Season 8 Game 20 (29 Jan – 1 Feb)

THE ‘Scandal? ‘I’m Only Human’ said the Queen’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Kerry [“Who?!”] Washington (44), Rag’n’Bone Man (36) and the ubiquitous Olivia Colman (47).


Barney: “Admiral scores – Brentford are ‘shipping’ goals….”
Chris: “But has Taylor sewn it up for Doncaster Rovers?”
Howard: [Also on the Admiral Muskwe theme] “Was it for the Reds?”

The Dread Hand of Barney was up against Danny Ings at Southampton, Andre Ayew at Swansea City, Charlie Wyke at Sunderland and Matt Hancock at his mate’s pub, all noticing how unseasonably hot it seems…

And the results? NO, NO and NO. A clean sweep for the Thing. And Hancock? Well, they do say the Devil takes care of his own…

Jordan Graham and Alex MacDonald (Gillingham), Alex Newby (Rochdale), Sam Deering (Dagenham and Redbridge) and a possible winner in Elisha Sam (Notts County).

Not during Lockdown you don’t! Plus, it’s nowhere near Barnard Castle.

Akwasi Asante (Chesterfield) of the Netherlands, Elisha Sam -again!- (Notts County) of Belgium, and Moussa Diarra (Woking) of France.

Which one do you think would be the furthest distance to travel in these matches:
Hull City v Swindon Town, Carlisle United v Exeter City, Bolton Wanderers v Leyton Orient, Port Vale v Southend United, or Hartlepool United v Sutton United?

If you said Carlisle-Exeter, then you are correct. Releative distances are as follows:
Hull-Swindon [1-0] (220 miles / 3hr 39), Carlisle-Exeter [1-0] (347miles / 5 hr 37), Bolton-Leyton [2-0] (228miles / 3 hr 55), Port Vale-Southend [5-1] (195miles / 3 hr 25), and Hartlepool-Sutton [1-0] (287miles / 4 hr 53).

Barney – called Port Vale v Southend United at 3-0 on 27 min – Finished: 5-1 – FAILED!
– [nothing recorded] – FAILED!
– called Hull City v Swindon Town at 1-0 on 31 min – Finished: 1-0 – FAILED!

Just Harry Chapman (Shrewsbury Town) and our old favourite Albert Adomah (Queens Park Rangers)

Nothing to report, so here’s a random fact:
Between 1912 and 1948, the Olympic Games awarded medals in sculpture, music, painting, and architecture. Isn’t that fascinating.

Aden Flint (Cardiff City) o.g.
Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Lucas Joao (Reading)
Ross Barkley (Aston Villa on loan from Chelsea)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)

Callum Cooke (Bradford City)
Ivan Toney (Brentford) x3
Jamie Walker (Heart of Midlothian)
Matt Stevens (Stevenage on loan from Forest Green Rovers)
Tyrone Barnett (Eastleigh)

Ade Azeez (Dover Athletic)
Tarique Fosu (Brentford)

Josh Dasilva (Brentford)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)
Rhys Murphy (Yeovil Town)

Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Harry Chapman (Shrewsbury Town on loan from Blackburn Rovers) x2
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Kyle Bartley (West Bromwich Albion)




Season 8 Game 19 (22-25 January)

THE ‘No records exist in the archives’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
Usually this would be named because of the weekend birthdays of some celebrities, someone for diversity, and someone from a band that Barney likes. Since there were no details left for this one, and possibly to pad this entry out a little, this week is a little different. This results-only edition saw the birthdays of the following footballers:

Friday 22nd:
Fabricio Coloccini (39), Ryan Harley (36), David Martin (35), Shane Long (34), Ryan Wade (33), Theo Robinson and Lois Maynard (32), James Armson (31), Jimmy Keohane, Adam Walker, Samuel Saiz and Ceri Morgan (30), Achraf Lazaar and Reece Connolly (29), Maximiliano Amondarain (28), Kyle Turnbull and Tommy Fletcher (26), Angus Gunn and Joel Coustrain (25), Dimitar Mitov (24), Cameron Pring, Adam Frizzell and Pedro Pereira (23), Thomas Edwards (22) and Fabio Tavares (20).

Saturday 23rd:
Steven Thomson (43), Brian Howard (38), Niki Maenpaa and Matty Robson (36), Michael Gardyne, Marc Laird and Steven Taylor (35), Wes Thomas and Joe Ledley (34), Alan Power (33), James Chester and Paul Turnbull (32), Martyn Waghorn (31), Kevin Brown and Yeni N’Gbakoto (29), Ross Docherty (28), Wesley Jobello, Oliver Sprague and Alex Grant (27), Conor Wilkinson (26), Ruben Loftus-Cheek, Liam Kelly and Ross Matthews (25), Stefan O’Connor, Devlin Mackay and Giorgio Rasulo (24) and Malang Sarr (22).

