s special game was certainly one to forget. Six shots on target in the whole game – and if this constituted a goal, United would have won 5-1.

An all-too rare brace from the journeyman A Trialist (this time for Berwick Rangers), which is always worthy of a mention. The local Berwickshire paper named him tentatively as Lewis Barr, but that’s as unlikely as Bruce Wayne being Batman…

Chris Lines (Bristol Rovers)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Elgin City)
Roger Johnson (Bromley)
James Tavernier (Rangers)


Alex Pritchard (Huddersfield Town)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Coventry City)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Bradford City)

charlton02
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Roger Johnson (Bromley)

Arsenal
A blank!


Che Adams (Birmingham City) x3
CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Jon-Paul McGovern (Elgin City)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Ryan Leonard (Millwall)


A NARROW WIN FOR THE BLADES!

 

Season 6 Game 14 (2-5 November)

THE ‘heartbreaker supermodel’s hotlips’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kendall Jenner (23), Ryan “not Bryan” Adams (30), and Loretta Swit (80!)



Nothing was recorded at the time; you’re “lucky” to even be getting this much.

Still, as we’re here…

Howard: “Lukas has scored for Tottingham. Let’s hope they don’t score any Moura” [they did, sadly]


Alfredo Morelos at Rangers [scored!], Britt Assombalonga at Middlesbrough [didn’t play] and Karlan Ahearne-Grant at Charlton Athletic [scored] were venturing into battle with the unknown
this week, with hilarious results…


How about an old stand-by? Leicester City’s Demarai Gray’s away goal ensured this category got filled much to the annoyance of Neil Warnock. It was probably the referee’s fault.


It’s like Vienna and means nothing to me.


How about Chris Wood (founding member of Traffic or the big lump who plays for Burnley)?


While I was waiting for Barney to finish these things, old Charlie here was clean-shaven. Now look at him…alright, I admit it, there’s nothing here.


A little too stealthy this week. Nothing recorded.



Something of a debate here – was Seamus an old school name? I thought not. But Frankie Sutherland (Bromley) is and Harry Wilson (Derby County, on loan from Liverpool) definitely is.

Barney nominated the then-Owls boss Jos Luhukay for a Reverse Churchill [Chris nominated him to be pelted with rotten fruit…and worse]. Wednesday had managed to get to half-time goal-less, but sunk to a thumping 4-0 loss.

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland) x2


Aaron Williams (Harrogate Town)
Jack Marriott (Derby County)
James Chester (Aston Villa)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)

charlton02Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


James Hanson (AFC Wimbledon)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Michael Doyle (Coventry City)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)


SPOILS SHARED BY POSH AND THE BLADES!

Season 6 Game 13 (26-29 October)

THE ‘Fierce creatures like lauren brannan…D’OH!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of John Cleese (79), Jacquelina Jossa (26…whoever she is), and Dan Castalaneta (61) .


Barney: “Barrow really Fongucked that up” [that’s Wesley Fonguck, of course]
Either nothing else was said or Barney destroyed it. YOU decide…

Is celebrating the return of Mr Mojo and is hoping to take It to the rebooted Brief Encounter, which differs from the original in that Trevor Howard’s character is thrown under the wheels of the train [sorry, Chris]. This excitement did not prevent It from blanking Florian Kambieri at Hibernian and Luke Norris at Colchester United. Tom Pope [who has religious protection?] at Port Vale was the only defier.

Two fine contenders here – the first one being Darlington who were 2 nil up away to Leamington. The home team were then reduced to 10 men after half time, but still proceded to get a point after a fight-back netted them two goals.
Bradford City, however, didn’t need the man advantage to screw things up, as David Hopkins’ sage advice (he knows his onions too) saw a nil-nil half-time away at Gillingham turn to an England cricket-style collapse 4-0 [a good seeing-to]. This may shock you but Bradford are bottom of their league.

Another mention for Bradford City’s David Hopkin, but you’ve already heard about that one, so there is an alternative in Alan Ernest Devonshire, who saw his Maidenhead United charges Mullah-ed by the mighty AFC Fylde (that’s 6-0 in case you don’t want to look up the appropriate page).

Regan Charles-Cook will obviously never play Fives or The Wall Game with a name like Regan. However, he could be a 1970s detective…

Tranmere Rovers 5-1 Crawley Town. 511 road trip miles and a quick 10 hours 16 minutes, not counting the extra time for negotiating the M25, which could probably add an extra day to the total time.

Barney – called Leyton Orient v Havant and Waterlooville at 2-0 on 26 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Fleetwood Town v Blackpool at 2-0 on 14 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cheltenham Town v Stevenage at 2-0 on 43 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!

Southampton 0-0 Newcastle United. 3 shots on target all game, with none of those coming from the away team. There is nothing else to say about this. Really.


Some excellent names hit the scoresheet this week – Chippenham Town striker Nick McCootie, and the appropriately surnamed Nassim L’Ghoul.

Don’t Mean Nuthin’ – Plymouth Argyle’s Nile Canavan – 154 games 1 goal for Scunthorpe United, scores his 3rd of the season for his new club AGAINST Scunny. Also would qualify for And Stay Out!

