Season 7 Game 19 (22-25 Nov)

THE ‘Big Yin is Lifted by the Caracas’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Billy Connolly (77), Tunde Baiyewu aka one half of the Lighthouse Family (51), Nicolas Maduro [the Venezuelan president] (57)

Nothing listed. So, you know the drill by now…
“Wigan Athletic could have done with some Morsy, but they only got the one” [Sam Morsy’s goal could not prevent a 2-1 loss to the accursed Stoke City. Shame.

It’s Gozie Ugwu at Ebbsfleet United, Kevin Van Veen at Scunthorpe United and Josh King at Bournemouth, all wondering if they’ll still be around for Christmas….

And over live to Hades for our final report – its a NO, YES (he will learn…!), and as for King, he doesn’t seem to have played since he scored in Norway’s 2-1 win over the mighty Malta. Scared, obviously, of the consequences should he do so…

What about a stirring team talk from the now-departed Marco Silva. Half-time, scoreless at home to Norwich. Should be easy, no? No. 0-2 loss. Ah. Expect I’ll be gannin’ doon the job club.

[there may be better examples, but if Barney can’t be bothered, neither can I]

There’s nothing like making things difficult for yourself, so not keeping a note of all the scorers this week is a bit of an error and means I will have to search for some lucky winner. Oh, wait a minute, how about the scorer of a brace in Accrington Stanley’s 7 (S E V E N) -1 win at Bolton Wanderers – Offrande Zanzala of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Yep, that’ll do.

It probably was hell at the final whistle in the game between Leyton Orient and Forest Green Rovers [it ended 2-4]. According to Orient’s caretaker boss Mark Embleton, Forest Green boss Mark Cooper called him “an imposter for Justin Edinburgh”. Embleton throwing his chewing gum back at his opposite number earned him a red card, and although he accepted the referee’s decision, he said later “My blood is still boiling.”

Tricky one without any notes but I offer you Crewe Alexandra 5-0 Morecambe. Morecambe are next to last [23rd] in League Two, and Crewe were 3rd at the time.

Barney – called [in sick] – FAILED!
– called Crewe Alexandra v Morecambe at 2-0 on 41 min – Finished:  – FAILED!
– [a flunky called in sick on his behalf] – FAILED!


Sometimes you wonder if you’re going to get this category fulfilled – then Carlisle United v Cambridge United comes along. ONE SHOT ON TARGET IN THE WHOLE GAME [13 in total, but all but one shot from the home side was like ‘Banjo’ and ‘Barn Door’. Somewhere Paul is clapping in his sleep. That’s ‘clapping’, not what you were thinking Barney.

If there had been a HiH operating betweeh 15-18 November [Barney referred this one to VAR and they said no. Eventually. Then ‘go look at the monitor’. Then ‘yes’. Then ‘no’. Then ‘ask Alan Hansen’] the results would have been as follows:

Sheffield Wednesday 2
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)

Sheffield United 2
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)

Arsenal 0 [yay!]

Peterborough United 1
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)

Charlton Athletic 4
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United) x2
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley)

Also, we had the Lesser-Spotted-PAGGA at the game between Scunthorpe United and Port Vale. It was 2-1 in the end (and 1 each in red cards, with Matty Lund and David Worrall for the opposition following each other down the tunnel and into the showers. Maybe…)

We also had all the Queens in the Scottish League Cup – Queen of the South v Queens Park at Palmerston Park. It finished 2-1 to the away side, and no, Lyndon Dykes did NOT score [he’s at Livingston]…

Danny Batth (Stoke City)
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Vadaine Oliver (Northampton Town)

Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Kgosi Ntlhe (Scunthorpe United)
Lee Tomlin (Cardiff City)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)

Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Scott Wagstaff (AFC Wimbledon)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Halifax Town)

Abu Ogogo (Bristol Rovers)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town) x3. Swine.

Conor Sammon (Falkirk) x2
Danny Batth (Stoke City)
Mark Yeates (AFC Fylde)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)



Season 7 Game 18 (8-11 November)

THE ‘Earl Of Grantham Spawns On Love Island’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Hugh Bonneville (56), ‘Spawn’ actor Michael Jai White (52) {he’s a superhero – it’s all about diversity & inclusion} and Caroline Flack (40) {not a superhero}.

Nothing was recorded, which means the inevitable made-up-on-the-spot nonsense: “Hedges scored – he likes being in the Box” [thanks Monty Don!].

Michael Moffat at Ayr United, Recco Hackett-Fairchild at Bromley and Jordan Hugill at Queen’s Park Rangers were all feeling the heat despite all this rain…

…And the results of the North Macedonian jury – YES, NO and NO. The power of the Hand seems to be returning, following its’ long weekend away in London (probably with that Myra woman It picked up at the local Hellfire club).

We were left with marginal calls such as Nicky Clark (Dundee United), Ashley Barnes (Burnley), Jordan Shipley (Coventry City), Ashley Nadesan (Crawley Town), Ashley Nathaniel-George (Crawley Town; do you have to be called Ashley to play for them?!), Nicky Maynard (Mansfield Town), Alex Samuel (Wycombe Wanderers) and Ashley Hunter (Fleetwood Town)…. until, that is, the welcome appearance of Tammy Abraham (Chelsea).

Olly Lee (Gillingham) Luton Town to Heart of Midlothian to Gillingham, Alex Fisher (Exeter City) Torquay United to Inverness Caledonian Thistle, Motherwell to Yeovil Town, and Nicky Maynard (Mansfield Town) Milton Keynes Dons to Aberdeen to Bury. I’m sure they were just needing a fresh challenge, and in no way was the club trying to send them as far away as possible.

This is a hard one to get and I can only find Jake Livermore, who scored the only goal of the game as West Bromwich Albion won away against his old club Hull City. BUT according to the Hull Daily Mail (LINK), he “still has a lot of love for Hull”. Booooooo….

A couple of maybes in Cole Stockton (Morecambe) and former Posh favourite Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh) and a cast-iron certainty in Nyal Bell (Stockport County, blood).

Blank this week due to “technical reasons”. May be filled in later, if Barney’s dog will return the missing notes.

Always a hard category to fill, but what about this from Tottingham’s Son Heung-Min? [LINK]. Yes, that’s what we thought: “WHAT?!”

During his extensive research (and definitely not whilst surfing for adult entertainment), Barney found this re-edited footballer’s profile on Wikipedia…

Mike Jones (Carlisle United)
Scored a 700mph goal from 65 yards top bins against Dulwich Hamlet. His stated countless amounts of times that his shot power is down to a consistent diet of warm Stella and Pork Scratchings. Changed his name to Gary Goals. He signed a new one-year contract in June 2019 worth £2 million a week.

Dulwich Hamlet’s Christian Smith scored a rare goal this saturday (the consolation goal in a heavy home defeat to Carlisle United [1-4]). He’s had a few clubs…20 in fact at current count. Is this a record, Norris?

Also, in searching for a Corporate Shill, I found this advert for Danepak starring former Manchester United goalkeeper Peter Schmeichel – (LINK). Possibly the best thing he’s ever done.

Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Michael Jones (Carlisle United)
Michael Morrison (Reading)
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)
Vadaine Oliver (Northampton Town) x2

Ben Turner (Notts County)
Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough) x2
Jake Livermore (West Bromwich Albion)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Liam Shephard (Forest Green Rovers)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Scott Rendell (Eastleigh)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Michael Morrison (Reading)
Morgan Fox (Sheffield Wednesday)
Sullay Kaikai (Blackpool)

Josh Dasilva (Brentford)

Callum McFadzean (Plymouth Argyle)
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town)
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle) x2
Steve Davies (Hamilton Academical)



Season 7 Game 17 (1-4 November)

THE ‘By The Way, I’m Blackballed by the Conners’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Anthony Kiedis (57), Colin Kaepernick (33) [he plays American Football, apparently], Roseanne Barr (67).

Well, there was nothing recorded…soooo…. you know the punishment:
Howard: “Aapo certainly did some Halme to the opposition net” [he scored in their 2-2 draw with Bristol City in the contractual-obligation friday night game]

The Dread Hand of Barney this week chose to haunt Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang at Arsenal [thanks, Barney – no wonder we couldn’t beat Wolves/The Chinese Government!], Isaac Layne at Dumbarton and er…er…Ivan Toney at Peterborough United…
And (somewhat late), here are the results of the Moldovan jury…it’s a YES, NO and YES. Maybe Barney’s Mojo was also at the Clarendon Hotel. [Other hotels in South East London are also available]

This category was playing hard to get, which is unusual for Brighton. Allegedly.

