THE ‘Beast who stares at goats on a stakeout’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Adebayo Akinfenwa (37), Jon Ronson (52) and  Emilio Estevez (57).

It’s missing again – soooooo… you know the penalty…
Howard: ‘[Josh] Simpson scored an own goal – he was not the only one going “D’OH!”‘ [the goal was not decisive as Crystal Palace scored another 4, compared with Bournemouth’s two]

Was not at the Northwich Salt Museum, as first thought, so Barney managed to summon his agent through a virgin sacrifice (you’d be surprised how long that takes these days) and was told It had gone home early to prepare the Euro election results. The emissary in question could’ve sort’ve may’ve looked like Nigel Farage but declined to answer any questions…

Tammy Abraham (Aston Villa, on loan from Chelsea, like every other player in the world) is, as the obvious one here but there’s also Alex Pritchard of  Huddersfield Town to consider, or if we’re really pushing it, Ashley Barnes at Burnley. All three scored in a solid week for transgender names.

This is collectively awarded to Montrose, as they defeated Queen Of The South 2-1 in the first leg of their play-off to decide if the Gable Enders or the Palmerston Park outfit would be advancing to the next round of the Championship/1st Division playoff. Montrose would surely need to keep the venerable Stephen Dobbie from adding to his 40 goals in all competitions to ensure safe passage.
Halftime score: Queen Of The South 5-0 Montrose and a hat-trick for Dobbie. The Doonhamers declared on this and sailed through by the odd four goals. There’s always next season for Montrose, though [CENSORED] does understand their inability to turn up for a big game…

It’s not been a great season for Dundee, or their veteran (“old”) striker Kenny Miller. Dundee had been relegated a while back whilst Miller lost his first managerial role at Livingston early on in the campaign. Of course Miller scored the only goal of the game versus Livingstone, though couldn’t celebrate as he’d been cleaned out handsomely by Livi ‘keeper Liam Kelly in the process. [LINK]

Bournemouth’s Jack Simpson scored an own goal on his third league appearance. This impressive feat, which was a worthy effort for the category above, may well have had him singing this, had the singer not carked it over 7 years back… [LINK]

Not the easiest of categories given the truncated nature of this final week of the season, but 17th place Brighton & Hove Albion v Manchester City [FT: 1-4] does seem to work. As did Christians v Lions.
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No-one called Tony to tell him the season’s over, so he’s probably still sat there, wondering if he dare risk another pie, or go for broke and order a steaming-hot Bovril*.

*other warm beverages are available.

We’ve all been subject to those thoroughly ropey ads featuring England internationals with far too much money already looking very uncomfortable as Herr Klopp passes them the Nivea. Well, it would seem we haven’t seen nothing yet. [LINK]

Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Salford City)
James Tavernier (Rangers)

Alex Pritchard (Huddersfield Town)
Carl Piergianni (Salford City)
Dwight Gayle (West Bromwich Albion on loan from Newcastle United)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) x2

Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)

Theo Walcott (Everton)

Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City) x2

A POSH WIN FOR THE FINAL WEEK

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