Season 7 Game 29 (17-20 Jan)

THE ‘The First Lady in the Tardis, on the Moon’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Michelle Obama (56), Tom Baker [note: if anything bad happnes to him this year, it’s Barney’s fault] and Buzz Aldrin (90)

The best one on the day was from Wiggy – “Chris Lines has been sent off. He’s the tough guys on the team, they call him ‘Hard’ Lines.”
Howard: “Jonathan Smith has scored – that’s not just sports, it’s Hypersports!” [Alright, I was desperate, ok? But Hypersports was a great game on the Spectrum. RIP Jonathan Smith]

The Dread Hand this time picked on Jerry Yates at Swindon Town [blanked but did get booked], Declan McManus at Falkirk [blanked] and Luke Jephcott at Plymouth Argyle [blanked, despite his team-mates scoring 3]. A clean sweep!

Nothing found here. Curses.

Well, like Arsenal keeping a clean sheet, it doesn’t happen nearly often enough, and it failed to register once more.

Category Without A Name – still with a temporary picture and without a proper name! Worse was to come – no winners of this Category, for about the first time ever.

Chiedozie Ogbene Rotherham United of Ireland. Yes, really (well, born in Nigeria, moved to Ireland at age 8) – is this exotic enough? If not, we also could have Manny Monthe, Tranmere Rovers’ Cameroonian defender, and Guinea-Bissau’s Panutche Camara, plying his trade at err.. Crawley Town. Oh the glamour.

Rotherham United [top] 3-0 Bristol Rovers [13th]. Half time was 0-0, so a prime candidate for Reverse Churchill, had it been a Category this time. Northampton Town [6th] 4-1 Morecambe [24th and last] – ‘Cobblers’ indeed. Possibly also Halifax Town [7th] 5-2 Maidenhead [19th] – also a possible Reverse Churchill as the score was one-each at the break.

Barney – called in sick
– called a spite Gub in Liverpool v Manchester United before the game started [i.e. at 0-0 on 0 mins] – Finished: 2-0 – FAILED!
– called Sheffield Wednesday a lot of rude words. They lost 0-5 [an away Gub, no less] – FAILED!

Salford City finished their game away at Forest Green Rovers with just 9 men. And still won 2-1. All together now – “Resign!”

Jon Dadi Bodvarsson scored to seal Millwall’s win against his former club Reading – a possible “Don’t Mean Nuthin'”? Come to think of it, so was ex-Charlton defender Patrick Bauer, whose goal against his former club turned out to be the winner. I wonder if either celebrated…

Alex Bruce (Kilmarnock)
Chris Lines (Northampton Town)
Sean Clare (Heart of Midlothian)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)

Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town)
Christian Burgess (Portsmouth)
Jason Cummings (Shrewsbury Town)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren) x2
Kyle Vassell (Rotherham United)
Lee Tomlin (Cardiff City)

Callum Harriott (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren) x2
Nathan Byrne (Wigan Athletic)
Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Patrick Bauer (Preston North End) – counting double against his old club
Tarique Fosu (Oxford United)

A blank. No, it’s not a fix. What is a fix, is going out of the Europa League…!!

Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Nicky Law (Exeter City)


Season 7 Game 28 (10-13 Jan)

THE ‘countdown to slave labour for legolas’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE

So named because of the weekend birthdays of Rachel Riley (36), Jeff Bezos (56) and Orlando Bloom (43).

Barney: “Wycombe!…but will Ainsworth go?” [Gareth Ainsworth’s Wycombe Wanderers side lost 4-0 to Sunderland, but no, he’s still there. For now]
Chris: “Wing gets Boro off to a flying start” [Lewis Wing]
Howard: [Stuart] “Armstrong has scored for Southampton – that wasn’t Pointless” or [Mark] “Beevers’ red card? was he fighting like one?”

This week’s targets in the crosshairs of the otherworldly spoilsport were – Brandon Thomas-Asante (Salford City), Tyler Walker (Lincoln City), and Cauley Woodrow (Barnsley). Only one defied dark powers (Walker). So, a 66.666% strike rate for The Hand – better than the Black Death…

The old stnd-by Tammy Abraham at Chelsea.

Stuart Armstrong (Southampton): Southampton to Celtic to Southampton, Billy Clarke (Grimsby Town): – Charlton Athletic – Bradford City – Plymouth Argyle – Grimsby Town, and Nicky Maynard (Mansfield Town): Milton Keynes Dons to Aberdeen to Bury.

Kenny Miller’s pub punch-up (a “rammy”, Barney would say) is well known so we’ll just give it the slightest of mentions. New here (MAYBE) is Elgin City’s Kane Hester – Gambling offences – click the [LINK] for the naughty details.

A fully-diverse set of poshos this week with Callum Hudson-Odoi (Chelsea), Hal Robson-Kanu (West Bromwich Albion), Bristol City’s Connor Lemonheigh-Evans (on loan at Torquay United, at the time), and maybe Salim Kouider-Aissa (Queen’s Park) too. Jolly hockeysticks!

Kyle Vassell Rotherham United (16 clubs at age 27) and Frank Nouble Colchester United (15 at 28). Barney also notes Billy Clarke of Grimsby Town (14 at 32).

Barney – called Ipswich Town v Accrington Stanley [“Is It Cup Week?”!] at 2-0 on 27 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called Oxford United v Rotherham United at 0-3 on 45 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
– called Sunderland v Wycombe Wanderers [again – “Is It Cup Week?”!] at 3-0 on 19 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang (Arsenal) did the unnamed Category by scoring (yay!) and then sent off (boo!).

Had it also been on there would have been a couple on (in)decent Unpleasant Local Derbies – Barnsley v Huddersfield Town [2-1], Rochdale v Bolton Wanderers [2-0] and Leeds United v Sheffield Wednesday [0-2].

Manchester United 4-0 v Norwich City was a perfect example of the Darwinism Category.

Ayo Obileye (Ebbsfleet United)
Chris Maguire (Sunderland) x2
Gary Gardner (Birmingham City)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Will Keane (Ipswich Town)

Jack Baldwin (Salford City on loan from Sunderland)
Josh Davison (Charlton Athletic)
Kyle Vassell (Rotherham United) x2
Lee Angol (Leyton Orient)

charlton02Ayo Obileye (Ebbsfleet United)
Billy Clarke (Grimsby Town)
Frank Nouble (Colchester United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Josh Staunton (Halifax Town)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Tobi Sho-Silva (Halifax Town)

Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town) x3

Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Billy Clarke (Grimsby Town)
CJ Hamilton (Mansfield Town)
Joe Ironside (Macclesfield Town)
Lloyd Kerry (Torquay United)
Michael Doyle (Notts County)