Season 8 Game 10 (20-23 Nov)

THE ‘Breakout and Show Your Bones for Halloween’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Miley Cyrus (29), Karen O (42) and Jamie Lee Curtis (62).

Barney[Denying the evidence of any Zingers as much as Trump denies he lost the Presidency.]
Chris: [Zinger is self-isolating for 14 days. That’s 14 Venusian days, of course]
Howard: “Diego’s goal has Hand-ed a draw to Celtic” [Diego Laxalt, who I’m sure has never cheated like Maradona did].

But you can always rely on our deathless friend from Hecate’s lair to be around. The past few days have seen it in a rather despondent mood, as it fervently believed global Armageddon was just round the corner whilst the soon-to-be former President was in charge. Turns out the vice-president was the one who had the ‘red button’ responsibility all along. Those Christians have always had the last laugh on us, it’s been that way for over 2000 bloody years now’, bemoaned the darkling.

Shaking what remained of its fist at those above the sky, it will have slightly heartened by preventing Aston Villa’s Ollie Watkins and Torquay United’s Danny Wright from scoring, though Norwich City’s Teemu Pukki did get on the scoresheet to prevent the clean sweep.

(In the style of Geoffrey Palmer RIP) Gary Madine. Incidents in Sheffield. David Goodwillie. Wrong time, wrong bed. Said category. Both over qualified.

Scunthorpe United’s Manny Onariase was the original choice here, but this was scuppered by the small matter of him being born in Croydon. So instead it’s going to be Notts County’s striker Ruben Rodrigues, born in North-Western Portugal. Bet he’s always wanted to score at the Technique Stadium, the home ground of Chesterfield.

Best out there would be Neil Harris’ return to Millwall as Cardiff City boss, where he saw Kieffer Moore (Keiffer Roberto Francisco Moore, no less) equalise against the London Lions. Was this just a flimsy excuse to mention Moore’s middle names? You betcha.


Quite a few names who’ll be feeling ‘just oright’ after scoring over the weekend. They also got a goal for their clubs (ba-boom-tish).

Pick your winner from Solly March of Brighton [note: as this is short for Solomon, does it count?], Cauley Woodrow of Barnsley, Dior Angus at Barrow or Reeco Hackett-Fairchild of Bromley.


Barney – [nothing recorded] – Finished – FAILED!
– called Leyton Orient v Harrogate Town at 3-0 on 73 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
– called Fleetwood Town v Plymouth Argyle at 3-0 on 45[HT]min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!

One wonders if Cheltenham’s Matty Blair or St Johnstone’s Stevie May have ever heard the above admonition. Looking at May’s Wikipedia picture of the striker in his Preston days he may well have also been advised to ‘Get a haircut too’


Those of you who suffered through last week’s edition will recall Barney’s rant about a Claridge Clock winner par excellence being a veteran who’d played for some clubs in far-flung places such as India or Korea.

No sooner said than done – Stranraer’s Daryl Duffy scored on Saturday. 17 clubs at 36 years old including not one but three Indian clubs in Salgaocar, Goa and Mohun Bagun.
Appropriate really, that Duffy’s latest club is itself out in the sticks as far as Scottish football goes – the nearest major club to the Stair Park outfit is Cliftonville, who play in the Northern Irish leagues.

Bournemouth 0-2 Reading at Half-time. 45+ minutes later it’s Bournemouth 4-2 Reading at the final whistle. That was a Reverse Churchill for the ages delivered by Royals boss Veljko Paunovic. One of those Reading goals was scored by forward Sone Aluko and that’s his first in 18 months. The ex-Hull City man would’ve easily achieved the rare-as-rocking-horse-poo BENDTNER! A category so scarce we kind of forgot all about it because no striker ever really qualified. Ho Hum.

