THE ‘Neil in Acorn Antiques, A Quiet Place’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Nigel Planer (66? Myyyy…!), Julie Walters (68) and Emily Blunt (39).

Barney: ‘Grimsby Town down to 10 – Ohman’ (local boy Ludwig Ohman gets a red for the Mariners)
Chris: [no comment – probably deleted]
Howard: ‘Zoiks! Freddie (Ladapo) scored for Plymouth Argyle!’

Is elsewhere’ at present but has indicated, though an emissary, (who some thought looked rather like Mike Pence) that Lincoln City’s Bruno Andrade, Forest Green Rovers’ Christian Doidge and Swindon Town’s Michael Doughty could be heading for a swathe of ill fortune. The prediction was correct for Doidge and Doughty, but once again, a player defied the dark side and scored twice in the shape of the Portuguese Andrade. Maybe the curse was lost in translation.

Jamie’s Bain (see elsewhere in this edition) was a possible contender, but Arbroath’s Bobby Linn is perhaps a step too far. Still, who’d have thought Scotland was a hotbed of the intergender?
I’d also suggest a quartet of Ashleys (Barnes, Fletcher, Nadesan and Smith-Brown) but there’s really nothing too definite here.

Bradford City’s travails continue unabated as they cycle through managers towards an increasingly likely relegation. They were given a solid chance to win – an away game too – against Walsall, who sportingly had their main goal threat, Andy Cook red-carded on 6 minutes to make a game of it. Regrettably, the Bantams went in at half-time 1-1 and David Hopkin’s stirring words saw them to a 3-2 loss against a team who played 87 minutes with 10 men. Hopkin’s subsequent resignation within 48 hours seemed inevitable given the circumstances.

(They still beat Posh though…)

AFC Wimbledon v Charlton Athletic made the grade but the winner has to be Bury v Oldham Athletic, though in all honesty it could be Bury v Babylon (Athletic?) and still get in this category. In a moment of supreme cheekiness, Barney put Spurs v Arsenal on here too. Well, Spurs are certainly unpleasant, but I don’t think this counts.

Barney – called Annan Athletic v Albion Rovers, called at 3-0 on 24 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard – called Raith Rovers v Montrose called at 4-1 on 76 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris – had nothing recorded, so – FAILED!

Freddie Ladapo at Plymouth Argyle or Jamie Bain at Forfar Athletic. This is clearly a scourge in both north and south of this sceptred isle.

Rotherham United v Blackburn Rovers. Because it’s Rotherham. Versus Blackburn.

It’s an oldie but definitely worth a repeat. Peterhead goalscorer Rory McAllister (who has a proper job as a plumber with Dundee firm Pitkerro) says he cannot afford to go full-time as a footballer. “There’s no way at my age [then: 31] I’d take a wage cut”, he said in the Scottish Sun (last July).

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Caolan Lavery (Bury on loan from Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town on loan from Hull City)

Andrew Hughes (Preston North End)

Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Regan Charles-Cook (Gillingham)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Che Adams (Birmingham City) x2
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Marc McNulty (Hibernian on loan from Reading) x2
Matt Done (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)

A SURPRISE WIN FOR THE OWLS!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DONATE SPARE CHANGE USING THE ABOVE BUTTON

February 22, 2019April 6, 2019

Season 6 Points Update

Longer than the wait for a new Mazzy Star album, here is a results update from the Belgian Jury…er….the Head in Hands League:

1st	Peterborough United	12.5
2nd	Sheffield United	8.5
3rd	Charlton Athletic	5
4th	Sheffield Wednesday	4
5th	Arsenal	0

That meant Barney is “winning”. Here he is in celebratory mood:

February 22, 2019April 4, 2019

THE ‘Dot Cotton Rides the Tardis to the Chequered Flag’ CHECK TEXTS. HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of June Brown (92), Christopher Eccleston (55) and Valentino Rossi (40).

Barney: Albion Rovers didn’t budget for Clyde’s Lamont scoring’ {Mark Lamont}
Chris: ‘C.B.A., as I think I’m at work’
Howard: ‘Doe scores for Dover, which may cost Salford deer’ {Scott Doe}

Has disappeared from this mortal plane and is believed to be ‘downstairs’. But a recent missive through an intermediary (strongly resembling Jacob Rees-Mogg) made it clear that Ruben Lameiras at Plymouth Argyle, Marko Arnautovic at West Ham United anNicke Kabamba at Hartlepool United (aka ‘Wiggy Central’) were to be the recipients of a most unwelcome present in the shape of its ire. Whilst this malady was plenty enough to deal with Lameiras and Arnautovic, you’re dealing with one who is blessed by the Mighty Stelling in Kabamba, and this divine shield saw the Monkeyhangers striker score twice.

