Season 7 Game 09 (13-16 September)

THE ‘Don’t Cha wish Mrs Brown made the Connection’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Ashley Roberts (38), Brendan O’Carroll (64) and Justine Frischmann (50).

Barney: ‘Livvy’s Dykes gets a red card – will there be a ‘flood’ of goals?’ [Lyndon Dykes for Livingston]
Chris: ‘Crewe’s Green sees Red’ [At last, one finally gets printed! – And that’s Crewe Alexandra’s Paul Green]
Howard: ‘Cambridge’s Sam Smith makes it 0-1, how’s that for non-binary’ [Singer Sam Smith announced he wanted to be referred to as ‘They/It’ as he believes himself to be non-binary. That’s probably funnier than any of the Zingers.]

Would like to make it clear that it’s not all doom and gloom down here. Why, only the other day the Hand was delighted to make another acquaintance in the shape of Pogo The Clown. Interesting chap, as he had also been a talented painter whose art had sold for thousands in the world above. It’s looking forward to his next show in his basement and hopes the younger ones will enjoy Mr John Wayne Gacy’s act as much as It will – fun for all the family!

Whilst being enraptured by the subsequent entertainment, the Hand still had enough about it to blank Michael Cheek at Bromley, Charlie Kirk at Crewe Alexandra and Ollie Watkins at Brentford to continue an impressive run to start the season.

Rochdale’s Cartegena-born ‘keeper Robert Sanchez would be a “Local Boy Makes Good” but for the fact he’s highly unlikely to ever score. His performance against Peterborough United in a 6-0 Mullahing was remarkable in all the wrong ways [LINK]. Sanchez’s middle name is ‘Lynch’ and his defenders certainly left him to hang and twist today [Barney clearly would like to be Colin Murray’s scriptwriter on Quest TV]. Madre Sanchez will be very pleased.

Blades’ club captain Billy Sharp’s red-card 20 minutes after being called from the bench can’t be ignored and will doubtless be a source of great dignity for ‘The red half of Sheffield’. [Has this 50% figure ever been checked?].

Stockport County’s striker Joe Piggott (with 2 g’s and two t’s) is on loan from Wigan Athletic. His last three clubs are Altrincham, Morecambe and the aforementioned Stockport. A more appropriate player may well be Barnet’s goalscorer Josh Walker, who could indeed use his Oyster Card to get around to his only three clubs to date. Fulham – Wealdstone – Barnet.

If Transport For London are reading this, we would welcome sponsorship, or come to think of it, any form of free money, which one of your scribes receives by being employed by Network Rail…

David Goodwillie and Kenny Miller of course, but they’re almost permanent residents in this category, so we stayed in Scotland for Declan Gallagher of Motherwell who certainly takes the biscuit and indeed the entire Fox’s Selection for this moment of violence: [LINK].

Bradley Dack of Blackburn Rovers also gets a dishonourable mention for being mentioned in former team mate Nathan Nyalfi’s trial for rape [LINK].

This category tends to be one of easier ones to fill but your reporter was struggling at one point with ‘journeyman’ players such as Sam Clucas, Nahki Wells and Uche Ikpeazu all notching up an inadequate 9 clubs. Fortuantely, along came ‘nomadic’ striker Freddie Ladapo, who had scored for Rotherham United. 16 clubs at 26 is just overkill. Jake Jervis, you’ve got company!
Honourable mention here to Dagenham & Redbridge’s Joe Quigley who has 12 clubs at 23.

Well, this is a grim old start as there don’t appear to be anyone who has scored against their old clubs. Not one.

Barney – called Queen’s Park Rangers v  Luton Town at 3-0 on 28 min – Finished: 3-2- FAILED!
– called Yeovil Town v AFC Fylde at 2-0 on 14 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
– called Tottingham Hotspurs v Crystal Palace, called at 3-0 on 19 min and approved by Howard- Finished: 4-0- FAILED!

We note David Goodwillie putting it about for Clyde in a three penalty, one-man gub of Stranraer in a 6-1 win.

Accrington Stanley 1 Sunderland 3, and a definite “Is It Cup Week?” fixture. You can bet Stanley would’ve preferred an money-spinning away trip to Roker Park… [NOTE: to stop any daft comments – Barney was being ironic there in referencing Sunderland’s old ground. Or something].

