THE ‘Aunt Polly scores again for Gosford Park’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Peaky blinders Helen McCrory (51), Thierry Henry (42) and Julian Fellowes (71).

Barney: “Paddy Madden’s Donny with that equaliser.”
Chris: [Deleted by Barney]
Howard: “Bowen’s Scored for Hull – Iiiiiiinnnnnn one!”

Has had second thought about the quality of workmanship delivered by Mr Saville. Whether or not their opinion was swayed by that nice Mr Pinochet stating he ‘Wouldn’t trust him with the dead’ is unknown but it has managed to locate a far more experienced builder who has been down here for over 20 years. Here’s hoping Mr Fred West does a better job with the grotto’s basement than previous efforts.

Despite these hassles, the Dread Hand found time to curse Lawrence Shankland at Dundee United (didn’t play), Paul McCallum at Solihull Moors and Will Grigg at Sunderland. Another couple of blanks underscores the power being very strong at the beginning of this season.

Simeon Akinola of Barnet scored the equalising penalty against Chesterfield. Borehamwood, Billericay, Harrow Borough, Braintree Town and Barnet are his previous clubs. Mr Akinola does indeed know the value of an Oyster card.

Another exponent of said travel card would be Reeco Hackett-Fairchild of Bromley, late of Dagenham and Redbridge, Dulwich Hamlet, Charlton Athletic and Borehamwood. More on him below.

Two very familiar names here – David Goodwillie of Clyde [two counts of assault] and Kenny Miller of Partick Thistle [pub punch up]. Professional footballers really need to sort this out, they have a reputation to live down to.

There’s a couple of candidates here with the ‘harmonically intriguing’ (All About Jazz) Conor Chaplin netting for Barnsley and Busted bassist Matt Jay scoring for Exeter City. Barney further identified the (he says!) legendary Jesus And Mary Chain frontman Jim Reid scoring for Torquay United, but he’s known professionally as Jamie and not Jim, so I’m not sure it counts.

Maidenhead United v Chorley (4-1). 203 miles of optimism on the way and 203 miles of realism on the way back for the away team. A total of 7 hours and 36 mins of travelling, doubly tragic for the hardy Chorley fans knowing they’re heading back to Peter Kay’s home town.

Barney – called Bradford City v Oldham Athletic called at 2-0 on 34 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard – called Lincoln City v Southend United, called at 3-0 on 48 min – Finished: 4-0- FAILED!
Chris – Tranmere Rovers v Bolton (“Keepers!”) Wanderers called at 3-0 on 46 min – Finished: 5-0 – WE HAVE A WINNER!

Luton Town v West Bromwich Albion, a Championship fixture in 2019. Luton Town were heading to the Conference in 2008 whilst West Brom were a Premiership club in 2008. That’ll do just fine.

Ebbsfleet United’s veteran centre-back Jack King has had quite the notable start to the season, having been sent off on opening day and returning to score the winning own goal that gave Solihull Moors the three points. Make Ya Ma Proud you say? Yes indeedy.

David Wheeler was given his chance in full-time football by then Exeter City manager Paul Tisdale and prospered to the extent Queen’s Park Rangers signed him from the Grecians in 2017 for around £1m. It didn’t really really work out for him with the West London outfit and he went on loan to Milton Keynes Dons, now managed by Paul Tisdale before joining Wycombe Wanderers on a free transfer for this season. That he scored a last minute winner for Wycombe at Adams Park against Paul Tisdale’s MK Dons on Saturday is plenty enough for an “It Don’t Mean Nuthin'” and possible ‘Scooby Doo’ noises from the away dugout.

There was some debate amongst your scribes regarding the inclusion of the “Day Trip To Brighton” category for this season. We’ve decided to give it a stay of execution for now and efforts like Dagenham and Redbridge’s Angelo Balanta going beyond the call of duty with two goals in the right end and one own goal in the same game will surely help its case.

Outside our juristiction perhaps, but Hungerford Town’s Jimmy Rusby notched up a more traditional “Day Trip To Brighton”, scoring both goals in his team’s 1-1 draw with Chippenham Town, for whom winger Nick McCootie didn’t trouble the scorer. Probably for the best, given what damage Barney could wreak with that surname and this category.

Bromley striker Reeco Hackett-Fairchild got a brace for the Hayes Lane outfit against the great and powerful Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling’s Hartlepool United. The ex-Addick is fortunate indeed to have a surname which certainly makes “Are You My Fag?” and a christian name that qualifies for “Born In Burberry”. The latter category can also comfortably claim Airdrieonians’ Kurtis Roberts as one of its own.

That ever reliable source of information known as Wikipedia claims the Forest Green striker Junior Mondal was in fact christened Lewis Clive Scobie. I for one feel his new moniker was and is an excellent fit for his previous and current ports of call, Middlesborough, Spennymoor, Whitby and now Nailsworth.

Finally, Mike Fondop-Talom scored. Twice. He’s our surrogate Duckens Nazon.

Benik Afobe (Bristol City on loan from Stoke City)
Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Eddie Nolan (Crewe Alexandra)
Rory McArdle (Scunthorpe United)

Conor Washington (Heart of Midlothian)
Harry Toffolo (Lincoln City)
Jerome Binnom-Williams (Halifax Town)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Michael Smith (Heart of Midlothian)

Conor McAleny (Fleetwood Town)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County) x2
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley) x2

Benik Afobe (Bristol City on loan from Stoke City)

Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Clayton Donaldson (Bradford City)
Conor Sammon (Falkirk) x2
Conor Washington (Heart of Midlothian)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Scott Hogan (Stoke City on loan from Aston Villa) x2

A NARROW WIN FOR CHARLTON!