97 year old Kevin Ellison scored for Morecambe. He’s not really 97 but could probably tell you about the war. And Spangles.

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Isaiah Osbourne (Walsall)
Ross Barkley (Chelsea)
Ross Wallace (Fleetwood Town)


Charlie Lee (Leyton Orient)
Liam Shephard (Forest Green Rovers)

charlton02
Aswad Thomas (Sutton United)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Regan Charles-Cook (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)

Arsenal
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)


Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Danny Philliskirk (AFC Fylde)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Gateshead)
Shaun Miller (Crewe Alexandra)


A NARROW VICTORY FOR THE BLADES!

Season 6 Game 12 (19-22 October)

THE ‘Here is the news, our survey says “Down down deeper and down”‘ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Angela Rippon (74), Les Dennis (75) and the anniversary of the birth of Rick Parfitt [ROCK!!!] in 1948 (he would have been 70) .


Due to inherent skiveyness on the part of young Barney, none of the usual categories apply. However, to fulfill the opening one how about “Adam’s goal was beyond the keeper’s Reach”. NO? Tough.

Who knows if it was a category or not (I DON’T!) but if it had been, it would be a veritiable carnival for the Known To The Authorities mob. For example, Mallik Wilks of Doncaster Rovers has this in his closet: (LINK) as does Mallik’s club-mate Paul Taylor Doncaster Rovers [ABH assaulted doorman] – (LINK)

And it gets worse – Declan Gallagher at Livingston – sentenced to 3 years for attack on his ex-girlfriend and partner in Jun 2015, but playing at Livingston while awaiting appeal.

And to add to the Convicts X1 we have Adam Hammill of St Mirren, a very nice man who attacked two paramedics – he was dragged out of a Liverpool club drunk – paid both £350 and got off with some skivey community service. The law indeed is an ass.

What’s that you say? Footballers have too much money and too much free time and this is a recipe for trouble? Noooooooooo. Just ask David Goodwillie of Clyde – two counts of Assault (separate occasions) – where a civil case judged him a rapist (LINK).

Or, try (and find guilty) Darryl McHardy of Elgin City – done for dangerous driving, which left a teammate in hospital. That’s team-building for you.

 

James Tavernier (Rangers) x2
Ross Barkley (Chelsea)


Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers)
Jack Marriott (Derby County)
Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Paul Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Tyrone Barnett (Cheltenham Town on loan from Port Vale)

charlton02
Barry Fuller (Gillingham)

Arsenal
Marc Bola (Blackpool)


Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Kyle McFadzean (Burton Albion) x2


MORE GLORY FOR THE POSH! (KARMA?)

Season 6 Game 11 (12-15 October)

THE ‘ONE CHANCE TO KNOCK OUT BORAT’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Paul Potts (48), David Haye (38) and Sacha Baron Cohen (47). Plus Lord Sir Roger Moore KCE BCE ACDC would have been 91 this week too *raises eyebrow*.


Barney: [Had one  but couldn’t be bothered to pass it on]
Chris: [Had one but Barney deleted it]
Howard: [Arlen] Birch has inflicted punishment on Maidstone [he scored 2 goals for AFC Fylde]

This week, the beast from the unknown faced Danny Rose at Mansfield Town, Luke Armstrong at Gateshead and Ollie Palmer at Crawley Town.. Only the latter dared to play and he didn’t trouble the scoresheet. Textbook.

As far as this category knows, only Barney (like Smarties) have the answer. It’s probably a No. The answer is wrapped around his dog’s sleeping basket. We don’t feel that interested to know the exact information on this occasion.

This category is emptier than a hermit’s address book.

The closest I could find under difficult circumstances was Reda Johnson who was arrested on charges of false imprisonment in January 2011, only for the charges to be dropped in April. If only he could have imprisoned the ball for a while, maybe the Owls would be in the Premiership!

No bitterness detected. Maybe Barney was down in that there London so noything showed up on the scanners?

If only Glenn had persued a career in the pop world rather than remain a one-hit wonder… Ah well. Our loss isn’t ITV’s gain.

Nothing here although there should be. Write to your local MP and get Barney impeached…

There is a possibility that Shola Ameobi may be the new Paul Robinson. Paul appears to have bored even himself off,hhhhhhhh and does not seem to have continued his disastrous career in broadcasting. Or he has been replaced in the name of diversity and inclusion? You decide…

The one nugget unearthed from the archives courtesy of Sir Tony Robinson and Phil Harding’s hat says: “truro 1-2 hemel hempstead 2. 8 minute Pagga results in 2 off for home team and for visitors.

And apparently, Armenia lost to Gibraltar (one-nil – “and that’s the way we like it”). Maybe this finished Barney off as there was no other news!

Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Vadaine Oliver (Morecambe)


Aaron Williams (Harrogate Town)
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Kelvin Langmead (Harrogate Town)
Kgosi Ntlhe (Rochdale)
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City)
Reuben Reid (Forest Green Rovers)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)

charlton02
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers)
James Hanson (AFC Wimbledon)
James Wilson (Lincoln City)
Jonathan Forte (Exeter City)


IT’S ANOTHER WIN FOR THE POSH!