Sunday 24th:
Dannie Bulman (42), Ian Henderson (36), Wayne Hennessey, Curtis Weston, Luis Suarez and Steven Mouyokolo (34), Al Bangura (33), Ki Sung-Yueng, Samba Diakite and Adam McGurk (32), Joe McNerney (31), James Comley (30), Thomas Verheydt and Marko Dmitrovic (29), Jamie McDonald (28), Jordan Moore-Taylor, Tommie Hoban, Craig Bell and Sean Kavanagh (27), Charlie Anagho-Ntamark (26), Yuri Ribeiro and Connor Lemonheigh-Evans (24), Aaron Jarvis (23), Jaden Brown and Jamie Barjonas (22) and Connor Simpson (21).

Monday 25th:
Youssouf Mulumbu (34), Danny Williams and Adam Hammill (33), Gareth Dean and Chris Arthur (31), Kelvin Mellor and Ahmed Hegazi (30), Moritz Bauer, Alex Johnson and Jordan McKechnie (29), Kevin Holt (28), Sean Raggett and Allan Smith (27), Joel Logan (26), Adama Traore (25), Jamal Lewis (23), Caleb Chukwuemeka and Jimmy Knowles (19).


Punishment for a blank is severe. And here it is…
Howard: “Mina was happy to score today – he was a very merry Yerry”. Well, you asked for it.


Even The Dread Hand of Barney had a rest today. Unconfirmed sightings place our holidaying creature from the netherworld in Rotherham. But they were only rumours…

When we last updated the scores, it seemed to be a runaway win for The Blades. After 19 game-weeks, the current scores are: Sheffield United – 8 1/2, Peterborough United – 5, Sheffield Wednesday – 3, Charlton Athletic on 2 1/2, and Arsenal, appropriately enough, bringing up the rear with 0.


Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Hallam Hope (Swindon Town)
Steven Fletcher (Stoke City)
Vadaine Oliver (Gillingham)

Danny Lloyd (Tranmere Rovers)
Jermaine Anderson (Aldershot Town)
Josh McQuoid (Weymouth)
Tom Conlon (Port Vale)
Toumani Diagouraga (Morecambe)

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Joe Aribo (Rangers)
Joe Pigott (AFC Wimbledon)
Josh Magennis (Hull City)

Chuks Aneke (Charlton Athletic)
Craig Eastmond (Sutton United)
Josh Rees (Aldershot Town)

Andy Butler (Doncaster Rovers) o.g.
Colin Kazim-Richards (Derby County)
Dominic Calvert-Lewin (Everton)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)



Season 8 Game 18 (15-18 January)

THE ‘golden Girl and His Dark Materials are By Your Side’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Betty White (99), Lin-Michael Miranda (41), and Sadé (62!).

Barney: Marlon Pack’s his bags?
Chris: [Nothing recorded]
Howard: Lee scores from a tight Angol.

Fraizer Campbell at Huddersfield Town, Christian Pulisic at Chelsea and Vadaine Oliver at Gillingham were hoping Barney’s throat infection didn’t leave him talking like Sean Dyche permanently [we suspect it might have been actual demonic possession]…

And the results were: No (but he was booked), No (injured), and No – so, a clean sweep for the Dark Side!


Elliott Frear, whose last three clubs Motherwell – Forest Green Rovers – Heart of Midlothian – would seem to fit this category. Also Connor Shields (Alloa Athletic – Aldershot Town – Queen of the South).


Generally difficult to find, but looking at the first result, brought this: Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-3 West Bromwich Albion (HT 2 – 1, FT 2 – 3). Sterling team-talk there…


Roll call [hey, we’re about 6 weeks behind here!] : Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall (Luton Town),
Jake Forster-Caskey (Charlton Athletic),
Jonson Clarke-Harris (Peterborough United),
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Morecambe) o.g.,
Davis Keillor-Dunn (Oldham Athletic) and
Reece Hall-Johnson (Wrexham).

Zak Jules (Walsall) – 11 clubs at age 23. At time of writing, he had played 80 first-team games, so this makes an average of just over 7 games per club!

Aitor Karanka, former Middlesbrough manager, now (currently!) boss of Birmingham City (after beating his former team 1-0 at The Riverside).

Barney – called Rochdale v Wigan Athletic at 1-2 [and ten men for Rochdale] on 50 min – Finished: 3-3 – FAILED!
– called Peterborough United v Milton Keynes Dons at 3-0 on 76 min – Finished: 3-0 – FAILED!
– called Cardiff City v Norwich City at 0-2 on 28 min min – Finished: 1-2 – FAILED!

About all there is, is this – Bolton Wanderers v Cheltenham Town would have been a decent shout for “Is it cup week?” 1-1 since you didn’t ask…

David McGoldrick (Sheffield United)
Hallam Hope (Swindon Town)
Michail Antonio (West Ham United)
Will Keane (Wigan Athletic)

Kyle Dempsey (Gillingham)
Lee Angol (Leyton Orient)
Nathaniel Knight-Percival (Morecambe) o.g.