Another double category whammy coming up as Chesterfield v Notts County is an absolute humdinger of an Unpleasant Local Derby which (after the Spireites conceded goals in the 91st and 93rd minutes to lose 2-3) saw a round of Fresh Hell from caretaker boss John Dungworth [great name] as he saw first hand why John Pemberton is the former Chesterfield boss:

‘It was very, very disappointing. I thought we played really well at times today but obviously the game lasted for 95 minutes and we’ve failed to go the distance by conceding three goals from set-pieces which is criminal really’

‘We’ve been practicing free kicks both for and against but people haven’t done their jobs and it’s a lack of professionalism that we can’t see a game out’

A bunch of types who were asked of them Are You My Fag? The head boys could’ve chosen from Connor Lemonhaigh-Evans at Torquay United, Reeco Hackett-Fairchild of Bromley, Ethan Ebanks-Landell of Shrewsbury Town, Danilo Orsi-Dadomo of Maidenhead United, Jake Doyle-Hayes of St Mirren or Jerome Binnom-Williams of Barnet to put together an impromptu game of Fives.

Sean McConville’s been quite the dedicated servant of Accrington Stanley over the past decade. So much so that with his substitute appearance on 66 minutes being his 309th in Accy Stan’s colours, breaking the previous record. T’was but a regrettable cameo show from the midfielder, who saw a straight red on 71 minutes for a studs-to-stomach challenge on Lincoln City’s Louis Montsma.
A rather awkward way to celebrate a record, but one we approve of. Make Ya Ma Proud, Mr McConville.

Fleetwood Town 5-1 Plymouth Argyle. That was 651 miles and just over 12 hours of driving time there-and-back that the Pilgrims’ hardcore didn’t have to waste anything on. COVID, in this case, was a blessing as no-one had to resort to asking Where’s Russell?

Finally, not a category, but Kevin Ellison, 41, (just the 15 clubs to his name) scored the winner for Newport County on Saturday against Port Vale. We often look to Newport’s manager, Mike Flynn, 18 months younger than Ellison, for Fresh Hell material but he was positively chipper after the game (relatively speaking):

‘We’ve had over 60% possession and 25 or so shots but we didn’t test their goalkeeper enough…But that’s the only down point, the substitutes came on and I thought they were excellent and gave us that little bit of a push in the final third….As for Kevin Ellison, he’s a fantastic professional and that’s why he’s playing at level at the age he is’


Chris Lines (Northampton Town)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Stevie May (St Johnstone)

Darren Lyon (Queen’s Park)
Jerome Binnom-Williams (Barnet)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Luke James (Barrow)
Mark O’Hara (Motherwell)
Rhys Bennett (Carlisle United)

charlton02Ezri Konsa (Aston Villa)
Josh Magennis (Hull City) x2
Naby Sarr (Huddersfield Town)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Bromley on loan from Portsmouth)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)
Theo Walcott (Southampton on loan from Everton)


Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton) x2
Elliott Whitehouse (Forest Green Rovers)
Ethan Ebanks-Landell (Shrewsbury Town) o.g.
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Jamie Murphy (Hibernian on loan from Rangers)
Otis Khan (Tranmere Rovers)
Richard Stearman (Huddersfield Town) o.g.


Season 8 Game 09 (6-9 Nov)

THE ‘Blackberry Way – A Melodrama set in Zombieland’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of the ‘skill’ and for that matter ‘ace’ Roy Wood (74), Lorde (24) and Emma Stone (32).

Barney: [pass]
Chris: “Monk slaps the EFL’ – last chance to use this perennial Zinger as he was sacked on the 9th November
Howard: [according to Barney, channeling the full Whitely with a myriad of puns. Lowlight of which was] ‘Boyce has scored for Hearts, he’s obviously playing to the Max’

‘Alfie May, but not if I send one of my maladies his way’ stated the ethereal construct [“Alfie May – Alfie DID!” said Wiggy, sometime around the same time, spookily enough]. It also took issue with Chester’s John [brother of Wayne] Rooney’s  goal from inside his own half being described as ‘other-worldly’. As a long-standing resident of an ‘other-world’ it would like it to be known the ball would’ve exploded as it crossed the methane tides.

