Season 7 Game 27 (3-6 January)

THE “I was just pASsing by the kitchen and engine room” HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Arthur Bostrom (64), Nigella Lawson (60) and James Milner (34 but looking 75).


Barney: “Preston North End have no Idah what’s hit them” [Adam Idah scores hat-trick on his debut]
Chris: “Cuddihy stay on the pitch? Not for long as it turns out!” [Barry Cuddihy, Clyde’s right-back red carded on 14 min]
Howard: “Maidenhead got a bum steer as their left-back was red carded” [Rene Steer]

Michael Smith (Rotherham United)-see later on, who defied the Dark Powers, Matt Godden (Coventry City) who didn’t and Nicky Maynard at Coventry City, who also got nothing.

Where’s Tammy Abraham when you need him? All we were left with this time were definite-maybes such as Sam Baldock Reading, Beryly Lubala Crawley Town, and Jordans Tunnicliffe (Crawley Town, o.g.), Allan (Stranraer), and Hugill (Queen’s Park Rangers). Could do better!

In the cup – Oxford United 0-1 Hartlepool United, to 4-1. Dave Challinor’s half time team talk obviously inspired “the boys” to glory. Or not. Wiggy has to deal with a sea of emotion at full-time.

It is looking like a No. Or like Christmas. YOU decide…

Michael Smith of Rotherham United (OR a pro-Trump gospel singer who played at his inaguaration), and Falkirk’s Declan McManus, which needs no further explanation. Or, given the fact that two Millennials on Pointless didn’t know Ceefax, who knows. Come on – “Page the Oracle?”…no? Barney will be remonstrating.

Or the exact opposite of Scunthorpe United v Plymouth Argyle! Well, this is always a difficult choice, but I offer Liverpool v Everton, which the home side fluked 1 nil (although if they lost it would have been the fault of South Yorkshire Police). It seems VAR only works by the Mersey now that the Premiership title is heading to the North West.

Barney – called Barrow v Ebbsfleet United at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished: 7-0!!!!!!! [More on this below] – GUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!
Howard
– called Sunderland v Lincoln City at 3-0 on 28 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Albion Rovers v Stirling Albion at 2-0 on 34 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!


Nigel Pearson’s Watford were 3 up on lowly Tranmere Rovers – and finished 3 all after the “PLUCKY” Wirral outfit mounted an unlikely comeback. This game also featured Watford’s Roberto Peryrya scoring and being sent off in our “Category Without A Name”

Ebbsfleet United’s Jack King was sent off when his side was 1 down to Barrow. They then went on to concede a further SIX. Additonally, this was his 3rd red card of the season (and second for violent conduct).  Barney wants this to be Esprit d’Hurlock but the jury (something King ought to be familiar with) is out.

 


Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Ross Barkley (Chelsea)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town)


Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kyle Vassell (Rotherham United)
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City) o.g.
Nicky Ajose (Exeter City)

charlton02
Conor McAleny (Fleetwood Town)
Harry Arter (Fulham on loan from Bournemouth)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Leon Clarke (Sheffield United)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Nicky Ajose (Exeter City)
Tarique Fosu (Oxford United)

ArsenalDaniel Crowley (Birmingham City)


Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)


IT’S A CHARLTON TRIUMPH (WHICH SHOULD BE A SONG BY MADNESS)

Season 7 Game 26 (New Years Day & 2 Jan 2020)

THE ‘From the Office to the Distillers to the injury list’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Lucy Davis (47), Brody Dalle [EDIT: WHO?! Brody Hell, more like] (41) and Jack Wilshere (28). [Apparently Brody’s in The Distillers. Warning: It could be a Band That Barney Likes].


