THE ‘Big Yin is Lifted by the Caracas’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Billy Connolly (77), Tunde Baiyewu aka one half of the Lighthouse Family (51), Nicolas Maduro [the Venezuelan president] (57)

Nothing listed. So, you know the drill by now…
“Wigan Athletic could have done with some Morsy, but they only got the one” [Sam Morsy’s goal could not prevent a 2-1 loss to the accursed Stoke City. Shame.
It’s Gozie Ugwu at Ebbsfleet United, Kevin Van Veen at Scunthorpe United and Josh King at Bournemouth, all wondering if they’ll still be around for Christmas….
And over live to Hades for our final report – its a NO, YES (he will learn…!), and as for King, he doesn’t seem to have played since he scored in Norway’s 2-1 win over the mighty Malta. Scared, obviously, of the consequences should he do so…
What about a stirring team talk from the now-departed Marco Silva. Half-time, scoreless at home to Norwich. Should be easy, no? No. 0-2 loss. Ah. Expect I’ll be gannin’ doon the job club.
[there may be better examples, but if Barney can’t be bothered, neither can I]
There’s nothing like making things difficult for yourself, so not keeping a note of all the scorers this week is a bit of an error and means I will have to search for some lucky winner. Oh, wait a minute, how about the scorer of a brace in Accrington Stanley’s 7 (S E V E N) -1 win at Bolton Wanderers – Offrande Zanzala of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Yep, that’ll do.
It probably was hell at the final whistle in the game between Leyton Orient and Forest Green Rovers [it ended 2-4]. According to Orient’s caretaker boss Mark Embleton, Forest Green boss Mark Cooper called him “an imposter for Justin Edinburgh”. Embleton throwing his chewing gum back at his opposite number earned him a red card, and although he accepted the referee’s decision, he said later “My blood is still boiling.”
Tricky one without any notes but I offer you Crewe Alexandra 5-0 Morecambe. Morecambe are next to last [23rd] in League Two, and Crewe were 3rd at the time.
Barney – called [in sick] – FAILED!
Howard – called Crewe Alexandra v Morecambe at 2-0 on 41 min – Finished: – FAILED!
Chris – [a flunky called in sick on his behalf] – FAILED!
Sometimes you wonder if you’re going to get this category fulfilled – then Carlisle United v Cambridge United comes along. ONE SHOT ON TARGET IN THE WHOLE GAME [13 in total, but all but one shot from the home side was like ‘Banjo’ and ‘Barn Door’. Somewhere Paul is clapping in his sleep. That’s ‘clapping’, not what you were thinking Barney.

If there had been a HiH operating betweeh 15-18 November [Barney referred this one to VAR and they said no. Eventually. Then ‘go look at the monitor’. Then ‘yes’. Then ‘no’. Then ‘ask Alan Hansen’] the results would have been as follows:
Sheffield Wednesday 2
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)
Sheffield United 2
Chris Porter (Crewe Alexandra)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Arsenal 0 [yay!]
Peterborough United 1
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Charlton Athletic 4
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Myles Weston (Ebbsfleet United) x2
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley)
Also, we had the Lesser-Spotted-PAGGA at the game between Scunthorpe United and Port Vale. It was 2-1 in the end (and 1 each in red cards, with Matty Lund and David Worrall for the opposition following each other down the tunnel and into the showers. Maybe…)
We also had all the Queens in the Scottish League Cup – Queen of the South v Queens Park at Palmerston Park. It finished 2-1 to the away side, and no, Lyndon Dykes did NOT score [he’s at Livingston]…


Danny Batth (Stoke City)
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Reda Johnson (Eastleigh)
Vadaine Oliver (Northampton Town)

Gwion Edwards (Ipswich Town)
Kgosi Ntlhe (Scunthorpe United)
Lee Tomlin (Cardiff City)
Matt Stevens (Forest Green Rovers)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)

Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Scott Wagstaff (AFC Wimbledon)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Halifax Town)

Abu Ogogo (Bristol Rovers)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town) x3. Swine.

Conor Sammon (Falkirk) x2
Danny Batth (Stoke City)
Mark Yeates (AFC Fylde)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing (Cardiff City)

THAT RARE THING – A THREE WAY TIE (POSH, BLADES AND OWLS)
SPARE SOME CHANGE? IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE!