Season 6 Game 36 (22-25 Mar)

THE ‘I Feel For The Help’s Beetlebum’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chaka Khan (66), Jessica Chastain (43?!) and Damon Albarn (51).

Barney: “Rendell Ruthlessly converts penalty?” [Scott, for Aldershot Town] or “Howe have Barrow let a two goal lead slip?” [Callum Howe]
Chris: “Barrow not as magic as Harry’s obviously.”
Howard: “Ainley’s goal was a ‘Master’ class” [Crewe Alexandra’s Callum AINLEY.]

This week with Tom Eaves at Gillingham, Alfie Pavey at Dover Athletic, and Christian Doidge at Forest Green Rovers being the unlucky troika…

…I think Barney was terrorising London at this point, so must have took the Dread Hand with him. This is the explanation why Eaves managed to sneak a goal in. Pavey didn’t play and Doidge forgot where the net was located.

Not a huge amount on this week due to the international matches but I checked through every game and I think only found one red card in one game!

Accrington Stanley, away at Burton Albion were 2-1 up at the break. Either it was John Coleman’s team talk or the Burton beer fumes, but Stanley crashed to a 5-2 defeat. Textbook.

Struggling a bit here, but Maidstone United to Ebbsfleet United are only around 18 miles apart, and from what I remember of Maidstone, it certainly was unpleasant enough to qualify.

I thought we might have to settle for Mansfield Town’s Krystian Pearce, but fortunately Kaiyne Woolery of Swindon Town and Kodi Lyons-Foster of Braintree Town stepped into the breach. Also – would Rushian Hepburn-Murphy Cambridge Unitedcount? I’m not sure…

Barney – called Braintree Town v Bromley at 1-3 on 63 min – Finished: 2-4 – FAILED!
– called Cheltenham Town v Northampton Town at 3-0 on 73 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called Swindon Town v Morecambe at 3-0 on 66 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Matty Virtue (Blackpool), Nicky Clark (Dundee United) and Frankie Raymond (Bromley) are in this week’s playgroup.

Nothing much to add here, but in their 2 international matches, England scored 10 goals. Surely a rare enough occurrance to be noteworthy.

Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town) x2

Ben Nugent (Stevenage)
David Ball (Bradford City on loan from Rotherham United)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kgosi Ntlhe (Rochdale)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Leonardo da Silva Lopes (Gillingham on loan from Wigan Athletic)
Scott Rendell (Aldershot Town)
Tyrone Barnett (Cheltenham Town)

Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town) x2

Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)

James Hanson (AFC Wimbledon)
Jordan Hallam (Scunthorpe United)
Kyle McFadzean (Burton Albion)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)



Season 6 Game 35 (15-18 Mar)

THE ‘Voice of Desperate Housewives who don’t like Mourinho’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Will.I.Am (44), Eva Longoria (45) and Paul Pogba (27).

Barney: Karlan ‘Grant-s’ Huddersfield Town a lifeline?”
Chris: “Ritchie the Guy for Newcastle” [Newcastle United’s Matt Ritchie].
Howard: “Stevenage ‘Chuks’ it away” [Chuks Aneke scores late for Milton Keynes Dons to snatch a point] – or – “Beck scores for Harrogate. He’s not a Loser (baby)” [Mark Beck]

Jordan Maguire-Drew at Leyton Orient, Neal Maupay at Brentford and Nicky (“You’re not a Kid anymore”) Maynard at Bury were the latest hopeful troika against the Dark Tide…

…And the results are in. That’s a No (and that was him cursed in the FA Trophy final too), No, and Didn’t Play. The Thing is definitely on fire… hellfire.

Aaron Lowe giving away a penalty 12 minutes into his full debut made his Ma “proud”.

This is one category that usually only Barney can get, and as he was busy terrorising London at the time, the notes are somewhat sketchy (if you were sketching in invisible ink).

All I could find was Tom Dallison of Crawley Town: Cambridge United – Accrington Stanley – Falkirk – Crawley Town. He was a popular member of the squad.

Albert Adomah (a fine ‘Old School’ name there, by the way) joined Aston Villa from Middlesbrough (after rejecting contract offers to stay at The Riverside), thrilled his erstwhile employers by stating he had joined a ‘massive club’. His goal against Boro (although not celebrated) is surely enough to qualify him as a winner of this here category.

Whilst there were some handsome beatings handed out this week, they all involved clubs that were close together in the table e.g. Wigan Athletic’s 5-2 beating of Bolton Wanderers (which would have also qualified as a Unpleasant Local Derby) and Crewe Alexandra’s Gubbing of Crawley Town (Crewe had generously given The Red Devils a goal start, before conceding a further six – a solid Gubbing).

Barney – called Crewe Alexandra v Crawley Town at 4-1 at around 55 min – Finished: 6-1 – GUB!
– called Wigan Athletic v Bolton Wanderers at 3-0 on 67 min – Finished: 5-2 – FAILED!
– called Peterborough United v Coventry City at 0-2 on 55 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!

An ‘Odd Lubbock’ [see our Gub Scale] in the Turriff United v Fort William game. In a tight encounter, the Turra eased into a first-half gub (six nil up, before allowing the away side one back) and continued this form to finish the game with a nice round dozen.

It’s not Fort William’s worst result of the season either – back in January, they went down 14-1 away to Formartine United. As of writing, Fort William have an impressive Goal Difference of MINUS 220, which approximates to losing by 7 goals every game. There always has to be some poor devil coming last, but this is surely taking things too far.

Hamilton Academicals’ stadium is now known as HOPE CBD Stadium [only for sponsorship reasons – really its New Douglas Park]… it’s a health food firm which sells products from Cannabis Oil… which makes it illegal for football players to use.

Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)

James Pearson (Macclesfield Town)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Omar Bogle (Portsmouth on loan from Cardiff City)

Conor McAleny (Kilmarnock on loan from Fleetwood Town)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town) x2
Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Anthony Jeffrey (Dover Athletic on loan from Sutton United)
Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)
Semi Ajayi (Rotherham United)

Chris Hussey (Cheltenham Town) o.g.
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Jason Holt (Fleetwood Town on loan from Rangers)
Louis Reed (Peterborough United)
Marc McNulty (Hibernian on loan from Reading)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)