Or should that be, Make Ya Daddy Happy, as Cowddenbeath’s Luc Bollan collected a second bookable for the Blue Brazil, managed by his old man, Gary. Honourable mention to Fernando Forestieri, who picked up a yellow for overdoing the celebrations after “yon Owls”* laaaaaaaatttttte leveller versus Rotherham United, the striker then doubled up, receiving a second yellow less than 90 seconds later for high-fiving Owls fans…
*translation “Steve Bruce’s Sheffield Wednesday”

And it’s a blank here too, with no player scoring at both ends.

Disappointingly no rumbles on the pitch were deemed worthy of multiple red cards by the officials.

Gary Madine scored twice for the Blades in their 4-0 win over Reading. And it’s fair to say there’s been a few altercations with ‘the beak’. Here’s one [LINK] and another [LINK]…the old one-two, something he’s all too familiar with…

Scott Wilson’s goals are probably going to be the attribute which keeps Macclesfield Town* up but should the Moss Rose outfit return to the National League, he has the benefit of being the bassist in quite good (caveat here, this is Barney’s ‘quite good’) Colorado-based grunge outfit Tantric and not-so-good Southern Rock band Saving Abel.
Elvis Costello’s alter ego, Ross County’s Declan McManus also scored, but we had him on last time.
*Currently known as “Sol Campbell’s Macclesfield Town”

Barney – called Bolton Wanderers v Norwich City, called at 0-2 on 22 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard – called Boreham Wood v Hartlepool United, called at 0-3 on 56 min – Finished: 0-4- FAILED!
Chris – called Sheffield United v Reading, called at 2-0 on 24min (the curse didn’t quite work this time) – Finished: 4-0- FAILED!

D U C K E N S N A Z O N SCORED!!!!!!!!!!!!
(for St Mirren, on loan from Sint-Truiden of Belgium).

Apart from Worthing 9-1 Harlow Town in the Ryman League, there was no other news.

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Gary Madine (Sheffield United on loan from Cardiff City) x2
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town on loan from Hull City)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Notts County on loan from Wycombe Wanderers)
George Moncur (Luton Town)
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)

Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Luke Daniels (Brentford) o.g.

(C)Ashley Cole (Derby County) – Just as we thought we’d seen the back of him, too…

Marc McNulty (Hibernian on loan from Reading)
Stefan Scougall (Carlisle United)

AS BARNEY PREDICTED, A NARROW WIN FOR THE POSH!

February 22, 2019March 30, 2019

THE Ashes to Ashes is Kick Ass HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Keeley Hawes (43), Philip Glenister (56) and Chloe Grace Moretz (22).

[Due to a lack of archived notes, any recorded zingers are now lost to posterity, so you know the drill/punishment: one made up on the spot]:
Howard: “Pukki’s goals make Ipswich Town feel sick” {Teemu Pukki, scorer of 2 out of 3 goals as Norwich City beat their deadly local rivals Ipswich 3-0}

Aaaannddd it’s highly likely that Jorge Grant at Mansfield Town (previously 4 goals in 3 games), Oliver Shaw at Hibernian, and Rory ‘the plumber’ McAllister at Peterhead have written their wills just in case….

…in all cases it’s a NO. All three lost the location of the opponents’ goal. Be afraid.

Well, we could have had Norwegian Kristoffer Syvertsen of Clyde, but Oldham Athletic seem have made this category their own this week:
Johan Branger (comedy name) representing Gabon and Gevaro Nepomuceno (clearly an anagram) of Curacao.

Best I could find was Ashley Barnes of Burnley, who scored the last of their 3 goals at his former club Brighton and Hove Albion. He celebrated too.

I thought we’d have to resort to having Man Yoo’s result at hapless Fulham (3-0), but fortunately there was Heart of Midlothian’s encounter in the Scottish FA Cup with non-league Auchinleck Talbot (4-0).

It’s not clear how many of the 765 attendees of Braintree Town v Salford City came from the northern home of the BBC, but we can be sure that it would’ve been 424 miles of pure driving hell for any hardy away fan.

