Season 6 Game 43 (3-6 May)

THE ‘boxer tees off on Someone Like You’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kell (not Kelly, sadly) Brook (33), Rory McIlroy (30) and Adele (31. Skyfawwwwwl).

Barney: “That own goal was all down to Mee” [Burnley’s Ben Mee helped Everton to a 2-0 win]
Chris: [Pass]
Howard: “[Aaron] Pierre scores for Northampton Town. Was he Lucky ?” [As it turns out, yes – Northampton won away at Oldham Athletic 5-2] or “Joe Grayson scored. Was he as happy as Larry?” [Again, yes – his Grimsby Town side beat Crewe Alexandra 2-0]

So, for the penultimate time this season, it was David Turnbull at Motherwell, Lukas Jutkiewicz at Birmingham City and Jamal Lowe at Portsmouth hoping for end of season mercy from the unknown….
And the results are coming in on the Vidiprinter (RIP) – Yes, one goal (oops!), No, and No. Early signs of The Beast being on the beach already. That’s the North Beach, Hades (twinned with Clacton-on-sea).

I can never find anything for this one. Had a look at our goalscorers this week and apart from youths making their debut, I cannot find anyone who fits the bill.

No actual jailbirds this time, but Bradley Dack (now of Blackburn Rovers) was named in court at former team mate Nathan Nyalfi’s trial for rape. (LINK). I notice it’s not on his Wiki page…

Filipe Morais Crawley Town’s Portuguese winger has been here before, but some more for Farage’s hitlist are Poland’s Krystian Bielik (Charlton Athletic), Guinea-Bissau’s Panutche Camara (Crawley Town) and Gabon’s French-born midfielder, Johan Branger (Oldham Athletic).

Nothing evident here too – and certainly no-one as angry as this guy [LINK]!

I wonder how many of the 10,779 attendees at the Southend United v Sunderland game travelled the 590 mile round trip to see their beloved red and whites go down 2-1. Still, it was probably a nice day to be beside the seaside at the town with the longest pleasure pier in the world.

Barney – [nothing in the archives] – FAILED!
– called Everton v Burnley at 2-0 on 64 min – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
– [nothing in the archives] – FAILED!

Well, to quote Star Trek Enterprise, “it’s been a long road”, but we’re almost at the end.  The following week is the last, and will most likely be a results-only edition. I think we all know who “won” the league, but if you can stand the suspense, we will find out in just a few more days.

Chris Maguire (Sunderland)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
George Moncur (Luton Town) x2
Junior Morias (Northampton Town)
Kieran Sadlier (Doncaster Rovers)

Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Ezri Konsa (Brentford)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)

A blank!

Danny Philliskirk (AFC Fylde)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)



Season 6 Game 42 (26-29 Apr)


THE ‘Strictly The Bride and Her CompanioN’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Tess Daly (49), Uma Thurman (49) and Jenna Coleman (33).

Barney: “{Lucas}Akins is pain in the ass for Luton” {Akins scored both their goals in their 2-1 win against The Hatters} or “Babel makes Cardiff go gaga” {the one-time Liverpool player returned to the Premier League with doomed Fulham and scored the only goal in their thrilling game with equally-doomed Cardiff City}
Chris: [Had feet up on a table reading the paper OR had winning zinger intercepted by the Chinese Governement’s official technology partner Huawei. Which really happened? YOU decide…]
Howard: “Did Babel Tower over the Cardiff defence?” OR Tozer is sent off, living up to his surname?” OR “Mills’ scores own goal for Forest Green Rovers…are they taking the ‘Mick’?” [the unfortunate Joseph Mills’ error proved decisive as Crewe Alexandra won a tight defensive game 4-3]

Tyler Walker at Mansfield Town, Billy McKay at Ross County and Lewis Grabban at Nottingham Forest were the penultimate offerings to Hades…
…and like the public vote on the Eurovision Song Contest, the votes are finally in (and we haven’t had to endure the interminable interval act). So – Walker scored (but that was it for him for the end of the season), McKay didn’t play after the end of February, and Grabban blanked.

Well, I supposed you could have Preston North End v Sheffield Wednesday. Two up, surprisngly, at half-way, Preston gave a textbook demonstration of throwing it away, ending the game 3 apiece.