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Scott Hogan (Birmingham City)



Season 8 Game 17 (8-11 January)

THE ‘Hypothetically, the Duchess is for the High Jump’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of James Acaster (36), Kate Middleton (39), and Katarina Johnson-Thompson (28) [there were quite a few to choose from for this week e.g. Jimmy Page 76, Paolo Nutini 34, Joely Richardson 55, Rod Stewart 76, Abbey Clancy 35. Rachel Riley 35, Jamelia 40, Jamie Vardy 34…etc etc]

No Zingers listed, so the usual punishment applies – Howard: “Scully has scored – his Agent will be pleased.” [Anthony Scully of Lincoln City in their 1-1 draw with Peterborough United].

Facing a strangely fierce winter chill were Jamal Lowe at Swansea City [ON THE BENCH], Nicky Maynard at Mansfield Town [DIDN’T PLAY] and Kallum Higginbotham at Kelty Hearts [!!!] (SCORED at Stranraer in the cup – obviously too low a level for The Thing to bother about)…

Rarer than er…something very rare. Again, it’s a blank this time.

Another tricky one to get, and without any contemporary notes to speak of, this is always going to be a blank.


Take your pick from Colby Bishop (Accrington Stanley), Devante Rodney (Port Vale), Devante Cole (Motherwell) and Mason Mount (Chelsea), Jayden Bogle (Sheffield United). Also, maybe Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Southend United). Innit.

None called this week. Sorry, Tony FAILED!

In amongst the usual Alfies, Kilgour (Bristol Rovers), May (Cheltenham Town), Devine (Tottenham Hotspur) and Mattys, Lund (Rochdale), there are a couple of newbies and possibles in Charlie Lakin (Ross County) and Kenny McLean (Norwich City). Now get that homework done.

Sitting at the back of the four-ale bar playing pre-Lockdown dominoes, and sipping pints of milk stout,  we found Kenneth Zohore (Millwall), Bobby Reid (Fulham) and Fred Onyedinma (Wycombe Wanderers).

Had it been on the list, Barrow’s 1-0 away defeat to Southend would have been a perfect ‘Where’s Russell?’, with a 640 mile (or 688 if you were too mean to pay the toll) round trip to see your side lose by the odd goal.

Note – the category may well have to be renamed, with Russell Martin now the boss of Milton Keynes Dons. Suggestions are welcome (ish).

When Taylor Richards scored for Doncaster Rovers, it’s almost certain that Barney or Chris (or both) would have said “LAW FIRM!”. In this case, they would be right – [LINK]


Aiden McGeady (Sunderland)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)

George Moncur (Luton Town)
Joe Day (Bristol Rovers on loan from Cardiff City)
Josh Knight (Wycombe Wanderers on loan from Leicester City)
Shaun Brisley (Port Vale)

Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)
Reeco Hackett-Fairchild (Southend United on loan from Portsmouth)
Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

Semi Ajayi (West Bromwich Albion)

David Brooks (Bournemouth)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Joe Ironside (Cambridge United)
Lyle Taylor (Nottingham Forest)



Season 8 Game 16 (1-4 Jan 2021)

THE ‘Saving the World, One More Time from 52 Festive Road’ HEAD-IN-HANDS LEAGUE
So named because of the weekend birthdays of Greta Thunberg (18), Thomas Bangelter of Daft Punk (46) and David McKee, the Mr Benn creator (86!).

Barney: ‘Ferry capsizes at Peterhead’ [Si Ferry, one of two sent off for The Blue Toon; despite the 2-man advantage, Cove Rangers only managed a 1-0 win]
Chris: [no comment]
Howard: Huddersfield are wondering ‘Joao’ Lucas scored that one.” [Joao’s two goals helped Reading to a 2-1 away win at Huddersfield Town]

Robert McHugh at Queens’ Park (DIDN’T PLAY), Andre Ayew at Swansea City (DIDN’T SCORE) and Paul Mullin at Cambridge United (SCORED…OOPS!) were hoping in vain for a Happy New Year.

Barney – called Mansfield Town v Port Vale before the game started – Finished: 4-0 – FAILED!
– called Burton Albion v Oxford United at 0-3 on 33 min – Finished: 1-5 – FAILED!
– called 911 – FAILED!

It was a possible ‘Fresh Hell’ at Burton Albion where manager-to-be Jimmy-Floyd Hasselbaink saw his charges lose 5-1 at home. Was it too late to  reconsider…

For this second slimmed-down HiH edition, the planned categories were to be Local Boy, Fresh Hell, Don’t Call Me Shirley, Where’s Russell and An Evening With Paul Robinson. Sadly that was not to be, but this is all that remains of Barney’s notes, so we have what we have. Blame Matt Hancock.

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Gary Madine (Blackpool)
Lucas Joao (Reading) x2

A rare blank!

Ayo Obileye (Queen of the South)
Brandon Hanlan (Bristol Rovers)

Chuba Akpom (Middlesbrough)

Gary Madine (Blackpool)