Somewhat distracted by its own pedantry, its powers of malevolence clearly weren’t up to standard as Exeter City’s Matt Jay and Peterborough United’s Siriki Dembele both netted with only Manchester City’s Raheem Sterling failing to overcome the vitriol.

It’s got to be Torquay United 5-6 Crawley Town. The Devon Gulls were 2-0 up at half-time and 5-3 up with 10 minutes left of extra time before they chucked it away. All glory be to Torquay’s veteran manager Gary Johnson and his words of wisdom at the intervals.

Two new boys being initiated into the ways of public school life in Dartford’s Jacob Berkeley-Agyepong and Watford’s William Troost-Ekong. I can’t comment on the Darts’ midfielder’s physicality but Troost-Ekong’s built like the Purser’s quarters and there’s no way he’s getting ‘flushed’ by the head boys. Indeed, the Nigerian under-21 international is likely to be doing the ‘flushing’, despite clearly being ‘new money’.

Bradford City’s veteran striker Clayton Donaldson {Barney and Chris, jointly: “Law Firm!”} scored for his hometown team in their 7-0 Mullahing of Tonbridge Angels in the FA Cup. 13 clubs at 36 is solid going from Donaldson and his place here is easily justifiable, but ideally you’d like to see a strange outlier, such as a loan spell in Finland, playing in the Indian Premiership or the South Korean leagues like some others who have graced this grouping.

Step forward John Rooney (again), who has 10 clubs at 29 and is right on the cusp of making the grade here. I’m sure his appearances for New York Red Bulls and Orlando City were wholly down to the talent he demonstrated in being a squad player at Macclesfield Town and not because he’s Wayne’s brother.

Cheltenham Town’s Alfie May scored again at the weekend. May’s career has seen him taking the Cross Country route from East to West. His last three clubs being Hythe Town – Doncaster Rovers – Cheltenham Town. Whilst his goalscoring exploits look good at present, the never-sleeping Dread Hand Of Barney has raised a non-existent eyebrow and has indicated his name’s on the scroll of potential targets. But obviously not before This Morning has finished. We can also confirm he is no relation to former Owl Stevie May, who Chris reckons is “too busy dishing out goldfish on a hook-a-duck stall somewhere”.

Barney – [Just “didn’t”] – FAILED!
– called Airdrieonians v Clyde at 3-0 on 45 min {HT} – Finished: 5-0!! – GUB ACHIEVED!
– called Chelsea v Sheffield United before the game had kicked off (purely out of spite) – Finished: 4-1 – FAILED!

Everton’s Bernard will never really be regarded as a legitimate contender for this category so we’ll put the spotlight on Luton Town’s George Moncur, who scored for the Hatters versus Huddersfield Town. I’m sure his fellow midfielders Ricky Hill and Brian Horton would’ve been the first to congratulate him for putting the away team ahead at Leeds Road.

A decent amount to go with here:

Firstly, it was the FA Cup first round proper, so we had a few episodes of Darwinism In Action but none as emphatic as the televised game at Longmead Stadium, which, as we’ve already established, was Tonbridge Angels 0-7 Bradford City.

A couple of Don’t Call Me Shirley types scored. These would be Tammy Abraham of Chelsea and rather more prestigiously, Gabby Rogers of Yeovil

Ademola Lookman’s last minute Panenka snafu. Given the non-attempt at a penalty kick came seconds after West Ham United’s 89th minute opening goal, Lookman has booked the Make Ya Ma Proud for the week, but wait! Here’s Fulham boss Scott Parker’s Fresh Hell losing a point:

‘My emotions are of disappoinment, anger a little bit. Anyone can miss a penalty, but if you decide to take a penalty like that, you need to hit the back of the net’ ‘He needs to understand that and he needs to learn’

Lookman has vowed to score the next penalty he gets to take. But that’s unlikely to be as a Fulham player.