Season 6 Game 10 (5-8 October)

THE ‘Two felicias? hells bells!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kate Winslet (43), Guy Pearce (50) and Brian Johnson (70) of AC/DC.

Further explanation reveals Kate played a Felicia in ‘Heavenly Creatures’, and Guy Pearce’s drag character in ‘Priscilla Queen of the Desert’ was similarly named. So now you know.


Barney: [unusually silent]
Chris: [following on from mine] It’s just a minor achivement though.
Howard: Justin’s goal was just-in [or Morris gets the Walsall fans dancing’]

Mohammed Belmokhtar at Clyde, Blair Turgott at Maidstone United (6 goals in 7 games previously) and Josh Maja at Sunderland. The young Maja unwisely defied the curse, but the others dutifully buckled under.

Nothing happened – it’s obviously too cold for any funny business!

The big lad himself, Adebayo Akinfenwa – just the 13 (unluicky for some) clubs at the grand old age of 36 (you can tell him to retire if you like, but we value life).

…or as we know him – 2 goals in 19 for Rosenborg. Or ‘Prisoner 143533’. No-one matched his achievements this week.

Barney – called Watford v Bournemouth at 0-3 on 45 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Peterborough United v Barnsley at 0-3 on 85 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Chris
– allegedly called Hibernian v Hamilton Academical at 3-0 on [an unspecified time] min – BUT Barney has text message evidence to prove he actually called Doncaster Rovers at 45min and 0-3, and this finished at Donny 0-4 Fleetwood Town) – so – FAILED!

Eric Dier is banned for er….contractual reasons. The man in the pub who turned round when we said ‘Is Eric old school’ confirmed Eric as an old school name, however, and Barney reckons he was ‘probably also married to someone called Rita’. In the real world, Oliver Norburn at Shrewsbury Town got the nod.

Luton Town v Scunthorpe United. Quite how the away team will cope with their controversial plastic pitch is another story…

Nothing. Really.

David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Ross Barkley (Chelsea)
Vadaine Oliver (Morecambe)


Aaron Williams (Harrogate Town)
Adil Nabi (Dundee)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United) x2
George Moncur (Barnsley) – counting double against his old club
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Jack Baldwin (Sunderland)
Jack Marriott (Derby County)

charlton02
Aswad Thomas (Sutton United)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Marvin Sordell (Burton Albion)

Arsenal
Alexis Sanchez (Manchester United)
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)


Andrew Davies (Hartlepool United) x2
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
John-Joe O’Toole (Northampton Town)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Matt Kilgallon (Hamilton Academical) o.g.
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)


LOOKS LIKE A POSH-BLADES STALEMATE!

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Season 6 Game 09 (28 September – 1 October)

THE ‘GREAT BALLS OF FIRE, THE BOY IN DA CORNER IS ON A CRASH DIET’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jerry Lee Lewis (83), Dizzee Rascal (34), and Gillian McKeith (52).


Barney: [Josh] Hare scores for Eastleigh – he’ll be rabbiting about that.
Chris: [Jake] Cooper barrels through the Blades defence
Howard: Did Cooper score ‘Just like that’ [continuing the theme]

On form this week (maybe it got lucky Friday  night) – Mickel Miller at Hamilton Academicals, Liam Noble at Hartlepool United, and the not ex-Arsenal man Morgan Ferrier at Walsall, all failed to trouble the scorer, despite all 3 having scored in their last 3 games beforehand…

Afraid there was nothing to see here, now move along son…

Courtney Baker-Richardson (Swansea City, making his debut). Also allegedly available to carry out legal advice (“where there’s a claim, there’s a blame”).

Everton (who were 7th) v Fulham (19th). Everton ‘prevailed’ (as old beardy would have confidently predicted) 3-0.

Swansea v Queen’s Park Rangers (3-0). 368 long driving miles or 7 hours and 25 minutes, but this involves the M25 so you could probably double it.

Barney – called Dumbarton v Raith Rovers at 2-0 on 12 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Huddersfield Town v Tottenham Hotspur at 0-2 on 35 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED (But it’s also kind of a win!)
Chris
– called Dundee United v Ross County at 1-4 on 51 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!

Reggie Lambe (aka Reginald Everard Vibart Thompson Lambe) of Newport County, where he scored twice.

David McGoldrick (Sheffield United) x2


Aaron Williams (Harrogate Town)
Andrew Hughes (Preston North End)
Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Craig Alcock (Cheltenham Town) o.g.
Craig Mackail-Smith (Wycombe Wanderers)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Coventry City)
Lee Angol (Shrewsbury Town)

charlton02
Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Josh Staunton (Halifax Town)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Scott Wagstaff (AFC Wimbledon)

Arsenal
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)


CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Craig Alcock (Cheltenham Town) o.g.
Danny Philliskirk (AFC Fylde)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Harry Maguire (Leicester City)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Sam Vokes (Burnley)


LOOKS LIKE A WIN FOR BARNEY & THE POSH!

[Please help pay with the server costs, I am so cold and hungry]