THE ‘No One’s Dark Materials made that Backside’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jess Glynne (30), Philip Pullman (73), and Kim Kardashian (39).
Howard: These were suspiciously absent from the week’s notes, so you know what that means. One made up on the spot…welll…you asked for it!
“Hester scores for Elgin City – that’s some fancy shootin’ from Kane” [nice Mastertronic reference for you, there]
Met a rather odd chap who went by the name of Talaat Pasha. Apropos of nothing, he bragged about throwing millions of people out of his house after he’d taken their money because they looked different, then came back a few minutes later and denied he’d ever done or said such a thing. Our sentinant compadre couldn’t help noticing the local decorator, Adolf was making himself a very good listener throughout this rather one-sided conversation.
Thanking its lucky stars Pasha didn’t think it looked Armenian, the Hand dropped some sinister knowledge on AFC Wimbledon’s Marcus Forss, Cambridge United’s Sam Smith [on loan from Reading] and Ipswich Town’s Kayden Jackson, garnering yet another clean sweep in the process.
This is a proper old struggle, Jamie Vardy maybe? Other than that I’m afraid it’s the usual ‘Lee’s’ and ‘Sam’s’ that don’t usually get past our online sentry.
Reece Grego-Cox (Queens Park Rangers-Woking-Crawley Town) may be in with a shot here as could Charlton Athletic’s Macauley Bonne (Woking-Leyton Orient-Charlton Athletic) but it’s fairly meagre fare.
Memo to BBC Sport: Swindon Town’s Eoin Doyle (9 clubs at 31) is NOT a ‘journeyman’ striker. Neither is Livingston’s Lee Miller (9 at 36). Leyton Orient’s James Alabi (12 at 24) most certainly is. Queen of the South captain Stephen Dobbie (12 at 36) may just qualify too.
Former Traffic multi-instrumentalist turned Burnley striker Chris Wood is a regular, but we can also look to James Brown sideman James Forrest who netted for Celtic. However, both of those have been dead for 30-odd years whilst piano whiz and Leyton Orient winger Josh Wright most certainly is not.
Declan McManus also managed to bang one in for Falkirk, while he wasn’t using his alias, Elvis Costello.
Barney – [no idea- thinking ‘C’, ‘B’ and ‘A’… but it’s just a guess] – FAILED!
Howard – called Gillingham v Peterborough United at 0-2 out of spite… on 54 min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!
Chris – [was drunk] FAILED!
Oxford United’s Matty Taylor (29) and Hibernian’s Stevie Mallan (23). Mallan was christened ‘Stephen’ Mallan but sort of has an excuse as his footballer dad is ‘Steven’ Mallan. So he’s called ‘Stevie’ Mallan to differentiate himself from his old man ‘Steven’ Mallan. Got that?
Dunfermline Athletic’s Lee Ashcroft scored at both ends against Ayr United. It’s a looooong way to travel from Fife to the English South Coast [unless you fly], so perhaps a Day Trip To Brighton should be extended to a weekend?
Gillingham boss Steve Evans had an ‘eventful’ season in charge of Peterborough United, so when the Gills faced Posh…no [all 67 pages of this rant are available from Steve Evans’ legal team!]…so when the Gills faced Posh there was some extra ingredients added to the encounter. Posh won 2-1 and many Peterborough fans said ‘It Don’t Mean Nuthin” at full-time.
Newport County are probably punching above their weight in League 2 and some of this is down to their fabulously irascible boss Mike Flynn who had a few things to say after their 2-1 win, that’s 2-1 WIN over Scunny-thorpey United-y:
‘I’m always delighted to get the three points, but we should’ve made it more comfortable than we did. It was a great finish by Josh Sheehan for the winner and he should get more goals. I’m always on to him that he doesn’t hit the target enough’
Would this constitute a Fresh Hell? The previous occasion such an award was given to a winning manager was…..[drum roll please]…. to Mike Flynn at Newport County…
Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Kieran Sadlier (Doncaster Rovers)
Lee Tomlin (Cardiff City)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient)
Karlan Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Terell Thomas (AFC Wimbledon)
Tarique Fosu (Oxford United)
Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra) x2
Conor Sammon (Falkirk)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)
THE ‘She’s Gone to Please Me in a Helicopter’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Daryl Hall (73) Cardi B (one for the Kidz – 27 – but what does it stand for ‘Cardi-gan’…”Cardi-ac’….’Cardi-mom’??) and Bloc Party’s Kele Okereke (probably chosen out of sheer desperation – 38).