I was thinking we would have to go for the Edinburgh derby (Hibernian v Heart of Midlothian- one goal apiece and 9 bookings, 7 for the away side!) but before there was time to ask if Edinburgh was especially unpleasant, in stepped Port Vale and Macclesfield Town – 17.9 miles (or 18.4 if you go via DINGLE LANE! No, really). There was dancing in the streets of Macclesfield. And in a close contest, they won 1-0.

It’s either the two Jaydens – Bogle of Derby County and Stockley of Preston North End or Cauley Woodrow of Barnsley, Kurtis Guthrie of Stevenage (spelling it with a K…dead giveaway) or one I’m not sure of – Cheye Alexander of Barnet.

Barney – called Carlisle United v Crawley Town at 3-0 on 22 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
– called Accrington Stanley v Plymouth Argyle at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 5-1 (denied by a last minute own goal, would you believe!) – FAILED!
– called a tactical one – Preston North End v Sheffield Wednesday at 2-1? on 53 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED!

Couple of good winners here for Leicester (sob!) Jamie Vardy – firstly the vardy salted crisps [LINK], and also this weird advert – [LINK]

On a weekend of generally not-dull games, the best overall found was Everton’s goalless draw with Crystal Palace (two very average teams who screwed up our chances for a top 4 finish…not that I’m bitter IN ANY WAY). But this thriller had just the 3 attempts on target (NONE from the home team. 13 off target ,sure, but yes, just the three over the course of the 90 or so minutes. Enjoy your mid-table obscurity)

[Lukas] Klunter was sent off for Hertha Berlin [0-0 away to Eintracht Frankfurt]. Write your own punchline (but PLEASE don’t send it).

Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Salford City)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)
James Tavernier (Rangers) x2
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Craig Mackail-Smith (Notts County on loan from Wycombe Wanderers)
Jermaine Anderson (Bradford City)
Luke James (Hartlepool United)
Nathan Ralph (Dundee)

charlton02Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)

A blank!!

Billy Clarke (Bradford City)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)



Season 6 Game 41 (Easter Monday 22 – 24 Apr)

THE ‘Departed, Looking Over My Shoulder at Last Week Tonight’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jack Nicholson (82), Paul Carrack (67) and John Oliver – whoever he is – (42) – apparently he has a show called Last Week Tonight (it’s American, so it must be great).

No Zingers recorded (or maybe they were censored by Google’s special Chinese browser… or Barney forgot) – So, you know the punishment:

Howard: Stevens’ goal was the ‘Enda’ Hull City[there, you asked for it!]

…was with Ian Henderson at Rochdale, Jay Rodriguez at West Bromwich Albion and Jonson Clarke-Harris (no, he’s NOT a law firm) at Bristol Rovers wondering who killed the easter bunny….
And the reports have come in. Henderson didn’t score, but had scored in his previous game and scored in the following game. Ditto for Rodriguez. And Clarke-Harris failed to score.

It’s either a trio of Ashleys [what is the collective noun?] – Williams of Stoke City, Barnes of Burnley and newcomer Nathaniel-George of Crawley Town, old favourite Nicky Maynard of Bury, or Sam Mantom of Southend United.

I’ve tried, but it’s always a hard category to fill.

Those told to er… get lost were:
Martyn Waghorn of Derby County (Wigan Athletic to Rangers to Ipswich Town), Nicky Maynard of Bury (Milton Kenyes Dons to Aberdeen to Bury) and Brian Graham of Ross County (Hibernian to Cheltenham Town to Ross County).

Queueing up to star on the Football League Show, if it ever escapes from the dungeons of Quest TV are: Frank Nouble of Colchester United [15 clubs at age 27] and Matt Harrold of Leyton Orient [14 clubs, but he does now qualify as a Veteran, at 34]

Barney – called Plymouth Argyle v Barnsley at 0-3 on 39 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
– [was recovering from a wild weekend on the Welsh borders] – FAILED!
– called another spite-related Stealth Gub – Sheffield United against Hull. at 3-0 on 40 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED […or did it?] !

A little thin on the ground this time – old favourite Matty Godden of Peterborough United, and newcomer Alfie Cerulli of Braintree Town were the only kids wagging it from school.

Nothing to report from the time-frame itself, but this was the first H.I.H. to be done after the actual league has finished. The remaining entries will be done ASAP. Now there’s a threat!