Barney: “Lambe will be grilled by FA after back to back red cards” [AKA Reginald Everard Vibart Thompson-Lambe of Cambridge United]
Chris: [nothing recorded]
Howard: [Tyrone] “Barnett has made things hairy for Eastleigh” or “Tanner has ‘leathered’ it” [Craig Tanner of Aldershot Town]

Bobby [he’s Not A Kid Anymore – and his middle name’s ‘Armani’] Decordova-Reid at Fulham, Morgan Ferrier at Tranmere Rovers and Paddy Madden at Fleetwood Town are about to have an un-Happy New Year…

I don’t think Barney will thank us for this one, but I found a perfect fit for this Category in Peterborough United’s Siriki Dembele. With the scores at 1-1, Dembele got a straight red card for headbutting Lincoln City’s Joe Morrell in what theposh.com called “a moment of madness”. Posh went on to lose 2-1.


Following on from the above Category, Posh manager Darren Ferguson probably had his own ‘moment of madness’ in the dressing room. Yes, alright, we’re at least a month behind in the HiH and things were getting desperate…

This was quite a difficult one, and there is absolutely *NO* gloating involved here, but it turns out that between Old Trafford and the Emirates Stadium there are 408 driving miles (7hr 50min). It’s probably a reflection of how bad they were rather than the new-manager luck, but Red Devils fans had to trudge all that way to see their team get nothing. It is a shame.

Barney – called West Ham United v Bournemouth at 3-0 on 39 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Crewe Alexandra v Carlisle United at 4-1 on 68 min – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– [We’re not saying it’s a conspiracy, but there isn’t anything recorded here] – FAILED!

It’s not THAT long ago is it, that Bradford City were in the Premier League? Actually it is twenty years (!) since their two year stint – and they kicked off this year at home to Morecambe. How time flies.


We would have had a winner in our Category Without A Name – Nigel Atangana of Exeter City, who scored then ‘got a bit excited’ and earned himself an early bath. Fortunately for him, his goal was the only one of the game in a tight away win over Forest Green Rovers. Unfortunately, I put this bit here, as we currently have no name/picture for this damn thing. Yet.

Although we were a little light on the Zinger front. Sky’s pundits weighed in with a few: [Cedric Kipre scores] – Jeff Stelling (aka Wiggy) says “Birmingham City have been done up like a Kipre”, while in Bolton Wanderers’ game with Burton Albion, JOHN GWYNNE remarked “Bolton’s chances have gone for a Burton” – possibly referring to Bolton midfielder Luke Murphy’s dismissal shortly after Burton made it 3-2 to the away side. Burton eventually won 4-3.

Something else was West Bromwich Albion’s Semi Ajayi managed to do a ‘Brigton’ in their game with Leeds United [“a top of the table clash, Brian”]. Naturally this was good news for the Arsenal and Charlton Athletic representatives here (but not fatal, as we only got 4 and 6 respectively).


Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Connor Wickham (Crystal Palace)
Danny Batth (Stoke City) o.g.
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Jacques Maghoma (Birmingham City)


Harry Beautyman (Sutton United) x2
Jack Marriott (Derby County)
Kieran Agard (Milton Keynes Dons)
Matty Godden (Coventry City) x3
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

charlton02
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Joe Dodoo (Bolton Wanderers)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion) x2 [1 was o.g.]

Arsenal
Josh Rees (Bromley)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion) x2 [1 was o.g.]

Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town)
Danny Batth (Stoke City) o.g.
Joe Ironside (Macclesfield Town)
Jon Stead (Harrogate Town)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)

THE RESULT CANNOT BE BURIED – ANOTHER POSH WIN!

Season 7 Game 25 (28-31 Dec)

THE ‘Frank Lucas and Jean Brodie find Love In The Future’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Denzel Washington (65), Dame Maggie Smith (85) and John Legend (41).


Howard: Well, there is nothing mentioned – indeed the notes (if Barney will ever release them from their papery hell) probably have some massive gaps. But we are blank here, so you know the punishment/’prize’.

This time, The Hand alighted upon Omar Bugiel at Sutton United, Dale Carrick at Airdreonians and {Barney sighs} Mohammed Eisa at Peterborough United showing that the New Year is but an irrelevance.

Bugiel in his previous two games had scored five goals…so he was not even in the squad for the next one. Dale Carrick forgot he was being watched over by our spectral entity and scored a penalty to equalise and earn his side a draw with Falkirk. The curse was back in force with Mo Eisa though, as The Posh got a Good Seeing-to (4-0) from league leaders Rotherham United [not often you can write that!] including not one but two own goals!

Maybe in Barney’s buried notes there may be something to fill this space, but as they are harder to find than Spangles, this will remain a blank for now. Maybe Birmingham City’s stoppage time own goal by Wes Harding’s may qualify, as it settled a 9-goal ‘thriller’ in favour of the visitors Leeds United.

On other game-weeks, yes, but now – nooo. Going well so far, innit?

Barney’s not going to like this one but how’s about Peterborough United in their top-half of the table clash at Rotherham United. Nil-nil at the break, Posh had a collapse that the England Cricket Team would be proud of (can we have a team-wide Make Ya Ma Proud??) conceding TWO own goals, and getting a Good Seeing-To in the process. Cue the applause.

I can never find anything for this and as stated, Barney’s notes are like Boris Johnson’s trust rating (non-existent). So its a blank.

Barney – called Oldham Athletic v Salford City at 0-2 on 44 min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!
Howard
  and Chris – have nothing recorded (It’s a fix!) so, unless Barney can supply anthing at a later date – FAILED!

Thin pickings here (wasn’t he in Doctor Strangelove?) – with only these youngwhippersnappers – Jamie Reid (Torquay United) and Matty Godden (Coventry City’s Hat-trick Hero). Now get on and do your homework!

Like a lot of the Categories in this edition, there’s not a lot to add here. Were it not that it had been mentioned, we could have banged on about Posh’s two own goals in their defeat, so we can’t put that in…can we?


Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United) xOG!
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town)

Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Harry Beautyman (Sutton United)
Harry Toffolo (Lincoln City) o.g.
Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Kyle Vassell (Rotherham United) – COUNTS DOUBLE [Barney – this is the second time in a row!]
Matty Godden (Coventry City) x3
Michael Bostwick (Lincoln City)
Tyler Denton (Stevenage) o.g.
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)
Kyle Cassell counts double for posh

charlton02
Danny Hollands (Eastleigh)
Harry Pell (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Lee Novak (Scunthorpe United)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

ArsenalJosh Rees (Bromley)
Luke Ayling (Leeds United)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Callum Semple (Queen of the South)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton) x2
Jon Stead (Harrogate Town)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)


MASSIVE WIN FOR THE POSH!

Season 7 Game 24 (Boxing Day 2019)

THE ‘Mama Said Winter Is Coming over Emmerdale’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the festive birthdays of Lars Ulrich (“ROCK!”) 56, Christopher Catesby “Kit” Harington (34) and Roxanne Pallett [Chris???] (37).


Barney: “Legge’s goal ‘hands’ the three points to Port Vale?” [Leon Legge]
Chris: [radio silence on this]
Howard: “Elliot scored a hat trick. Will he Phone Home about it?” (Elliot Osborne of Stockport County)

Barnsley’s Conor Chaplin, Oxford United’s James Henry and Paul McCallum at Solihull Moors were hoping the hand was still picking the bones of its’ Christmas sacrifice…

…and as it turns out, Barney’s prediction was right. All three blanked!

The closest available option was Derby County’s Martyn Waghorn, but he’s only on his 9th club – not nearly enough!

Always a difficult one to find but how’s about this one then (guys and gals) – Swindon Town v Cambridge United. This was top versus twelfth… and ended up with the home side giving the U’s a “Damn Good Seeing-to” (4-0). Textbook.

The North-West usually comes to the rescue when we need to fill this Category. Here, we find Salford City v Crewe Alexandra which according to online sources is 39.2 driving miles between the two grounds. Salford won 3-1, if anyone was interested (the rest of us just got out of town – and fast!)

