THE ‘Read All About It, Stacey Dooley investigates Catherine TrammelL’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Emeli Sandé (34), Stacey Dooley (32), Sharon Stone (60!!!)

Barney: “Check-Meite for Wigan” [Reading’s Yakou Meite scored late to nick a 3-2 win over Wigan Athletic]
Chris: [Deleted]
Howard: “It’s a ‘meite’ win for Reading”, “Southampton have called on [Yan] Valery” or “Did [Mo] Barrow ‘wheel’ away when he scored?”

It was Connor Wilkinson at Dagenham & Redbridge, Said Benrahma at Brentford and Dom Thomas at Dumbarton lining up against Hecate’s mob…

….Connor lived to fight another day, as he dutifully became allergic to that funny white thing that they were kicking around on the field. However, Benrahma sinned -just the once- and will face retribution, but that was nothing compared to the fate in store for Thomas, who had the sheer affrontery to score a brace. He will be lucky to come out of all this with both legs…

I thought we might struggle here – South African Kgosi Nthele (of Brian Barry-Murphy’s Rochdale) seemed the most obscure, but this was trumped by Colombian Angelo Balanta (Dagenham & Redbridge), which in turn was trumped by Guadeloupe’s very own Dimitri Cavare (Barnsley. Yes, Barnsley).

It’s something that only lasted half the game, so I’m not sure if it counts, but there was a notable incident in the Everton v Newcastle United game.

“England’s Jordan Pickford” (to give him his full title) should’ve got red for what was basically a rugby tackle on Salomon Rondon. Instead, he gets a yellow card, saves the resulting penalty, and Everton score 60 seconds later. Rafael Benitez was almost certainly winning this category after 45 minutes.

Rather like an episode of The Voice, there was nothing musical here.

Barney – called errr…I dunno…”in sick”? – FAILED!
Howard – called Nottingham Forest v Hull City at 3-0 on 82 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – [was probably too busy making ‘Scooby Doo’ noises after hearing former Owl Brian Barry-Murphy had taken over at Rochdale] – FAILED!

Billy and Frank sound like two old codgers from the local Working Mens Club (if there are still any left – ours has been knocked down to make way for *shudder* “luxury flats”). For our purposes though, Messrs Waters and Nouble both helped their respective clubs to victory (Cheltenham Town, 4-1 v Notts County, and Colchester United, 3-0 v Newport County, for the record).

Not many about this time, but I think this looks likely: Queen’s Park Rangers v Stoke City (already looked like a winner on paper) – 4 shots on target in the whole game. Who’d’ve thought it, a dull Stoke game…?

Typically, as it wasn’t a category, we had a Triple Pagga at the very end of the Sunderlan v Wycombe Wanderers game. Two for Wycombe and one for Sunderland. Feisty game.

It is also getting to be the season for canal boat holidays, and maybe forthcoming weeks may finally feature the part-time category The Travel Pages. We had a few good examples such as Braintree Town (now 14 points from safety – and lost 0-4 at home to Harrogate in what would also fit into the Darwinism Incarnate category). Plus Huddersfield Town joined them on the Pages, with Cardiff City winning (16 points from safety, as it turned out).

And another Category That Never Was – Marco Silva gets the Reverse Churchill, in his side’s previously mentioned game with Newcastle United. From a 2-goal lead, Silva’s stirring words blossomed into an…er… 3-2 defeat. Oops.

Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
Jacob Butterfield (Bradford City on loan from Derby County)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)

Jevani Brown (Cambridge United)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kgosi Ntlhe (Rochdale)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Nicky Ajose (Mansfield Town on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Ricky Miller (Port Vale) x2
Tyrone Barnett (Cheltenham Town)

Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Johann Berg Gudmundsson (Burnley)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Michael Turner (Southend United)

Another blank. Well done lads.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)

CLEARLY A WIN FOR THE POSH!

SPARE SOME CHANGE GUV!