Season 8 Game 15 (Boxing Day)

THE ‘Ordinary People meet The Baroness and The Dowager’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of John Legend (42), Sienna Miller (39) and Dame Maggie Smith (86).

Barney: [nothing recorded]
Chris:[nothing recorded]
Howard: “It’s a Fresh Hel-ik for Huddersfield Town” [Michal Helik’s two goals helped Barnsley win this Yorkshire derby 2-1]

The Dread Hand of Barney was up against various worldwide vaccines, so had Its’ work cut out whilst also trying to put the hex on Jack Leitch at Stirling Albion, Tom Pope at Port Vale and Conor McAleny at Oldham Athletic.

In order, the results were: (a) He didn’t play, (b) No, and (c) Yes.

Barney – didn’t call one – FAILED!
– called a Defensive Gub for Arsenal v Chelsea before the game  – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED!
– called a Spite Gub with Everton v Sheffield  United, again before the match even started – Finished: 1-0 – FAILED!

This is the first of four (so far!) slimmed-down editions, partly due to the current world situation, partly because of a lack of Barney’s notes, and partly down to Brexit.

Anyway, the categories were due to have been: It Don’t Mean Nuthin’, Make Ya Ma Proud, Local Boy Made Good, Don’t Call Me Shirley and PAGGA! Most of this would end up blank, with the exception of familiar ‘Shirley’, Tammy Abraham.

There wasn’t much in the Zingers category, so there’s definitely room for one from our bewigged overlord Jeff Stelling: “Kevin O’Hara has scored [for Dunfermline] – Scarlet will be pleased”!


Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Charlie Lee (Yeovil Town) o.g.
Harry Anderson (Lincoln City)
Jermaine Anderson (Aldershot Town) x2
Marcus Maddison (Charlton Athletic)

Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Lee Novak (Bradford City)
Tony Watt (Motherwell)

Jay Emmanuel-Thomas (Livingston)

James Wilson (Salford City)


Season 8 Game 14 (18-21 Dec)

THE ‘I Knocked Up a Bad Man at My Best Friend’s Wedding’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Jonah Hill (37), Billie Eilish (19) and Rachel Phillips (52) over the weekend.

Barney: ‘That Mighten be the equaliser for Forest’ [Alex Cole Mighten]
Chris: ‘There’s one chance for Aneke he didn’t Chuks away’
Howard: ‘Fontaine has scored for Dundee – “Just”‘ [that’s a zinger…just. Actually, Liam.]

Has been rather busy checking all her colleagues have received Christmas cards ‘Let’s see Hecate in the Underworld – check, Yachar, the floor below – check, Tantalus at the lake – check, Sean Dyche at Burnley- che…oh curses, there’s always one’

And so it proved with the goalscorers it had targeted. The ‘one’ in this case being Max Watters at Crawley who did score whilst neither Sam Surridge at Bournemouth or Cauley Woodrow at Barnsley could.

Brian Reid, Albion Rovers manager gave a half-time talk for the ages to his squad with the scores goal-less at half-time. Perhaps the away team were still pondering the quality of his rhetoric throughout the second half as the game ended 4-0 to the home team, Stranraer. The South-Westernly Scottish outfit were Reid’s former employers, which I guess could make for an It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ and probably should’ve gone in the Miscellaneous section, but there you go.

Late news: Mr Reid may be usurped at the winner as Eastleigh’s Ben Strevens saw his team go 3-0 up away to Wealdstone in the FA Trophy. His inspirational words during the break saw Wealdstone to a 4-3 success…

We have a winner, ye gods! Ben Whiteman (Sheffield United-Mansfield Town-Doncaster Rovers). All within 30 miles! Miracles do happen around Christmas.

The prolific David Goodwillie at Clyde (can’t imagine why he’s not joined a bigger club…) should really be buying shares in this. He’s joined here by Port Vale’s Tom Pope, who’s known to get a ‘bit punchy’ at inappropriate times.

We don’t normally dig this deep for a category but Fort William’s history of mediocrity is well known enough to attract national media. Such attention has made for a mild improvement in form but their overall record is still so evidentially wretched that a 0-10 home reverse to Brora Rangers easily qualifies here.