Danny Mayor (Bury)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United) x2
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)
Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)
Vadaine Oliver (Morecambe)

Craig Mackail-Smith (Notts County on loan from Wycombe Wanderers)
Danny Andrew (Doncaster Rovers)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)

Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Leon Clarke (Wigan Athletic on loan from Sheffield United)

A blank

Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra) x2
Harry Bunn (Southend United on loan from Bury)
John Brayford (Burton Albion)
Lee Evans (Wigan Athletic)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Mark Yeates (Eastleigh)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)



Season 6 Game 40 (Good Friday 19-21 Apr)

THE ‘Dr Frank-N-Furter’s Cure for love’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Tim Curry (73), Robert Smith (60) and Maria Sharapova (32).

Barney: “Has Crooks stolen the points at the Liberty Stadium?” [Matt Crooks of Rotherham United, and no he didn’t, the Millers lost 4-3] or “Kandi leads Dag & Red to sweet success” [Chike Kandi of Dagenham and Redbridge]
Chris: [nothing recorded…or maybe deleted]
Howard: [this space has been bought by our Official Technology and Nuclear Weapons partner Huawei]

Aaannndddd it’s Coventry City’s Bright Enobakhare, Wrexham’s Akil Wright and Barnet’s Shaq(-uille) Coulthirst taking on the great unknown.

The results are in from our Hades jury…and it’s Yes, No and No. It’s not so Bright going up against the Dark One (that’s my Zinger sorted)…

Lincoln City could have gone up this Friday, but captain Jason Shackell leading from the front, picks up his third red card of the season. Lincoln lost 1-0. More pride than a Brighton parade!

Having consulted the Oracle – and Ceefax – (Google that topical gag, millenials!), this would appear to be as blank as a contestant on ‘Impossible!’.

Best I could find was Middlesbrough boss (for now!) Tony Pulis, who went to one of his old clubs, Stoke City and came out victorious. Just (1-0).

Barney – called Boreham Wood v Salford City at 0-2 on 18 min – Finished – FAILED!
– [was out drinking Chester dry and didn’t know there was a Head In Hands League going on] – FAILED!
– [deleted by gremlins] – FAILED!

Casting round for those who would hold their hands up to the question: “Who’s up for a game of Dominoes?” – we have Frank [Nouble, of Colchester United], George [Byers, of Swansea City], Harry [Smith, of Macclesfield Town], Brian [Graham, of Ross County] and Barry [Cuddihy, of Clyde], and Pierre-Emerick…er, maybe not!

Best I could find were a couple of possibles in the National League: Leyton Orient v Harrogate Town, and Gateshead v Chesterfield. Both hoping for a home draw with ‘one of the big boys’ or to get the live slot on ‘The Big Match’.

Havant and Waterlooville were 3 nil up at half-time, by 59 minutes it was 3-3. A spectacular collapse worthy of the Premiership ‘top four’ race…

Yeovil Town had scored 5 points from a possible 48. In true ‘Dying Like Dogs’ fashion [this may well have to become a Category], they lost 2-0 away to the mighty Crewe Alexandra.

Confirmed Pagga! at St Albans City. Two injury-time goals for the home team saw St Albans beat East Thurrock (oh, the glamour!) 3-1. No doubt the report on this mentions “tempers boiling over”.

Michael Jones (Carlisle United)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Steven MacLean (Heart of Midlothian)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United) x2
Junior Morias (Northampton Town)
Krystian Pearce (Mansfield Town)
Luke James (Hartlepool United)

charlton02Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Morrison (Birmingham City)
Regan Charles-Cook (Gillingham)

Chuks Aneke (Milton Keynes Dons)
Josh Dasilva (Brentford)
Kieran Gibbs (West Bromwich Albion)
Lucas Perez (West Ham United)
Theo Walcott (Everton)

CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)



Season 6 Game 39 (12-15 Apr)

THE ‘Doctor Doctor, I’ve got a bad case of Hogwarts’ HEAD-IN-HANDS  LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Peter Capaldi (60), Peter Davison (68) and Emma Watson (28).

Barney: “Wick couldn’t ‘weather’ MacAskills goal for Keith” [Keith’s Craig MacAskill made it 2-0 after just 6 minutes, but in a Reverse Churchill moment, Wick Academy pulled it back to 2-2] or “Modeste’s late winner gives Dover something to brag about” [Ricky Modeste’s late winner gave the away side at Barrow]
Chris: [nothing – probably deleted by Barney]
Howard: “It’s going to be a Shlong afternoon for Wolves” [Shane Long of Southampton scored to make it 3-1, Shlong is of course, his nickname]

Jamie (“You’re Not A Kid Anymore”) Devitt at Carlisle United, Callum Lang at Oldham Athletic and Sam Cosgrove at Aberdeen summon up all their courage against the summoned one….

