The ‘Bat For Lashes Spooked Under Milk Wood’ (Well it is nearly Halloween) Head-In-Hands League

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So called due to the birthdays of Bat For Lashes’ Natasha Khan (35, silly name), Peter Firth (61, star of the much-missed -by me- tv show Spooks), and the centenary of alcoholic welsh poet (are there any other kinds?) Dylan Thomas (he knew Llareggub).

Troy Deeney. A repeat offender (in this category!) who I’m sure has grown out of that silly ‘hanging around with lowlifes and kicking a student in the head’ phase

Not one. Indeed, he pronounced Berahino correctly not once, but twice to a stunned audience. Next for The Merse is Seth Nana Ofori-Twumasi…

Jamie Cureton. 18 separate clubs for the lower league journeyman, with an honourable mention to Leon Clarke, who has appeared for 13 different clubs and, at 32, is 7 years younger than Cureton. But will Clarke ever play for Busan IPark of South Korea?

There’s two Paul Quinns it would seem; one is the mild mannered Janitor….er…. Ross County player, who scored on Saturday and wears the traditional centre back’s number of er… 43. The other is the long-serving lead guitarist of metal band SAXON, Barnsley’s contribution to world culture.

Stephen Jordan. The oft-injured former Man City left-back has now managed 2 goals in 208 league games. Comparisons with Halley’s Comet can be judged to be “fair”.

Chris called Birmingham City v Bournemouth at 0-2 on 37 mins. This ended up going wayyyyy beyond Gubville and descended into the Wygarde Badlands. But this is Birmingham we’re talking about, so that’s really a home from home. Finished 0-8. That’s EIGHT.

Barney called Falkirk v Cowdenbeath at 3-0 on 35 mins. Cowdenbeath are the only Semi-Pro team in the Scottish First Division and it shows. Cowdenbeath also have the lowest ever opening day attendance in recent history, pulling in 79 paying spectators in the 93-94 season. Start the season as you mean to go on and that. Finished 6-0.

Howard called Preston North End v Fleetwood Town at 0-2 on 40 mins, full of confidence after two early away goals. Joe Garner’s second half hat-trick scuppered our hopes of a trifecta. A half-time Reverse Churchill worthy of Darren Ferguson, it finished 3-2. Garner has blanked on consecutive occasions when Barney has confidently predicted otherwise, which neatly segues into….

Papiss Cisse (Newcastle United) – No
Cody McDonald (Gillingham) – Goose Egg (that would be a no, right?)
Kwasi Appiah (Cambridge United) – Next!

Named in jest clearly. Or sponsored by Imodium.

‘Hartley scores for Plymouth, that’ll get them out of a jam’ (c) H. Quick

FINAL SCORES

Emmanuel Adebayor (Tottenham Hotspur)
Luke Ayling (Bristol City)
Robin van Persie (Manchester United)

Dan Shittu (Millwall)
Frank Nouble (Coventry City)
Leon Clarke (Wolverhampton Wanderers)
Michael Smith (Swindon Town)x2
Scott Parker (Fulham) – counting double against old club