Barney – [whatever it was, was secreted in Barney’s notes and as he’s not answering his hails, it will have to be forever a mystery] – FAILED!
Howard – [see above] – FAILED!
Chris – called Aston Villa v Sheffield United out of spite, at 0-3 on 80 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED! (But this was fine, apparently!)

Peterhead 0–0 Edinburgh City. Just the one shot on target in the whole game for the 728 people there to get all excited about. Incidentally, since we’re a bit behind with the HiH, they’ve had time to play the reverse fixture. Score? Nil-nil.

As it wasn’t on the list this week, we managed to get a Pagga! par-excellence at the Ebbsfleet United v Solihull Moors game, when in stoppage time,4 players got sent off following a 22-men brawl. The final score was 2-2 (in red cards) and 0-1 in the actual business.

Result of the week goes to Benfica, who managed to ‘Lubbock‘ CD Nacional 10-0. Considering it was “only” 3-0 at half-time, this almost qualifies for a Reverse Churchill. Imagine the team talk in the break “Come on lads, the game’s gone, we’re playing for pride now….” Or not.

Danny Mayor (Bury)
Steven MacLean (Heart of Midlothian)

Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
George Moncur (Luton Town) x2
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Kieran Sadlier (Doncaster Rovers)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town) x2

Danny Hollands (Eastleigh)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Jordan Cousins (Queen’s Park Rangers)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County) x2
Scott Sinclair (Celtic) x3

Another blank. Hurrah!

Che Adams (Birmingham City) x3
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Clayton Donaldson (Bolton Wanderers)
Danny Philliskirk (AFC Fylde) o.g.
Jay O’Shea (Bury) x2
Marc McNulty (Hibernian on loan from Reading)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)

IT’S A WINNING RESULT FOR THE BLADES!

February 2, 2019March 26, 2019

THE ‘Whatever, Whenever, Home and Away, it’s Pitch Perfect’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Shakira (42), Isla Fisher (43), and Rebel Wilson (33).

Barney: “Dumbarton’s {Craig} Barr – made in Scotland from girders”
Howard: “…but did he ‘pop’ it in?”
[Chris was unavailable for comment]

Elliot Lee at Luton Town (DIDN’T PLAY), Scott Boden at Gateshead (DIDN’T PLAY) and Stirling Albion’s Peter MacDonald (GUESS WHAT….DIDN’T PLAY) were sharpening their silver for a fight of their lives...
None of the above played! Dare you doubt THE POWER!?

Jordan Jones of Kilmarnock or Alex Revell Stevenage, with possibles Nicky Maynard of Bury and Nicky Law of Exeter City.

Nothing listed. Maybe now you can use your Debit Card, these things will die out…

Had West Bromwich Albion won their game with Tony Pulis’ Middlesbrough, this would have been sorted. Sadly, this category remains blank.

Barney – called Chelsea v Huddersfield Town at 2-0 on 42 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
Howard – called Exeter City v Milton Keynes Dons at 2-0 on 16 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris – called Barnsley v Scunthorpe United at 2-0 on 41 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!

According to the Oracle (that’s Barney, not the alternative to Ceefax on the Devil’s Channel) – Sunderland v AFC Wimbledon. The home team won 1-0 if you’re remotely interested.

Eden Hazard, one of the goal scorers in the gubbing of Huddersfield Town, shilling it for dodgy multinational sportswear manufacturer (and definitely NOT ‘sweatshop operator’…) Nike – (LINK). To be fair, he’s not in it long and there are many others there who should have known better (but they didnt score this week!) See also this report from the Clean Clothes Campaign (LINK) although it’s a little short on humour…

Had it been a Category, we could have had “Make Ya Ma Proud” featuring Tony Pulis’ Middlesbrough on his return to West Bromwich Albion. From 2-1, the Boro (no doubt with Pulis putting the fear of God into them at half time) turned this around to a 2-3 win.

A Trialist played in Defence for Albion Rovers. Sadly, not even he/she/it could not prevent a 3-1 loss away to Edinburgh City.

It’s not a Category, maybe as it’s similar to the Zingers, but the cliche-watch aka “Spirit of Pringle” reported this: ‘Billy Sharp was 33 on Wednesday, like a fine wine, he gets better with age’. Thanks, Manish…

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
James Tavernier (Rangers) x2
Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough) x2
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Omar Bogle (Portsmouth on loan from Cardiff City)

Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Jordan Cook (Grimsby Town) x2
Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)

Another blank! Yay!