And the results are in! Devitt didn’t play, Lang didn’t score in a 2-2 draw, and Cosgrove, and the rest of his Aberdeen team failed to score as well. The power is still strong!

A difficult one to get so full marks to Alex Gudger of Solihull Moors for saving the day! To make it better for him, his late own goal didn’t lose the game, and the Moors won 3-2.

Burnley v Cardiff City [The Devil aka Sean Dyche vs Neil Warnock] for the Ultimate Fresh Hell, but they were strongly challenged by cheerful Chris Wilder at Bramall Lane, who dropped points in a dramatic 1-1 draw with Millwall. United conceded a penalty on 85 minutes with the score at 1-0, John Egan gets sent off but the resulting penalty is missed. A late challenge on McGoldrick goes unpunished and Millwall get a 94th minute equaliser. Wilder said: “The referee should have done his job properly. My reaction was an emotional one as that was an unbelievably poor decision.” Oops.

Roll call for the summer boarders:-
Jonson Clarke-Harris of Bristol Rovers,
Nathaniel Knight-Percival of Bradford City,
Aaron Taylor-Sinclair of Crewe Alexandra
and Davis Kellior-Dunn of Falkirk.

Founding member of Traffic, Chris Wood (Burnley), has been here before, but he’s the only one I could find. Some godforsaken band that only Barney likes probably has a namesake that scored, but we may never know…

It pains me to put this one down, but Tottingham Hotspurs beat Huddersfield Town, who were probably already relegated by this point. Unsurprisingly, the Lilywhites gave the Terriers a Damn Good Seeing-to. (4-0 if you care to check our Gub Scale).

Barney – called Portsmouth v Rochdale at 3-1 on 62 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
– called West Bromwich Albion v Preston North End at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
– called Queen’s Park Rangers for unlikely gubv Swansea City at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

When there isn’t much to say, there is always a few weird results, usually in the Scottish lower leagues. Fort William continued their impressive form with a 7-0 home defeat to Fraserburgh, and Vale of Leithen got a 6-0 Mullah-ing from aay side Edinburgh University. I wonder if either manager still held onto their jobs? Chesham also Wham-med the appropriately-named Staines 7-0.

Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Salford City)
Gary Madine (Sheffield United on loan from Cardiff City)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Sean Clare (Heart of Midlothian)
Will De Havilland (Maidstone United) o.g.

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Danny Andrew (Doncaster Rovers)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United) x3
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers) x2
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Michael Doughty (Swindon Town)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Bradford City)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)
Tommy Rowe (Doncaster Rovers)

charlton02Josh Staunton (Halifax Town)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)

Anthony Jeffrey (Dover Athletic on loan from Sutton United)

Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Kieran Wallace (Burton Albion)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic) x2
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)



Season 6 Game 38 (5-8 Apr)

THE ‘Lady Rose Scrubs Noah’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Lily James (30), Zack Braff (44) and Russell Crowe (55) over this weekend.

Barney and Chris: [Files deleted by Huawei]
Howard: Well, it’s either a return for the perennial ‘[Garry] Monk slaps….[x]’ (Leeds United, this time) or ‘[Jerome] Sinclair CRASH!-es it in’

Back from holidays and sporting quite the sulphuric tan, our spectral acquaintance literally got back into the swing of things, putting Glenn Miller’s Band on the gramophone and directing its psychic downset towards Macclesfield Town’s Scott Wilson, Chesterfield’s Scott Boden and Barnsley’s Scott…er., no… Cauley Woodrow. The first two blanked, but despite best attempts, the Being couldn’t get through to a Barnsley player and Woodrow did in fact score.

No, it’s not David Goodwillie, who did score twice at the weekend. Instead, it’s Port Vale’s Tom Pope, convicted of an off-field PAGGA! receiving a six-month suspended sentence plus community service. Hardly appropriate behaviour for a Pope…(as Wiggy probably said).