It’s a roll call for:
James Ward-Prowse (Southampton)
Rushian Hepburn-Murphy (Tranmere Rovers) x3
Omari Sterling-James (Mansfield Town)
AJ Leitch-Smith (Morecambe)
Hal Robson-Kanu (West Bromwich Albion)… although I have my doubts whether
Salim Kouider-Aissa (Queen’s Park) would be allowed in, not with a name like that.

Cheltenham Town v Forest Green Rovers [1-2] fits the ‘derby’ criteria, as it is about 20 miles from ground to ground, but the jury is out as to whether it is unpleasant or not. Bolton Wanderers v Fleetwood Town fits all criteria though it is twice as far between the clubs (approx 42 miles to drive, 40 for the enthusiastic walker).

The best I could find were Morecambe v Fleetwood (1-0), beaten only by Sunderland v Southend United, which is approx 290 mile/4 hr 53 min each way road journey.

Barney – called Elgin City v Arbroath at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– called West Ham United v Newcastle United at 0-3 on 57 min – Finished: 2-3!! – FAILED!
– called Sheffield United (out of spite) v Burnley at 3-0 on 45 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED (BUT AS IT STOPPED THE SCORING, IT WORKED)!

Victor Adeboyejo of Bristol Rovers and Harry McKirdy of Carlisle United were the best that the Darby and Joan club could rustle up at short notice.

There was an agreed ‘Fresh Hell’ in the shape of Sheffield United v Burnley. At 3-0, the away side felt the full force of hellfire.

Callum McManaman (Luton Town)
Chris O’Grady (Bolton Wanderers)
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Jimmy Smith (Yeovil Town on loan from Crawley Town)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Rolando Aarons (Wycombe Wanderers on loan from Newcastle United)

Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Kieran Sadlier (Doncaster Rovers)
Kwesi Appiah (AFC Wimbledon)
Luuuuuuuuuke James (Hartlepool United)
Scott Rendell (Eastleigh) x3

charlton02Ben Reeves (Milton Keynes Dons)
Jonjo Shelvey (Newcastle United)
Karlan Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Luke Varney (Cheltenham Town)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)

A blank!

Chris O’Grady (Bolton Wanderers)
Kyle Walker (Manchester City)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nathan Dyer (Swansea City)
Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)


Season 7 Game 16 (25-28 October)

THE ‘Lost Girls in The Shadows of the White House’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Bat For Lashes AKA Natasha Khan (40), Hank Marvin (78), and Hillary Clinton (71).

Barney: ‘Maupay scores for Brighton – give that man a pay rise’ (More Pay…Maupay…get it…? No…?) [Neil Maupay]
Chris: ‘Hull City go 2-0 up against Derby County, sending Cocu nuts’ [Philip Cocu]
Howard: ‘Woking’s striker scores in 95th minute, will Eastleigh be the ‘Loza’?’ [Jamar Loza]

Had it’s enjoyment of the film Once Upon A Time In Hollywood somewhat stalled by the fellow in the seat behind it sighing, shaking his head and tutting throughout. One visit from the usher seemed to calm the situation and indeed, the hand discussed the film afterwards with its fellow cinemagoer, who queried its realism.

Declining an invitation from the chap, a Mr Manson, to meet his family, the spectral one instead sped home to land psychic hammers on Oxford United’s Taylor, Chelsea’s Tammy Abraham and Falkirk’s Connor Sammon. A successful week for the daemonic being, who notched up yet another blanking.

Either Lucas Digne’s last-minute own goal that gave Brighton & Hove Albion three points against Everton, or a collective familial show of pride for Southampton’s ‘Dry Wyngarde’ against Leicester City are the contenders for the rosette. It has to be the latter, largely because I get to type ‘Dry Wyngarde’ and that doesn’t happen often enough.