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Ethan Ebanks-Landell (Rochdale on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Nicky Law (Exeter City) x2

A SURPRISE WIN FOR “STEVE BRUCE’S OWLS”!

February 2, 2019March 24, 2019

THE ‘Fallin’ from the Dugout, having lost the playerS’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Alicia Keys (39), Brendan Rodgers (46), Jose Mourinho (56).

Barney: “Wells strikes oil for QPR” [Nahki Wells of Queen’s Park Rangers]
Chris: “Hawkes is ‘the one and only’ for Hartlepool” [Josh Hawkes of Hartlepool United]
Howard: [on Nahki Wells’ goal] “…but Portsmouth get Nahki”

A few good ones here – Coventry City v Blackpool. Nil nil at the break, but the Seasiders slipped to a two-nil loss. Better were two games that had teams end the first half with a 2-0 lead only to see it slip – step forward Macclesfield Town (who were away to Accrington Stanley….who are they?!…and lost 3-2) and Elgin City (who nearly lost to Edinburgh City. Only a 90th minute equaliser from the home team prevented an embarrassing collapse. It ended 3-3). And resign!

Barney’ s picked out Jordan Maguire-Drew of Leyton Orient and Aaron Doran Cogan of Inverness Caledonian Thistle (but Wikipedia lists him as being known professionally as Aaron Doran, so he’ll have to be a “maybe”). Also, there was the much-talked about Callum Hudson-Odoi of Chelsea.

Wes Thomas of Grimsby Town (17 clubs at age 32), John Akinde of Lincoln City (14 clubs at 29) and Stephen Dobbie of Queen of the South (12 at 36), Andros Townsend (12 clubs, but 9 years younger than Dobbie).

Just as it was looking empty here, along came Declan McManus of Ross County (aka Elvis Costello). He’s happy at Ross County and does not want to go to Chelsea. Sorry.
Barney also noted a Chris Robertson, who research reveals is in a band called Black Stone Cherry, but they probably sound horrible, and, more importantly, didn’t score, just get a red card (2 yellows in 36 minutes!).

Barney – called Swansea City v Gillingham at 2-0 on 31 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Howard – called Manchester City v Burnley at 2-0 on 52 min – Finished: 5-0 – GUBBED!
Chris – called Queen’s Park v Berwick Rangers at 3-0 on 30 min – Finished: 7 (S E V E N)-1 – GUBBED! [Mullahed, actually]

Barney’s noted Crewe Alexandra’s Charlie Kirk, but I’m not sure about this one, and also YOU’RE NOT A KID ANYMORE!
But… there’s always time for footballers called Bernard. Well done Mr Mensah of Aldershot Town.

Bit thin on the ground, this week’s Misc. Still, let’s make it Semi Ajayi week, since his goal (and finding out he also counted for Charlton) means my Gunners keep their season-long clean sheet. Did you know his full name is Oluwasemilogo Adesewo Ibidapo Ajayi? Try getting that on a shirt.

Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Eddie Nolan (Crewe Alexandra)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers)

Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Liam Shephard (Forest Green Rovers)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet) x2

Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic)
Scott Wagstaff (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Alexis Sanchez (Manchester United)- this goal from the little weasel counts double
Josh Rees (Gillingham)
Lucas Perez (West Ham United)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers) x2
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Scott Boden (Gateshead)

ANY OF US COULD HAVE WON, BUT CHARLTON NICKED IT BY 1!

SPARE SOME CHANGE GUV (ABOVE!)

February 2, 2019March 20, 2019

THE ‘ORDER ORDER FOR JOLENE’S AMERICAN boy’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of John Bercow (56), Dolly Parton (73) and the mononymous (or Anonymous?) Estelle (39).

Barney: “Fabian scores against the run of play – ‘Schar’-sh judging?” [Newcastle United striker Fabian Schar] and “[Pascal] Gross adds weight to Brighton’s comeback”
Chris: “Just assume I did a world-class Zinger but it got deleted”
Howard: “Maynard puts Bury ahead. That’ll please The Gaffer!” [more Bill Maynard punnery, this is Nicky, of course]

Hull City’s Jarrod Bowen, Forfar Athletic’s John Baird and Gillingham’s Elliott List (who had scored 2 in 2 prevously) face off against the decayed one.
And the result, in order – Yes (but he got booked for his impudence), No and No.

Nothing listed in Barney’s Holy Grail.