Barney: ‘Raith’s Bowie scores, could be a hero, just for one day’ [Kieron Bowie]
Chris: [removed by Boris Johnson. Who says we can’t be topical? Oh, alright then, change it to Selwyn Lloyd]
Howard: ‘Posh’s Reed walked on the wild side and got a red card’ [Louis – Lou? – Reed]
Got chatting to Mary Ann Cotton at the bus stop the other day. They got along famously and the hand was invited back to Mrs Cotton’s for some tea and Lincoln biscuits. Oddly enough, almost all of her family retired complaining of stomach pains. ‘Must be something in the tea’, Mrs Cotton reflected as our friend beat a rapid retreat to the door.
Unusually happy to no longer have a digestive system, the decayed one had plenty of time to blank Tariqe Fosu at Oxford United, Liam McAlinden at Halifax Town and Lewis Alessandra at Morecambe. And blanked they were.
Quite a few to go with but Barney’s personal favourite is Mansfield Town’s Oladapo Afolayan, oh hang on, he’s born in Harrow. Okay, how about Bradford City’s Aramide Oteh? Nope, born in Lee [it was a surprise to Lee and his family]. Third time’s the charm with Southend United’s Timothee Dieng, born in Grenoble, France [he once played for Brest II. I still find this funny. Laugh, DAMNIT!]
Crawley Town take both gold and silver (not to mention anything else they can get) with Mason Enigbokan-Bloomfield and Reece Grego-Cox both scoring for the now-official Red Devils. Barnet’s Ephron Mason-Clarke nabs the bronze. All three were seen grinding their teeth at the latest Brexit reverse [hooray!]. Maybe.
Solihull Moors’ Danny Wright’s quite the regular goalscorer in the National League but he also doubles as an acclaimed American pianist and a British punk-pop guy who has clearly heard of Ash (EDIT: poor bugger!)… [LINK]
Hardy perennials Kurtis Guthrie (Stevenage) and Notts County’s Kristian Dennis. Barney was informed he was Chesterfield’s top scorer in their relegation season. And Notts County’s in their relegation season. There was no interest in his services during the offseason [is there any now??]. Can’t think why.
Always a difficult category to fill and will perhaps be replaced in the New Year once we can think of a replacement (likely to be the ‘scores and gets sent off one’ once we can decide on a catchier name – note that the aforementioned Lou(is) Reed achieved it this week, and, as Barney pointed out, so did Luton Town’s Conor Wilkinson).
Barney – called Scunthorpe United v Northampton Town at 3-0 on 31 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Howard – called Rochdale v Accrington Stanley at 2-0 on 48 min – Finished: 2-1 – FAILED!
Chris – called Mansfield Town v Oldham Athletic at 2-0 on 35 min – Finished: 6-1 – WE HAVE A WINNER! Congratulations to
Scunthorpe United’s Kevin Van Veen has been one of their better players since arriving from Dutch football a few years back. He’s in his second spell with The Iron having been transferred to Northampton Town on a three year deal in 2018. Well, that went face-down in a hurry and Van Veen was moved back to Scunny for rather less money this off-season [an elongated way of stating Van Veen’s goal against Northampton was a clear “It Don’t Mean Nuthin'”].
Two red cards in successive minutes, an own goal from your veteran [old] captain and a penalty conceded in a 6-1 gubbing by Mansfield Town total up to a thoroughly deserved and reasonably rare collective “Make Ya Ma Proud” for Oldham Athletic.
Barney’s suggestion for the ‘scored and get sent off’ category seems to be ‘The Category Without A Name’, or ‘TCWAN’. So far, I can only think of ‘1 Good, 1 Bad’ in a rip-off of MOTD2’s ‘humerous’ feature, which was good when Adrian Chiles (“ITV reject!!”) did it, but seems a little strained when others have had a go.
Finally, Macclesfield Town’s Arthur (Bertrand) Gnahoua’s scored on Saturday. After checking if he was a Local Boy Made Good (nope, London-born, but of French/Ivorian parentage) his Christian name is very much an Old School winner.
THE ‘Whole Lotta Rosie’s A Loose Woman Like Me’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Brian Johnson (72), Andrea McLean (50) and Leigh-Anne Pinnock (29 – she’s from Little Mix, if, like me, you had to ask).