Fresh Hell at Bramall Lane and more specifically the home dugout where Chris Wilder was fulminating [thank you Susie Dent] over the Blades 0-1 reverse against Southampton. Having seen a goal disallowed via VAR, his team being denied by an Angus Gunn supershow and a clear penalty unseen by the referee, the home team had club icon Billy Sharp sent off.

Wilder:  “This is a game we should have definitely got something from – at minimum a draw…We have got to wise up quickly. With the amount of chances we created, we can’t come away not scoring – it is absolutely ridiculous.”.

DR Congo’s Emile Kpama N’Goy is a ‘big lad’ who has played in Portugal, Italy and er, Wales for Llanelli. So it’s quite understandable he’d score for Brechin City at the weekend.

When Alefe Santos was growing up in Sao Paulo, he’ll have dreamed of a career which took him around world. Well, that didn’t happen, he’s graced places like Meadow Lane, Huish Park and Aldershot Town’s Recreation Ground, where the attacking midfielder scored his first goal since 2012 – this would surely have qualified him for a “Bendtner!”.

Both of the above can also be sure they are shoe-ins as “Local Boy Makes Good”.

Finally, Barney has shown rare restraint in not mentioning this was a week where Cummins and Dykes saw the showers early and combining this with Tammy Abraham’s Day Trip To Brighton in a movie that even he hasn’t seen. Then again…

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Eddie Nolan (Crewe Alexandra)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Jimmy Smith (Yeovil Town on loan from Crawley Town)

Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Jason Cummings (Shrewsbury Town)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kyle Dempsey (Fleetwood Town)
Lee Angol (Leyton Orient)
Russell Martin (Milton Keynes Dons)

Jordan Cook (Grimsby Town)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Ethan Ebanks-Landell (Shrewsbury Town) o.g.
Marc McNulty (Sunderland on loan from Reading)
Marvin Johnson (Middlesbrough)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)


Season 7 Game 08 (6-9 September)

THE ‘What About Us, Pretending to be John Luther?’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Pink (40), Chrissie Hynde (68) and Idris Elba (47).

Barney: [Blanked!]
Chris: [Barney reckons he “genuinely had nothing today”…BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH!]
Howard: David Wheater scored – he puts the ‘Old’ in ‘Oldham’ [to be fair, he’s only 32]

Is finding keeping the grotto clean and tidy quite the chore for somebody of its advanced years. Putting an ad looking for help resulted in a call from a Ms Bathory, who runs an agency specialising in providing domestics and maids in the Second Plane. An enquiry regarding the price for these services got this response from Ms Bathory: “Don’t worry about that, I won’t bleed you dry. My employees on the other hand…”

Whilst being slightly perturbed by how pale the help looked, the Eldritch One was certainly able to transmit disenchantments to Jorge Grant at Lincoln City, James Hanson at Grimsby Town, and Inih Effiong at Dover Athletic. Grant and Hanson both blanked but Effiong netted for The Crabble outfit.

The Hand was philosophical about the results and took solace in the fact that Hanson had a penalty saved, it mused that perhaps there was too much on the bad vibes to the Mariners’ target man and not enough on the Dover striker. Die and learn and all that.

A few androgynous possibles e.g. Jamie Reid of Torquay United, Nicky Law of Exeter City, his fellow Grecian Lee Martin (DEFINITE NO), Crewe Alexandra’s Charlie Kirk and Alex Rodman of Bristol Rovers, plus a few other Alex-es, Jakubiak (Gillingham) and Reid (Ebbsfleet United), so we might have to go back to old standby Beryly Lubala (Crawley Town).

Olafela Olomola could well be an excellent signing for Scunthorpe United once the locals can pronounce his name. His clubs number Southampton-Yeovil Town-Scunthorpe United, and now Carlisle United on loan. Well-travelled already at 20, he may be the next Tyrone Barnett (see Miscellaneous)

Both Danny Lloyd-McGoldrick of Salford City [note: according to Wikipedia, he’s known professionally as Danny Lloyd] and Jordan Maguire-Drew of Leyton Orient could well be seen slouching on the House Of Commons benches twenty-odd years from now, supporting the proroguing of parliament. And in late-breaking news, let’s not forget Bristol Rovers’ prolific Jonson Clarke-Harris [5 goals in 8 appearances so far this season, stat fan(s)].

Jamie Reid of Torquay United (see “Don’t Call Me Shirley”) seemed a good candidate, based on the theory that he was christened ‘James’. But he wasn’t, he was christened ‘Jamie’ (sigh!). A blank is avoided by Elliot Moore, the Oxford United defender who is a ‘big lad’ and scored on Saturday. He also doubles as a composer and conductor of orchestras. It’s always good to have something to fall back on when you’re no longer a threat from set pieces.

Barney – called Inverness Caledonian Thistle v Greenock Morton – called at 2-0 on 31 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called Torquay United v Harrogate Town – called at 4-2 on 80 min – Finished: 4-2 – FAILED!
– called Leyton Orient v Swindon Town – called at 0-3 on 45 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!

Alfie Jones of Gillingham scored for Gillingham after joining on loan from Southampton. You’re 21. You’re a full-grown man and being called ‘Alfred’ would be far more unique, hipster and steampunk than ‘Alfie’.


For the fifth straight week a goalscorer was also sent off. They can stop doing this now, I mentioned last week it’s going in as a category from the New Year. This week’s goal and red card combo was claimed by Harrogate Town’s Jon Stead. Stead’s often called a journeyman striker but has had just 12 different clubs on his CV at 36.
Tyrone Barnett of Eastleigh snorts at this loyalty from either club or player, having 16 separate outfits on his roster at 33 and he collects the Claridge Clock over Stead.

Chorley v Stockport County was unanimously deemed an “Unpleasant Local Derby”. There’s very little else to say really.

Two goals for Kabongo Tshimanga of Boreham Wood at the weekend. That’s 4 in 5 after his 24 in 42 for Oxford City last season. Of perhaps more interest to us is the Kinshasa-born striker easily qualifies as a “Local Boy Makes Good”. Kabongo – where was that on the list of prospective names for the new Royal baby?

Midfielder Ben Whiteman notched up his first goal as a permanent Doncaster Rovers player. His previous clubs were Sheffield United and Mansfield Town. This makes him a very good candidate for “Kenny Davis’ Oyster Card”.

David Goodwillie scored for Clyde. He seems to score every week, there must a reason why no bigger club will sign him. Oh yeah, he’s well “Known To The Authorities” [And when he went to Blackburn Rovers, he managed just 5 goals in 24 games].

And finally Mike Fondop-Talom didn’t score for the first time in four games. But Gold Omotayo got his first goal for Yeovil Town at the weekend.

A blank! Yes, really.

Danny Lloyd (Salford City) x2
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers) x2
Matty Godden (Coventry City)
Scott Wootton (Plymouth Argyle)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Sullay Kaikai (Blackpool) x2

A blankety-blank!

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Clayton Donaldson (Bradford City)
Jon Stead (Harrogate Town) x2
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Shaun Miller (Morecambe on loan from Crewe Alexandra)


Season 7 Game 07 (30 August – 2 September)

THE ‘Doctor Blake and John Wick are in the News’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Craig MacLachlan (54), Keanu Reeves (55) and Moira Stuart (70).

Barney: ‘No Pride for St Mirren as Livvi’s Dykes scores’ [Lindon Dykes]
Chris: ‘Blackpool can’t restrain Harness at Portsmouth’ [Marcus Harness]
Howard: ‘Hey – Jude’s scored for Birmingham’ [Jude Bellingham]

Fancied a nice bit of steak to roast over the brimstone. It’s clear there’s only one person down here to go to when buying meat and that’s Idi Amin. The Hand’s logic being that Mr Amin was so good he was the supplier to a country of 9 million people. How else would he get the name ‘The Butcher of Uganda’?

With the steak cooking nicely, the Hand turned its’ digits towards Ivan Toney at Peterborough United, Simeon Akinola at Barnet and Jake Hyde at Woking. The Posh striker and the Bees frontman failed to score but Hyde somehow broke the curse. Twice! Retribution will be coming as the Being shakes its fist towards Martyn Tyler and the rest of the Cardinals.