Blair Henderson of Edinburgh City (is it legal up there?…up there in Scotland, I mean!). Unfortunately for Mr Henderson, his goal at the wrong end was the decisive one, giving Annan Athletic a 2-1 away win.

Barney noted Jamille Matt (Plymouth Argyle – Blackpool – Grimsby Town – Newport County), but subsequent searches also discovered Brian Graham (Hibernian to Cheltenham Town to Ross County) and Nicky Maynard (Milton Keynes Dons to Aberdeen to Bury).

Featuring this week, two model citizens, Adam Hammill and Ricky Miller.

Hammill of Scunthorpe United – attacked two paramedics after being dragged out of a Liverpool club, drunk – the feeble punishment handed out was paying both paramedics £350 and some community service. That’ll mend his ways alright.

Miller, now of Port Vale – was charged with not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE offences after an end of season party in 2015 (a bit like a Network Rail Do, I hear!) – [LINK]. Somehow aquitted, he later repeated the same trick in 2017, was charged with assault on a policeman after crashing his car, and again got off the assault charge [who is his lawyer – Perry Mason?!]. He later changed his plea to admit to not providing a sample for analysis, and was banned from driving for 42 months and fined just £300 (how many minutes wages? 5?) – [LINK] He qualifies for this category through his TWO earlier convictions for drink driving in 2006 and 2009 (and yet was still driving drunk in 2015…and 2017…and…?).

Two examples from the Scottish Cup. Montrose [of League One] 0-4 Dundee United [Championship], or Inverness Caledonian Thistle [Championship] 4-0 East Kilbride [Lowland League]

Barney – called Derby County v Reading at 2-0 on 37 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Howard – called Gillingham v Walsall at 0-3 on 49 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
Chris – called Luton Town v Peterborough United at 2-0 on 39 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

As it wasn’t listed on the week’s cateogries, we got a rare Pagga in Charlton Athletic’s game with Accrington Stanley. The score was 1 each in red cards, but Charlton won the football 1-0.

Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)

Danny Lloyd (Salford City)
Harry Toffolo (Lincoln City)
James Chester (Aston Villa)
Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Jon Taylor (Rotherham United)
Junior Morias (Northampton Town)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town)
Nicky Ajose (Mansfield Town on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Ricky Miller (Port Vale)
Ryan Bennett (Wolverhampton Wanderers)

Ezri Konsa (Brentford) o.g.
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Scott Sinclair (Celtic) x2
Tony Watt (St Johnstone)

A rare blank!

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Conor Coady (Wolverhampton Wanderers) o.g.
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
John Brayford (Burton Albion) x2
Lloyd Kerry (Harrogate Town)
Scott Boden (Gateshead)

ANOTHER WIN FOR THE POSH!

TIPS BUTTON ABOVE. CLICK IT NOWWWWW!

February 2, 2019March 16, 2019

THE ‘Lott of $$$ on the clock’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Victoria ‘Pixie’ Lott (27), Jeff Bezos (55) and Rachel Riley (34).

Barney: Lewis Wing [of Middlesbrough] wasn’t chicken.
Chris: Maguire scores for Queen of the South – Ross County ‘Just Say No’. [not Zammo, but Barry]
Howard: Walsall aren’t having ‘Funso’ far after Ojo’s goal for Scunny.

This week’s sacrifices (apart from those who annoy Sean Dyche) were Sammie Szmodics at Colchester United, Billy Sharp at Sheffield United, and Sutherland at Elgin City…

Cardiff City boss Neil Warnock was said to be “disappointed” by the result at home to fellow Premiership strugglers Huddersfield Town. I bet he was….crack

Another difficult one to find, but I think the Yorkshire derby between Barnsley and Bradford City fits the bill. Barnsley won 3-0, but at least Bradford fans got some decent pies.

Here’s one – Exeter City v Morecambe. Approx 5 and a half to 6 hours each way on the rails, or a 578 mile road trip (in total). Was it worth it for a bore draw?

Barney – called Queen’s Park v Edinburgh City at 0-2 at some time between 7 and 16 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
Howard – called Stenhousemuir v Arbroath at 1-4 on 60 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!
Chris – called Elgin City v Cowdenbeath at 0-3 on 47 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

It didn’t seem to be the case this week, and Barney’s Notes Of Doom are also blank, so there you go. That’s the last time that we get Imre Varadi to draw the balls…

Last on Match of the Day this saturday was Cardiff City’s “clash” with Huddersfield Town. 17 shots in total sounds respectable enough, but only 2 on target for the whole game? And both for the away team? Given who’s in charge at Cardiff, it was probably the referee’s fault.