Barney: [Forgot to write it down. Chris hoots in derision]
Chris: ‘Exeter’s Moxey bids Crewe ‘Auf Wiedersehen’ [Dean Moxey]
Howard: ‘Leeds defender red-carded – did Berardi go in ‘toohardi’ [Gaetano Berhardi]
Was doing a bit of window shopping, looking into buying a new washing machine from Mr Verwoerd’s White Goods store. After some time of umming and aahing it decided to make a purchase and was extremely surprised to be ushered out of the shop after it gave its delivery address as ‘From the Dark Side’
Vowing next time to go online, the being had plenty of spite to send to Jonson Clarke-Harris at Bristol Rovers, John Rooney at Barrow and Swansea City’s Borja Baston. Another three non-scorers to add to a (so far) impressive season.
Sam Clucas’ last four clubs are Chesterfield, Hull City, Swansea City and Stoke City. This would indicate a thorough knowledge of the nation’s motorway system. An alternative to this could be Brewers’ striker Liam Boyce, who netted twice on Saturday. His previous clubs are Cliftonville-Ross County and now Burton Albion, which absolutely makes the grade if we allow Northern Irish clubs in the category.
Preston North End 1-1 Barnsley at half-time. Preston 5-1 Barnsley at full-time. This would prove to be Daniel Stendahl’s swansong as the Tykes boss. Two years ago, the team were gutted in the off-season and they were relegated to League One. This off-season the team was gutted…
This could go to the Barnsley board in dismissing Stendel 48 hours after the Preston North End capitulation. But the vote goes to Peterborough United boss Darren Ferguson after the 3-3 draw against Wycombe Wanderers, who equalised with 10 men on the pitch.
“This is a disappointing result. There’s no getting away from that. We knew we were in for a tough game against a team who always go the final whistle, but I had enough quality and enough experience on the pitch to win that game.
We were in control. We scored two good goals in the first-half and we knew the next goal was crucial. Marcus Maddison went through and should have scored for 3-0 and the game would have been over, and then a catalogue of errors got them back into the game.
For their first goal we started off too deep from a free kick which meant Akinfenwa was heading at goal from closer than he should have been, but it still should have been saved.
The second goal should have been cleared with a left foot, but he went with his right and the third was dreadful. We missed a chance to clear the ball and then committed a foul for a clear penalty”
“We have to manage games better than that”
It’s not like Peterborough United to screw up defensively. Indeed it only ever happens when the ball is in Posh’s half.
In a week of surprise results (Wolverhapton Wanderers over Manchester City, Brighton & Hove Albion over Tottenham Hotspur, Rotherham United over Coventry City…etc. It may be seen as overkill but Preston North End (3rd) 5-1 (23rd) Barnsley can’t and won’t be ignored.
Barney – called Dumbarton v Forfar Athletic at 3-0 on 33 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard – called AFC Wimbledon v Rochdale at 3-0 on 29 min – Finished: 3-2 – FAILED!
Chris – called Raith Rovers v Falkirk, called at 0-2 on 16 min – Finished: 2-2 – FAILED!
‘Western Union and Liverpool FC are driven by a passion for bringing global communities together, whether through moving money or delivering excitement on the pitch’ or so it says in the blurb. Here Saturday goalscorer James Milner brokers a ceasefire between the Turks and Kurds by looking at some old pictures. [ Presents What’s In A Photo With LFC’s James Milner
Boring James Milner?! Not a chance! Western Union sat down with Liverpool FC’s vice-captain and took the versatile midfielder on a trip down memory lane (spoiler alert: the haircut really has always been the same!) Thought Milner was entertaining? Then stay tuned this December for upcoming What’s In A Photo episodes with LFC’s Xherdan …
Southend United’s caretaker manager Gary Waddock sent on striker Emile Acauah with the Shrimpers 2-1 down to Gillingham in the hope of changing the game. Acauah did just that, coming off the bench in the 55th minute and getting a second bookable in the 66th minute in an eventual 3-1 defeat. I feel this is proof the categories are decided before Saturday 3pm as this would’ve been perfect for a “Make Ya Ma Proud”.
Offrande Zanzala. Born in Brazzaville, DR Congo. Signed by Accrington Stanley from Derby County’s reserves. Scored on Saturday and thus is a “Local Boy Makes Good”.
Just the five divisions between Chesterfield and Eastleigh in 1999 you say? They played each other at the Proact Stadium in a sure-fire “Is It Cup Week?”. Chesterfield lost 1-2, despite the introduction of Mike Fondop-Talom on 72 mins.
Oh and finally David Goodwillie was serving a suspension for his red card a fortnight back. Clyde lost 0-2 at home to struggling Montrose. It would take a better man than Barney not to make a comment regarding the Bully Wee’s impotence without Goodwillie.
Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Karlan Ahearne-Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United) x2
Tarique Fosu (Oxford United)
THE ‘I Quit The Complicated Wimbledon Final’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of the Goss bros. (Matt and Luke) – 51, Avril Lavigne (35) and Simone Halep (28).
Barney: [nothing ventured]
Chris: [nothing gained]
Howard: “Kabongo Tshimanga scores – will they be drinking in the Congo?”. OR “Dundee’s 6th was scored by Logan Chalmers [who would qualify for Born in Burberry] – clearly they failed to stop Logan’s Run” (we may have had this before, but hey…).
Also worth noting Wiggy’s own Zinger (since we’re missing two anyway) – “Heaver’s scored….are they fighting like Heavers?” [Sean Heaver of Stirling Albion really, but this is a good reason for a repeat of Chris Kamara in action – LINK]
Decided its wardrobe was (rather like itself and Harry Redknapp’s teams in February) down to the bare bones and made haste to the local clothes shop to purchase some new threads. The proprietor, a Mr Bokassa, was in the process of re-naming the store ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’ though the Hand doubted anyone outside of this shop would ever call it that.
Slightly dismayed by the boss’ dictatorial attitude, the Hand put some ‘oomph’ into the jinxing of Chorley’s Chris Holroyd (who didn’t even make the team!), Euan East at Albion Rovers and Huddersfield Town’s Karlan Grant and nabbed a clean sweep of blanks.
If memory serves, we had a PAGGA! reported last week, so it follows there won’t be any this week and, lo and behold, there weren’t.
Two good examples at Sheffield Wednesday v Middlesboro – Adam Reach (6 goals in 63 games during his 5 year spell at the Riverside) and new Owls boss Garry Monk (manager for 26 games, whose six-month spell came to a surprise end with a 2-1 win at….Sheffield Wednesday!). Barney reports that Reach didn’t celebrate his goal, but after current Boro boss Jonathan Woodgate’s pre-match comments about his opposite number (“I hardly ever saw him and he wasn’t familiar around the players”) – we bet Garry Monk certainly did.
Also we must mention Jonson Clarke-Harris – 9 goals in 71 for Rotherham United, who scored for Bristol Rovers…at Rotherham. This turned out to be the only goal of the game.
Well…Milton Keynes Dons fans’ unrewarding away trip up to sunny Sunderland ended 2-1 to the hosts, but I think the winner looks like Portsmouth 1-0 Bolton Wanderers, which, at best was a 516-mile round trip approximately taking 8 hours 40 to see a game that narrowly avoided qualifying for the Paul Robinson category. Dedication. That’s what you need.
Barney also noted the Tranmere Rovers fans, who travelled just the 502 miles and 521 minutes there and back to witness a 4-1 loss. The Wirral’s finest bard (so some say), Half Man Half Biscuit’s Nigel Blackwell has written songs about less edifying efforts.
Barney – [nothing called] – FAILED!
Howard – called Oxford United v Gillingham at 3-0 on 34 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
Chris – called Sheffield United v Liverpool at 0-0, a few minutes before their early kick-off – Finished: 0-1 – FAILED!
At times of direst need, we turn to regular Fred Onyedinma of Wycombe Wanderers, briefly considering Paddy Madden of Fleetwood Town. But at the 11th hour, Wilfred Ndidi of Leicester City did Ndidi save the day (sorry). He’s a proper Wilfred, unlike Mr. Zaha.
“Fance a game of sho’happeny Fred?” “Aye, Wilf”.
The best appeared to be Barnet v Solihull Moors. Described in the BBC’s report as “an afternoon of few chances”, the stats made it Barnet – 10 shots (6 on target) to Solihull’s 2 (1 off, 1 on). The cheapest adult ticket is £15. Doesn’t that seem worth it? Even the £1 kids ticket seemed overpriced for this one. EDIT: Barney reckons it was just 6 shots in total (3 on target), but either way, I still fail to see how Barnet’s site managed to make 4 minutes and 54 seconds of highlights from it.
Two 40 year olds scored today – Kenny Miller and Kevin Ellison (well, he will be 40 in December – it’s close enough!). They will be talking about the war in the tunnel later, about ‘when it were all fields round ‘ere’, and then will be helped into their Invacar mobility cars by their grandchildren Kayden and Colby.
Despite having to get his finger drained *DON’T ASK*, Barney managed to note a couple of “You’re Not A Kid Anymore” in the shape of Luton Town’s Matty Pearson and Oxford United’s Matty Taylor.