After scrutinising the results and then also looking at then closely (!), there seems to be only two instances of second half reversal:
Accrington Stanley v Milton Keynes Dons is mentioned below so step forward Sheffield Wednesday’s Lee Bullen and his mid-game counsel. Owls 1-0 QPR at half time. Owls 1-2 QPR at the final whistle. It’s enough to see Bullen’s grandson kicked out…

The go-to here would surely be Leeds United 0-1 Swansea City, after the Whites had 62% possession, 21 shots and Marcelo Bielsa as a manager. But he was suspiciously calm after the game so a thin week for this too, but thankfully here’s Frank Lampard after the 2-2 draw for Frank Lampard’s Chelsea against ‘plucky’ Sheffield United:

‘It is our fault for gifting them a goal early in the second half. We had more than enough on the field to win that game from 2-0 up. There is no chance the game should swing like that. We gave them to opportunity to hurt us. It was on us to take the game away from them but we allowed them back into it.’

It does seem rather unfair to pick on the unfortunate Bolton Wanderers, but we’re going to do it anyway. It’s the survival of the fittest after all, so Gillingham gubbing cannot be overlooked.

It had to be the suddenly prolific Kayden Jackson at Ipswich, who scored again at the weekend as that’s the only name Barney wrote down. Or had it? Further digging revealed Jackson’s clubmate Flynn Downes, a pair at Bristol City – Kasey Palmer and Taylor Moore (who scored an own goal too), plus Colby Bishop at Accrington Stanley (named after the soap opera?), Kurtis Guthrie at Stevenage, Shaquille ‘Shaq’ Coulthirst at Barnet and Kane Hester at Elgin City. Turns out it’s not just Jamie Oliver giving his kids silly names. Ho Hum.

Barney – called Swindon Town v Morecambe, called at 3-1 on 45 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called Forest Green Rovers v Newport County, called at 0-1 on 30 min – Finished: 0-2 – FAILED!
– called Brentford v Derby County, called at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!

Well, this category is a rare thing indeed, but when we can find a footballer in a dubious advertising opportunity, it’s generally a belter. Like this one of goalscorer Jamie Vardy ponying up for a local insurance firm.

The bloke on the right of Vardy looks delighted.

Jamie Vardy Has Signed for Marsh & Co!

The alternative would be Adebayo Akinfenwa posing for Jacamo. But I’ve got absolutely no problem with the hard-as-nails Wycombe Wanderers veteran adding to his hard-earned pension. No problem whatsoever.

None at all, I’d like to make that very clear.

Continuing Howard’s one man campaign to get ‘Player scores goal and gets Red Card’ (which was greeted with initial scorn by the two other wise men) on the category list, Partick Thistle’s Stuart Bannigan and Shea Gordon both did this at the weekend, pretty much ensuing this will become a choice come the New Year. If it can be found a good name…

It’s fair to say Coventry City’s Fankaty Dabo has been a regular name in the reports for his new club. He was red-carded against Portsmouth earlier in the season and saw the Not Ricoh Arena outfit score two after his dismissal and draw 3-3. On Saturday the ex-Chelsea prospect took matters into his own with own goals on 85 and 94 minutes, securing a 3-3 draw for Oxford United, after the Bulls had fallen behind on 91. Turns out he’s not averse to an own goal, with this corker during his loan spell at Vitesse Arnhem [LINK]. Not so much a Make Ya Ma Proud as make your extended family proud?

An eventful debut for veteran defender Michael McGrath, who enjoyed a “Day Trip To Brighton” with the only goals in Kettering Town’s draw with Southport [EDIT: Surely this is too far down the football pyramid for us?].

And that’s your lot as your scribes were in London, Chester/London and their manor. I’ll let you, the viewer guess who was where, and who did what.

Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Sean Clare (Heart of Midlothian)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Jake Livermore (West Bromwich Albion)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)
Shaq Coulthirst (Barnet)
Tommy Rowe (Bristol City)

charlton02Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town)

Alex Iwobi (Everton)

Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Elliott Whitehouse (Grimsby Town)
James Hanson (Grimsby Town) x2
Joe Ironside (Macclesfield Town)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)


Season 7 Game 06 (Midweek Sports Special – 27-28 August)

THE ‘How Do I Live through the Lone Ranger’s Dog Days’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of LeAnn Rimes (37), Armie Hammer (33) and Florence Welch (33).