Ched Evans also scored twice, can’t think why I’m reminded of that…

After the mild disappointments of discovering that both Halifax Town’s Immanuel Duku and Alloa Athletic’s Dario Zanetta are both British-born, we have to fall back to Bruno Andrade. Born in Visau, Portugal and scoring for Lincoln City via the well-worn path (no) of Woking and Boreham Wood.

He may have been up at AFC Fylde, watching Eastleigh lose 4-2 and wondering which hardy fans undertook the 514 mile, 9 hr 25 minutes round trip. It looked so promising at one point too. More of this in Miscellaneous.

Barney – called Clyde 0-2 Peterhead on 50 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED!
Howard – called Cowdenbeath v Edinburgh City much too late at 4-1 on 87 (ish) min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris – might have called one but nothing was recorded in the archives – FAILED!

This is from last year but nevertheless… Phil Jagielka, who scored this weekend fluked a goal did this…(LINK)

There’s also Burnley’s Ashley Barnes probably getting a few grand knocked off his rug renewal for this (LINK):

More on Barnes below, including a very, very unlikely explanation for the hair transplant.

The good fans of Airdrieonians and East Fife would’ve been utterly entertained by this 0-0 draw at the Penny Cars Excelsior Stadium. They no doubt were enthralled by the end-to-end action, culminating in a total of 3 shots on target throughout the 90+ minutes of play. Jubilant home fans would have noted that Airdrie had a total of 2 shots over the entire game and in no way were seen heading for the club office early Monday with lighted torches and pitchforks…

Quite of bit this week. We’ll start with Aston Villa scoring twice in stoppage time against their former manager’s ‘Steve Bruce’s Sheffield Wednesday’ for a 3-1 away success and an excellent It Don’t Mean Nuthin’.

Burnley’s striker Ashley Barnes is a hard-working, unselfish, though not prolific forward. The Austrian (oh yes) footballer defied this description as he scored at both ends in the Clarets’ away success against Bournemouth. Indeed, he may have celebrated his achievement with a Day Trip To Brighton (Bournemouth being rather closer to Brighton than Burnley). Besides, they’d understand.

Here’s a couple of handsome Reverse Churchills. Eastleigh were enjoying a 2-1 half-time advantage away at AFC Fylde in a battle of play-off contenders. Either Ben Strevens and his coaches didn’t express the finest team-talk at the interval or there was locoweed [is this like Mara-ju-weena Barney?] in their cuppas as the Spitfires were shot down by three second half goals (BT Sport can have that one for free) at Mill Farm and Dave Challinor’s (yep, the looooooooong throw guy) team won 4-2.

This meltdown was overshadowed by the goings on at Carlisle United, who were down 1-2 at home to title-chasing Bury and saw their left-back Mike Jones red carded on the stroke of halftime. Bury manager Ryan Lowe to the rescue, the Shakers’ players responding to his words by shipping two goals and losing 3-2.

Lowe gave your scribe further work when amongst his post-match comments were:

‘It’s a sickening result, a real sickening result for us,” “Individual errors keep costing us goals and we can’t have that if we’re going to achieve our goal this season.
“We had our fair share of chances so we’ve got no-one to blame but ourselves. I’m disappointed with our strikers for not being ruthless with the chances we had.”. Dressing-room lock-in ahoy?

Also in the non-existant ‘Dying Like Dogs’ category, we also had a fine entry from Maidstone United, who needed to win to not get relegated. Lost 2-0.

Lewis Baker (Reading on loan from Chelsea)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Carlisle United)

Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Jason Cummings (Luton Town on loan from Nottingham Forest)
Ryan Tunnicliffe (Millwall)

Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Nathan Byrne (Wigan Athletic)

Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)

Che Adams (Birmingham City)
Harry Bunn (Southend United on loan from Bury)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Phil Jagielka (Everton)Steve Davies (Hamilton Academical)
Steve Davies (Hamilton Academical)



Season 6 Game 37 (29 Mar – 1 Apr)

THE ‘All Rise And Come Away With Me, The Funky Headhunter’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Blue’s Simon Webbe (41), Norah Jones (40), and MC Hammer (57).