Barney reckoned that Middlesbrough’s “pacey right-back” [their words] Djed Spence ran away with this category. I’m not sure, especially when his full name is revealed to be Diop Tehuti Djed-Hotep Spence. Other candidates found were Mason Greenwood (Manchester United), Macauley Bonne (Charlton Athletic) and Zak Rudden (Plymouth Argyle, on loan from Rangers).

Barney – called Wrexham v Chorley at 2-0 on 19 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Brentford v Swansea City at 2-0 on 29 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Swindon Town v Cambridge United at 3-0 on 64 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Ahh… the worst of the worst. In this case, Ipswich Town v Gillingham. Just over twenty-two THOUSAND poor souls were subjected to this torture. The home side managed NO SHOTS ON GOAL (and only three in total), with the away side faring slightly better (3 on, 5 off). No Christmas cheer there!


Lars Ulrich’s birthday is only the second “ROCK!” Birthday of the day. All rise for the mighty Paul ‘Quinnnnnnnyyyy’ Quinn’s 68th.

And we hand the microphone over to Barney via time and space back to this moment earlier on: “FONDOP-TALOM!!!! 43 seconds!!!”. That’s all you need to know. It’s like John Gwynne but without the fixation with pies.

40-year old Aaron Wilbraham managed to a rare ‘Brighton’ [SEE OUR CATEGORIES LIST FOR FURTHER EXPLANATIONS-LINK], but went one better by scoring two and one. Fortunately for him, the ‘two’ were at the right end. [EDIT: this was later amended to credit Kyle Dempsey rather than a Wilbraham own goal. Curses – robbed by VAR!]

Further vital information on Djed Spence – apparently his manager Jonathan Woodgate invited him for Christmas dinner, as he was worried about the defender spending the big day alone, having moved up from that there London to the North East. Awww. In any event, the offer was declined, but Spence repaid his manager’s kind thought with a Boxing Day goal [his first in senior football] and an instagram snap (of the dinner, not what you were thinking, Barney!). Full story here in the Northern Echo [LINK].

Our last item of news (as The Two Ronnies used to say) is somewhat random, and for once not football related. Whilst trying to recover this from the bits and pieces still in existence online, I overheard this conversation between two blokes in the pub – “all the people who wear corduroy are either artists or puffs, which are you?” – “well, i’m not very good at drawing!”. It’s funnier than “2 Good 2 Bad”, so it’s going in.


Joe Mattock (Rotherham United)
Ryan Croasdale (AFC Fylde)
Will De Havilland (Dover Athletic)


Jonson Clarke-Harris (Bristol Rovers)
Kieran Sadlier (Doncaster Rovers) x2 – counting DOUBLE against his old club. Ha. Merry Christmas!
Kyle Dempsey (Fleetwood Town)

charlton02Harry Pell (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Martyn Waghorn (Derby County)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Morgan Fox (Sheffield Wednesday)

ArsenalA festive blank!

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Joe Ironside (Macclesfield Town)
Joe Mattock (Rotherham United)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Lloyd Kerry (Harrogate Town)
Sam Vokes (Stoke City)


A BOXING DAY TRIUMPH FOR THE BLADES!

Season 7 Game 23 (20-23 December)

THE ‘24 Snakes On A Plane? No.’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kiefer Sutherland (53), Samuel L Jackson (71) and Meghan Trainor (26).


Barney: ‘Livvi’s Lamie hobbles Ross County with the opener’ [Ricki Lamie]
Chris: [Zinger destroyed in a freak shredding accident]
Howard: ‘Newby scores for Chorley – that’s not his first’ [Alex Newby]

Looks forward to this time of the year as all the merriment and alcohol makes the humans more amenable to conversion to the Dark Side. The festive spirit did not extend towards Brentford’s Bryan Mbueno [he scored the game before and after this one], Millwall’s Tom Bradshaw [also scored the game before but not here] and Notts County’s Dennis [scored the game after this one].