No on-field ‘Rammy’s’ [is this even a word?] were to be seen in top 5 divisions. Ho hum…

Paul McGowan of Dundee. Nile Ranger needs this man’s lawyer. [LINK] – or see below:

Dundee FC releases statement after Paul McGowan sentenced for nightclub assault – Paul McGowan dodged jail having admitted spitting on a bouncer during a drunken nightclub rammy…dodges jail for FIFTH time  …

Having read the opening paragraph of the above story, is ‘rammy’ the new ‘pagga’?

Fort William’s struggle to stay afloat and be a legitimate Highland League club have received a fair bit of attention from the Fourth Estate [the Jeffrey Archer novel?]. Their 1-1 away draw versus Scottish League Two Albion Rovers was greeted with near disbelief by all observers. Some got rather ahead of themselves and thought the replay at Claggan Park could mean the unthinkable – a home win against higher opposition. Or sheep.

Final score – Fort William 0-5 Albion Rovers and you know what you can do with the ‘romance of the Cup’ nonsense, said the Coatbridge Stadium outfit.

Barney – called Southampton v Leicester City, called at 0-3 on 19 min – Finished: 0-9 – GUBBED! AND THEN SOME…
– called Torquay United v Barrow, called at 3-1 on 55 min – Finished: 4-2- FAILED!
– called Crawley Town v Swindon Town, called at 0-3 on 73 min – Finished: 0-4- FAILED!

Brighton & Hove Albion v Everton. 20 years back Brighton needed a last-minute equaliser against Hereford United to avoid relegation to the Conference and were in League Two and playing at Gillingham. Everton weren’t. Fast forward to the present day and Brighton have a top-drawer stadium and Everton don’t. 30,528 and Des Lynam saw a 3-2 home win courtesy of a late own goal. Big disappointment for Everton’s financial backer, whomever he may be…

A trio (TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIO!!!) of Where’s Russell?’s to open up with. Stranraer fans travelling in a Transit van across Scotland to Montrose to watch their team lose 2-1. 393 miles there-and-back and a round 8 hours of travelling for the intrepid Stair Park regulars.

Morpeth Town 6-1 Cleethorpes in the FA Cup qualifying round. That’s a 356 mile round trip lasting 6 hrs 14 mins all told.

The above two are noble efforts but Torquay United 4-2 Barrow is an away trip lasting 706 driving miles and just the 12 hrs and 28 mins. Could be the longest journey we’ll see this season.

While we’re on the subject of travelling, Exeter City’s centre-back Tom Parkes last three clubs are Bristol Rovers, Carlisle United and now Exeter City. And Stay Out!!!? 100%

Keith 7-1 Strathspey Thistle. What, one bloke scored 7 goals against an entire team Ahahahhahaha! {I think Jeff ‘Wiggy’ Stelling has done this gag]?

No, Keith scored four as Keith captain Cameron Keith indulged in a one man ‘good seeing to’. Multiple goals are not an uncommon occurrence for Cameron Keith as he racked up the fabled One Man Gub against (of course!) Fort William in an 11-0 home win.

We have mentioned the Torquay United v Barrow game previously, but Armani Little scored twice for the Devon Gulls whilst Dior Angus netted for the Holker Street team. Two obvious Born Under Burberry types in the same game? Indeed. Goalscoring never goes out of fashion…

Finally, a bunch of players were enquiring Are You My Fag? Including Tariqe Fosu-Henry, Karlan Ahearne-Grant [who seems to be hiding this, calling himself Karlan Grant now…BUT WE KNOW THE TRUTH], Regan Charles-Cook and Reeco [REECO?!?] Hackett-Fairchild all of whom are ex-Addicks. Is SE7 an Eton outreach? No, trust me on this, it’s not.

Chris is hiding them in a van. BLANK!

Jason Cummings (Shrewsbury Town)
Scott Rendell (Eastleigh)

charlton02Declan Rudd (Preston North End) o.g.
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient)
Karlan Grant (Huddersfield Town)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley)
Regan Charles-Cook (Gillingham)
Tarique Fosu (Oxford United)

ArsenalJosh Rees (Bromley)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Andy Taylor (AFC Fylde)
Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town)
Connor Brown (Barrow)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Matt Phillips (West Bromwich Albion)
Nicky Law (Exeter City) x2
Steve Davies (Hamilton Academical)