Barney:  ‘Bury’s midfielder gets straight red – has Mayor been unseated?’ [when Danny Mayor was sent off, Bury were already 2-1 down. They went on to concede another before the end]
Chris: ‘Murtagh’s a Lethal Weapon’ for Boreham Wood’ [Keiran Murtagh, scoring the opening goal in what was a 2-1 away win at Barrow]
Howard: ‘Legge’s off – Someone call a Doctor’ [Despite Leon Legge’s red card, Port Vale still managed a 2-1 away win at Northampton Town]

Is still on its’ holidays in Hades (aka Butlins Minehead). Whilst we appreciate it’s nice to touch base with your colleagues, we would like to hear directly from the decayed one, rather than communicate via yet another emissary (which looks a wee bit like Jonathan King, if you squint) who has indicated Liam Boyce at Burton Albion, Adrian Clifton at Maidenhead United and Neal Maupay at Brentford are the particular targets of its spite for the week.

The power from the Dark Side was clearly cooking on full bars, as all three blanked.

After some weeks of debate over whether or not Lee or Nicky are unisex, two no-doubters here in the shape of Tammy Abraham at Aston Villa (for now) and Salford City’s Lois Maynard who both scored, making this an unusually easy category to complete.

Rejoice! Rejoice! The rainbow community express Pride (And not in a ‘Make Ya Ma Proud’ manner) in Wrexham’s Shaun Pearson for scoring at both ends and ending a run of blanks in this always-tough-to-fill (ahem!) category.

Jayden Stockley scored late on for Preston North End in their defeat against Reading. The striker will be quite familiar with the power of a Moto service station sandwich and cup of tea, as his last ports of call were Exeter City – Aberdeen – Exeter City and now Preston.

You say Cheltenham Town’s Billy Waters scored against former club Crewe Alexandra in a win which secured the Jonny-Rocks Stadium (I will never get tired of typing that!) outfit’s League Two survival and may well have knackered any hopes the Railwaymen had of making the playoffs? Sounds like a nice fit for ‘IDMN’ as no-one sane is calling it. [EDIT: In the same way that no-one is calling London Road the ABAX Stadium!]

called Berwick Rangers v Edinburgh City at 0-2 on 30 min – Finished: 0-2 FAILED!
called Greenock Morton v Partick Thistle called at 0-3 on 44 min – Finished: 0-3 FAILED!
called Derby County v Rotherham United, called at 3-0 on 42 min – Finished: 6-1 GUBBED!

Our congratulations (ish) to Chris, who identified a gub. This is due to having his senses sharpened by noticing future problems on the rail network…. and then not doing anything about them, as it’s time for a coffee instead.

Best we can find is Ebbsfleet United v Wrexham, or Gravesend and Northfleet v Wrexham as it would’ve been 20-odd years ago. Unlike the creatively-monikered ‘Fleet’, Wrexham do have history in the Cup, as in early 1992 famously beat Ar[EDITED! – this never happened]

An alternative was Derby County v Rotherham United at the Baseball Ground, where the away team were hoping to take the Premiership club back to Millmoor. Or not.

“Frank Lampard’s” Derby County 6-1 Rotherham United. That’s 5th v 22nd and a quite perfect spot of Darwinism.

Struggling Cambridge United (to also give them their full name) would’ve been reasonably happy with the point at home to play-off contenders Colchester United after 90 mins. That Kane Vincent-Young scored a very late winner for the away team thoroughly spoilt their fans’ weekend. The fact the the cause of their displeasure would make both our Born Under Burberry and Are You My Fag? categories is very little comfort.

And finally… Inverness Caledonian Thistle 0-0 Falkirk where both teams combined for a pristine 3 shots on target. A particular mention to the Bairns, as the away team made the most of their opportunity, with their only shot in the game being on target. I’m sure both sets of supporters went home from this PAUL ROBINSON!!! of a game fully entertained.

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland) x2
Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Ben Marshall (Millwall on loan from Norwich City)
Chris O’Grady (Oldham Athletic)
Daryl Murphy (Nottingham Forest)
Gary Gardner (Birmingham City on loan from Aston Villa)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Sean Clare (Heart of Midlothian)
Will Buckley (Bolton Wanderers)

Danny Andrew (Doncaster Rovers)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion)
Jake Livermore (West Bromwich Albion)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Russell Martin (Milton Keynes Dons)

Ayo Obileye (Maidenhead United)
Conor McAleny (Kilmarnock on loan from Fleetwood Town)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County) x3
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

Luke Ayling (Leeds United)
Marc Bola (Blackpool)

Chris O’Grady (Oldham Athletic)
CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town) x2
Conor Coady (Wolverhampton Wanderers) o.g.
James Hanson (AFC Wimbledon) x2
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)