Barney: ‘I see Leicester Nirvana lost to Boston Town in the FA Cup qualifiers. Nevermind’
Chris: {Radio silence, possibly shocked by Atdhe ‘Big Dave’ Nuhiu’s late winner at Rotherham United}
Howard: ‘Will Grigg’s on fire, HELLFIRE…’ [Grigg’s Sunderland were on their way to the shock of the night by beating Premiership Burnley. Burnley are of course, managed by Satan.

In no way is this a cobbled-together edition, so this midweek skive-a-thon means no categories, but we do have some rubbish to bring to you, our beloved reader(ship)…

We must start (no we really must) at the Kassam Stadium, where Millwall conceded twice in the last 7 minutes against Oxford United, who are of course a division below The New Den outfit. A 94th minute penalty equaliser scored by Millwall old boy James Henry (There’s an undeniable “It Don’t Mean Nuthin'”) took the game to penalties, where the home team scored all four of their spot-kicks and the Championship outfit missed two of their efforts. Highly likely a “Fresh Hell” was uncorked by Lions heart-on-sleeve boss Neil Harris in away dressing room.

With both Crystal Palace and Norwich City also falling to lower league teams and Cardiff City being stuffed at home by Luton Town, you’d have been reasonably confident in a troika of “Fresh Hells” being delivered by Roy Hodgson, Daniel Farke and especially Neil Warnock. Alas, Hodgson doesn’t really do rage, Warnock sounded like he was thrilled to be out of the EFL cup but at least Farke summoned up some anger, though his ire was directly aimed at the officials rather than his players.

Happily, some teams are aware of their responsibilities. Crewe Alexandra 1-6 Aston Villa. We may struggle to find a more obvious case of Darwinism Incarnate for the rest of the season. EDIT: Or we may have to wait just 24 hours for Swansea City 6-0 Cambridge City.

Jake Jervis scored on a rare appearance for Luton Town. He’s now played for 14 clubs and the “Claridge Clock” is already being readied for the target man, who won’t turn 28 until next month.

Finally, Nottingham Forest v Derby County is known by a few other names, such as the Clough-Taylor Derby and the East Midlands Derby. Barney’s been to both cities in the past few weeks and will personally attest to this also being an Unpleasant Local Derby.

Danny Batth (Stoke City)

Alan Sheehan (Luton Town)
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Tom Nichols (Bristol Rovers)

Ezri Konsa (Aston Villa)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)

ArsenalAlex Iwobi (Everton)
Jack Wilshere (West Ham United)

Danny Batth (Stoke City)
Jose Baxter (Plymouth Argyle)
Matt Done (Rochdale)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)


Season 7 Game 05 (23-26 August)

THE ‘Hallelujah! Shirley Valentine’s A Killing Machine’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Alexandra Burke (31), Willy Russell (72) and the self-proclaimed ‘Stately Homo of British Metal’, Rob Halford (68).

Barney: ‘Maidenhead’s opener wipes the ‘Smile’ off Yeovil’s face’ [Josh Smile]
Chris: ‘Southend give Goodship a lollipop’ [Brandon Goodship]
Howard: ‘Who’s the goalscorer for Coventry? “Hyam”!’ [Dominic Hyam]

Is settling in nicely at their old abode and is already on friendly terms with many denizens of the second plane. It even managed to reacquaint itself with more occasional visitors to this part of the underworld, having wished good luck to Sean Dyche for the Sunderland game midweek. Oops.

Feeling peckish, the being repaired to the local takeaway, which is run by Genghis Khan. The proprietor of said establishment was eager for it to try some of the doner meat it had on the rotisserie as ‘There were another few million where that came from’ but the Dread Hand played safe and went with the Fish and Chips, not trusting this foreign stuff.

Not cooking for itself gave it plenty of time to fire out the bad vibes to Tyler Walker at Lincoln, James Vaughan at Bradford City and Britt Assombalonga at Middlesbrough. Another trifecta of blanks was resultant. It seems the sulphur is stronger down there [Note to ‘Pointless’ – it’s Sulphur not Sulfur!].

Quite a few red cards were issued, but none after mutual ‘wee bit of silliness’ from a player on either side. So it’s a blank.