That we’re highlighting the above Dry Wyngarde indicates there wasn’t much else to go on, as I’m not sure if Crystal Palace 0-7 Liverpool makes the grade as Palace were 9th before that Mullahing. Welwyn Garden City 1-5 Aldershot Town in the FA Trophy saw the away team wallop a club two divisions below them so maybe that’s one to note too.

Zak Dearnley at Oldham Athletic and Harrison Biggins at Barrow (“Law Firm”) for starters plus Taylor Richards at Doncaster Rovers. And it’s further down than we normally look but there’s also Roarie Deacon at Havant & Waterlooville in National League South. Quite honestly there were a veritable smorgasbord of players to choose from with names akin to those who follow the (what our Irish correspondent reports) way of the ‘Skanger’ [untranslatable on Google].

Again we have a late winner [if we count teams in the Isthmian League(!) and National League South], and so did Haringey Borough in their upset win over Dartford in the FA Trophy with one of our favourites from yesteryear Bobson Bawling, scoring in the 91st minute to defeat the Darts.


Barney – called Edinburgh City v Stirling at 0-3 on 41min – Finished: 2-3 – FAILED!
– called Brenford v Reading at 3-0 on 36 min – Finished: 3-1 – FAILED! And a SUCCESSFUL! Stealth Wyngarde at Fort William v Brora Rangers, with the score at 0-5 at the interval (finished 0-10).
– called Birmingham City v Middlesborough called at 1-3 on 57min – Finished: 1-4 – FAILED!

Slimmer than normal for a number of reasons. Let’s blame Brexit.

George Saville (now then, now then) scored again for Middlesborough. That’s one for the Old School and Stuart Ripley, along with Ian Baird were happy to join in with the midfielders celebrations at Ayresome Park.

Morecambe’s Yann Songo’o is quite the traveller, having completed stints in Spain before moving to the MLS, joining Kansas City before moving up in the world with clubs such as Blackburn Rovers, Plymouth Argyle and Scunthorpe United. Appropriate that he should be playing for a club whose ground is currently titled the Globe Arena. It’s Songo’o’s birthplace of Yaounde, Cameroon’s capital city which clearly indicates he’s a Local Boy Makes Good.

Grimsby Town v Scunthorpe United. That would be a most Unpleasant Local Derby.

Stevie May (St Johnstone)

Britt Assombalonga (Middlesbrough)
Danny Andrew (Fleetwood Town)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Luke James (Barrow)
Omar Bogle (Charlton Athletic)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)


charlton02Conor McAleny (Oldham Athletic)
Jonathan Obika (St Mirren)
Josh Magennis (Hull City) o.g.


Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Danny Welbeck (Brighton and Hove Albion)


Ben Whiteman (Doncaster Rovers)
James Wilson (Salford City)



Season 8 Game 13 (11-14 Dec)

THE ‘Harsh Judging in Fargo? Give Us A Clue!’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Robert Rinder (42), Steve Buscemi (63), Lionel ‘Vinyl’ Blair (92!). [A hat-tip to Mr C Smith for this week’s title. Always good to share the blame and that.]


Nothing recorded, so the usual punishment applies: “Campbell’s two goals gets Edinburgh out of the soup.”
Hah. [Josh Campbell of Edinburgh City’s goals earned his club a 3-3 draw at Queen’s Park].

Raised a carpal in surprise at the news Lionel Blair was still compus mentis. This set our decayed friend off on recalling other stars of variety in the 70s together with the knowledge that it can’t be too long before it meets such period luminaries as Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall down there. ‘I can’t wait to see them down here and I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking that’ stated the Being.

Despite looking forward to such an occasion, it didn’t neglect its current duties and blanked Lucas Joao at Reading, Alex Reid at Stockport County and Luke Jephcott at Plymouth Argyle.

Jonson Clarke-Harris needed to only score once to get a mention, that he got a hat-trick will get him a hearty ‘huzzah’ in the headmaster’s oratory when term opens. Davis Keillor-Dunn’s goal for Oldham Athletic pales in comparison, though his efforts will ensure he won’t be ‘invited’ to join in the ‘biscuit game’. [Note: don’t, whatever you do, look this up, as it’s from Barney].

Jonson Clarke-Harris and Davis Keillor-Dunn, along with Peterhead’s Lyall Cameron (who also netted this week) would be undoubtedly shoo-ins for the ex-Category Law Firm, were it not like shooting fish in a barrel…

Three nailed-on candidates here. 524 miles there and back from Huddersfield Town to Bournemouth, where the Terriers were gubbed 5-0. It’s a very similar distance (528 miles) all told from Birkenhead to Exeter, where Tranmere Rovers also had 5 put past them with no reply. But in terms of scoring, it’s to the Crooked Spire where fans of financially-snookered Barnet didn’t travel, failing to see their team lose 6-0 to Chesterfield and thus not enduring a 289 mile, 5 hour all-round journey.

Barney – called Middlesborough v Millwall at 3-0 on 25 min – Finished – 3-0 FAILED!
Howard / Chris
– nothing recorded – FAILED!

Another bloody Alfie here (what’s it all about?). This time around it’s Kilgour, the Bristol Rovers centreback. Falkirk’s Charlie Telfer also scored at the weekend, but he’s the son of a footballer, so that may be his actual given name.

Originally this would’ve been Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel, which is debatable, but both Soccerbase and BT Sport had the scorer of Queens Park’s third goal as William (NOT Billy) Baynham which is almost certainly more like it. More from this fixture below.

Just blowing the cobwebs off this category…
And there were a good few competitors for this award, Derby County and Stoke City combined for 4 shots on target, all of which were from the home team and Blackpool v Oxford United served up similar fare. But we’ll go right up to the zenith of English football, with Manchester United v Manchester City racking up, once again 4 shots on target between them in 90-odd minutes of non-pulsating action from The Best League In The WorldTM.

The aforementioned William Baynham, goalscoring midfielder at Queens Park is a native of Queensland, Australia and that’s as good a Local Boy Makes Good as you’ll find, though there’s also strong competition coming from Oldham Athletic’s Congolese midfielder Dylan Bahamboula and Woking’s Bulgarian striker Spasi Slasov.

Further material still from the Queens Park v Edinburgh City match is gleaned with the final goal in said game being scored by Edinburgh’s Gabby McGill, a future Don’t Call Me Shirley.

A couple of prime Unpleasant Local Derby’s were noted in this week’s fixtures with the Owls facing Barnsley and Wigan Athletic v Accrington Stanley – the latter also leading to calls of Is It Cup Week?

Boreham Wood was the place to be (really?) for those who were Born In Burberry with the home team’s Sorba Thomas netting and Shadrach Ogie amongst those who scored for the visitors, Aldershot Town. Honourable mentions going out to Bristol Rovers’ Zain Westbrook and Southampton’s Che Adams. Anymore of these would make for a ‘handsome massive’.

3 was the magic number for It Don’t Mean Nuthin’ as we noted Dwight Gayle scoring for Newcastle United v West Bromwich Albion, Joe Pigott scoring for Wimbledon v Charlton Athletic and Che Adams completing the troika for Southampton against Sheffield United.

Finally, Burton Albion’s Colin Daniel ‘s 11 clubs at 32 are only good enough for just the certificate of thanks, not the Claridge Clock as Chesterfield’s Akwasi Asante (Amsterdam-born, so yet another Local Boy Makes Good) with 11 clubs at 28 gets a plaque and Newport’s Jamie Proctor, with 14 clubs at 28 collects the timepiece.

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
James Tavernier (Rangers)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Carl Piergianni (Oldham Athletic)
Colin Daniel (Burton Albion)
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
Dwight Gayle (Newcastle United)
Ivan Toney (Brentford)
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Tom Nichols (Crawley Town)

Michael Smith (Rotherham United)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon) – counting double against his old club
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Josh Dasilva (Brentford)

Che Adams (Southampton) – counting double against his old club
Conor Washington (Charlton Athletic)
David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Joe Riley (Carlisle United)
Ricky Holmes (Northampton Town)
Scott Boden (Chesterfield)
Shea Gordon (Partick Thistle)
Stefan Scougall (Alloa Athletic)