Craig Cathcart managed an all-too-rare ‘Brighton’ in Watford’s 2-1 away win, making amends for his earlier mishap by getting the Hornets’ equalising goal. Sadly, it was’t a category this week…

Everton’s first goalscorer, Kurt Zouma’s middle name is Happy. They won, so I guess all of his team mates were happy too. Yes, it really has been that sort of a week.

Benik Afobe (Stoke City)
Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Danny Mayor (Bury)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Will Buckley (Bolton Wanderers)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town on loan from Hull City)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Junior Morias (Northampton Town)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town) x2
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

Harry Pell (Colchester United) x2
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)

Benik Afobe (Stoke City)
Josh Rees (Gillingham)

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Conor Coady (Wolverhampton Wanderers) o.g.
Dominic Poleon (Crawley Town)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Jay O’Shea (Bury)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)

A HALF POINT EACH FOR THE RED AND BLUE SIDES OF SHEFFIELD!

SPARE SOME CHANGE GUV?

February 2, 2019March 12, 2019

Season 6 Game 25 (4-7 January 2019)

THE ‘a star is born on blue monday to big chris’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bradley Cooper (44), Barney Sumner (63!) and Vinny Jones (55).

Barney: Maynard fits the Bill for Bury
[sadly, Nicky, and not The Gaffer himself]
Chris: [Nothing recorded]
Howard: Let’s be ‘Frank’, Annan’s Muir makes it safe [Tommy Muir]

The Dread Hand was this week vs. Benik Afobe at Stoke City, Jerry Yates at Carlisle United and Jay O’Shea at Bury.

ALL BLANKED! Be afraid…

There was a confrontation between the two sides in the Mansfield Town v Carlisle United game, but as only one side got a red card, I don’t think it really counts. Aside from this, nothing.

Quite a few this week – it’s like the United Nations (huh huh huh) – Jonah Ayunga of Sutton United (Kenya), Angelo Balanta of Dagenham & Redbridge (Colombia), Justin Shaibu of Boreham Wood (Justin Kwabena Shaibu, in fact, of Denmark. Naturally), and Remy Clerima of Maidenhead United (France)

Nothing found, but it’s always a difficult one to get.

Barney – called Everton v Lincoln City at 2-0 on 14 min – Finished: 2-1 [Do we call these when there is such a gap – like when Rangers were down in League 2??] – FAILED!
Howard – called Raith Rovers v Stenhousemuir at 4-1 on 40 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
Chris – called Stranraer v Montrose at 0-2 on 17 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!

Right children, roll call:
Sammie Szmodics (Colchester United)-HERE!
Nicky Maynard (Bury)-HERE!
Ollie Palmer (Crawley Town)-HERE!
Tommy Muir (Annan Athletic)-HERE!

It always feels like this is going to be a tricky one to find, but so many Premiership stars seem to think that their exorbitant salaries aren’t enough. Step forward England captain, the untouchable Harry Kane, shilling it awkwardly for Samsung/Fortnite: (LINK)

Barney nominated the soon-to-be ex-Posh manager Steve Evans for half time churchill, overseeing a creditable 0-0 half-time draw in their FA Cup match away to Middlesbrough, which after some stirring (as in tea?) words, turned into a 5-0 gubbing. “Resign” was the only one of Barney’s printable comments.

Andy Carroll scored his first since April, in West Ham United’s 2-0 cup win over the mighty Birmingham City. Mind you, it was only his 8th appearance of the season. I blame his interior decor choices, which must be affecting his health (for those with short memories/taste, see this LINK for a reminder)

Daniel Jones (Notts County)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United) x2
Mark Beevers (Bolton Wanderers) o.g.

Andrew Hughes (Preston North End)
Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough) x2
Carl Piergianni (Salford City) x2
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Jack Marriott (Derby County)
Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)

Ademola Lookman (Everton)
Josh Magennis (Bolton Wanderers) x3
Harry Pell (Colchester United)

Anthony Jeffrey (Dover Athletic on loan from Sutton United)
Jon Toral (Hull City)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United) o.g.

Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Clayton Donaldson (Bolton Wanderers)
Jon Stead (Notts County)
Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)

A MASSIVE WIN FOR THE POSH!

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