Another London-based manager cut loose after an uninspiring display by his team. Completing the double bill of Fresh Hell, is Millwall’s Gary Rowett on drawing 0-0 at Sheffield Wednesday on a day which the Owls thoroughly dominated and the away team put a grand total of 0 shots on target from 11 attempts:

‘I thought we were poor – simple as that – we tried to overplay when we didn’t need to and Sheffield Wednesday were brighter than us…We had a couple of big chances but it would’ve been completely unfair on Wednesday because they were better than us and probably deserved the three points’

On the subject of someone who needs anger management, Gary Madine scored for Blackpool. He’s a favourite of many a South Yorkshire police cell and is certainly Known To The Authorities.

As a category highlighting lengthy away trips where fans travel with optimism and return in high dudgeon, Where’s Russell? isn’t really applicable right now. But the players still have to go there-and-back so South Shields’ 518 miles, 8 hours 24 minutes slog to lose 3-1 gets a mention.

We saw the best of the Premiership as Burnley and Brighton & Hove Albion put together a proper 0-0 with a combined 4 shots on target from both sides, triggering An Evening With Paul Robinson, maybe the first of the new season.

Another probable initial mention of the forgotten (by Barney anyway) Category Without A Name, as Montrose’s Kane Hester scored and was later sent off. Impressively, that’s already Hester’s second red card of the 20/21 tourney..

And a word from our Lord, Wiggy himself: “[Thomas] Orr has scored. He’s a hard man. His team-mates call him ‘Iron’ Orr.” Thankyou and goodnight from Soccer Saturday.


Ash Baker (Newport County)
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Emmanuel Dieseruvwe (Salford City)
Gary Madine (Blackpool) x2
James Tavernier (Rangers) x2
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Darren Lyon (Queen’s Park)
George Moncur (Luton Town)
Jack Baldwin (Bristol Rovers)
Josh Davison (Woking on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Krystian Pearce (Solihull Moors)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town) x3


charlton02Billy Clarke (Bradford City) x2
Brandon Hanlan (Bristol Rovers)
Harry Pell (Colchester United)
Joe Aribo (Rangers) x2
Josh Magennis (Hull City)
Josh Umerah (Torquay United)
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest) x2
Mark Ricketts (Boreham Wood)
Richard Wood (Rotherham United)

ArsenalA blank. Out of 235 recorded goals, this is quite an impressive effort!


Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Billy Clarke (Bradford City) x2
Caolan Lavery (Walsall)
Che Adams (Southampton)
Clayton Donaldson (Bradford City)
David Brooks (Bournemouth) x2
Elliott Whitehouse (Forest Green Rovers)
Gary Madine (Blackpool) x2
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest) x2
Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)



Season 8 Game 08 (30 Oct – 2 Nov)

THE ‘By The Way, We Built This City with Free School Meals’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Anthony Kiedis (58), Grace Slick (81) and Marcus Rashford (23).


Barney: ‘Watters’ it matter that Crawley have equalised? [unusually, this was the only Zinger received]

Is back at home with Cerberus after that rather exhausting, whistle-stop tour of the UK, spreading love and community spirit in equal measure.

None at all then.

The resident of Hades has rediscovered an old passion for knitting and is planning to have quite a few items to distribute to the local disadvantaged children above ground. Quite how the youngsters will appreciate these lovingly-knitted voodoo dolls is debatable, let alone that a set of needles will be included in every present. ‘It’s the thought that counts’ it reflected.

Such generosity, alas, did not find its way to Cove Rangers’ Mitchel Megginson, Carlisle United’s Jon Mellish or Portsmouth’s Marcus Harness as they all blanked.


We’ve seen this category endure quite the drought. But Sam Barrett’s hat-trick for Maidenhead United against Solihull Moors ends the dry spell and then some. Solihull Moors went professional a couple of years back and have some ambition about them, hiring former West Bromwich Albion caretaker boss Jimmy Shan as their manager. So losing to part-timers Maidenhead probably wasn’t in the script and you have to think if Mr Shan launched the Fresh Hell towards the away dressing room.