Dundee United’s Sam Stanton is a ‘possible’ as is his fellow Arab (steady now, you’ll alarm those new MPs) Nicky Clark (Barney is referring to United’s nickname…or one of them at least), plus Nicky Cadden (Greenock Morton) and Ashley Fletcher of Middlesbrough.

We hope Stevenage defender Scott Cuthbert enjoyed his trip to the south coast. The Scottish central defender scored the home team’s only goal of the day on 84 minutes against Crewe Alexandra. Regrettably, he also racked up an own goal 14 minutes earlier, which was Crewe’s final goal…of five.

Swindon Town’s boss Richie Wellens has overseen quite the revival of the Wiltshire outfit, fueled almost entirely by the goals of Eoin Doyle. The Irishman scored twice to give The Robins a 2-0 lead at Forest Green Rovers. Wellens’ exhortations (!) at the break saw the Nailsworth team score two from the unlikely source of left-back Joe Mills and secure a point.

Perhaps this comeback can be explained by the vegan-only food available at the New Lawn. The home side certainly had the wind behind them in the second half, that’s for sure…

Rushian Hepburn-Murphy at Tranmere Rovers, Nathaniel Knight-Percival at Carlisle United and Keane Lewis-Potter at Hull City (Law Firm – who said that?) [censored] were all celebrating their unexpected election to former coal-dominated constituencies and cancelling all surgeries after about five minutes in the job…

Barney – called Stevenage v Crewe Alexandra, called at 0-2 on 44 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
Howard
– called Sutton United v Wrexham, called at 3-0 on 68 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
Chris
– called Cambridge United v  Leyton Orient, called at 0-3 on 45 min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!

 

Jamie Vardy scored so there’s this [LINK]:

But here’s veteran midfielder Lucas Akins (far left) doing the honours for Burton Albion’s new sponsors. That’s a very corporate grin from Akins, though his team-mate and vice-captain Jake Buxton can’t help but show his true feelings. [LINK]


Firstly there is this – two extremely scary mascots. Could this be a new Category? [LINK]

There is also the small matter of a “PAGGA!” between Carlisle United’s Bermudan midfielder Reggie Lambe and Leyton Orient’s not-Bermudan full-back Myles Judd. Both were given second yellow cards after the ‘handbags’ and got into the showers (NOT together we hope) five minutes before the end of the match.


Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Daryl Murphy (Bolton Wanderers)
Josh Onomah (Fulham)
Lucas Joao (Reading)


Jon Taylor (Doncaster Rovers)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Carlisle United) o.g.
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

charlton02
Brandon Hanlan (Gillingham)
Callum Harriott (Colchester United)
Harry Lennon (Southend United)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Joe Dodoo (Bolton Wanderers)
Josh Wright (Leyton Orient)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)

Arsenal
Cohen Bramall (Colchester United)


Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Ched Evans (Fleetwood Town) x2
Christian Nade (Annan Athletic)
Lee Martin (Exeter City)
Lyle Taylor (Charlton Athletic)


ANOTHER WIN FOR CHARLTON – IS IT THEIR YEAR?

Season 7 Game 22 (13-16 December)

THE ‘DOG EAT MY HOMEWORK’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of this being a lazy results-only edition.


But there is always time for a terrible pun so…
“Tim’s own goal at Leicester City was particularly Krul’ [actually it was, as this goal kept Krul’s Norwich City near the bottom and salvaged a point for the Foxes.]


Normal service will be resumed next week. Honest. Well, ‘next week’, I mean ‘when I manage to catch up with the backlog’, hoping that at some point Barney might come back down to earth and release the details of the week’s HiH from the archives.


A blank!


Jonathan Obika (St Mirren) x2
Junior Morias (St Mirren)
Lee Tomlin (Cardiff City)
Tom Nichols (Bristol Rovers)

charlton02
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren) x2
Karlan Grant (Huddersfield Town)

Arsenal
A blank


Paul Gallagher (Preston North End)


ANOTHER WIN FOR THE POSH!