Ricky Modeste is certainly a solid choice here as the Dagenham-born player has a few caps for Grenada. More of him in the category below. Whilst we’re on the subject of Dagenham, their left winger Joan Loque scored at the weekend, as did fellow Spaniard Urko Vera at Oldham Athletic.

Well, young Barney had confidently written Dover Athletic’s Ricky Modeste in here as he was convinced the winger had played for Sutton United previously. Like most things in life, he got that wrong (?!). But a quick bit of research reveals the prolific Lawrence Shankland had spent some time on loan at Dunfermline Athletic, for whom he against twice on Saturday for his new team, Dundee United.

Further study sees the prolific Shankland efforts being eclipsed by the less-prolific Ollie Palmer scoring twice for Crawley against former club Leyton Orient after coming off the bench.

Hamilton v Motherwell. Not sure if it’s that unpleasant there but the other options are Cheltenham v Swindon but that’s 43 driving miles. I suspicion Mr Quick would propose Watford v West Ham here too. I could also mention Charlton v Brentford but discretion over valour and all that…


Barney – called Hamilton Academicals v Motherwell, called at 0-2 on 21 min – Finished: 1-3 – FAILED!
– called Milton Keynes Dons v Peterborough United, called at 0-2 on 30 min – Finished: 0-4 – FAILED!
– called Ross County v Livingston, called at 0-3 on 26 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Barney reckons that the only true contender here was Harry Cornick of Luton Town, and that he didn’t need any other competition. But I also noticed Jack Taylor of Barnet, who sounds like he played for the Trojans in their legendary game as featured in The Arsenal Stadium Mystery.

Owls full-back Moses Odubajo is a pretty good player who is on the comeback trail after missing most of two seasons with injury. He is hoping to recapture the form that persuaded Hull City to lob £3.5m Brentford’s way in 2016. Giving away both penalties in Wednesday’s 2-1 defeat to Preston North End was not in the script, though it does certainly grade out as a “Make Ya Ma Proud”.

Veteran (ancient) midfielder Marc Laird made the news some years back for owning a pet with strange culinary habits: [LINK]. Laird has moved around a bit since then, with his last four clubs being Southend United, Tranmere Rovers, Yeovil Town and Edinburgh City strongly indicating his suitability for “And Stay Out!”.

Ollie Palmer’s brace for Crawley Town against Leyton Orient was mentioned above, but his truncated christian name also puts him squarely in the “You’re Not A Kid Anymore” bracket.

We have had occasion to comment on Joan Loque’s exploits for Dagenham and Redbridge earlier in this missive. It’s impressive to note the 27 year old’s current team marks his 12th port of call. Loque is quite the naturalised Brit, having 5 English clubs on his CV including such highspots as Heybridge Swifts and Concord Rangers. Whether or not they have the Claridge Clock in his native Catalonia is a moot point as he has certainly earned this accolade. He also could qualify (despite his nationality) also qualify as “Don’t Call Me Shirley”.

Lastly, but by no means least MIKE FONDOP-TALOM SCORED!!! But the MFT (as no-one other than Barney has ever called him) is usurped by the ever-welcome return of B Trialist scoring for Raith Rovers. I wonder what the B stands for. Brian?

Benik Afobe (Bristol City on loan from Stoke City) x2
Chris Maguire (Sunderland) x3
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Salford City)
Jacob Butterfield (Luton Town)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Michael Morrison (Reading)

Ben Turner (Notts County)
Conor Washington (Heart of Midlothian)
Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Jerome Binnom-Williams (Halifax Town)
Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Lee Angol (Leyton Orient)
Tom Nichols (Bristol Rovers)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Danny Hollands (Eastleigh) x2
Jordan Cook (Grimsby Town)
Josh Umerah (Ebbsfleet United)
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Morrison (Reading)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley) x2
Tobi Sho-Silva (Halifax Town)

Benik Afobe (Bristol City on loan from Stoke City) x2
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Ben Woodburn (Oxford United on loan from Liverpool)
Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town)
Chris Hussey (Cheltenham Town)
Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Conor Washington (Heart of Midlothian)
Elliott Whitehouse (Grimsby Town) o.g.
James Hanson (Grimsby Town)
Joe Ironside (Macclesfield Town)
Kyle Naughton (Swansea City)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)
Michael O’Halloran (St Johnstone)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Stefan Scougall (Carlisle United)