But the idea of Martyn Tyler dropping the boom [is that what the kidz say, Barney?] on the Woking players is rather more amusing so I’m sticking with that.

Iain Vigurs. Ross County club captain with 200+ appearances for The Staggies.

This > > > [LINK]

The move leading up to the horlicks begins at around 0:45.

Nope. Not one. It’s the absent fans fault. Let’s hope COVID is forced onto the retreat, leading to attended games leading to ‘incidents’.

QPR’s Mark Warburton was the prime candidate after his team let slip a 2-0 halftime win into a 2-2 draw on 89 minutes, but a late Rangers winner meant that went up in smoke. So a quick scramble around sees Woking’s Anthony Limbrick installed as the winner. Seeing his Cardinals lose a 2-1 half-time advantage against King’s Lynn, keeling into a 3-2 away reverse thanks to a brace from Jamal Loza. More on Mr Loza in the Miscellaneous section below.

Woking’s Assistant boss is still Martyn Tyler, yup that Martyn Tyler of whom BT Sport describe as being ‘liberal and enthusiastic’ in his advice to players and officials. So if Limbrick’s the undemonstrative type his venerable deputy is an admirable fit.

Leyton Orient 4-0 Bolton Wanderers. That would be 446 miles there-and-back and 7 hours 34 minutes for the Trotters fans (had there actually been any allowed). In no way at all would said fans be thinking ‘Ivan Campo, Jay-Jay Okocha and Youri Djorkaeff used to play for us’ on that silent, socially-distanced way home.

Barney – called Leyton Orient v Bolton Wanderers at 3-0 on 37 min – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– called Burnley v Chelsea at 0-3 on 70 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!
– called Luton Town v Brentford at 0-2 on 37 min – Finished: 0-3 – FAILED!

One cannot help but begin with King’s Lynn Town striker Jamal Loza. Whilst checking to discern if the ex-Norwich City player qualified for “Kenny Davis’ Oyster Card” status (he certainly doesn’t) the Kingston, Jamaica-born (“Local Boy Makes Good”) Loza’s two goals against Woking, a team who loaned him twice (“It Don’t Mean Nuthin'”) and were just 1 of 11 clubs which he has appeared for at 26 years old (“Claridge Clock”) triggered three other categories he absolutely qualified for.

Loza’s unexpected status as a Local Boy Makes Good helps overcome the fact that two rather more likely names, Fisayo Adarabioyo of Altrincham and Leeroy Makovora at Brechin City (on loan from Heart of Midlothian) were born in North London and Tranent (outskirts of Edinburgh) respectively.

On further inspection, the latter’s Christian name would be have a solid ranking in Born In Burberry.

Finally, a couple of chaps for whom the sinister question Are You My Fag? won’t be an unfamiliar query, Peterborough United’s Jonson Clarke-Harris and Hull City’s Keane Lewis-Potter, both scored. With those names, a future as a leading Law Firm (not that it’s a category) is but a formality.

Due to a lack of birthdays, this week’s title was almost an In Memoriam special due to the amount of celebrities joining the choir invisible, and was almost called ‘James Bond’s Not Going Out – He’s won the World Cup!’ commemorating three Great Britains in Sean Connery (90), Bobby Ball (76) and Nobby Stiles (78).


Chris Maguire (Sunderland)
Gary Gardner (Birmingham City)
Jack Hunt (Bristol City)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Lucas Joao (Reading)


Dominic Ball (Queens Park Rangers)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Josh Davison (Woking on loan from Charlton Athletic)
Kane Ferdinand (Woking)
Matty Godden (Coventry City)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)

Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

ArsenalChuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)


Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
Connor Brown (Barrow)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
James Wilson (Salford City)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Kyle Walker (Manchester City) – counting double against his old club
Marvin Johnson (Middlesbrough)